Checking in ...

[void()]

First, if you are not interested, don't read it. Second, if you do and want to complain, do so elsewhere. Third, I do not post these 'touching base, checking in' type of threads for causing drama. I post them because there are friends here. It is a safe place for us.

Presently, I am still waging a war against depression. And yes, I have come to realize it is a war. If I can keep fighting, so can anyone. I mean that. Some of the most terrible nightmares creep in from merely functioning on a daily basis. These harpies which attack using the precision of surgical furies, range from self defacement to plain old boredom.

For the past while, roughly three to six months, I have been repairing wooden bins for apple transport. Nobody has to use rocket science in doing this type of roughshod work. In fact, there are days where I fall asleep and still continue working. And so in walks a terror amongst the sheep lulling by in labor bound to muscles trained keen, boredom.

On top of this add co-workers whom don't. Most of them are contented in milling around as moronic lummoxes awaiting the closing bell, inclusive of a supervisor. Two days ago said moron, erm, supervisor calls me aside. He painted me out to be one of his kind. My reply borrowed from the adage of geese and ganders. It infuriated him, but was true.

Funny how people hate the smart Alec who only posits the truth. At any given it had to be resolved by meeting with plant manager, human resources manager. Both of them understood what I had said, done. They both agreed with me, yet suggested I duck and cover whilst still there.

So, I am indeed looking for other doors. One may be opened by going back to school for an associates of computer sciences. It will be taking something of a long way around. I want to be a programming capable systems administrator for Linux based networks. Another door could be opened again with school, but of trade craft. There is a training camp in WV, where the wife's family lives, they are now my family. I feel at odds here with mine. The training camp teaches you to be a millwright, a civilian based Sea Bee. It would offer lots of benefits.

Would rather prefer the computing door. There are a few reasons for this which have merit.

0. The computing door also offers benefits, i.e. mostly indoor working environments, insurance and so on.

1. I have been working as blue collar manual labor since the age of five, if honest about it.

2. At the end of this month, I'm only one year away from 40. This body feels the working miles, along with the beatings, the odd contortions and in general use.

3. It grants me a challenge in a new direction. I need something new to do, aside from bashing my head against a brick wall.

4. Those who love me will support me no matter the choice. Just as well work smarter, not harder.

5. Yes, I'm aware there will be a learning curve, stress. I am preparing and can and will adapt. If I have learned anything in knowing myself, it is that I survive.

For the time being, we are waiting upon the current employer to offer me a layoff. When that occurs, then my Lady may be ensured at least half a wage for a few weeks between course switching. She uses the money well, practical her. :) Dreamers ought to remember to thank their anchors.

And so, thank you. Without friends here, I could not dream.

[Realist]

Void, go for it!

When I was 29, I finally broke down, bit the bullet, and went to college. Luckily, my GI bill lent a hand. Being married and not being one to feel manly when living off my lady, I quit, after getting my 2-year AS degree in Agri-business.

It may not sound like much, but my world changed for the better. I was no longer relegated to menial, labor-intensive, jobs. Amazing what a piddly 2 year degree did for me.

I only worked a few years in an agriculture-related business; it just wasn't my thing. Then, I got a job teaching mechanics, at about 3 times my old pay, with great security. I retired at 53 and haven't hit a lick at anything, since, except what I wanted to do!

Maybe I should have kept on working a few years, but I've had a great time and did the right thing, for me. No debts, few expenses, and I live within my means. I have all I need; life is good.

Good luck, with whatever you end up doing!

[DrBimind]

Viod, as for the computer door, like Realist says "go for it". With a sage bit of advice....don't get stuck doing one thing well, know all the platforms and how to find your way around in most BUT concentrate on the Linux programming as right now that is what's hot...it's like creating apps for Windows was last century. Good Luck....I also battle that war with depression and just when I think a truce has been declared, a seemingly unassociated event brings on a skirmish....but saying that, my computer Associate Degree, like Realist's Agri Associates can do is get you in the door to a long term if not flexible career...Again good Luck

Doc

[tenni]

Void
I'm learning that there is a sweetness to your soul.
There will come a time when 40 begins to look young. Peak into a few of those doors. Sometimes you are pushed through the door and other times you have the luxury of it happening unexpectedly and others are planned. Its all good if you look at it as an adventure...easier written than done sometimes but why not?

[Darkside2009]

By all means go for it, you have nothing to lose by trying. I'm all for people improving their lives and you may well find that the intellectual stimulus will alleviate your battle with depression. Good luck. :)

[void()]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. Before, I had other goals in mind. Nursing did seem to be a good choice, until lots of thought was given. Frankly, I'm not suited as a nurse and this has nothing to do with gender. I am just not nurse material. I would loose it too quickly, thus be no good.

With computing there exists a bit of buffer area. You deal with people, yes. But there is a nice safe bumper space. An example comes from my wife's brother in law. He phoned last night about issues over a LAMP server. His problem was in wanting to set up virtual hosts. My wife played intermediary via the cell phone. "Yeah, he can code in Lisp and create a coffee maker out of a 9-volt, but can't use a cell phone. LOL"

At any given, I could 'step outside' for a few minutes and think. As it turns out he had forgotten to set the Setuid and Uid 'sticky bits'. This was forcing a stalemate against him. even though he issued as root, he could not get to the configuration files, nor do as he wanted. Being able to go from 'outside in and back again' in my thinking process was helpful. See? I used to *cough* break into *cough* servers, leave small text files behind explaining security issues for the owners.

Sometimes I still go back to those servers, just peeking back. Most usually do fix the security issues. Some don't. No, I don't give out names, sorry. I'm a Black Hatter, not a snitch or thief.

tenni,

Me sweet? Really? Ha, you must have me confused with my evil twin Neb. He enjoys seducing everyone and uses sweetness as a ruse. don't let him fool you, he's a real bitch once you're hooked. ;) Just ask elian, whom is off at a thing teaching stuff for the engineers. Keep telling him to ask for a raise but he insists, he's compensated well enough. Poor guy practically does vulcan mind melds with computers all day.

Note about not using cell phones: I'm not a guy that needs lots of bling, glitz or clutter. I wear a wedding band, only jewelry I have. Never wear a watch, even if allegedly required to do so. I might someday consider getting one of my ears pierced again. Had them done once as a result of being drunk at a party, let them grow closed over.

I'm an odd tech geek, one of those sorts that figures nanites ought to be organic, yet can see why you'd not want someone's crappy OS shoved up your ass upon birth. And yeah, I'm a ShadowRunner, Neuromancer fan. Wintermute comes!

So with computing, I've got something I like doing, and a safety zone as far as people. The millwright idea looks really good too. But, you are in more direct contact with folks and it is exhaustive physical grunt work. Hey, done my share and plenty more already, time to wear the mind out. Ha! :)

Again, thanks for the words. They provide value as they are from people I respect. And contrary to what some may feel, respect like trust and love are earned, for myself at any given. "You go get raised by wolves and see if it's not the same, bucko. Oh, and 'you kids get off my lawn!'"

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

*Kisses between Void's furry lil ears* You do what you need to do for You..and for your family, Honey. Like I told ya before, if you have a goal in mind, go for it if all possible. :} Do what you need to do to get some peace of mind. And you know where I am if you need ta talk.;)
Muah
Cat

[DuckiesDarling]

Void, somehow I think you will do both what you need to do and want to do. I wish you the best of luck. Hugs ya :)

[void()]

If I had my want it would be writing books. Probably quite twisted cerebral horrors, word paintings of _The Scream_ as a very general and vague example. And yes, I think some of the horror producible would frighten Wes Craven, Koontz, maybe Zombie, although he's really a sick genius (meant in a good way Mr. Zombie).

But, I don't exactly have luxury of the want. It is very difficult putting a toe in the publishing industry. I have made earnest attempts with results varying from the standard 'not what we had in mind' to 'it was riddled with grammar errors'. Yes, I often switch styles in writing, tones, grammar structures as well. One thing which stays constant though is writing with power. People in our times do not write with power. This frightens many when they read it, they get confused, lost.

I say, "c'mon in the water's great!"

Editors say, "fuck off buddy, I'm not drowning in insanity with you!" No more Maxwell Perkins out there, which is a shame.

So, I do the need and provide for my family. But now I've grown to realize the need is just that, a need, once met, free time exists. :) And have noted too, if I can do enough to surplus ahead of the need, that grants more time. And it helps if you meet the need by doing something you like to do. I like piddling with computers, apparently.

Why not go after the dream? It can only kill you, once, right? Or maybe you can die a thousand deaths of the coward. *shrugs*

[bizel]

oh dear void, my brother and at times, i am going through the same sort of thing. i guess if i look for a common defactor its that we are stuck doing something that's not feeding our souls. we feel trapped and so we turn in on ourselves.

i suggested to my bro he think about what regret he would have if he were on his deathbed - apart from the family thing. but what activity would he wished he had explored, which one excited him, which one would he get out of bed for. if it's writing stories - no matter how ghastly, or simple that sounds, open a blog and write them on the web. you may develop a cult following. stranger things have happened. if it's computing, get out all the books from the library, do the course etc. as someone once told me, sir richard branson and donald trump have the same 24hrs a day that we have, yet they've put more into them. they may at times, be cursed with depression, but they can now afford better shrinks.

my personal opinion is that when we fight against where we subconsciously know we want to go, we start to shrivel inside. i'm bidding time caring for my mum. when her time is over, i can focus on my dreams, goals etc. i'm doing little things to keep my spirit happy cos right now, it could sink like yours. try reading the four agreements by don miguel ruiz. i was desperate and so cheated by scanning the literal four agreements, before finding it a great read and devoting time to the book. it might help you find a basis to start on. hang in there, there are so many in your situation. and let us know how your journey is going as you may help someone else find their 'lightbulb' moment. big hug, b.