I'm new and a little scared [Archive]

keladry

Aug 25, 2011, 10:31 AM

Hi. I'm new here. I'm trying to accept my sexuality. I just want to share a bit of how I'm feeling because I don't have anyone else to tell. So, if you'll indulge me...

I've been repressing same sex attractions for years because I feel like because I like the opposite sex then I'm morally obligated to choose that. And that acknowledging my feelings about women is like. masochistic in some way. Like I'm choosing a harder life. Like I'm choosing something dirty and wrong.

And I like men more. Or I like a larger percentage of men than of women. And I've said to my friends that I just don't understand how people can be bisexual and shouldn't they be one way or another and other comments like that and worse. I've always been very understanding of my gay friends, but I've never had a friend who was openly bisexual and even if I had I don't know that I would have been very supportive.

My parents told me when I was younger that it was okay if I was gay... and I was like whatever, I like boys. They never said it was okay to like men and women... no one's ever said it's okay to like men and women. I just really feel like I shouldn't even indulge my same sex attractions in any way.

I don't want to like women; I don't want to think about them. I want to be normal marry a man and have babies. I wish I wasn't like I am.

And I read what I've written and I feel like it's the writing of a bigot. And that just makes me feel worse about myself and who I am.

I've really struggled with who I am over the last couple years and I am really trying to get it sorted out. I think I need to acknowledge this part of me so that I can stop hating myself so much, but so far it's only made me feel worse.

If you read this, thanks for your time.

dseven

Aug 25, 2011, 10:52 AM

Hi, look, you are going through one of the normal steps of acceptance, when I realized that I liked guys too, I felt dirty, I felt like I would never find someone who'll accept me, I didn't want to be who I was and wanted to be straight and have a "common" family. But, years have passed and since them I came a long way, I'm not saying that I accepted myself as a bisexual, I'm only 20 years old and I still have a lot of doubts (if you see my previous posts, you'll see), but I can tell you that I no longer feel dirty when I kiss a guy or think about them in the shower or whatever, I feel like on the emotional side, I like people, regardless of gender and on the physical side, well, I can shove my hand into your pants and be okay with what I find XD.

You can still have a tipical family (husband, wife, kids) if you want to, but if you want you, you can also have another type of family (wife, wife, kids) it'll be different, but the concept will remain. This doesn't mean that you changed one style of life for another, you just added another possibility to your future.

You need to experiment, with guys, with girls, kiss them, have sex with them, fall in love with them, stay always on the safe side (use condoms, latex barriers) but experiment, and don't came out to anyone unless you are sure. Or come out to your best friend or someone who you know is open-minded if you need to do so. But keep the number of people who know, low. And don't came out to your parents until you are sure. And please, stay away from religious nuts, they'll drive you crazy.

When you are sure of what you are, and you can call yourself straight or bisexual or pansexual or whatever, then you should be able to feel comfortable with your new identity and start living your life as you like.

Plus, always remember that as a female, you have the advantage that people think that bisexuality in females is far more common than in males (even though that's not true), so you will find a higher degree of acceptance.

Well hope I could help.
Hugs.
Dseven.

keladry

Aug 25, 2011, 11:11 AM

Realist

Aug 25, 2011, 11:27 AM

Welcome to the site, Keladry.

We are all influenced so much by morals, religious training, peers, conflicting thoughts, and experiences. I assure you there's someone on this site who you will relate to!

You've come to the right place to talk to others, who feel as you do, and have dealt with the same issues.

There are many intelligent folks, here, who may be able to share things that will help get yourself sorted out. Ultimately, the decision of what and how to go is up to you.

Right now, there's some exceptionally bright ladies, a few gay, mostly bisexual, and some straight, who may be more able to relate to you and help you along your way.

Some here may try to influence you to do something that is not what you want, so don't allow anyone to lead you down the wrong path....YOUR way is the only way that will make you happy...I KNOW!

Keep in mind, that you may hear some great advice, but like everywhere else, we have members who may be abrasive. Take what you need and ignore the rest!

Good luck, and again, welcome!

Jobelorocks

Aug 25, 2011, 11:37 AM

I can understand repressing same-sex attraction and feeling morally obligated to choose the opposite sex, because I did that for many years. I grew up in an Evangelical group and same-sex attraction was a no no. So since I was attracted to both men and women, I just stuck with men. You CANNOT help who you are attracted to. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about being attracted to both. Most people have felt some level of attraction to both genders at some points (if not the majority) of their lives. You are not alone.

I like men more as well, and I like men romantically and sexually, while I just like women sexually. I use to say negative things about bisexuals in the past in my efforts to try to hide my feelings or to try to convince myself I was not one. Many bisexuals are very fearful of being out mostly because there is little acceptance for us in the heterosexual and the homosexual communities. Many cannot understand that you can be attracted to both and how you can't just "choose" a side. We cannot choose our attractions any more than heterosexuals or homosexuals.

The first thing you need to do is accept yourself for who and what you are. Then you realize being bisexual does not change who you are or what you can do with your life. You can have the life where you get married to a man and one day have children. Take it from me, I am a happily married bisexual woman who wants to one day have children with her husband. I am happy and fulfilled and my husband is very supportive of my sexuality and lets me explore it.

Now in regards of deciding what you are and coming out. No one except you knows your sexual and emotional attractions except you. Let no one tell you what you are or are not, or that you are just going through a phase or whatever. Only you know what attractions you have. You have the right to figure that out for yourself. If you do decide that you really are attracted to both and identify as bisexual, then you also have the right choosing who you come out to and when. Only you can weigh your different situations regarding the relationships in your life and decide whether it is worth it or not to come out to people. Use your own judgement, weigh the pros and cons. Do not let anyone pressure you or guilt you to come out if you are unwilling or not ready.

You sound a lot like how I was. I hope that you come to a genuine self-realization and self-acceptance. I hope this helps.

Jobelorocks

Aug 25, 2011, 11:43 AM

First of all thank you so much. What you said means a lot. I appreciate that you shared that with me. It's so easy for me to see what other people say and think it's wrong that you would ever have to feel dirty for kissing someone you wanted to kiss just because of their gender.

One problem: I am a religious nut. I believe a lot of the good and a lot of the bad that religion offers. A lot of my friends are religious though I have a few gay friends who are religious and who I think would be pretty supportive. I'm just worried that they'll be mad at me for lying to them. I've told them point blank that I'm straight. Even after they had told me they were gay.

I just feel so fraudulent.

Thanks for the hugs
Hun, you can come to terms to with religion and your sexuality. I for one am a hardcore Catholic for the most part. But I realized that when the rules were made about sex and sexuality, they understood really nothing about it. All they really knew was woman + man = babies, they didn't know about the genuine love that can be between two of the same gender, or that you can't control who you are attracted to. Over time you can come to terms with your sexuality and your religion. Now I don't know what religion you are, but if you are a Christian I suggest you watch the documentary "Fish out of Water" it is more about homosexuality, but it can help clear things up about what the Bible really has to say about same-sex attraction.

zappafan

Aug 25, 2011, 1:33 PM

Over time you can come to terms with your sexuality and your religion. Now I don't know what religion you are, but if you are a Christian I suggest you watch the documentary "Fish out of Water" it is more about homosexuality, but it can help clear things up about what the Bible really has to say about same-sex attraction.

It may also help to read a recent book "Unprotected Texts" that is also about what the bible professes sexually, with good commentary and historical perspective. Remember that the bible was written over a long period of time and in several different languages by many different authors. It really does reflect many changes in the Hebrew culture over its span, and perhaps learning more about those would help.

What I will also tell you is that it takes time to learn, accept, and be comfortable with these things--if you work at it. If you are worried about what people will do if you contradict what you told them earlier, tell them the truth. You have been through more life experiences which caused you to look at things a different way. You meant what you said then, but things have changed, and so have you. It's not wrong, you are just working with different feelings, facts, and assumptions. You can always simply say, "I know better now".

My personal journey has been similar to what you've described. I never wanted to be attracted to men. But, over time and with more life experience, I have become attracted to men. I have not acted on that attraction. I'm certainly not ready for a romantic relationship with a male. I am married, and we only have very vanilla intercourse. I have fantasies, and currently, I am ok with that. But, it's taken a long time for me to come to the point where it just doesn't matter to me.

keladry

Aug 25, 2011, 1:51 PM

realist:Thank you. I'm overwhelmed that anyone even cares.

Jobelorocks: Thanks. It really helps to hear you say that. Even if I only hear it and discard it for now... it's really hard for me to be okay with this. Yeah, I'm a pretty good Catholic except for a few major things...

I'm kind of at a loss for words that aren't full of self doubt and loathing and so that's all I'll say for now, but thanks I really do appreciate it

keladry

Aug 25, 2011, 4:04 PM

zappafan: sorry i only just saw your message. I know a bit about the bible. And I'm totally there for my gay friends to spread the God is love message. But... it's different when its me. And its different because, I'm not gay. I'm attracted to men. You know? I don't know if that makes sense. Thanks though

LastGent

Aug 25, 2011, 8:44 PM

About what your parents said, keladry, I was with PFLAG for awhile, and a couple pairs of parents in my group, talking about their bisexual children, said things to the effect "We wish he would just be gay all the time", or, "We know he's just in denial about his homosexuality." So I totally understand that your parents made you feel worse. It sounds like, to me, that despite your parents' gay-affirmingness, you have picked the more archaic Catholic views on sexuality because you feel "masochistic", but the masochism is not a same-sex attraction, as you said-I think you're beating yourself up for being bisexual, and looking for a reason to justify your self-hatred. Do not get wallowed in what the Bible does or does not say on sexuality. I never felt those arguments went anywhere. If you are interested in Christian views on sexuality, I recommend the book "Same-Sex Unions in Pre-Modern Europe" by John Boswell. A very scholarly work. I recently skimmed through a book about nuns, I can't remember what it's called, but one nun started a mission for gay Catholics, and she said how different theologians had different views on what homosexuals should do with themselves, which is true. Her main goal was to make gay Catholics aware of these choices-that they had choices, to begin with-and that they must decide according to their relationship with God and the dictates of their of own consciences, what was best for them sexually. There is a small Catholic denomination, called an 'Old' Catholic Order, that exists in the U.S. It's pretty much like a liberal church; they don't divide people based on personal choices like birth control, sexuality and other stuff. You can search the web for "The Order of Saint John the Beloved", which is an Old Catholic Order in Pennsylvania I think, study their history. And don't try to suppress your sexuality-suppressing any part of it leads to mental problems. I happen to be a sadomasochist (don't squirm), and I repressed this so hard that I mentally castrated myself. I didn't develop of sex drive until I was 21, when I accepted myself and could finally have relationships with others.

keladry

Aug 25, 2011, 9:15 PM

Last Gent: Thank you for your time and thoughts and cares...

Mostly I mean that I feel like because I do find men attractive, wouldn't life just be easier to continue to disallow my same sex attractions? Like I guess it's part of me feeling like I should be able to control everything. Like I should be able to just "turn it off" and stick to the normal life of a heterosexual person, And I've had so many issues, I feel like it's going to be viewed as another thing. I view it as just another thing. I guess part of me believes that crap that I am choosing this, even though I'd never think that about anyone else. So that's what I meant by masochistic I guess, (that I am making a choice for a harder life) I didn't mean to offend with that term, I'm sorry if I did. I'll be more careful in the future (possibly not use it at all).

I actually know someone who is ordained in that order of the old catholic church, he's sort of a surrogate father for one of my besties from college. but to attend mass there ==excommunication from the Catholic Church and I'm just not ready to go there. It's pathetic I know but I could just marry a man and remain a mainstream catholic who pushes for gays in the church (i went to a really liberal Catholic Church at college, they got letters threatening excommunication regularly because of how liberal they are and lots of the area people who were fed up with Catholicism but still love being Catholic and lots of people who are LGBTQ went there. It was a great place.

I don't know why but I feel like it's really really not okay to be the way I am. And I'll admit that you are right. I do hate myself. And I hate myself for being attracted to women. I feel like it's just another reason I'm defective. And I hate that I think this way because it means I'm horrid and intolerant, and all the things I say about equality and justice are crap. I don't think people who are bisexual are defective, yet I think that having same and opposite sex attractions contributes to my defectiveness? it defies logic.

I'm not ready to give up being Catholic, and I know that isn't what you're asking exactly but it still feels that way to me.

elian

Aug 25, 2011, 9:45 PM

When I was growing up I knew I was different. I specifically did not get seriously involved with women because I didn't want to fall in love, start to raise a family knowing I had "gay" inclinations and potential hurt my partner.

Not knowing any better I tried to prove to myself for a long time whether I could be happy "just being straight" or "just being gay" because frankly when and where I grew up I had never heard or given bisexuality much thought. I'd laugh and say "Double your chances for a date?" but I never seriously considered it.

Once I had enough gay and straight relationship experience all that seemed to happen is that I was unhappy and confused. I couldn't understand how I could lust after men so much one week and then see a woman being intimate and also be aroused by that.

Then, I just happened to find this site, and the more I read the more I realized that there is a whole spectrum of both romantic and physical attraction, it's not just one OR the other, and very few things in nature really are binary like that.. There are men and women who are accepting of a bisexual partner. Besides, just because you are bi does not mean that you are promiscuous - some want poly relationships but others remain monogamous.

I think I was a shaker in a former life, I've also taken having to confront my sexuality very hard. I didn't really want to be different but I never fit in. When I was growing up I used to call out to God, "Why did you make me this way?" The answers I got varied from "I had to so you would understand" to silence to simply "I'm sorry". I choose to believe that by making me question my sexuality and see things "from the outside looking in" at what it means to be "normal" God gave me the gift of an open mind. It was a painful gift, but I can't imagine what I would be like without it now

As a white man it would be hard for me to understand what it feels like to be female in a male dominated world but I got at least enough of a taste of it through my sexuality to know what it feels like to be discriminated against in general. ..there is no sense in denying I have feelings for members of the same sex.

Your sexuality is one part of who you are as a WHOLE person, every person has a spark of divine essence and every person is as worthy of love and respect as any other part of creation.

I used to be filled with self-loathing but whatever I have around me seems to have proven that I am still loved, whether I care for men or women. I have loved and cared for both and the despite my looking, wondering and worrying the sky has yet to fall down.

Bisexual people are unique in that we can actually build a bridge where some others fail. There are so many hurting people in this world, and we have the capacity to love anyone. That is a blessing, not a curse. :)

The thread on religious thought is locked now because it unfortunately degenerated into name calling, but please see my previous posts below - there are some good links to a film called "For the Bible Tells Me So". It's about young teens and their parents who are religious figures in the church coming to terms with the fact that their child is not straight.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeLDsBPSzYg

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showpost.php?p=206667&postcount=26

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showpost.php?p=206615&postcount=14

http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?p=206667#post206667

Just so you know, the UCC, MCC and Unitarian Churches are generally welcoming of LGBT people so there are people and institutions of Christian and other faiths that are accepting.

LastGent

Aug 25, 2011, 9:55 PM

tristancir

Aug 25, 2011, 10:05 PM

Coming to the realization that it makes perfect sense to like both men and women is a leap forward. We are not inclined to like only one type of food or one type of anything. Why is it so strange that we like more than one gender?

There are men I find attractive and those I don't. There are women I find attractive and those I don't. It isn't the gender.

elian

Aug 25, 2011, 10:20 PM

Do not think, for a minute, that you NEED to give up being Catholic for any reason-just don't go there.
Don't be concerned about feeling hypocritical; most people are not saints. Have you tried making a list of all the things you feel are your defects and ask yourself how you came to believe they are defects? Take an hour off, space out to music, and think about it. And of course, ask God if He wants your life to suck. Marrying a man and having tons of children is like the Catholic lifestyle, and you might tell yourself that is what God wants for you-but the way you describe your feelings about wanting to change your sexuality-it's about what YOU want, what YOU wish to be so, and not necessarily what God wants for you. Sometimes He says it's okay.

I've said this a million times but I'll say it again. My relationship with the divine became so much more meaningful when I stopped thinking of God as an angry old parental figure on a throne and started thinking of that relationship as a loving partner relationship. The creator doesn't do things maliciously simply to cause me pain, it does things out of love, to ultimately make me a better person.

Sex is a natural part of being human and institutions of faith do a disservice to humanity when they sweep sexuality under the rug. I understand that one should have a reverent attitude toward the creator but the same institutions really did a number on the self-esteem of people by completely SEPARATING humanity from God and shaming us into submission.

I know there are many kind, generous Christians who live by the parables that Jesus taught, I love these people, despite some of them not being able to understand LGBT discrimination (if I simply walk away from them what do either of us really learn?) Some of the things the institutions have done in the past bother me. Hopefully I can forgive that, knowing the charity and inspirational work they do in the world means so much to so many people.

keladry

Aug 25, 2011, 10:34 PM

drspin

Aug 25, 2011, 11:01 PM

God Bless you Keladry and welcome to the site. Lot of great people here: )

keladry

Aug 26, 2011, 12:48 AM

Again, I would like to start with thanking everyone for their time, their effort, the simple fact that they care.

I disagree with a few things, one of which I am going to address and the rest of which I am just going to let go.

I feel I must address the fact that I absolutely want to have babies. I always have, I think I always will. Lots and lots of babies. Always. I don't want it because its the "Catholic dream" as it was so called, but how can it be that I should not long for what I long for just because I'm not the kind of person who should want that? It seems very against the whole thing we are talking about here. I used to think I was the worst feminist ever for wanting that, but that battle I have won. Real feminism is the ability to choose and to go after the kind of life you want. Whether that's to be a stay at home mom with your children, a lawyer with no children, or anything in between or on the side of that.

Now, if you will indulge me, this is what I came up with: I still hate myself. I still feel deficient. Seeing it laid out shows me it's not all logical, but I also know that deconstructing it is a dangerous business and needs to be done slowly. I've done it the wrong way before and the consequences are dire.

This is what came to me. I'm not meaning to prove anything with this verse or anything like that just saying it is some thoughts that came to me prayerfully.

NRSV-from memory- 1 John 3:18-20

"Little children let us love not in word or speech but in truth and action and by this we shall know we are from the truth whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything."

This is why I am Catholic. This is why I’m Christian. Even when I am utterly convinced I am not loveable... that I am nothing that I know in my deepest and darkest of hearts that I’m not good enough OR when I know in their hearts I'm not enough. I know that God is greater than our hearts and he knows all things. The first part I take as a challenge to love better and to have security in that love. I know I'm not capable of that agape love that's being discussed, but it's enough.

Because God is > our hearts. So no matter how my heart condemns me. God is greater than that. And I do believe that God made me this way. At least right now, at least in this moment I can see, I can't promise to feel this way tomorrow but...

I'm not sure all this that says about the actions that I should or should not take, but I guess I need to figure out a way to accept the feelings, the lust, the emotions, the thoughts that I have. And God... he knows all things. I don't know what it means.

God is greater than my heart and he knows my heart. Even if I do the wrong thing, He knows all the reasons why, even better than I do. He knows me better than I know myself. Ugh. I still don't feel okay about it, I don't feel okay. But I can try to trust that God will have my back on this one. Because He knows all things... He knows...

elian

Aug 26, 2011, 5:39 AM

The reason we are here is to learn the lessons you are learning, when I say "you are just as worthy of respect and love" I don't say it to be arrogant but because I know in dark hours of the morning humans can doubt themselves terribly. In this life at least we may never be as "good" as God, but the pain you are working through is hopefully moving you toward the goal of being loving LIKE God and ultimately that is why we are here.

If in your heart you want to have big family there is nothing wrong with that, whether you settle down with a man, or adopt other children who also long for a family, or do like Mother Theresa and make the world your family.

Both of these things are beautiful things, they aren't something to be ashamed of.

Some people don't like the word God, well it's apparent to me that even if you don't spiritually or mentally believe in a creator the physical creation itself is abundantly giving in just the same way..it's a shame we abuse it the way we do but ultimately all of those people who exploit material resources are ALSO learning a lesson..

Jobelorocks

Aug 26, 2011, 7:16 AM

As for being Catholic and my sexuality two things that really helped me was this quote (from a Lesbian minister) "I think that God cares more about what we do with our resources then our genitals," and the fact that a bunch of old virgins made all the rules about sex. Does that make any sense? No, because they really don't know much about the subject. I wouldn't go to a hair dresser to treat my stomach ache, because that is not their expertise. I think that the Catholic Church depending on the teachings and decisions of a bunch of old virgins on sex is the same sort of situation.

LastGent

Aug 27, 2011, 12:12 PM

I am surprised, keladry, hearing you say you sometimes think you are unlovable, that you are not suicidal-and I don't mean that sarcastically. A lot of folk who share your feelings do not want to go on living. I also wish to say, that believing you are unlovable is a lie-we are all loved all the time, and we forget this at times in our lives-it is something we must remember. Thinking we are unloved is a rejection of the reality of the universe, as it were.
What I think you really need to do, is see a psychotherapist. You have kept these feelings hidden from your community-you walk around smiling, but mentally you're screaming at yourself. You need the acceptance, support, and nonjudgementalness of another human in your presence, not a computer screen. Coming to this website is a sign that you are cracking. And I bet your family is still completely oblivious, aren't they? Permit another person to help sort your feelings out and reduce the amount of misery with some compassion-in a live, face to face encounter. The understanding of another person looking right at you is quite relieving.

keladry

Aug 27, 2011, 1:54 PM

Well you're right of course. I don't know, this is like, going to be an overshare probably, but what the hell.

I've been suicidal; however, the truth of the matter is, even if my life is meaningless I know my death wouldn't be. People wouldn't realize it was okay, and they would be hurt. People I care about. So, I live on...

I was seeing a therapist. It's complicated but I had to stop. And I never told him about these feelings, I wasn't even letting myself acknowledge them at the time. My parents know something's "wrong" with me and have sent me to a psychiatrist. They think I'm crazy like my mom is (there is, in fact very little evidence that I'm mentally ill in the same way that she is, even the psych. agrees with me, but they're convinced, you know?). It would seem they are happy to pay for drugs, but they won't pay for therapy... they think its a bunch of crap.

I don't want to take the drugs though, until I get these things sorted. I mean, I feel like it's a least possible nothing is extremely wrong with me, and if I can learn to accept myself I won't need them or won't need as many. or something. I don't know. I was started on a new drug, but I've stopped taking it... it's bad I know. I really don't want to face the psych and tell her that.

I see her on Monday. I've been thinking about telling the psychiatrist about my attractions/feelings about them and how they make me feel and maybe she will suggest a therapist, my parents might accept it if it comes from her, I don't know. I'm just worried she'll freak because I've not been taking my meds : / And there really isn't money to pay for one, so I don't know...

elian

Aug 27, 2011, 5:05 PM

Considering the professional manual no longer lists same sex attraction as an "illness" you should absolutely confide in your therapist - that person is not allowed to divulge the content of your sessions with anyone else unless they have your permission to share.

Are all of these negative thoughts centered around your sexuality? In any event, I hope you will take what I wrote to heart - You are loved!!

Your life isn't meaningless keladry, when I wrote what I wrote above I was also telling myself the same words, and I really needed to hear them! If you weren't here to ask the questions then I wouldn't have had the inspiration.

Your life is NOT a mistake, God made you just the way you need to be. You are a loving, caring human being and the world would be less bright if you decided to leave it. I was so happy to point out to you that a big family isn't a bad thing, there are a lot of children in the world who would love to have a stable, loving family...whether that's with a man, a woman or in an organization that provides love through bowls of soup..I dunno, like the order of Mother Theresa..seriously..your dream is good and beautiful, but you must have patience and love for yourself ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BsLd4Y060Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VSyuar6oF8

http://www.context.org/ICLIB/IC01/Manitong.htm

Hang in there! <hugs>

Cherokee_Mountaincat

Aug 27, 2011, 5:25 PM

Babygirl, just be You. Just keep an opened mind and discover who your are inside. Its perfectly fine to look at girls and wonder, or even have a hankering to know what being with a woman is like. There is absolutely Nothing wrong with it. And the only way you'll know if being Bi is right for you is for you to think about further and maybe act on it someday..when you are Ready for it. You'll know when, so no worries. ;)
Hugs Hon
Cat, everybodys feline.

keladry

Aug 27, 2011, 6:26 PM

she's not a therapist, she prescribes medicine. i don't tell her about my feelings and shit. I. oh I don't know.

Sorry I'm so difficult and whiny. Thanks for caring though <3

nicco413

Aug 28, 2011, 2:55 AM

Im a catholic too!!
Strange how our upbringing conflicts so often with our sexuality, but to be honest, and I experienced consensual bi sex at a tender age, if God didnt want us to enjoy ourselves why did he design our bodies to enjoy sex so much.
As a retired farmer I believe, from watching animals in their natural state, that bisexuality is the norm to relieve sexual tensions, society and religion has stigmatised bi and gay homosexuality but God would never want people to be unhappy and repress their sexuality and ulitimate fulfilment.
I can find my God in the middle of a field, my faith is strong, but so is my sex drive and I am glad that I accept myself for what I am- a human being who just happens to enjoy making love with men and women.
Do not be ashamed of your attractions to same sex, it is natural, I do hope one day you will find a soul mate and will then experience true love.

Bi_ukm

Aug 28, 2011, 9:06 AM

First of all welcome! I'm also new :)

I haven't read what other users have replied so i'm probably going to repeat what theyve already said and maybe only solidify whats been said.

Second, it IS okay to like/love/fancy men and women. Bisexuality goes far back in history and its only been labelled for the modern world.

I really think that you shouldnt come out until you've fully accepted yourself, can understand how you feel about yourself and love yourself again, because at the moment, its you thats most important.

Lots of bi women, go on to have happy marriages and children and may not even feel a need for extra in other women. There is no stereotypical normal, only whats normal in yourself, theres nothing to say your sexuality will stop you from having what you most desire.

I hope you find yourself and love who you are again, and in the mean time take trust in everyone here at bi to help you when you need us!

X

keladry

Aug 28, 2011, 3:34 PM

Thanks, I am working on getting it sorted, I really am. I want to love me again, I think anyway, hah.

shyguy59

Aug 28, 2011, 7:10 PM

elian

Aug 29, 2011, 4:37 PM

I had the strangest, saddest dream last night but it made a point. I was at a party with many people, and my "great grandmother" who I love (loved) very much did not look well (she already has passed IRL). To be honest, I've never seen this lady's face before but she asked for a slice of pie for dessert and somehow I got into my mind that this was going to be the last time I ever saw that woman. Well, I'll tell you that you've never seen someone walk across the room with such a distraught look on their face to ask for a slice of pie. I just felt overwhelmed that I knew this was the last time I would see her. "She says she wants pie", I said - all broken up on the verge of tears. People were wondering what was going on.

I woke up, and a voice said to me in the dream - "Don't blame yourself" - It was a very strange and poignant way of teaching that we all must face certain circumstances. We can care for other people and be attentive to them but other people will do what they will do and YOU are not RESPONSIBLE for their actions. It was a lesson that I needed to hear and you seem to be in a similar situation - just because the people around you sometimes act badly doesn't always mean that you caused them to act that way. You are not responsible for their response to life, that is their responsibility.

LastGent

Aug 29, 2011, 8:54 PM

keladry

Aug 29, 2011, 10:54 PM

I think you are being really unfair. Not to be five, but you've hurt my feelings a bit.

First of all: A psychiatrist is not the same thing as a psychotherapist. I haven't lied to my psychiatrist, and maybe I was lying to my old therapist, but I was only telling him lies I told myself and believed.

As it turns out, I told my psychiatrist I was struggling with accepting my sexuality and she wrote me a referral to see a therapist.

Just, just leave me alone okay? I'm doing the best that I can.

elian

Aug 30, 2011, 6:34 AM

I think you're doing the right thing keladry, it will get better.

keladry

Aug 30, 2011, 6:40 AM

No, he's a right, a waste of time, a waste of money, a waste of space... i guess my oversharing is wasting his time as well. I'm sorry everyone I didn't mean to waste your time. I really... I guess I was just being selfish.

elian

Aug 30, 2011, 6:55 AM

You didn't do anything wrong, you reached out and asked for help..not every person you meet is going to be kind but that's okay - have faith and confidence in yourself - you are a beautiful person and I think you are doing the right thing.. don't let anyone discourage you from going after your dreams..

elian

Sep 12, 2011, 6:21 AM

<hugs>

I hope you are feeling better today!

Realist

Sep 12, 2011, 9:20 AM

Keladry,

You're not wasting your time, or ours.

Many of us have been on the same road you're on, some worse, some not so bad, but we care about you because you're one of us.

Give us your thoughts, fears, aspirations, questions...whatever you do, don't give up.

You are not alone!

DuckiesDarling

Sep 12, 2011, 10:40 AM

I am really unclear why anyone would think they have the right to judge whether or not a person's time is wasted..........

Keladry, you have not wasted any time, not yours, not ours, I wish you well in your life no matter what choice you make. Hugs.

csrakate

Sep 12, 2011, 10:59 AM

Oh, keladry, some of my suspicions have been justified. You originally posted that you thought getting into a lesbian relationship would make your life hard-but as I hope you can see, suppressing your sexuality is a hundred times harder. Your mental health treatment is never going to work because you are not treating the problem. You're leading everyone around, wasting money, wasting your life. You can over share with strange usernames, but not with a stranger who is a therapist? We don't have any training in mental health! What gives? You must start being honest with the folk around you, and stop wasting your psychiatrist's time. Cessation of lies will probably relieve your self-loathing a bit.

Keladry,
I think you have misunderstood LastGent's post....he's not fussing at you for wasting our time...he's fussing because you have therapists at your beck and call and you're not being honest with them. You have found it much easier to share the core of your issues with us, a bunch of strangers, yet you lie and deceive those that are being paid to help you. You can't get help if you won't let those people help you! I beseech you to re-think their role in your life. Also, your psychiatrist may prescribe meds for you, but they need to know the truth about what you feel and how you feel in order for them to be of help to you. Quit hiding your feelings...you've proven on this forum that you're capable of sharing those feelings....do it with the right people! We're here to listen and give input, but we're not trained to give you the help you REALLY need. And you're very lucky to have the professionals available to you.....some people don't have that option.

keladry

Sep 12, 2011, 2:10 PM

Realist, DuckiesDarling, Elian thanks : ] You don't have to care you know? I really am grateful though... even if I sound really really whiny because I've take a defensive posture. Some of that is my fault I'm sure. I really don't like the defensive posture I'm required to assume when I post here now. It makes me say things in a way that I wouldn't and I focus on different things. And I was feeling really alone so... thanks : ]

Now on to that defensive posturing ...

csrakate:
I don't have therapists at my beck and call. I did while I was at school. I'm not at school anymore and I didn't admit to my male therapist I saw in college that I was hot for women because I wasn't ready to admit that to myself. Again, I don't know how I was supposed to do things any differently than I did. I did tell him I thought of myself as a slut and a whore, but honestly I had a lot of other issues so it didn't really take priority.

I'm back with very anti-therapy parents and I'm terrified to tell them that I want to start going to therapy again. The closest reputable place is 90 miles away and will have significant out of pocket cost, and if my parents say no then I will be forced to use the money I was saving to move the fuck out of this hell house on it and it won't even last that long so I don't know if it would be a good idea to open the can of worms when I'm not sure that I would be able to resolve anything. I got a referral from my psychiatrist after I told her about HOW I'm feeling about my sexuality... I just don't tell her WHAT my feelings are. Honestly, that's not her job. Anyway, I told her HOW I was feeling about my sexuality and she wrote me a referral to see someone who's job it is to to know WHAT my feelings are. I have not lied to my psych about anything. I have told her about a couple of things that I'm not really ready to talk about them, but I haven't lied. I really really take offense to being called a liar. It's a very sensitive subject for me. It really really really upsets me to be accused of deception and lies. So I guess if you want to know an easy way to hurt me, you've found one.

My parents had to pay for therapy for me once and they told me it was a complete and total waste of time and money. They told me I was an idiot for thinking it would work, that really all my problems would be fixed by popping a pill. you really shouldn't assume that it's just easy for me to get to therapy just because I had access to it in the past... and anyway the therapist's office still hasn't called me about the referral I was going to call today but I need to talk to my father about it first and he ran off this morning before I could talk to him... I might try to talk to him tonight and call tomorrow if I can somehow persuade him it's a worthwhile endeavor... and survive the berating I will get for suggesting it.

The reason, perhaps, I find it easier is that I'm not in the same place that I was when I saw my therapist. I'm able to talk about things that I literally physiologically was not able to talk about before. It's not so much about it being online and non professional strangers as it being different, as ME being different. Besides, this thread isn't the whole story of my life... there are things I have NOT posted here that I have discussed with mental health professionals, I mean... that's obvious right? I don't know why I even have to say it. The CORE OR MY ISSUES as you say might be better said as "my attraction to women and men" but my previous therapist knew about many other issues that were at THE CORE OF MY ISSUES as does my current psychiatrist.

csrakate

Sep 12, 2011, 3:20 PM

Keladry, I never meant to offend you. All I was trying to point out was that I don't think LastGent was trying to insult you. I think he was just using a bit of tough love to help you see how you need to reach out for help. Please forgive me if I offended you....that was the furthest thing from my mind when I posted. My words came across a bit stronger than I had intended....and I never meant to make you feel like I thought you were a liar. I just can tell you are suffering and I merely wanted you to realize that there are people out there who can help you...but only if you are honest with them. That's all.

tenni

Sep 12, 2011, 3:56 PM

"If you read this, thanks for your time."post 1

"I don't know why I even have to say it. The CORE OR MY ISSUES as you say might be better said as "my attraction to women and men" but my previous therapist knew about many other issues that were at THE CORE OF MY ISSUES as does my current psychiatrist." post 41

I'm trying to figure out what this thread is about and I think that the two above posts may be it.

You are looking for someone to listen to you. You seem unsure what your core issues are but have raised the issue of your attraction to men and women.

You have also woven your posts and diverted to other situations that you are dealing with. There are a group of posters on this site who frequently give "platitudes" as a response to posters who seem to cry out for help. If they make you feel good briefly good. In the long run, they won't amount to a hill of beans in your real world.

1/ Many here can re affirm that it is acceptable to be attracted to both men and women. Read their stories as to how they evolved and developed a positive self esteem about their/your sexuality.

2/ You seem to be overwhelmed with what direction is best for you at this point. I suspect that it is your self esteem. If you feel good about yourself, you will feel good about being attracted to both men and women.

3/ I may be wrong, but be careful not to fall into a depression where you feel helpless...or worse "learned helpless". You may wallow in self pity or you can devise step by step plans to get yourself out of your present environment. Remember not to look for reasons why a step won't work but actually try to get that first step to work. If it doesn't maybe the step was too great at this time...trying a smaller step. If it doesn't look for another option. As hard as it seems, don't give up.

Everyone who has posted has posted as an attempt to help you. If you are offended, it may be because that poster has touched a nerve of the core issues and you have felt threatened rather than relieved that someone has tried to make a suggestion. If we got it wrong, it was not on purpose to offend you...it was done as an attempt to help. A learned helpless person is inclined to reject an idea rather than reach up to try to move on and over the stone/bolder holding them in a state of inertia.

Good luck to you.

keladry

Sep 12, 2011, 3:59 PM

Keladry,
I think you have misunderstood LastGent's post....he's not fussing at you for wasting our time...he's fussing because you have therapists at your beck and call and you're not being honest with them. You have found it much easier to share the core of your issues with us, a bunch of strangers,

yet you lie and deceive those that are being paid to help you.

You can't get help if you won't let those people help you! I beseech you to re-think their role in your life. Also, your psychiatrist may prescribe meds for you, but they need to know the truth about what you feel and how you feel in order for them to be of help to you. Quit hiding your feelings...you've proven on this forum that you're capable of sharing those feelings....do it with the right people! We're here to listen and give input, but we're not trained to give you the help you REALLY need. And you're very lucky to have the professionals available to you.....some people don't have that option.

how does that mesh with "I never meant to make you feel like I thought you were a liar"
doesn't make sense to me. I COULD be reading more into this but being told I lie and deceive isn't really easy to find a positive spin on. I'm overly sensitive to this kind of insult and I know that, so I should just let it go, because it offends me an unreasonable amount.

It's nice that you care, but really. I'm really tired of defending myself when I'm really just doing the best that I can. I'm tapped out. I can't try harder than I am... I might be able to try better, but not harder.

csrakate

Sep 12, 2011, 4:23 PM

I give up, Keladry....I said I was sorry...I was simply paraphrasing LastGent's words and I was never calling you a liar. I admitted I may have used words that were too harsh...and yet you can't let it go. Sorry, but I am done....I don't know what else I could do to make this any better. I suggest you develop a thicker skin if you plan to get through your adulthood with a modicum of sanity.....I truly had good intentions...I'm sorry you can't see beyond your hurt feelings to accept that.

elian

Sep 12, 2011, 4:48 PM

I hope everyone can recognize that there is a difference between blatantly lying about something vs. someone genuinely having to sort through their attitudes and feelings. Your background and experiences were not clear in the original posts and I think kate was referring back to those original posts.

Regardless of all that..

There is a bit of truth in what everyone is saying.., in your future you can gain more self-esteem and respect, you may feel more at ease with your sexuality once you can be independent.

Also, it is true that although therapists are trained professionals they can only help you with what you are willing to share. Only you can decide what you want to share with them or not and I imagine it's not an easy task. I knew I needed therapy for years but was afraid to go because of the social stigma society places on it.

I used to have guilt about sexual desire, still do to some degree but it is a part of being human. With a lot of love and the right person sex can be something beautiful.

Look at it this way, eventually you will be able to make your own decision whether your parents agree with it or not.

I'm sorry for posting if it is causing you more stress, but I hope you know that we still care about you too! Eventually you will get through this keladry, stay strong!!

<hugs>

keladry

Sep 12, 2011, 4:50 PM

I do read other people's experiences along with talking to them about how they came to accept their attractions... as well as reading things like LGBTQ nation everyday and other sources of LGBTQ news.

I don't want everyone to coddle me all the time. But acceptance would be nice. Respect would be nice. And I don't like being TOLD what I am. I don't like people telling me what I'M feeling and doing. And it HAS helped to have a place I can just, I'm confused about my sexuality and have it be okay.

As I said originally, I want to know how not to hate myself anymore and accepting my sexuality is part of that process.

I find that perhaps you would better understand if I threw the shit at you. But I'm not sure you want that. But, as I am working on being okay with it. I am going to do it. Because I don't want to be ashamed of it anymore. And you know what, it doesn't make me less of a person just because this is part of my story. Even if I feel that way sometimes.

So here's the deal. Do not read this if you don't want to know. Do not read this if you're just going to pity me. I don't really know if I am going to like the ramifications of sharing this here in this what, but it's the truth. It's MY truth.

I was physically sexually and emotionally abused by a member of my family that I still have to see on a weekly to bimonthly basis while I am living here. They do not abuse me anymore, but interacting with them is very difficult. I experience symptoms of post traumatic stress. This is what I was in therapy for. That and the fact that the only way I could get the flashbacks to go away was by cutting myself. I haven't cut myself in seven months, if you are wondering. I have been dealing with the symptoms of post traumatic stress, sometimes more successfully than others... I worked on it with a therapist but honestly it took me to a very dark place to talk about these things, and then I got kicked out of my college because I was "traumatizing" everyone with my self harm. Not that I was telling them graphically about it but some people found out, and I had told a couple of friends about it generally, and had reached out that I was struggling. So I tried to finish out the term without having a place to live. But I failed all my classes and so I got kicked out of my university. Now I can't even transfer anywhere because my transcript looks really bad. I had a therapist because it was included in the cost of going to my university and I didn't have to tell my parents about it.

I thought all aspects of my sexuality made me a whore. Sex was always associated with these fucked up things that someone who was supposed to love me in a very nonsexual way had done. So for a while I ignored all sexual feelings. Any thought of sex I told to go away. I really didn't let myself think about sex for a long time. And when I did I felt really bad about it. The first boy I kissed, raped me. But he was really attractive and I wasn't so i didn't think anyone would believe me if I told them. Plus I thought... it was my fault because at that time I wasn't self assured enough to know being used like that was unacceptable. When he discovered my hymen was torn he got mad at me. And he told me I was a whore. And I felt bad because I wasn't even good enough for this piece of shit.

I sort of assumed that I thought about women and men in sexual manner because this is part of being common whore. And then I thought it was some kind of consequence of being abused or... even that I was abused because I was some kind of sexual freak. I know that sounds really ridiculous but it's how I felt and how I still feel sometimes. I did talk to my therapist back in college how I was really uncomfortable with my sexuality --but that's all I said, that's all I really knew. We were more focused on getting the self harm under control and dealing with the symptoms of post traumatic stress as well as the severe self loathing I felt.

So yeah, I'm one of those tragic causes of abused children who can't get over thinking it's their fault. I'm sorry that I didn't do it in a better way. I'm sorry that being attracted to both men and women isn't at the heart of all my problems. It is a contributing factor. But it's not the root for me. My other issues I have been working on for years in other places and in better ways. But somehow here seemed like a good place to work on the sexuality, the attraction to men and women thing, the piece that is hard to admit in a state where there are still laws on the books making homosexual sex illegal. My attraction to women and men... it's hard for me accept, but like other things, I am working on it. That's the best I can do...

elian

Sep 12, 2011, 5:14 PM

You aren't a "whore" for wanting to be loved..period. When an adult person in a position of power and authority abuses a child in their care it is about control, not about love or even sex..abuse..(and that's what it is, because the adult should know better) is about control.

I was "introduced" to sex and "love" when I was seven years old, it was very powerful because up to that point I grew up in a divorced household, in my life men (my mom's boyfriends) could have cared less about me. Here was one man who was intimate with me..what he did to me was no where near as brutal as other stories I have heard but to this day I am still confused about the difference between sex and love - it has taken years to undo the association, but I still love, I still lust and I still feel guilty about it.

It won't be overnight, but it will get better..

Just because you have strong desires doesn't make you any less moral - all humans lust after one thing or another.. I think God is too smart and too compassionate to bear someone to live a life of suffering simply for being born the "wrong" skin color, the "wrong" gender or with a different sexual orientation..those attitudes have more to do with culture and society. ..and frankly as long as the television set is the centerpiece of society I don't have a very high opinion of society in general because many of the things they blast into your living room are contrary to the heart of a compassionate person.

Here is a description of TRUE love..something that I aspire to even though I'm not perfect..

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

keladry

Sep 12, 2011, 5:34 PM

Thanks for sharing and caring.

<3

elian

Sep 12, 2011, 5:52 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f07d9Ss8Va4

keladry

Sep 12, 2011, 11:20 PM

I watched it. While I don't agree with everything she said, I did think she had some good points.

If at first you succeed, try something harder,
something like that

along with: a person is not a failure. there is no you in failure.
I liked that...

that's what I remember from when i watched it earlier anyway :P

giventofly11

Sep 13, 2011, 2:05 AM

Kel, you know I care about you and I am so sorry you've been feeling this way. The least I can do is try to give you some encouragement. This is something I wrote awhile back when I was really in my dark days of depression. I know you mentioned some about religion, and there is religious aspects in here but, take everything with a grain of salt. Here it goes:

You’re stepped on, walked on, kicked to the ground, and then kicked again. It beats you to the very core, until you’re left screaming. Your wounds are bleeding, as you’re crushed even more. The torment rages on. You see red everywhere you look. The light of your world is now covered in sheer darkness. Shadows engulf the vivid colors you could once see. Slowly, painfully, you conform to the wicked. Curling up your limbs, you bow to evil. The sweet deception temporarily fills your calloused heart. Your body caves into the fetal position, as you stop dodging the blows. You let it hurt, and you feed on the pain. “The pain will satisfy your hunger,” the voice whispers in your ear. Bitterly, the hurt continues. All feelings become smoke, as your body submits to the indifference. Listless, it’s slowly killing you inside. Grace is calling your name but you succumb to the dead instead of the living. You are satisfied with the fantastic illusion that death is the easy victory. The voice is louder, and it feels like giving up as you wrap yourself tighter in your selfish desires. You yield to your lust instead of yielding to trust. Suddenly, everything is empty. Relief drains from your soul as you’re left with nothing. Your desolate heart, barely beating, stings each time it pumps blood to your cold body. The temporary is gone; you are left hollow and desolate. “There has to be something more than this,” you desperately think in your abandonment. You cannot find the words to express your hopelessness, your despair. It hurts too much to scream for help, because help cannot save you from yourself.

Something inside of you snaps, and you claw at these dark walls that have surrounded you for so long as you search for an answer that has yet to be found. Isolation finally crumbles as you reach out until your arms can reach no more. But it hurts, oh, it hurts. Your body is so used to being curled up, bracing for the next blow. Your wounds are reopened as you start to stir, start to stand up. Once standing, it’s like stepping on a thousand swords as you are flung back into reality – and the real world hurts like hell. The voices return, “Go back to your simple life of dwelling in the darkness.” The memories pierce your soul, as images of the wicked sweetly fill your mind. How could you think of walking when standing’s torment makes it hard to even breathe? Your knees crumble as you fall to the only position left – prayer.

You scream to your Father, “God, take this anguish away from my body, from my soul! I can’t go on like this; it’s killing me from the inside out! Save me from my own demise, Lord.” Silence. Tears fall down your cheeks as your last resort seems to fail as all of your options inevitably do. You slip to the floor and rest your head on razors as the tears become blood. Your final words, “Lord, you’re watching your daughter die.”

As you close your eyes, your ears recognize a faint, yet familiar voice. You can’t quite make out the words, but it’s comforting. Soothing. The words become clear as the voice becomes louder. You open your ears to hear, “My child… my child…” You open your eyes now, only to be blinded by a brilliant, radiant light. You squint to see as your world becomes vividly real. Colors thrive in a place once concealed in darkness. The voice thunders, “My child. I am the Living God. I am your Father. I hold you in your times of despair, I whisper hope into your ears, fill your heart with love. All you have to do is trust me. Trust my judgment, my child. Your trials and tribulations are all part of my plan to prosper your life, your wonderful, beautiful life that I have given you. Why do you treat life like it is nothing? I have given you everything. The least you can give me is gratitude. Your life is so precious, my daughter. I want to be the One you look to for guidance, not these petty, selfish tactics you use to get your relief! I am the true Healer! My grace cannot enter your soul if you build your walls strongly enough against me. So break down your walls! Let my love fill you up, and satisfy your needs. Let me heal your wounds, let me touch your scars. I am the Almighty God.”

This time, you bow to life. You bow to sincerity, vitality, and hope. You grasp the Almighty’s hand as you rise up from torment. You are awakened from death, into healing arms as you are lifted into glorious light! The pain is gone, your chains dissolve into smoke. You scream praises to your God and this time the relief is real. You run, blindly by faith, yet inspired by the hope that your life has purpose. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that can take your vivacity away for you are made new! The blood stains are washed clean and the swords and razors turn to Living Water that you drink as if you’ve never tasted the breath of life before. You scream praises of joy, for the heartache is all worth it for this moment only. The angels surround you as the trumpets sound.

You are carefully brought back down to Earth and set in a lonely room. There is a girl in the corner, tears stain her eyes. She looks at you with desperation as you open your mouth to share the story of a girl who was once in darkness and chose to bow to life instead of death…

elian

Sep 13, 2011, 5:40 AM

Sorry for dragging a sermon out of the closet (but I needed to hear those words too). Sometimes people think that because they are struggling there is something wrong with them but that's not true. A LIFETIME of experience - both good and bad - make a person; their hopes, their fears, their desires, what they learn along the way, what they share with others. There is nothing wrong with facing adversity, face it with courage, grow your soul because you have a God given right to be here, at least for a time. To cut short your life is to harvest a rose before it can bloom into its full self.

You say that you do not know why we care.. Do you ever wonder why gardeners spend so much time, and put so much hard work into the garden?

We are all on different paths, but we are always, always loved by somebody.

keladry

Sep 13, 2011, 5:56 AM

On a related note...

"You and I have pasts. Families we come from. Things we’ve done. Mistakes we’ve made. And where we’ve been and what we’ve done has shaped us into who we are today. And so we have to embrace our story, our history. You don’t have to be proud of it, but you must claim it because it’s yours" -Rob Bell

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpuOTVMM77I

It's from his nooma called name. It's worth checking out.

thanks for sharing and caring given.

Realist

Sep 13, 2011, 9:20 AM

That certainly hit home with me....I lived the majority of my life trying to mold myself into who others would have me to be.

Finally, much later than it should have happened, I am me. I am loved by a remarkable lady, who accepts me as being me, have a few friends who accept me as being me...............and best of all, I accept me as being me!

Better late than never, but much better if we are true to ourselves when we're young!

keladry

Sep 13, 2011, 1:48 PM

Yeah. I really really like it : ]

elian

Sep 13, 2011, 5:08 PM

It's a very good and powerful message keladry!

The church I worship in has a summer program, these are the words they taught the children to sing THIS summer:

“It’s a blessing we were born,
and it matters what we do,
What we know about God
is a piece of the truth,
Let the beauty we love
be what we do,
And we don’t have to do it alone.”

void()

Nov 21, 2011, 9:38 PM

So yeah, I'm one of those tragic causes of abused children who can't get over thinking it's their fault.

A medium built figure of a man, looking akin to a huge bear stands before you. His arms are wide open, his eyes appear dead, drawing closer a spark of light glistens. He enshrouds you in his arms gently and whispers in soft growling tone.

"Never a child to blame. Grown ups are to blame."

He relaxes and lets you go, steps back.

I never experienced sexual abuse. Got a large dose of physical, mental, spiritual though. It came from a grown up which ought to have been trusted to not abuse.

Once some other members of my mom's family realized, I took vacations away from him. I was taught discipline, although some of it was really strict, harsh. Men still beat me, even a woman or two. But these beatings were not done as abuse, rather a means of instruction. And yes, there's a vast difference between discipline and abuse.

Discipline restrains from my releasing at times great verbal rage here. It confines deep rooted passions, even compassion. Not this time, little one.
I am sorry for the assholes whom caused you such grief, sorry because of believing what goes around comes around. They will pay. No, that isn't a threat nor malicious statement.

It is accepting life for what it is. Many of us have beginnings in tragedy. The real tragedy though is letting it win. We're here if you need to talk, if you need to cry, if you need something to punch. And we'll still be here afterwards. Our desire is for you to not let tragedy win, and you're a grown up now. You're in control. It's alright to let the little kid out once in a while. Just remember, we all got on big girl panties, now. :)

Be at peace, hon.