How explore your gay side?

[TheDream]

Hi.

I find it easy to meet people, talk to people and be real with people but I have no idea how to do this in a sexual manner with the same sex.

To me it seems easy to meet and date the opposite sex because everyone assumes that everyone else is straight (this is wrong obviously but it is the way the world seems to work). Women find it normal to have a man flirt with them but can the same be said if a guy flirts with another guy?

If I told my friends how I felt about how would they respond?

I guess what I'm saying is, how did you guys/gals go about meeting like minded people and then seeing where it went from there? Gay clubs can be as exclusive as straight clubs and it seems that being bi is frowned upon by everyone who isn't bi but I can't help who I am! And how do you go about getting your same sex friends to accept that you could be as attracted to them as you are your opposite sex friends?

I'm 100% sure of being bisexual but actually engaging with another guy just seems so difficult to make happen in my world. As hard as I try it just seems difficult to find a guy who thinks like I do. It just seems like my gay side is destined to stay in the shadows even though I want to make it as important as my reasonably successful straight side.

Coming out and embracing being bisexual is hard enough but then going on to explore what you know about yourself is even harder. I'm just struggling to make these things happen.

[slipnslide]

You're right. It's a straight world. Personally I've decided that it's just not worth it to explore my bi side any further - this is the only account I've kept when it comes to my bisexual exploration. No dating sites or anything else now. If you do, be prepared to deal with misery as people question what you're doing and why you're doing it.

It will be difficult to meet people. The gay/bi guys on dating sites, etc. are mostly all regarded as undesirable by the guys on those same sites. It's weird. They all think the rest of the guys are disgusting and dirty man-whores but not them.

Spent more time asking yourself what you think you'll get out of exploring further and whether it's really worth the potential risks.

[fredtyg]

I've actually had some success with Craigslist ads in contacting other bi and homo guys. We haven't met in person all that often but just chatting with other guys via e-mail can be a relief.

[BiCycler]

Please open your mind to experiences other than slipnslide's. His experience is not that uncommon and he is correct about some gay people acting in an awful way towards bisexuals. There are several threads here now that address your concern. For myself, the lack of understanding towards bisexuality from people who express a mono-sexuality has been one of two major aspects of my sexual realization. The other being the fluid nature of my sexuality.
I have struggled as well, but I have also had much success. I have many bisexual friends now who took time before they came out to me. I think what happened for them is that they saw that I stood my ground with the ignorant and now find myself and my sexuality accepted amongst prior doubters. We talk openly about our sexuality to straight, gay and bisexual alike.
I was married twice. I told both partners about my bisexuality. Neither embraced it. Did I feel shitty about it? Yes. One even called me 'little faggot" during tense times. Did I feel shitty about that? Yes, but I considered the source and also the level of maturity that allows someone to call you a name to try to belittle you. I found myself single at the age of thirty-eight and ready to explore. That was when I encoutered the discrimination from gay people. I thought it was absolutley rediculous to hear such from people who belong to a group who have had to fight so hard for their place in the world. I have a deeper understanding about where that comes from now. I had a gay relationship and lived with a man for two years. He pressed for me to come out as gay but respected me when I didn't. We split for reasons different than sexuality and I found myself single again.
I am now in a relationship with a woman who is straight. She says she is straight simply because she has no sexual attraction to women and not because it's "yucky" like I've heard so mant times from others.
We share men in our bed and have all sorts of fun doing that. It's not a huge part of our life but it is a huge part of my expression of sexuality. I know that I am very fortunate to be in this relationship and that my partner is remarkable. There are many others in similar situations. Everyone we know understands our relationship is open. We have so much support now. Not from everyone, I'm sure, but I have not heard negative comments in a long while now. We have friends who know but it's not a huge topic of discussion. They treat us like they would anyone else and they are people from all walks of life.
My point, don't let bitterness defeat you. There are many more people who don't really get cut up about someone else's sexuality than there are those that do.:flag2::rainbow:

[Realist]

You've asked some good questions, that others will probably answer better than I can. But, during my whole life's experiences, I can't remember actually flirting with a guy.

I was thinking of how each relationship began and of the nine male lovers I've had, each one began differently. Discrete discussions about sexuality, innuendos made while testing the waters, talking about something someone else experienced, and alcohol-relaxed inhibitions, are all things that come to mind. Writing my feelings here has allowed me to meet some exceptional bisexuals and some potential lovers. I actually met a fantastic bisexual girl here, while I was hoping a guy would respond to me! Really, who knows how things will work out.

It's obvious that you want and need a relationship with a guy. One of the best ways I know to meet someone on line is, to be able to write your thoughts and encourage communication with those whom you share mutual interests. I met someone wonderful here, why can't you?

You write well and it's obvious that you're intelligent, focused, as well as know what you want.

If I'd give you any advice it'd be: Don't settle for less than you want..... when you have set goals, but take a lesser road, you may never find your full potential.


You asked:

"If I told my friends how I felt about how would they respond?"

This is a big deal! Only you know the mind-set of those around you........ I'd suggest that you act according to their estimated response. I was raised in a extremely conservative, strongly religious, atmosphere and I know for a fact, that 95% of those around me would have reacted with disgust and maybe even violence. After my first bisexual "adventure", when I was 14, I knew better than breathe a word of it!

You should do whatever you feel is best for you. Hopefully, you live in a much less dogmatically religious and prejudiced location, than I did/do!


Another question you asked was:

"And how do you go about getting your same sex friends to accept that you could be as attracted to them as you are your opposite sex friends?"

Your TRUE friends will accept you. Some won't like it, some won't care at all. You may find out that you have friends, who have wanted to tell you they had feelings for you, as well! (I knew one fellow for about 6 years, before I learned that he'd been attracted to me, since we first met! That relationship lasting 10 years!)

You said:

"As hard as I try it just seems difficult to find a guy who thinks like I do. It just seems like my gay side is destined to stay in the shadows even though I want to make it as important as my reasonably successful straight side."

It's nice to see that you have standards....as I stated above, when you settle for less than you want, you will never achieve your full emotional or sexual potential. In my view, too many people are interested in anonymous, quickly gratifying, sex. These people are playing a very dangerous form of Russian roulette!

And, finally:

"Coming out and embracing being bisexual is hard enough but then going on to explore what you know about yourself is even harder. I'm just struggling to make these things happen."

You'll have people tell you that you are young, try to have patience, but when there is a desire and a need, like you have, you don't want to hear that crap!

It's true that patience is a virtue, but even more important is to continue your search with intelligence and forethought. If things, like in some of my experiences happen...........when you least expect anything to happen, it will!

Good luck and I hope when you do find someone, who will be all you wanted him to be!

[fredtyg]

Your TRUE friends will accept you. Some won't like it, some won't care at all. You may find out that you have friends, who have wanted to tell you they had feelings for you, as well! (I knew one fellow for about 6 years, before I learned that he'd been attracted to me, since we first met! That relationship lasting 10 years!


Realist makes a point and it was something I'd meant to bring up earlier.

Look around you. You may be surprised to find the guy you're looking for is already there. There could certainly a problem with outing yourself, but I don't know that it's always as big of a problem as we tend to think. Of course, as Realist wrote, only you know the people you hang with so you'll have to be the final judge.

I've outed myself directly to two friends in my past, both of whom I had the hots for.

The first guy I just called on the phone and told I was queer and had the hots for him. He declined getting sexually involved with me but we remained friends.

About the only problem with that was that he told everybody he knew at work about my propositioning him and they all knew me as I used to work at the same place. But that turned out to be pretty much a non- issue, as time would tell. Other than a few teasing comments, none of the people he told held it against me.

The second one was a friend that used to come over to my house a lot. I'd been sexually attracted to him for some years. I was nervous about telling him about that attraction if only because he used to join in with some anti- homo joking with another friend that came over a lot.

Finally, I just told myself I had to tell him and let the cards fall where they may. He came over one Sunday and we were talking out in the garage and I turned the conversation towards sex. At one point I finally just blurted out that I love sucking cock and taking it up the ass and have loved it for years.

He actually seemed pleased that I confided in him and, to make a long story short, he agreed to be a sex partner with me. We never went as far as I would of liked to, but I did get to suck him off a few times.

Look around you.

[void()]

Your posting reminds me of two anecdotes.

Had told my wife about being bi. She had a period of insecurity. It was during this time we visited a book store. As fate/providence/fill in the blank had it, one of the clerks was queer. He piped up as I placed my books on the counter to purchase. "My oh my, who does this sexy beast belong to?"

My wife was maybe two or three yards away, talking with her sister if I recall. Never had I seen space & time close up like that. She had my arm and gripped like a vice. "He's mine, bitch! Now ring up his books and we'll go."

The other was after she got over being insecure and we'd decided upon openness. We went to the big city for a dinner. A Mexican style place it was. She had been to it during college. The waiter kept refilling my coffee. It was like magic, as soon as I got one sip, it was refilled with two more. After dinner he came by with the bill. As we sat in booth style seating, he leaned up over the booth behind me. Unfortunately, I was having a bit of a straight day that day, didn't notice.

We got down the road a piece. "You realize he was flirting with you? Why didn't you take him to the bathroom or something?"

I could only say "Um, erm ... who was dear?"

As for really meeting anyone that is interested in long term; This site has really helped. I spoke to a guy off and on via the site for about two years. After which he finally admitted to having feelings for me, he wanted to explore further.

He's coming to visit this weekend. We've been visiting for almost a year now, as time & life allow. It is difficult find yourself, balance and caring partners. But you can do it with a bit of effort, dash of luck, honesty and communication.

Then again, I also realize the path I found is not for everyone. Take what you find useful, leave what you don't.

[bisexual Bill]

It's simple. Find a bisexual or gay man who you're attracted to and who is attracted to you. Have sex with him.

You can do this in a variety of ways.

If you really wanted sex with a man you'd be able to easily find it and have it.

You would be experienced with knowing how to get it.

You're young you should just come out now. The longer you wait the more issues you'll have about being bisexual or not heterosexual.

[NotLostJustWandering]

It's amazing how different people's realities are. I find men so easy to flirt with and pick up it's almost dull; women I find daunting. Queer men are quick to pick up on signals that go over straight guys' heads, so you can be subtle til you know it's safe to do something overt (well, almost all queer men. Voidie seems a bit dim :tongue:)

With women I often fail to find the right degree of aggression to make my desire known without being a creep. I err on the side of gentlemanliness and let opportunities go by... :(

[NotLostJustWandering]

Practical advice: use eye contact. Straight guys and queer guys who aren't interested in you simply will not hold your gaze as long as a guy who's checking you out while you're checking him out. In most cases, you can establish who's who in the first 5 minutes of conversation.

A lot of women characterize men as simple beasts. I am inclined to agree. They/we are so fucking easy to read. Like dogs, can't play poker because when they get a good hand they wag their tails.

You're one, too. Don't imagine any of us are substantially different from you, psychologically. I think you'll soon find this is a very easy game to play.

[Bedros]

I am just finding that I am bi. I am really not sure myself how to explore this side myself. I know I am not ready to come out as it would have dire repercussions in both family and professional life. I guess I will have to take things slowly. I just wish I knew a guy that could be like a mentor.

Cheers