Anyone have trouble with non-bi partners

[KingOfTheFrogs]

Ok. I haven't been on these forums before but the guy I'm seeing wants me to find out whether his views are unusual.
I'm bi, and last September I started university. I joined the LGBT society to try and make friends with like-minded people. Earlier this year I was elected as the LGBT representative for our students union (I have to represent the LGBT community at union meetings and stuff). Obviously that makes my sexuality a bit more public than most people's. I usually tell people I'm bi early-ish on in a friendship (not just drop it into conversation but find an oppurtune moment. i find things more comfortable if people know my sexuality and i don't have to worry about confusing them by talking about checking out men/women)
Since then I've split up with the guy I was seeing and started seeing this new guy. He doesn't have a problem with me being bi, nor does he think that I'm going to run off with a woman. Which is good.
But the trouble is he doesn't feel comfortable with my sexuality being known to everyone. He finds it strange that if I'm with someone my sexual preferences should be discussed. For example he's blond and I wouldn't go round telling people I like brunettes.
In his view I'm with him and thats all that matters, and if I express my bisexuality, that might make other people question that our relationship will work. It might also mean that people ask him about his sexuality. He wants to choose who he talks to about his sexuality, rather than have people asking him questions about it.
He doesn't see why I should tell anyone I'm bi unless they ask me. Lots of people think he's gay because of the way he dresses and acts, which he doesn't mind, but he only tells people he isn't gay if they ask. (unlike me, I tell people I'm not gay/straight so they don't have to ask)

So what I'd like to know is this: has anyone else had similar problems when trying to start a relationship with a straight or gay partner? How did you sort it out? (did you sort it out?).

thanks very much

Sally

[Mimi]

hi sally,

first off, i'm so glad to hear that you are out and active in the LGBT community! i think that it's soooo important for bis to participate in activism and that's why i have done the same in my part of the world. so kudos to you! :)

i'm also glad that you are out to your bf and to your friends even while you are in a mf relationship. i think that what your bf is expressing is biphobia. even though he seems accepting of your sexuality in private, the fact that he is not comfortable with it "out there" shows that he is not totally over his biphobia. i think it comes from the misconception that bis are not truly fulfilled when they are with one gender. it sounds like you are the monogamous type (and so am i) and so your bf might be somehow afraid that you are "hanging on" to your bi identity b/c you have "one foot out the door" and are not fully committed to him. so you need to educate him that declaring your sexuality is in no way threatening your feelings for him. tell him that even if you marry him and live with him for the rest of your life it does not mean that you stop being bisexual. one example i use sometimes is being biracial. so let's say you're half white and half black. just because you end up with a white person (or black person) doesn't mean that you stop being biracial.

also, if he is wondering why you feel the need to tell people even though they don't ask, then say that you do that b/c the world automatically assumes that people are straight unless proven otherwise. or if they don't assume that you're striaght, then they will assume that you're gay, and so bisexuality becomes invisible.

you might want to show him this pamphlet by the Bisexual Resource Center which talks about different forms of biphobia: http://www.biresource.org/pamphlets/biphobia.html

good luck and keep us updated! :)

mimi :flag1:

[KingOfTheFrogs]

hi sally,

first off, i'm so glad to hear that you are out and active in the LGBT community! i think that it's soooo important for bis to participate in activism and that's why i have done the same in my part of the world. so kudos to you! :)

i'm also glad that you are out to your bf and to your friends even while you are in a mf relationship.

thanks :bigrin:


i think that what your bf is expressing is biphobia. even though he seems accepting of your sexuality in private, the fact that he is not comfortable with it "out there" shows that he is not totally over his biphobia. i think it comes from the misconception that bis are not truly fulfilled when they are with one gender. it sounds like you are the monogamous type (and so am i) and so your bf might be somehow afraid that you are "hanging on" to your bi identity b/c you have "one foot out the door" and are not fully committed to him. so you need to educate him that declaring your sexuality is in no way threatening your feelings for him. tell him that even if you marry him and live with him for the rest of your life it does not mean that you stop being bisexual.


He knows that me being bisexual doesn't mean that I can't be committed to him. He trusts that I don't need a woman in my life to be happy. He also is comfortable with me being bi, except that he doesn't understand why I have to tell everyone about it. He's never been in a minority or threatened group (middle class young white male) so he doesn't understand what its like. He doesn't understand the need to identify with a group (like the LGBT group I go to). This isn't just relating to sexuality, he doesn't understand me wanting to buy an England t-shirt to support our country in the world cup either! Being part of a group and showing support and solidarity are unifamiliar things to him because of what he is, and he can't help that he's not encountered something like this before.



also, if he is wondering why you feel the need to tell people even though they don't ask, then say that you do that b/c the world automatically assumes that people are straight unless proven otherwise. or if they don't assume that you're striaght, then they will assume that you're gay, and so bisexuality becomes invisible.


I think this is useful. I found it difficult to explain to him why it was important to me, and this might help him to understand. Thankyou :)



you might want to show him this pamphlet by the Bisexual Resource Center which talks about different forms of biphobia: http://www.biresource.org/pamphlets/biphobia.html


Reading this has been helpful, but I'm not sure I would have called him biphobic. Its not my sexuality that is troubling him, but whether me being bi will affect how people will see us/him. He just doesn't know what its going to be like, and cos its unfamiliar to him he needs to ask lots of questions.
I still don't know how often bi people encounter probs like these, or what they've ended up doing. I didn't come on here to find an answer to my situation, but to find out what other people have done if its come up. Your reply is much appreciated though Mimi :) does anyone else have any info or sources of info?

Sally

[BiNudistBear]

Being actively bi is by definition the opposite of monogamy, which many people -- your bf among them -- equate with love.

[julie]

"you might want to show him this pamphlet by the Bisexual Resource Center which talks about different forms of biphobia: http://www.biresource.org/pamphlets/biphobia.html"


Hmm... I do really struggle with this readiness to label folk as 'biphobic', just because they havent grasped the concept of being bisexual in a world which still barely comprehends homosexuality, let alone bisexuality, beyond the well worn stereotypes...

Mimi compares the concept of bisexuality with being bi-racial (duel-heritage being the latest politically acceptable term over here in the UK).. great analogy ;).

yet... if someone was struggling to make sense of how a person of duel heritage perceives and projects themselves, in order to express their identity.. i sincerely hope that their confusion wouldn't be labelled as 'racism' but rather seen as maybe a lack of cultural understanding?

.. because to immediately label someones lack of understanding as racist would be hostile, judgemental and rejecting behaviour ... sound familiar?

... just as it would be in labeling a person as biphobic or homophobic because they havent yet got their head around someone expressing an alternate sexuality.

...how can we expect folk to even begin to accept us for who we are.... if we instantly label them as biphobic because they dare to express a viewpoint that maybe lacks insight or is even just difficult for us to hear?!

...perhaps a little less defensive behavour and language.. and a little more compassion and empathy.. could be the way forward here?.. even after i finally accepted my huge sexual attraction for women It still took me another 14 years to comprehend that bisexuality was as unique and real as being straight or gay... And in hindsight it is glaringly obvious i've been bisexual all my life :cool:

and I too want to shout my bisexual orientation from the rooftops!...

... because I do believe the truth sets us free.. and if just one bisexual person hears that 'its ok to be bi' and so doesn't spend the first half of their life believing that they have to decide if they are gay or straight :( .. then i feel i will have done something constructive in demystifying a little of what it means to belong in from the edge of the 'kinsey' scale..

just my :2cents: Julie :female:

[julie]

Being actively bi is by definition the opposite of monogamy, which many people -- your bf among them -- equate with love.

I perceive myself as actively bi..and monogamous BiNudistBear..

and my understanding of the bisexual community is that it is as diverse in its expression of its sexuality as any other social group..

plus. here again Sallys bloke gets yet more assumptions heaped on him

:confused: what is happening here??

:three:.. now play nicely children!

julie :female:

[rayosytruenos]

Its not my sexuality that is troubling him, but whether me being bi will affect how people will see us/him.

Sally

Hi!

He seems to be a bit reserved and fed up for being asked so many times about his sexuality/your relationship for you being an out and activist bisexual (which I find it great- I wish I could have the guts to do the same - but I could even lose my job, if they knew that I also bed guys!!! :( ).

I guess it's more or less the same when you have a relationship with a politician, actor or any other public person. You are going to be judged and asked for whom you are with, but that's something you should have digested before committing to the relationship. Some cannot cope with the pressure.

I don't like to be asked about my sexuality either, as I think it's nobody's business but mine and the person's I'm interested in. My gay partners have known about my likes for girls also, and as far as I'm with them, they didn't mind, even if they thought "eeeewwww!!!!!" imagining me doing things with a girl... :bigrin:

Maybe I was more shocked when my partner told me he had been married 4 times and had even a son, but nevertheless he feels now completely gay!!! I guess it's a matter of acceptance and understanding.

The only conflict I see in your relationship is that you are outspoken about your sexuality and he's the opposite. I can understand that you shouldn't renounce to your principles, but don't try to make him be as outspoken about his sexuality as you are. Not all of us feel comfortable speaking about it...

I hope this could have been any helpful.

All the best,

ray :male:

[csrakate]

Hmm... I do really struggle with this readiness to label folk as 'biphobic', just because they havent grasped the concept of being bisexual in a world which still barely comprehends homosexuality, let alone bisexuality, beyond the well worn stereotypes...



Thank you julie...I really don't think it is a matter of biphobia on the part of the b/f, but perhaps the fear of having to deal with the naysayers out there that might tend to make judgements about their relationship.

As the wife of a bisexual man, one that married me over 25 years ago and has remained monogamous as well...I do NOT consider myself biphobic. I will admit to having had a few fears along the way...but they were mostly due to my lack of understanding and I can thank this site for helping me to sort out many of those fears. But...on the other hand...I am also tired of the response I receive from others when I tell of my bisexual hubby and his choice to remain monogamous....what do I often hear? "Yeah....RIGHT!!" And who do I hear this from??? Other bisexuals!! So yeah...I am rather reserved about shouting his sexuality from the rooftops. If I hear this from the bi community, I can only imagine what I will hear from the hetero world.

So please..don't be quick to judge this guy and label him biphobic...try to see how he might perhaps be a bit uncomfortable with his partner declaring her sexual choices in public and how they might be perceived by others...

Just my :2cents: and a view from the "other side".

Hugs,
Kate

[canuckotter]

For example he's blond and I wouldn't go round telling people I like brunettes. Why not? :)


In his view I'm with him and thats all that matters, and if I express my bisexuality, that might make other people question that our relationship will work. Yes... it might make other people question that your relationship will work... It has nothing whatsoever to do with him... :rolleyes:

Honestly, from your description it sounds like your bf has some other issues that he's inflicting on you. For you, your bisexuality is an important component of your identity, especially as the LGBT rep for the students' union. Let's say you were of Indian heritage and were involved in some clubs because of that. Would it be fair of him to say, "Well, you're not in India now, so why do you keep bringing it up?"

I think julie's right and your bf's reaction probably has nothing to do with biphobia (it certainly doesn't sound biphobic from your description), but I do think he's more than a little insecure. I don't have much patience for that in a partner, I'm afraid, so I can't provide any advice. :) My personal approach would be to say, "Deal with it or move on" but... yeah. Not always the best approach. ;)

[KingOfTheFrogs]

thanks everyone for all your responses you've been so helpful. Me and my partner have been discussing things and he wants to add his opinion to the board so people can see what he thinks "first-hand" so to speak. Here you go:

Hi, I’m Sally’s partner. Hope it is OK if I throw my penny/cent’s worth into the discussion… I quite understand Mimi referencing biphobia, of which I also appreciate Julie’s correction of this. Regarding the issue of biphobia, my partner originally quite rightly questioned whether my attitude was biphobic (indeed referring me to something similar) as I had a concern that she would always miss elements of a relationship that only a female partner might offer. I didn't assume this would be a problem, I only questioned it, and we're close enough for us to work toward my being able to understand her quell and worries. The issue of biphobia is however a central part of my concern - the biphobia of other people which undoubtedly effects many of you on this board: I have just stated that I didn't understand bisexuality and needed issues explaining to me, but I am a university educated guy who is not homophobic or biphobic, in fact by contrast I get very annoyed at presumptuous & stupid people thinking I am probably gay (maybe based on my loving dancing, certain mannerisms, my detesting football, my being completely turned off by girls who are dolled up to the nines and look like a real life barbie whom 'lads' are so vocally enthusiastic about, my fitted shirts, my etc – some of which may happen to be incorrect stereotypes but none of which have anything to do with my sexuality). So if I am tolerant and in fact proactive toward people acting (sexually or otherwise) in the way they choose, yet I had questions about bisexuality, how could I expect the rest of society to act? :s

Imagine being bi or gay and not being ‘out’. All the concerns of people's possible bi/homophobia, their lack of understanding, the impact it might have on friendships or employment, relationships with their family, people’s judgements of genuineness of your relationship with your partner etc may be reasons not to be ‘out’. I'd imagine this is even more of a concern for many of you than it is for gay people, as people understand less of bisexuality than homosexuality. To me I feel like even more of a minority: the heterosexual partner of a bisexual girl. I'm not sure if any of you know of or have heard of cases where a bi person is effectively publicly announced to all their friends and family as being bi when they didn't decide to come out. I don't know how this would effect them, whether liberating or traumatising. The concerns I mentioned above that I have may in many cases be the same as those of a bisexual who was very private about their sex life and chose not to come out.

My partner is an incredibly kind and caring girl and I know she’s following a career as a medic because of her aspirations to help people. I feel it is this same humanity & compassion that drives her to want to correct people's assumptions and to help other bisexuals and do her part to break the stereotypes of bisexuality. Outside of our getting together I thought this positive. Now our life events have crossed our paths to an extent where we are a couple and not solely friends, I find it a difficult situation, so much harder than I’d ever have perceived:

I really don't want anything *unnecessary* about my relationship or sexuality to be public, particularly as it may create assumptions and negative reactions mentioned earlier by making public my partners bisexuality. To me it is all no one else’s business. A relationship is between two people: as long as she is comfy with being bisexual, I am comfy with being heterosexual, neither of us have a point to prove, and we are happy with each other’s sexuality… then everything should be fine. She by contrast does not want people to think she is straight (which clearly the majority will assume if she is seeing a guy) and to overlook her true sexuality. I can empathise with her needing to correct people's assumptions, for example if she were to comment on finding a girl in a film attractive and there is some confusion on the part of those to whom she is talking - that may be a time to explain that she is attracted to girls. Whoever such a conversation were with (even if this compromises my comfort or causes huge problems for me in the future) I’d feel very uncomfortable for her to have to hide part of her. If people are naïve, or uncomfortable with the explained situation then I’ve as little tolerance for them as her – and would be prepared to deal with any negative consequences such as those I mentioned earlier: she certainly shouldn’t feel the need to hide her sexuality. BUT such situations of needing to correct people are not everyday occurrences: outside of such situations (and outside of her public role as LGBT officer for one year which I know I must accept). The bit I don't understand is why (though of course she doesn't just announce sexuality out of the blue) in meeting people it is also necessary to behave as she has described earlier: telling people she is bi *in advance* of a situation where her sexuality is of *any* business to those people, necessitating being bi as an identity through which everyone must view her entire personality & existence. If the same behaviour were exhibited for other important & intensely personal issues that need not be of relevance to others such as religion, it would be considered provoking, inappropriate and possibly fanatical.

As my partner asked in her original post – we really wanted to know if others had experienced similar problems, and it appears both of our views are certainly not unique. The second part of her question was whether anyone found a way to resolve their differences or if they did. Given the behaviour resulting from bisexuality that I don’t understand and described in the last paragraph – if there is by *any* chance someone who managed to resolve a situation where they or their partner felt the same I’d be so so *so* grateful if you would post.

[canuckotter]

I really don't want anything *unnecessary* about my relationship or sexuality to be public, particularly as it may create assumptions and negative reactions mentioned earlier by making public my partners bisexuality. To me it is all no one else’s business. Honestly... That's your hang-up. If you don't want to discuss your sexuality, it's easy: don't. If someone asks, just say "I'm with KingOfTheFrogs," and change topic. Ask your partner to say the same if anyone asks her about your sexuality. What she chooses to say about her sexuality (as long as specifics involving you aren't disclosed) is up to her.


BUT such situations of needing to correct people are not everyday occurrences: outside of such situations (and outside of her public role as LGBT officer for one year which I know I must accept). You're accepting the wrong thing entirely. You're a very private person; your partner, obviously, is not as private. You're trying to force her to live her life the way you live yours, even if you don't see it that way. Any relationship involves compromise, but you're asking her to make all the compromise and not offering any yourself. Again: if you don't want your private life made public, that's absolutely understandable and I'm sure KingOfTheFrogs understands and agrees with it 100%. You have every right to have input on what she says about you; but what she says about herself is her business.

What you don't -- and probably can't -- understand is what an incredible luxury Sally has in being able to be public about her bisexuality. Sally has that freedom right now, freedom that has probably 90% of the people on this board jealous of her, and you're asking her to give that up. You don't think of it that way, but to me it sounds like Sally (and a bunch of the rest of us) see it as you asking her to go at least partway back in the closet.

Personally, if my wife were so upset by my occasional admissions of bisexuality that she asked me to stop telling people (other than by the guidelines you suggested)... Well, I'd be pretty damn upset, to the point of arguing with her about it -- and anyone who knows me would know just how rare that is, and how upset I'd have to be. Maybe Sally isn't as upset as I would be, but you've obviously upset her enough to make her post here.

Like I said before, it's about compromise. I've already given my suggested compromise. What you guys do is up to you, and I hope that whatever it is, it works out for you.

[Avocado]

My fiancee is straight and I'm very much in the closet apart from her. We've told virtually none of our friends and we rarely talk about it in public.

[woolleygirl]

Well maybe you sir need to step back and see that their is someone else it your relationship beside you. What people think is there business you need to take care of one another and support the sexual as well as the mental. Being bi is wonderful you seem to never run out of things to do or talk about and not just sex. One neededs to have the freedom to express themselves as long as some protocal is observed. I once heard that if you cover a flower it will not bloom but if you give it room and sun it will thrive. Take care :2cents:

T