Boyfriend going to strip clubs [Archive]

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jackthejock

Nov 9, 2011, 5:54 AM

falcondfw

Nov 9, 2011, 7:13 AM

Jack,
honestly, no matter how you don't want to sound, you really do seem like the controlling, jealous bf type.
As for your "objections" to strip clubs, I suspect your morality comes from the fact that you were never into them.
In my younger life, I loved them. I even had girlfriends who were strippers. It never affected our sex life, except to make it better. they would come home so wound up, they would practically rape me.
Now that i am older, I am not into them. Too cheap. Can't justify paying someone to shake her ass in front of me when i can have a girlfriend who would do a hell of a lot more, and better, for free. Especially someone i truly care for or love.
You have a choice to make. How important is control over your bf? You can either force him to make a choice or bite your tongue. Your choice. Both will affect your relationship. If you bite your tongue, you will always be wondering what happened and you will not have the control. If you force him to stay home, you will risk him telling you to f off.
No one can tell you what to do. It is all what you are comfortable with and what you can get him to do without telling you to kiss off.
My advice: Bite your tongue. What happens in vegas stays in vegas. Tell him it concerns you, but do not try to force him to stay.

Realist

Nov 9, 2011, 9:09 AM

Jack, I agree with Falcon.

If you give your lover an ultimatum, it could turn out one of two ways: He will stay home and resent it, then it may build until there's a rift between you. Or he might go, regardless of your feelings, which may also spell the end of your relationship.

If you have concerns you should tell him, but there's a way to approach different folks and only you know how to do that.

I'm not jealous person and, naturally, I don't know your mind set.......but it may be best to let him to, have fun, and for you to just put the whole event out of your mind.

I know, it's easier said, than done!

Good luck, anyway!

DuckiesDarling

Nov 9, 2011, 9:31 AM

I think with more information from the OP I could make a better reply. You say you have been dating this guy for 9 months. Are you in an exclusive partnership? Do you share a home?

Now those questions being asked, I'd say you knew he was bisexual when you got together. Your situation is no different to a straight woman in a relationship with a bisexual male. You have to trust at some point, if you have an agreement that neither of you goes outside relationship, that's one thing. But to think that just because he spends time with friends at a strip club that he might do something is a negative view.

Give him the trust he needs and allow him to go. You can be tempted by chocolate all day long and able to resist cause it's under lock and key, the real test comes when someone unlocks the cabinet and you only have your own willpower to stop you. Just because he looks it doesn't mean he touches.

tenni

Nov 9, 2011, 9:49 AM

You may object to strippers and Vegas fun for yourself as a participant but you don't have the right to impose your values on to your bisexual lover. What is your lover's opinion about the objectifying of women? I would suspect that this entire "stag" like events are connected to the friend that is getting married. This is what the groom wants or it wouldn't be proposed. If you are asking your lover not to participate and he sees nothing wrong with joining his uni buddies, I think that you will lose him. If however he is not comfortable participating, your view may be just what he needs to back off from participating. It really depends on how close he feels about the groom as a good friend and how important it is for him to get together with his uni friends.

jackthejock

Nov 9, 2011, 2:26 PM

Thanks for your opinions, they're already helping me identify what is bothering me and I came to realize it is this:

My boyfriend is out to his coworkers and friends where we live, comfortable going to gay bars or Pride events, but he is not out to his family back home. I really am OK with that, everybody comes out when they're ready for it and it doesn't really affect me. But in this instance of the bachelor party he is going to be going for a weekend of partying with a group of friends, most of the guys going are single (8 out of 10) and all of them believe he is single. I know from past stories that at least one of the guys slept with a stripper/hooker at a birthday party they had about a year and a half ago and this summer a bunch of these guys went and got "happy ending" massages after the groom's engagement party. While I wouldn't sleep with a hooker, I don't really see any harm in a happy ending massage for a single guy on a stag vacation...but he's not single, just his friends think he is and with booze and peer pressure involved it makes me worry. Under normal circumstances he's really not the type to cheat, but away from home, with friends egging you on and intoxication it doesn't make a good combo.

Michigan_cpl

Nov 9, 2011, 2:27 PM

i agreee with every one. there is alot of real good advise here, i will use some of it in my realationship with my wife.

in witch we are both bi.

tenni

Nov 9, 2011, 2:50 PM

Jack
I would ponder that a good honest reflection about being in a relationship with a bi guy and whether it is different from being in a relationship with a gay guy is in order. The usual talk openingly with him. Let him know your boundaries. I have a buddy who went to Vegas with another guy who had not had sex for awhile. He went with the intent of taking his friend to a chicken ranch to have sex. His wife gave him permission to partake if he wanted to. He did not but it felt good to know that she had given him permission.

Let your lover know what you would like him to do or not do.

mikey3000

Nov 9, 2011, 7:45 PM

If he is out to friends and co-workers, then why don't they know about you? Why do they think he is single?

Emotional Masochist

Nov 9, 2011, 11:44 PM

K i am going to tell you something from the other end of the spectrum. i read your post and well i was at a similar situation with my exon my birthday alst year. The way she dealt with it caused a huge rift between us.

Basically my brother wanting to piss her off told her he was going to get me drunk and take me to a strip bar. And she told him to fuck off and that it didn't matter cause she trusts me. The thing is we have talked about this sort of thing before and she always told me to go, but i didn't. She is super supportive and she has always told me to go do anything i wanted. She never said no. So after getting completely hammered, my brother and my drunk friedns got me did exactly that. The thing is it did bother her, but when she fell apart because of it I didn't know what to do or why it bothered her so much. It was like being given an apple and then getting smacked for taking a bite. We had other issues that added with this and basically broke us up. The real problem was that we didn't talk to eachh other. Didn't understand one another and just ended up hurting each other in the end.

You need to talk to him. Its really the only way to deal with this. MAke sure he understands what you are feeling. He isn't a mind reader. As much as you want him to, he wont know what you are thinking without you talking to him.Be honest and explain your fears. I am sure you guys can work out a way to make it work.

Good Luck

**Peg**

Nov 10, 2011, 1:26 PM

...You need to talk to him. Its really the only way to deal with this. MAke sure he understands what you are feeling. He isn't a mind reader. As much as you want him to, he wont know what you are thinking without you talking to him.Be honest and explain your fears. I am sure you guys can work out a way to make it work. Good Luck

best piece of advice so far, IMO

want2havefun

Nov 10, 2011, 2:23 PM

Jealousy related to strip clubs is an utter waste of time.
Girls in such clubs are interested in only ONE thing....MONEY.

love1234

Nov 11, 2011, 4:00 AM

love1234

Nov 11, 2011, 4:02 AM

Jealousy related to strip clubs is an utter waste of time.
Girls in such clubs are interested in only ONE thing....MONEY.

I have to agree.

jackthejock

Nov 12, 2011, 2:13 AM

You say he is bi male but you don't want him seeing girls?

You want him to be gay.

A bi guy is going to want to date female sooner or later or he is homosexual male and not bisexual at all. imho

I could give up guys for girl but never give up females for male. Maybe its just me but if your sleeping with just male (males) you are homosexual not bi.

Now if you can't get or find a female and want one and sleep with male (males) you are bi. imho

I don't think bisexual men are incapable of being in a monogamous relationship with another man. If somebody is bisexual and then gets married and is only with one person for the rest of their life they don't stop being a bisexual.

Long Duck Dong

Nov 12, 2011, 4:49 AM

jack, you have a good head on ya shoulders.......and your concerns are valid..... but you left something out....

your partners own feelings and thoughts about things.....

I see this a lot with people, and their talk about issues and concerns about friends and other people, etc etc.... and I often think, ok, what is your partner saying to you about things, what are their stances.... and often, the people have no idea cos they never really talked about it.....

do not knock yourself over this as its surprising the number of people that have talked with their partners and still have no idea how their partners would act and react in different situations as its easier to talk about hypo~ situations then when confronted with a real one, they are lost.....

its got a lot to do with the fact its easier to talk about being in situations, cos both partners can see things from the outside, than talking about situations while they are involved and in the midsts.....

as for the objectification of women at strip clubs, jack..... some females do enjoy that, it can be a exhibitionism thing, a enjoyment of the power over males etc etc, a whole range of things, tho there is also the neg side like females having to do it for a living when they would perfer to be doing other things with their clothes on....

if you get the chance, talk with some strippers.... I had a mate and his partner that emailed some strippers and talked with them in advance for his stag night, so that way him and his partner had their minds eased.......
so yeah, talk with some strippers if you get the chance and learn first hand about their view points......

it doesn't come across to me that you are trying to be controlling, just trying to compromise between your own opinions and stances, and the reality of your partner being in a situation that conflicts with your opinions and stances....

BiDaveDtown

Nov 12, 2011, 1:33 PM

Let him go, his friend is getting married and he's invited to the bachelor party and wedding.

It does sound as though you're making a huge deal out of this when if you're monogamous with this guy there's nothing to worry about.

It does however sound as though you're jealous that he's going to be around female strippers and yes you do sound like you're trying to control him.

If you want to ruin your relationship with this guy keep getting jealous, nag him, and tell him how he can't go. Do you have trust issues or something?

tenni

Nov 12, 2011, 1:39 PM

I don't think bisexual men are incapable of being in a monogamous relationship with another man. If somebody is bisexual and then gets married and is only with one person for the rest of their life they don't stop being a bisexual.

That is true. The real issue for most bisexual men on this site is whether that is the best solution to being a bisexual man. I don't think that it is but a partner of a bisexual man should also discuss this matter with the bisexual with a more open mind than the general society perceives bisexuals.

jackthejock

Nov 13, 2011, 3:00 PM

I see this a lot with people, and their talk about issues and concerns about friends and other people, etc etc.... and I often think, ok, what is your partner saying to you about things, what are their stances.... and often, the people have no idea cos they never really talked about it.....

if you get the chance, talk with some strippers.... I had a mate and his partner that emailed some strippers and talked with them in advance for his stag night, so that way him and his partner had their minds eased.......
so yeah, talk with some strippers if you get the chance and learn first hand about their view points......

Thanks Long Duck Dong, you're post was really helpful.

I think I was focusing too much on the whole strip club aspect of it when really I'm just upset that he's going out of town with friend's I haven't met and who don't know I exist. And that's what I'm going to focus on when I talk to him. Because when I think about it if he were going with friends from here that know he's in a relationship it really wouldn't bother me at all. My straight guy friends behave very differently towards one another when they go out based on their relationship status. They'll encourage one another to hook up if their single and talk eachother out of it if they're not.

dafydd

Nov 13, 2011, 7:49 PM

So, I'm a gay guy who has been dating a bisexual guy for nine months. In a few weeks one of his old college buddies is getting married and they are planning a big bachelor party in vegas, staying in a hotel, going to casinos and strip clubs as well as having strippers in the hotel room.

I guess I just don't feel very comfortable with the whole thing. I don't want to seem like I'm controlling or worse like the nagging "wife" from some bad sitcom, but it still kinda bugs me. I never really had friends gay, straight or bi, that were into the whole stripper thing. And while I don't want to deny him the bonding opportunity to spend time with his friends, I also sort of morally oppose the objectification of women that goes on at strip clubs.

Thoughts?

hey there,
are your moral objections to the objectification of women your only concern? u don't mind him getting a lap dance though if that wasn't an issue?

most partners i know object to strip clubs not because of the moral aspect but in terms of not wanting their partner to have that experience. all of those i know let them go anyway, but sometimes their guy just sat at the bar and objectified their overpriced drinks whilst the bachelor and single guys got frisky.
i hate those places. i feel the one being objectified for my wallet.
d

dafydd

Nov 13, 2011, 7:52 PM

So, I'm a gay guy who has been dating a bisexual guy for nine months. In a few weeks one of his old college buddies is getting married and they are planning a big bachelor party in vegas, staying in a hotel, going to casinos and strip clubs as well as having strippers in the hotel room.

I guess I just don't feel very comfortable with the whole thing. I don't want to seem like I'm controlling or worse like the nagging "wife" from some bad sitcom, but it still kinda bugs me. I never really had friends gay, straight or bi, that were into the whole stripper thing. And while I don't want to deny him the bonding opportunity to spend time with his friends, I also sort of morally oppose the objectification of women that goes on at strip clubs.

Thoughts?

hey there,
are your moral objections to the objectification of women your only concern? u don't mind him getting a lap dance though if that wasn't an issue? what if he was invited to a gay strip club? different, or worse?

most partners i know who have objected to their partners going in this situation do so not because of the moral aspect but in terms of not wanting their partner to have a lap dance by another woman. all of those i know let them go anyway, but sometimes their guy just sat at the bar and objectified their overpriced drinks whilst the bachelor and single guys got frisky.
i hate those places. i feel the one being objectified for my wallet. they're a rip off.

d