What makes a GOOD BI SPOUSE?

[agoodbiwife]

Hello,

I am relatively new here. I have been a guest for a while and just joined independently. During this time, I have noticed that there are very few Bi wives on this site. Perhaps they are here and not vocal. I have been what, in the opinions of a few of the bi members of this site, a rarity. An understanding and loving spouse of a bi man, who with love for her husband encourages him to go and seek what he needs- emotionally, physically and in spirit from a man. Things that I, as a woman, are unable to give. My question...What makes a Good Bi Spouse? Do we differ from the traditional norm all that drastically? I would be interested in the opinions of both MEN and WOMEN. What can we, as a lover and friend do to support and understand the bi spouse? How can they offer us help in understanding their needs? Thank you in advance for your insightful comments. I look forward to reading them. Franny

[Alaric]

I wish Mrs A was here! She has a real handle on all of this...

I think one thing to remember is this: Because a guy (or a woman) is bisexual and married, it does not mean that he or she necessarily has to go off and have sex with people of both sexes. I fell in love with Mrs Al, not with Mr Al.

Think about heterosexual men and women, do men have to have sex with other women because they are heterosexual? Or are they more likely to be faithful to the women they fell in love with? And do heterosexual women have to go off having sex with lots of men because they are heterosexual? Or are they more likely to be faithful to the men they love?

Now, if you're talking kinky stuff, that's different... Many people hetero, gay, or bi get into the swing scene and into other sexual games, but they still remain (for the most part) faithful (in the context of their hearts, minds, and emotions) to their spouses.

To me a good spouse is someone who simply loves me and understands that I did not choose to be how I am. She is there for me, can come into a site like this and make the same friends I do, and from whom there need be no secrets. Mrs Al is just like that...

Why not write to her? She is a dream to talk to... (Mind you, I'm madly in love with her, so I am a bit biased!)

All the best!!

Al :bigrin:

[Lisa (va)]

A good spouse is a good spouse, regardless of their sexual preferences. Being there to talk and listen to each other. Knowing that all folks (and their relationships) are different, the answer lies within: What is good for the two of you, listen to other folks opinions and advice and decide if it fits you relationship. What works well for one may not for others, communication within the relationship is paramount.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Sex in Words]

A good spouse is a good spouse, regardless of their sexual preferences. Being there to talk and listen to each other. Knowing that all folks (and their relationships) are different, the answer lies within: What is good for the two of you, listen to other folks opinions and advice and decide if it fits you relationship. What works well for one may not for others, communication within the relationship is paramount.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

Thanks for posting this Lisa...exactly what I wanted to say!

[OralBradley]

Lisa pretty much said it all. Sexual orientation doesn't the attributes that make one partner "good" for another. Acceptance of each others foibles are an important charactaristic. A devout follower of any religion and a vehement athiest will probably not make a lasting couple, nor will a rigid, honophibic heterosexual and a bisexual.

[alleycat]

Agoodbiwife - thank you for bringing up this topic. I think you'll find many different viewpoints here. If I had a husband that thought the way you did - I would be very happy. I have been married 7 years and monogomous, but my needs are changing. I feel that I do need to have a woman in my life - as well as my husband. I don't want to be 70 and widowed (or divorced, for that matter) for me to be able to be who I am and fill the void that I have right now. I know there are a lot of people out there who will not agree with me and that's okay. I don't just fall in love with a "person" and that's why I'm bisexual - I love both women and men and the differences they give intimately. If I choose (which I have in marriage) I still have a void. My hetero friends all say, "well, if you go and be with a woman, why can't your husband go and do the same?". They have a point to some degree, but I don't think that he needs to go and be with another woman because I can offer him that. It's a tough debate - and a debate it is. I don't think there is any right answer. I think as a couple you have to figure out what you are willing to do for one another to meet one another's needs and to hold your bond of marriage together (assuming that's important!). I imagine the most important things are a strong foundation (primary couple), honesty, comprimise, listening, and trust (and maybe a good therapist!).

This is exactly the converstaion my husband and I are currently having.

alley

[Mimi]

do you mean a "good spouse who is bi" or a "good straight spouse of a bi spouse"? i was a little confused by your title.

i think that if you are straight and have a bi spouse, it can mean a number of things. i think it needs to be made clear that not all bi people need to have more than 1 relationship going at the same time. it sounds like you have spouse who is bi and happens to want sexual and/or emotional relationships outside of the marriage. if you think you can handle that, then more power to you. not everyone believes in poly-fidelity (which means having other sexual/emotional relationships with the agreement of your partner). if you decide that you do, then communication is key. how much do you want to know about your husband's outside encounters? do you have any say in who he has sex with, what kind of sex he has, if it's one-nighters or on-going affairs, etc? i think that you have a right as a spouse to negotiate those things. especially with the risk of STDs, you have a right to know how safe your husband is with others.

but maybe you decide that poly-fidelity is not what you believe in. that is alright too. maybe you think that it's unfair that he gets "to eat his cake and have it too" whereas you are only with him. or that it is too complicated or confusing for you. there are some straight + monogamous wives who leave their bi + poly husbands, and there are some who stay and are happy.

mimi :flag1:

[innaminka]

Looking at the question from the opposite perspective - what makes my husband such a wonderful spouse to an actively bi-woman???

The same things that make a good spouse fullstop!!! I'm the same person he married, just as he is. We've both grown and developed as people, but basically the things that attracted keep attracting.

Ok, I guess there is an extra for him to digest. Acceptance of my sexuality. Maybe that takes broader shoulders than most.
Loving me, without condition, whilst at the same time knowing I share my body with other woman is probably his greatest attribute.

[agoodbiwife]

Mimi,

Yes, after reading your post, clarification might be helpful. I am a straight woman who is happily married to a bisexual man. He has spent time with men and we have shared wonderful men on occasion. I find the role that I started out wanting, one to make him happy, has evolved into a better, stronger relationship with open and honest communication between us. The side benefit for me is my wanting, and husbands encouragement, to participate in the relationship he shares with other men. I have even become open to the idea of another woman, one which I had never thought of. Our marriage has grown stronger, deeper and so much more loving since we have ventured down this path together. Now I know that not all couples share the same happiness, their journey is faced with many obstacles to overcome, but giving up is an easy way out. All great relationships take work, pain and even sorrow some time. Life is what you make it.

Franny

[Mimi]

Mimi,

Yes, after reading your post, clarification might be helpful. I am a straight woman who is happily married to a bisexual man. He has spent time with men and we have shared wonderful men on occasion. I find the role that I started out wanting, one to make him happy, has evolved into a better, stronger relationship with open and honest communication between us. The side benefit for me is my wanting, and husbands encouragement, to participate in the relationship he shares with other men. I have even become open to the idea of another woman, one which I had never thought of.

Thanks for clarifying. I'm glad that your relationship has worked out and your horizons are broadening in many different ways. It's good to have a success story when it involves a married bi -- it beats the stereotype that bis can't get married or settle down.

I think it's also important to remember to say "poly" or "nonmonogamous" when you're talking about these kinds of relationships and not generalize to all bis. Many of us -- myself included -- are monogamous.

Mimi :flag1:

[CountryLover]

What a timely question!

I've recently met someone who may be Mr Right. He's a bi man who has been monogamous in his relationships in the past.

I already have an ongoing very happy bi relationship with my girlfriend. He's still trying to wrap his brain around the fact that I can have two very loving happy relationships at the same time. I am monogamous within the gender, when I'm happy and committed.

Of course, I've made it plain that if he finds a male partner who he wants to build a relationship with, that he has my full support. That's assuming there's openness and honesty in place.

I'm trying to get him in as a member here - I think it would do him a lot of good. There seems to be some technical hangup HMmmm :2cents:

[anne27]

I was married to a bi man before I realized I was also bi. We discussed his desires and after a couple of weeks of ranting and deep personal questions on my part I can to terms with it. He wasn't interested in exploring his desires at the time and it wasn't until I came to terms with my own bisexuality that we decided that we both needed to explore. We did so together. I think that helped establish trust for us. I have since had relationships with other women, but he doesn't want a relationship with a man at this point. Who knows what the future will bring.

To answer your question (pardon my rambling! :rolleyes: )- communication, trust, understanding, the ability to listen and a bit of stubborness (getting my hubby to cummunicate took work!).

We celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary in February.

[onewhocares]

Hi,

I am Belle the wife of a bi man. I have known that he enjoyed men since befroe we were married. Now I can not say those early years were not polagued with the fear that he would leave me or that I was not enough "woman" for him, but I learned that was just my ignorance. I grew to understand that his feelings for a man had nothing to do with me, and all to do with the man that I love and whom I have grown to love more and more as the years go by. Recently I have been invited to join him and that has opened a whole new fulfilling life for the two of us. If I may offer some advice. Be open Be honest and follow your heart. It has all the answers you seek. Please feel free to contact me to chat if you wish. Thanks Belle

[Sparks]

Mimi,
Life is what you make it.

Franny

Yes, life is what you make it. Never forget "yourself" as you explore. Stay within your comfort zone, Fanny. Don't be afraid to say "no" if you're not ready.

My best to you,

Fred

[agoodbiwife]

I would like to thank you all for all your comments, they are honest and full of insight. I have received a few PM's and they have been equally positve and supportive. So glad I made this thread.

[Long Duck Dong]

what makes a good bi spouse.....the love, support and honesty of their partner

simply, in my eyes, a spouse is good or bad by their own decisions, opinions and attitude.....not by their partners opinion of them... there is NO difference between a hetero spouse, a bi spouse, a les spouse, or a gay spouse

a good partner is open, honest, caring and naturing and willing to understand things in order to seek a possible compromise and willing to accept that something there can be no compromise

I would be more inclinded to love and respect a partner more if they said to me...they would like to work with me to help furfill my bisexual ugres inside the marriage rather than just give me permission to go outside the marriage cos it sets the bar for compromise in the marriage and talking and better understanding

[APMountianMan]

what makes a good bi spouse.....the love, support and honesty of their partner

simply, in my eyes, a spouse is good or bad by their own decisions, opinions and attitude.....not by their partners opinion of them... there is NO difference between a hetero spouse, a bi spouse, a les spouse, or a gay spouse

a good partner is open, honest, caring and naturing and willing to understand things in order to seek a possible compromise and willing to accept that something there can be no compromise

I would be more inclinded to love and respect a partner more if they said to me...they would like to work with me to help furfill my bisexual ugres inside the marriage rather than just give me permission to go outside the marriage cos it sets the bar for compromise in the marriage and talking and better understanding

It doesn't matter if you are gay, bi, straight, or trans, the answer is the same. Trust and security. You have the trust each other and know that know matter what happens you will stay together. Everything else is static.

:cool:

[gina42]

very well put lisa... :) :2cents:


A good spouse is a good spouse, regardless of their sexual preferences. Being there to talk and listen to each other. Knowing that all folks (and their relationships) are different, the answer lies within: What is good for the two of you, listen to other folks opinions and advice and decide if it fits you relationship. What works well for one may not for others, communication within the relationship is paramount.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[jedinudist]

A good spouse is a good spouse, regardless of their sexual preferences. Being there to talk and listen to each other. Knowing that all folks (and their relationships) are different, the answer lies within: What is good for the two of you, listen to other folks opinions and advice and decide if it fits you relationship. What works well for one may not for others, communication within the relationship is paramount.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

Eloquently put!

My wife is a great wife... to a bi man. She isn't bisexual, but is deeply in love with her bisexual husband who is also deeply in love with her.

We are very open with each other and our relationship is wonderful.

Thanks Lisa, you said it just the right way