Being Bi-curious Towards MOTOS

[alexbtn20]

Originally posted by BiBiologist.
A lot of people on the site rate themselves as 4s, and I have seen many posts where people say they are equally attracted to males or females, and it is the person, not the gender, that they are attracted to. I could see that I never felt that way. I am more emotionally attracted to women than men, and through my recent journey of discovery, to make a long story short, gender is important to me, and I should probably be a 5.

Hi everyone, thought I'd write my first post here! I find I relate to this quote quite well. Having just joined this site, I've also noticed that a lot of people rate themselves as 4s (although I've also noticed a lot of 2s and 3s!). However, I find that my desires towards women are not the same as the ones I feel for men. I've also noticed Mimi's post on another thread which explains how some bi people can experience a strong romantic AND sexual attraction towards one gender, whereas with the other gender it is basically a sexual attraction only. I've noticed a fair few people on here (say in long-term relationships or marriages) who are strongly in love with their opposite sex partners and who happen to only have sexual feelings for the same sex (not romantic). So I'm just curious to know which people on here feel the reverse (for example they generally tend to favour long-term romantic relationships with the same sex, but continue to experience sexual urges towards the opposite sex). Although currently single, I can relate to this as I have developed a rather potent bi-curiousity towards women and yet I seem to prefer men romantically.

Alex :)

[Gemini25]

I am one of those people of whom you mentioned. I've been in a same sex relationship for the past 15+ years (We met in highschool). I knew going into it that I was Bi, but I was young, and never acted on it. Through the years my sexuality was supressed, and lost for the longest time. But it wasn't until I became completely unhappy and fed up with everything in my life that I figured out what was wrong and I was able to "Re-Claim" (for a lack of a better term) my Bisexuality and actually be myself, and be happy. :bigrin:
I feel equaly attracted to both men and women and as for the emotional side of it, for ME it depends on the person, not the sex of the person.

:flag2: :bipride:

[Sparks]

Romance for me will always remain towards women. It's where my heart lies. I'm nevertheless a part time homosesexual. I have no conflict with this at all. I love women but enjoy the company of a like minded man as well. :2cents:

[JohnnyV]

I wish I could add more. I have no romantic interest in men. But I do tend to prefer conversations with male friends to conversations with female friends. As one of the guys I'm a little more open, more relaxed, less guarded.

So on the friendship level, other than my wife, my primary attraction is to men.

For romance and sex, my primary attraction is to women.

J

[wanderingrichard]

ummm, ok, pardon my ignorance, but is meant by "MOTOS"?

[alexbtn20]

Members Of The Opposite Sex (MOTOS) :)

[JohnnyV]

Alex,

Oh, now I understand the question! The MOTOS acronym threw me off.

I actually have some life experience to go along with yours. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I was certain I was gay. I felt desire for the opposite sex, but for lots of reasons I second-guessed those feelings and allowed peers to influence me. Because I was a late bloomer and fell into a group of friends who were all gay, everyone expected me to be gay, and at that age I was regrettably too immature to think for myself.

It wasn't until some years later that I was able to break away from the gay scene and I discovered that I wasn't really gay at all; maybe just an "occasional" or "situational" homosexual, which would explain why I couldn't stay in any relationships with men and I found my sex life so unfulfilling. Most of my peers thought it was because I was in denial or had internalized homophobia, but hours and hours of counseling seemed unable to get me to enjoy relationships with men. Once I experienced full relationships with women, I felt like I had found myself.

My case is strange, because I went from being gay to blooming into heterosexuality in my mid-20s. But it was a slow process, and one that I usually can't explain to people. I now consider myself bisexual, "in honor of" the years I spent in the gay scene, but I guess most people would consider me straight.

From time to time I still have thoughts about returning to gay sex. One of those moments was last summer when I joined this website. But usually once I have the gay sex, I find it once again unappealing. I once described it to my gay friend as this: with men I feel like I'm paddling a canoe. It takes effort, the movements feel repetitive, and I feel like I'm just in the wrong place. lol

But anyways, I can relate to your situation where you're "bicurious" in the opposite direction. It is a strange situation in which to find yourself. In my case, the end result was that I am nominally bisexually but practically heterosexual (a "2" on the Kinsey scale). In your case it may mean something different.

The best thing to do is to ignore people's advice and input and listen to yourself. The world is in love with categories, but you as an individual need to be in love with something much more meaningful than a label.

I hope that helps.... I guess I'm a little like you and maybe a little unlike you... I dunno.

J

[alexbtn20]

Thanks for your responses guys! Some interesting ones so far. I find JohnnyV's particularly illuminating, as it has given me some food for thought. At this time in my life (having spent A LOT of time dwelling on this) I would place myself at either 5 or 6 on the Kinsey scale. However, considering that I'm only 20, have never been in a relationship, and have yet to experience falling in love, how can I be sure of this?

The answer is I can't, not really. Like a lot of young people, I'm still unsure and I'm in no rush to label myself as being either definitely Gay or definitely Bi, although I'm adamant that I'm not straight (admittedly this is partly due to finding the prospect of being a straight male somewhat unattractive - but that's probably to do with my issues with gender which I will go into another time!).This isn't because I'm closeted, I'm pretty much out now. I came out to my parents at 18 and to my brother at 19, and all my friends know about my attraction to men (I also have a very close friend the same age who identifies as Bi, though he used to feel very much Gay). And I have also joined the LGBT society at my university. I have spent a huge amount of time trying to figure out which label fits me best (as when certain people ask me if I'm gay, I want to be able to answer them confidently and square on). I think it's important to be honest to people about how I feel, no matter how hard it may be. Yet I've come to the conclusion that the best way to answer that question is to describe my sexuality rather than use a quick label for it, so I tend to say something like: 'Well I'm Questioning at the moment, because although I seem to prefer men both in terms of their physique and their personalities, I have had this sexual curiousity to women these past few years'.

I'm also similar to JohnnyV in that I'm a late bloomer, having had my first sexual encounters (both with males) fairly recently at 20 and so have yet to experience what it is like with a woman. I've also experienced a definite shift in my fantasies over time. When I was 13-15, I tended to only fantasise about performing oral on men (I found the penis such a turn on and still do sometimes) and it was what I really wanted to do in real life too. The thought of going down on a woman used to totally freak me out, it didn't appeal to me in the least! However, once I got to 16/17 things started to change. I still found the idea of performing oral on a woman rather scary but in a thrilling kind of way. And as I've got older, I've become more and more comfortable with the idea and now really want to try it - it is now what I mostly fantasise about! (Though I still very much enjoy watching guy-on-guy porn!). However, I doubt that I'll experience the massive shift in desires that JohnnyV has experienced - right now I can't really imagine being predominantly interested in women rather than men. I still prefer men and I'm quite happy with this (in that I'm more physically attracted to them and find the male personality so much more of a turn on - I'm fond of womens' personalities in a different way). Right now, I can't see my feelings for women being much more than just a physical curiosity that needs to be satisfied. But who knows how things will turn out in the future!

Alex :)

[wanderingrichard]

oh, ok. the light just went for me too. :oh:

lol for a few there i thot we were talking about some type of new cell phone accidently mixed in with another post :confused:

thanx for clearing that up. i see others might not have gotten it either.

[alexbtn20]

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this bi-curiousity towards women seems to have been largely triggered by me watching sex scenes where a man is performing oral on a woman. It's because I have found these scenes exciting that my interest in trying this out in real life has been sparked! Or maybe I just love watching a hot guy go down on a woman, who knows?! :bigrin:

[JohnnyV]

Alex,

I'm glad you're ahead of the game because you're on this website so you know there is something besides gay and straight. When I was your age, identifying as bi put people in a terrible position. Gays mocked and ridiculed you, and straights rejected you as a fag. At least now it seems that there are more options, and young people like you won't be forced into extreme corners the way I was.

J

PS. Yes, eating pussy is awesome. Make sure to try it.

[alexbtn20]

Yeah I've been aware that bisexuality is a possibility for me since my early teens. So I'm very much aware of this 'third option' so to speak! Though I must say I'm surprised that you see being bi-curious towards the opposite sex as a rare experience - I would have thought quite a lot of self-identified Gay guys feel this way (e.g. all the 6s out there!)

P.S. Oh I intend to! :bigrin:

[allbimyself]

Alex,

I don't think it's rare for a self-identified homosexual to feel that way at all. What IS rare is for them to admit and do something about it. One simple reason, politics.

By identifying as bi, a previously identified gay is subject to ridicule from other homosexuals and removal of the large support system that the gay community has developed but which is sadly lacking in the bisexual community.

Just as it's easier for "2's" to suppress their attraction/desire for MOTSS, so it is for "6's" to suppress their attraction/desire for MOTOS.

I think the percentage of gay people that denigrate/persecute bisexuals is even higher than str8 people... just my personal experience there.

[alexbtn20]

I agree that some of these previously identified gay people can experience mockery (I remember reading about how some members of the gay community referred to Tom Robinson as a "turncoat" when he fell in love with a woman). And it may be true that some self-identified gay people will never publicly acknowledge this 'inappropriate' part of their sexuality. However, it's not unusual for a number of these people to act on their bi-curious urges towards MOTOS. Carol Queen wrote a good article on this (I came across it on the 'CHALLENGE: Other terms for bi' thread on this forum) which can be found at:
http://www.black-rose.com/cuiru/archive/2-4/queen.html (http://www.black-rose.com/cuiru/archive/2-4/queen.html)
I think in my generation the situation is much better. In the LGBT society at my uni, there are a fair number of self-identified Bis and there seems to be no tension between them and the society's Gay members). I think this rigid divide between Gay and Bi definitely seems to be weakening, especially now that more and more people are aware of the sexuality-as-a-continuum concept.

Alex :)