What if you didn't...

[Wanabee]

What if you didn't make that decision that led you to be what you are today?
Let's hear & share your story here.


And here is mine, my live as it is first and later the "what if..." part.


In the mid 70's I was a 15 years old boy with slim curvy body weighing in at about 120lbs and at 5'-4" tall. I don't have a lot of friends because I was too girly for them (the straight guys) and it's embarrassing for them to have girly friend. The few friends that I did have were either girly too, gay/bi and TG. Also at this age, I 1st experienced sex both pussy and cock and I preferred cock!
Then in 1978 my parents sent me to Canada for further study and I thought western countries have more freedom to express ourselves, but boy was I wrong! I was surprised that most Canadian back then was even less tolerant especially towards gays & bi. However, in general they don't usually pick on TG/TS and transvestite. Maybe it's because they aren't sure if we are a male or a female. And if they do finds out they either avoid us totally or they want something from us, usually sex. So for almost 5 years in Canada I lived my life as a female and not many people knew about it and I have a lot of fun, sad moments and wonderful experiences.
Unfortunately in 1983, just 6 months before my graduation, my dad pass away and I had to come home. When I 1st arrived at my dad's funeral everyone there were shocked to see me as a girl! My uncle was very upset and right after the funeral, him, my sister and my mom started to "re-program" me to be a straight guy. And the 1st thing they did was - made me the boss of my dad's construction company. I don't have the guts to say no and to save the argument I accepted it and let them have their way. By the time I was 29, I was finally "man" enough and they quickly made an arranged marriage and I was married - wow! Easier said then done! (But that's another story...)
Today I'm retired, divorced, have 3 kids (all hates me!) and have been a "straight" guy for the last 35 years. I'm obese, weighing in at about 250lbs, my skin is rough and complete with high blood pressure and diabetes - so I'm very "manly" now. Thanks to all those years of drinking, smoking, big contractor dinners, stress and working under the sun. Well, my kids took over the company now and I have all the time to relax, no wife nagging me, no partner to screw and wait just for my dividend at the end of the year. But I often wonders now, What if I didn't accept my uncle's and my family argument? What if I just ran away then and be what I wanted...

And I wanted to be a girl! I wanted to have sex change on few occasions and almost went for breast implant once.
But I know that will never happen because I didn't have the money and no one in my family will ever finance it! So if I were to ran away, I'll most probably end up in Canada where I've already established a lot of friends and contacts. And if I did that I'll most likely be dead or dying by now. Why? Well, let me explain something here.
From my 1st sexual experience (including anal sex) at age of 15 until the last fuck I had with my wife, which was donkey years ago, I never use a condom! When I was in Canada we were doing pure bareback creampie and gangbang and on few occasions my ass and colon were so sore and bleeding blood and couldn't shit for few days. Back then we were so ignorant that we thought that disease could only came from vagina and since we are basically male and we don't get pregnant and whatever inside the colon will eventually be shited out so why bother with condom! We don't know about HIV and aids, never heard of it, I personally never heard of it until 1986 and didn't understand about it until 1988!
Further more, just few months before my dad unfortunate departure, I was contacted by a mama who runs a prostitute ring and asked if I was interested in providing sex services for some rich people, and I was very tempted by their pay. I wanted the money to pay for breast implant. They called us FOD, friend of Dorothy, I don't know why and never bothered.
So, I would think if I do reject my uncle and family and ran to Canada, I'm sure I would join the FOD syndicate and continue doing sex without protection and might have died or dying from aids by now. I sure I'll have breast implant and maybe even have a sex change.


But I didn't. I'm what I'm today. So I guest I will never know, just thought and thankful that I got away clean.


Cheers,

[fredtyg]

I almost feel the same way about the situation in my younger days. You're just a few years younger than I am.

Back in the mid 70s to early 80s was when I had a lot of my man to man sex. That was from age 18 until maybe 24. Back then it wasn't as accepted to be homosexual and I kept telling myself I wasn't, but once I'd had a few beers in me the homo usually came out and I'd go guy hunting. The next day I'd usually be embarrassed about what I'd done and scared to death others that knew me might find out about what I'd done.

It was always bareback back then as that was before AIDS had been discovered. In my bolder moments I'd get the courage to go down to the local steam baths. That was widely known as a homo hangout. I had some sex there but not as much as I'd wished as I was normally scared to death to be seen there.

I only went to the steam baths a handful of times but one thing I always wanted to do there was pull a (bareback) train with every guy in the common steam room. I really wanted to do that but was too scared to pursue it except for one time I mustered up the courage to go down there during daytime only to find there were only two people in the whole place. Oh well.

So one of the biggest regrets in my life is not being comfortable enough with my homosexuality back in those days to pursue more men. Think of the memories I'd have if I'd made those steam baths a regular part of my life. At the same time, I realize that my fear of being discovered as a queer might have saved my life.

The things I wanted to do, like being barebacked by a whole roomful of strangers might have done me in. AIDS made the news shortly after I gave up on the steam baths. At least one guy I had sex with there ended up with it and the steam baths shut down within a week of it being realized such places were where the disease was coming from. I was scared to death I might have it for a while, only to find out a few years later I was clean.

If I'd been a more open homosexual back then and spent more time at the baths doing what I really wanted to do, I might well have ended up with AIDS, too.

[void()]

I made a decision to listen to someone considered a friend. They had a scheme to open an internet cafe and computer business. Another friend had mentioned a lucrative exercise involving apprenticeship for a trade.

Both opportunities appeared to have limited time windows. Only one was a valid opportunity. The other turned out to be nothing. I allowed myself to believe the nothing could be something.

I try not dwelling upon might have been too much. Anything could have been. It could have been worse or better. Am told I can say no more about this.

[Wanabee]

...So one of the biggest regrets in my life is not being comfortable enough with my homosexuality back in those days to pursue more men...

...I was scared to death I might have it for a while, only to find out a few years later I was clean...

Yes, i think most of us have some regrets. My regrets is not taking additional steps to be more feminine while I was still beautiful and young. I joint a group of Thai/Japanese and they have a gorgeous Thai TG that have natural breast. Every time we had sex (totaled 7 of us) I wish that I have her(his) body... But... That's history now.

I know what you mean about the scares, I was in the same boat as you. In 1990 I finally have the guts to get myself tested. And it is the wait for the results that cause the most sleepless night. Back then it took so long for the result, like 3 months! And when the result came, I could hardly breathe! When the doc said "negative"... I cried in joy!

[Wanabee]

void_dweller - "...to believe the nothing could be something..." that sounds like Magic! Hahaha lol!

[void()]

I am told it is okay to say, or bull manure. The person offering the opportunity was as is said, writing checks his posterior could not cash. And that is all I may venture here. Suffice it to say, lot harder to trust.

[Long Duck Dong]

if I had handed over the car keys when I was 16..... my life would have been so different......

my mistake was driving drunk with my partner and friends in the car...... exactly what happened, I am not really sure, I have seen the police reports and to this day, nobody has been able to work out what happened on that road.... and I have never been charged with a offence cos nobody can prove what happened, despite my own statement to the police that I was drinking and driving.....

I lost my friends and my partner that night, spent 6 weeks in a coma and a very long time recovering from my injuries.... and years trying to deal with my guilt and self hatred.... and the fact that people forgave me ......

during my time in the hospital, I watched pain and suffering on levels that blew my mind.... and it was more than pain from illness and sickness... it was mental and emotional pain and suffering.... from the child with cancer, to the elderly man that has no family, no wife and no will to live on, but kept alive with drugs and meds...... from the mother with terminal cancer at a young age, to the woman that had a history of self harm ( why she did that, was later to end up in a court case )... so many names and faces and private hells.....

I do not know what would have happened in my life, had that night not happened... my life, my world may have been so different and I may have been a totally different person to whom I am now....... but then again I may have not lived this long either.... only the fates know the destinies that were never mine to follow....... but I do know one thing.... that I have met so many incredible people in my life since that night... and their value and input in my life has been immeasurable..... and without that night, those people may have never met me and heard me say thank you to them for all their support, help, advice and love.........

all cos I wanted to drive my car when my GF was a sober driver and I wasn't

[Realist]

WHAT IFs......I've more wrong turns than was my share. Married 3 times; twice to women I didn't love. Lied, cheated on one wife, that bothers me, still. Trying to please others when I wasn't happy myself. Tried to deny, even to myself and others, that I was bisexual. Lost a fortune because I didn't see the signs that were so obvious. Deciding to be with partners who were not good for me, while avoiding those who were. Missed relationships that would have fulfilled me, rather than took me down. Yes, I've certainly taken many wrong turns in my life.

Regardless, I've had many rewarding adventures, as well as fun and love.....true love, sensual love, lasting love. I've always had good jobs and lived within my means. There's been a few lovers of both genders who have made it all worth while. Even today, when most would think I should be on the last legs of my life, I love and am loved by, the most remarkable bisexual lady.

My lessons came late in life, but I'm at peace, happy, and satisfied that I'm in the best place of my life, now.

[Gearbox]

The only decision I made sexually, was to go with the tide. Not to resist, and to go along with things despite not being what I was supposed to be.
At 10 it was perfectly natural to have sex with m&f friends. At 12, it was supposed to be wrong. So for 3 decades I went with the flow.
Not that it was terrible! I enjoyed myself quite a lot with just women. It wasn't the whole 'me' but I was happy enough. The craving for m-m sex never went away. I was also emotionally attracted to some too. But I didn't have the nerve to go against the tide.
Then nearing 40 I left the worse partner I ever had, turned celibate and resigned myself to be just a dad. No more relationships, no more sex, no more crap I didn't deserve. That's the first real sexual decision that involved guts I ever made.:)

The 2nd one crept up slowly during 4 years of celibacy. I decided to explore the other sexual side of me. It was like being a virgin again.lol And I'm still catching up and making mistakes, but I'm used to that.:bigrin:

I have no idea where I'd be now if I decided to NOT go along with the tide at 12. I don't care though, because I'd hate to think that any change could have prevented my little girl being in my life. Fuck the regrets!:)

[tenni]

When I was 16 years, I did something and changed my mind. If I had not done that I would more than not be dead since that year. I don't regret what I did. Every once in awhile I remind myself of things that I've experienced since 16. It generally makes me feel happy to have lived longer even the errors that followed that year.

When I was considerably older, I did something and that caused a disability that I must live with for the rest of my life. I lost my ability to walk for awhile. I know what it is like not to be able to get your legs to move when you want them to and to feel nothing in your legs. One day, I may not be able to walk (again) due to that one sudden foolish gesture. Intellectually, I am prepared that I may be in a wheelchair one day. Emotionally, I don't think that I am prepared at all. (why should I or how can you prepare)

I do not really regret anything that I have done. The mistakes are there and in the past. Its better (for me) to look at things that I can not change as a learning experience. Of course, there have been moments when I really regretted what I did. Fortunately, I have been able to move on.

[innaminka]

What if I hadn't gone on that corporate "bonding" junket?
What if I hadn't decided to stay the extra night so I would arrive home fresh.
What if I hadn't decided to share the expense of the motel room that night with Maria???????

What if my auntie shaved??? She's be my uncle...

My sexuality was, at that time - starting to emerge from a decade of sublimation to peer pressure, marriage breakdown/divorce and remarriage and baby-making.

I am sure that if I hadn't taken those steps I described above, my (true??) sexuality would have emerged in another way, with another woman pretty soon after.

It just so happened that "discovery" happened the way it did.

Ergo, I don't think not doing it the way I did would have changed much. Except Maria was a beautiful woman whom I feel privileged to have known both as a (temporary) friend and (almost - 90%) in the biblical way.

[Wanabee]

Thanks for sharing your story. Felt sorry to those who have bad things happened to them.
As far as society tolerance towards guys/bi and tranny are concerned, very little have change since then, just a little bit better.

Thanks for sharing..