My Parents and Gays

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

My parents have always been anti-gay and i am so sick of their comments about them. Some range from "Shoot all gay people" to "God they are digusting!" I,on the other hand is totally opposite. My parents dont know im gay and they dont know im dating my best friend,boy if they did know...hell would break loose. My parents think im gay from all the comments I make about supporting them. They thought I was gay when I wanted to see Brokeback mountain and they thought I was gay with my best friend which really made me upset. My girlfriend has been through this with me all the way and is sick of my parents saying such things. Just today,a few minutes ago I told my mom I was going to go out to chill with a few my friends and my gf of course and my moms question was "how come you dont have a boyfriend?" and I turned around and said "I dont have one because it doesnt interest me right now" and she responded "why not?" which then led me to say "because I want to concentrate on school rather than on boyfriends" and with that I walked off to have a shower. I am not sure if anyone on here is in the same boat as me,if they are I hope you feel my pain. That is all I have to say. Enjoy the night,I know I will.
Livvy

[arana]

((((Livvy)))), I'm so sorry your parents have made you're coming out to them so hard. Unfortunately you aren't in the same boat. It's too bad parents don't think of the impact their words have when they say such hateful things.

Good luck to you Liv and have a great weekend!

[Mrs.F]

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with that. It only makes things so much harder for you and even more frustrating! :( I do not understand why people have to look at things in such a negative way. I know many will say it's because they just don't understand it and really, they don't, but they choose to not understand it and choose to think it's just wrong. I am straight but have never, EVER thought one bad thought about gay's/lesbian's or bisexual's. I have had thoughts that I'm glad I am straight so I didn't have to live my life waiting for people's approval. Telling them and waiting to see if it was OK for me to stay their friend or move on. Tell my family and see if I was still part of the family. But this world is full of ignorant people no matter what the topic of discussion and there is nothing it seems we can do about it. :mad: :banghead:

Your parents need not be so worried about you having a boyfriend or what movie your seeing and just worry if your happy or not. I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

[ScifiBiJen]

I really know how you feel. I've had discussions with my father about gays which include him saying "I think there's really something wrong with them". So hell if I feel safe telling him that I'm bi anytime before I'm 100% financially independent. He has probably picked up some hints that I may be different, especially a Safe Space placard I had on my dorm door last year (states that the area is safe from any racial, ethnic, sexism, or sexual orientation discrimination) and he knows my liberal views in regards to sexual orientation. But yeah, that's as much as he can know for now.

Sucks, but it's probably better in the long run.

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

Wow thank you for your kind words. I dont know why my parents have to be focused on W H Y i dont have a bf. So what that I dont? i am still happy knowing that I have a gf who loves me so much and the fact they dont know makes me happier because if they did know and all i did talk about was her I would feel the tension. Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts.

Livvy

[Azrael]

First of all, I'm sorry for the reality you find yourself stuck in. My parents divorced when I was like 2. My mom is beginning to understand my bisexuality, but it's taken lots of nerve wracking discussion to reach this point of awareness. Part of what makes it difficult to understand is that I'm wanting male companionship at this point, after I almost married a woman. I've basically tried to lay out to her my simple ethos (despite me coming to realize I may be a slightly more gay leaning bisexual) of loving people and not genders. She's actually being very supportive, she's just kind of old-school in her mentality, but she's making leaps and bounds. My Father is a completely different matter. He thinks I'm 100% Straight. He's a former combat medic Catholic hardline republican. I remember one day when I was 16 or so (the tears well up remembering this :( ) he was in the kitchen reading the Washington post, which he threw on the table with disgust and stormed out. I said, "What's the matter, Dad?". He yelled out "Just the war between the normal people and the faggots". Out of respect for my Father I swallowed every ounce of outrage and hurt this stirred within me. I have so much respect for the man my Father is, but not how he views the world. I'll probably never tell him. He and I didn't even really start bonding until I was a young adult and now that I have his respect I can't imagine what losing it would do to me. Yet I'm agonized by the thought of him dying without knowing who his first son who carries his name really is. I'm constantly haunted by these thoughts. At least I have my Mom. That's all. I had a focal point I was driving at there but this is just too damn upsetting for me to go on.

Respectfully,
Tom :flag2:

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

First of all, I'm sorry for the reality you find yourself stuck in. My parents divorced when I was like 2. My mom is beginning to understand my bisexuality, but it's taken lots of nerve wracking discussion to reach this point of awareness. Part of what makes it difficult to understand is that I'm wanting male companionship at this point, after I almost married a woman. I've basically tried to lay out to her my simple ethos (despite me coming to realize I may be a slightly more gay leaning bisexual) of loving people and not genders. She's actually being very supportive, she's just kind of old-school in her mentality, but she's making leaps and bounds. My Father is a completely different matter. He thinks I'm 100% Straight. He's a former combat medic Catholic hardline republican. I remember one day when I was 16 or so (the tears well up remembering this :( ) he was in the kitchen reading the Washington post, which he threw on the table with disgust and stormed out. I said, "What's the matter, Dad?". He yelled out "Just the war between the normal people and the faggots". Out of respect for my Father I swallowed every ounce of outrage and hurt this stirred within me. I have so much respect for the man my Father is, but not how he views the world. I'll probably never tell him. He and I didn't even really start bonding until I was a young adult and now that I have his respect I can't imagine what losing it would do to me. Yet I'm agonized by the thought of him dying without knowing who his first son who carries his name really is. I'm constantly haunted by these thoughts. At least I have my Mom. That's all. I had a focal point I was driving at there but this is just too damn upsetting for me to go on.

Respectfully,
Tom :flag2:
Wow that was amazing. My dad says the same coments as your dad says and its heartbreaking for me to have this lie buried in my soul and seeing the look in their eyes because i am not telling them is eating away at me but it would be hard to explain it to them.

[Azrael]

Wow that was amazing. My dad says the same coments as your dad says and its heartbreaking for me to have this lie buried in my soul and seeing the look in their eyes because i am not telling them is eating away at me but it would be hard to explain it to them.

Pretty much where I'm at. The really lousy part relates to my uncle on my mom's side, who is basically a Father figure to me. Did all the male bonding stuff with me that my dad wasn't around for. I came out to him as my relationship with my fiancee was ending. He was supportive at the time. Then I was in a mental institution for six weeks because I'm bipolar and had a nervous breakdown. He came to visit me and brought me a self help book that emphasized "traditional values". He said, "Really Tom, it's not natural". At that point I felt as if the knife was just being twisted. What the hell happened to unconditional love? I do, however have my Aunt on my Father's side, who's been an angel about all this. She asked me "Why were you so afraid to tell me this?", to which I replied,"Well, um, because you're Catholic". She replied, "No, I'm your Aunt". I'm just glad to have what familial support that I do, including my older Sister, because most of my family is completely in the fucking dark. Love the ones who support you being yourself, still love and try to understand the ones who don't. That being said, don't let anyone, family or otherwise destroy your sense of self worth. Easier said than done. Therein lies the challenge I'm currently wrestling with. I'm starting to get involved with a really nice guy who's six years my senior. I simply can't wait to have half or more of the family referring to Tom and his "friend". It's a constant struggle for dignity, bottom line. I really hope things improve for you. People like us make our own families when our own rejects us or refuses to grow. Welcome to this one.

[Long Duck Dong]

i can relate to a lot of the posts in this thread

my mother is a christian, my step father is a biased racist, and my father is a negative view man... between them, they dislike anything that moves

it came to pass one day that me and my mother were having one of our normal disagreements.... it actually started over my wiccan beliefs, and how in her eyes, my life is not perfect cos i am not a christian and following god.... never mind the fact that my life is brillant for me....

she mentioned the gay marriage bill ( in new zealand it was actually the civil union bill allowing a state of marriage for all people, straight, LGBT )..and I replied that its not the fk'ing gay mariage bill at all....and that gays pay taxes. and work along beside us as normal living humans.... she started her normal rave about how gays are immoral, disgusting and dirty cos of how they have sex.... and I promptly replied, just how do gays have sex ??? .. she replied about anal sex... to which my remark was... and the celibate and platonic ones ????....she replied with sodomy is against god..... and I replied... so is living out of wedlock and fornication....but hey mum... you are living with my step father out of wedlock since you are both divorced and you both seperated from each other for a number of years then returned to each other.... and I am pretty damm sure that god never said that was ok for you to do that...then condemm gays on the grounds that they may be having anal sex....now mother dearest.... god also said it is not good for man to live alone.... so all the priests that are celibate and unmarried are wrong....and since god wishs that PEOPLE are joined as one... then denying GODS children the one thing he wished for them, makes you a hypocritical christian, since you are not married and living with a man....by the way mother.... did god tell his priests it was ok to molest children, yet not marry ???

my mother hates me for pointing out the bs in her life and normally she can only counter with the remark that no christian is prefect.... lol... and i accept that.... no christian is prefect.... nor is any law in the land and nor is life..... but we all have to live it... and denying somebody the same rights that we are allowed, is in the same boat as slavery

[Amishmafia]

People like us make our own families when our own rejects us or refuses to grow. Welcome to this one.

Brilliant my friend. I love it.



My family dealt with my coming out a bit differently. I went to my mother, which seemed the safest thing to do for a number of reasons. 1. She has an openly lesbian sister, 2. My father was one of those making the fag jokes, fag this, gay that, and 3. Shes my mother, she has to help. Well, I was wrong.

My mother took this news devistatingly. Not outwordly at first but it became apparent. The night I told her, (I was fairly young, very early teens) we sat in the living room while my father was taking care of a few chores in the garage. She cried and so ofcourse we cried. I went to bed when I heard the door open downstairs. I was deathly afraid of my fathers reaction. Twenty minutes went by and my father came into my room. He sat there on my bed and told me everything was fine. Mom had told him and he said he would love me no matter what. He appologized for the gay jokes and basically said he would make a concerted effort to quit that. I couldnt believe he was supporting me in this.

My parents divorced a few years later, having nothing to do with my being gay/bisexual. (at that point I really didnt know or consider bisexuality).

My father remarried a few years ago, and told my step mother of my sexuality, which we hadnt discussed in years and which I had no problem with. (I wasnt out at the time due to my job and the many uncertain emotions I contained at that point in my life) She looked at it as a phase that I would grow out of. Well, they will be surprised when I tell them this phase will last, oh, the rest of my life.

As for my birth mother. We didnt speak for near six years up to last december. We spoke for a while, and it drifted off again. At that point I was dating a woman and she was very happy.

This is my bit of story. I appreciate you guys and I am so sorry that anyone has had to bear your burden.

I pray you all find only happiness in your lives.

Regards

- Robillard

[glantern954]

It is possible that your parent's negative view of non-straights is intentionally or maybe even subcobsciously being magnified toward you.

From what you have described, they suspect you are not straight. They may be thinking that if they instill in you that being "that way" is bad you will not choose that lifestyle.

Is this acceptable behavior? No. But it is understandable why a parent would resort to these tactics. Next time they are talking that way, maybe ask why they think the way they do. You may not like what you hear, but you might get a better idea of where they are coming from.

[Mrs.F]

i can relate to a lot of the posts in this thread

my mother is a christian, my step father is a biased racist, and my father is a negative view man... between them, they dislike anything that moves

it came to pass one day that me and my mother were having one of our normal disagreements.... it actually started over my wiccan beliefs, and how in her eyes, my life is not perfect cos i am not a christian and following god.... never mind the fact that my life is brillant for me....

she mentioned the gay marriage bill ( in new zealand it was actually the civil union bill allowing a state of marriage for all people, straight, LGBT )..and I replied that its not the fk'ing gay mariage bill at all....and that gays pay taxes. and work along beside us as normal living humans.... she started her normal rave about how gays are immoral, disgusting and dirty cos of how they have sex.... and I promptly replied, just how do gays have sex ??? .. she replied about anal sex... to which my remark was... and the celibate and platonic ones ????....she replied with sodomy is against god..... and I replied... so is living out of wedlock and fornication....but hey mum... you are living with my step father out of wedlock since you are both divorced and you both seperated from each other for a number of years then returned to each other.... and I am pretty damm sure that god never said that was ok for you to do that...then condemm gays on the grounds that they may be having anal sex....now mother dearest.... god also said it is not good for man to live alone.... so all the priests that are celibate and unmarried are wrong....and since god wishs that PEOPLE are joined as one... then denying GODS children the one thing he wished for them, makes you a hypocritical christian, since you are not married and living with a man....by the way mother.... did god tell his priests it was ok to molest children, yet not marry ???

my mother hates me for pointing out the bs in her life and normally she can only counter with the remark that no christian is prefect.... lol... and i accept that.... no christian is prefect.... nor is any law in the land and nor is life..... but we all have to live it... and denying somebody the same rights that we are allowed, is in the same boat as slavery

OH, that is so good!!!!! :)

[Nara_lovely]

My friends all knew I was bi...for a long time. But my family (two preachers as brothers) made me a very odd-one-out. Recently and finally made my Bi lifestyle very clear to them....I'm still stunned at the response. My Mum had always thought, that I needed a wife more than a husband. WOW!!
Extended family of Uncles, Aunts and cousins have all been incredibly supportive too.

So take heart...sometimes the 'anti' can change. Be yourself sweetie!!!!!

[Azrael]

Hell yes. I saw a great cartoon in the St. Pete Times that this reminds me of. Some huge pissy Republican is unloading his frustrations on a tiny caricature of the 'President'. He says something like, "You screw up everything you touch! The Iraq War, Social Security, Immigration, Taxes etc. And we, your loyal conservative base feel lonely and *sob* abandoned!" at which point curious george says "Hey look! Homosexuals sneaking off to get married! We need a constitutional amendment to ban them!". Huge republican caricature says "Hey, you're right!". :bigrin:

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

It is possible that your parent's negative view of non-straights is intentionally or maybe even subcobsciously being magnified toward you.

From what you have described, they suspect you are not straight. They may be thinking that if they instill in you that being "that way" is bad you will not choose that lifestyle.

Is this acceptable behavior? No. But it is understandable why a parent would resort to these tactics. Next time they are talking that way, maybe ask why they think the way they do. You may not like what you hear, but you might get a better idea of where they are coming from.
They think this way because they believe in the bible which all of you know is ADAM and EVE not ADAM and STEVE. So I think that might have something to do with it.

I never knew there were this many people with similar problems like mine. I respect each and every one of your problems,it amazes me that the world we live in and how far we have changed from our parents time to our generation where everything is more lenient. Well I guess we will have to live with it.

[ScifiBiJen]

They think this way because they believe in the bible which all of you know is ADAM and EVE not ADAM and STEVE. So I think that might have something to do with it.

I never knew there were this many people with similar problems like mine. I respect each and every one of your problems,it amazes me that the world we live in and how far we have changed from our parents time to our generation where everything is more lenient. Well I guess we will have to live with it.

Let me just say, I have a special feeling of contempt for whoever came up with that "not Adam and Steve" line.

In terms of "we will just have to live with it", yeah I guess so... until you get into starting to come out to parents or anyone of that generation's mentality and getting some kind of acceptance from them. In some, if not most, of our cases ("our" being those of us in this thread with parents making rather homophobia comments), coming out might not be the best plan... if that means trying first to change their minds or the subject, waiting til the consequences won't be so bad and you can support yourself, or may not at all. I can't tell anyone what the best plan is ... and I'm rather pessimistic on the subject so I'm not the best person to ask anyway. But my point is: I also have a lot of respect for those of us who are able to carry on while being in not the most forgiving and accepting situations.

[jamiehue]

oh,just wonderin if any one else is in the same prediciment as myself that is having come out as a gay man years ago to my parents friends yet now feel (know that im am bi) like im living in a closet all over again.My parents would be really confused ..i know that the gay "thing " was just a stage in my life they would say and how happy they are to "have found myself" Thanks to all on this site for the support and fellowship its a oasis between the str and gay worlds i live in . jamie :flag1:

[Azrael]

I think I get what you mean. I myself thought I was Gay for some time as a teenager, then thought it was just a phase or something (which my family largely contributed to the idea of) after a boyfriend or two. Then I was with girls only for 2 years and thought I must be straight. Then after being with a bi woman for a year or so, I stopped repressing my boy-hungry tendencies and came to realize that it's a fuckin' toss up and I don't have to choose. I think based on my experiences I prefer being with men, but only by a slight margin. I love my family, as I'm sure you do. Don't, however be surprised if they just flat out don't get it. Answer to yourself and your needs first. I haven't been agonizing over this subject lately, really :tong:

[PeterH]

Hi everybody,

I can really relate to how hard it is to tell one's family. I did this year and it was soo difficult. Fortunately most of them accepted it rather well.

I would also like to share something that people might use as a strategy to discuss anti gay/bi sentiments.
I have a good friend who is gay and an uncle and aunt who are very religious and also rather anti-gay
When they gave some anti-gay sentiments a bit too often for my liking, I told them that I had a very good friend who is gay, and I feel that every time they are attacking gays, they are also atacking my friend, which hurts me too.
I also explained how difficult life can be for gays quoted some research that said that gays really are biologically different and some bible quotes that seemed relevant (don't judge so that you shall not be judged yourself).
I think they did get the message in the end. I did try to be respectful the whole time, but did not waver in my opinion that it was wrong of them to judge, since that kind judging hurts many people (e.g. my friend).
I thought this might be of use to some people, as it allows one to discuss these issues without it becoming too personal. At the same time, i must mention that when I had this conversation, I was not aware that i was bi, so that might have changed things a bit.

Anyway, I wish everybody the very best with trying to live with unaccepting family members.
Love,

Peter H

[Avocado]

They should be banged up for glorifying terrorism.

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

I want to thank everyone for everyones advice and personal experience on this topic.

[Azrael]

You are most welcome. Anything for a lady ;)

[Herbwoman39]

<sigh> I am so sorry all of you are having such awful experiences. It's terrifying to me that people who claim to love you would treat you with such blatant disregard. It honestly makes me afraid to come further out of the closet.

I've been reading a great book recently though in preparation to come out to my parents and my conservative friend who doesn't know yet. It's called "Outing Yourself" and although it was written for gays and lesbians mostly, it has some fantastic info and excercises to use in preparaion to come out. The author's name is Michaelangelo Signorile. Try looking for used copies on Amazon.com.

[LouiseBrookslover]

You're in territory I never really experienced. When I was at home, I was still largely in denial, and in the last 15 years since I moved out I've come to relegate my parents to a very tiny corner of my life. I love them, in a manner, but I really don't consider myself a part of that unit or anything. Their opinions about bisexuality or homosexuality are about as relevant to me as Jimmy Swaggart's would be. In my years away from home, I've built up a true family based on my network of friendships. It is with them that I seek support, love, companionship.

I admire how honest you've been with yourself at such a young age. But it does contribute to the difficulty you're in right now. You are faced with your identity conflicting with your main body of support. No wonder you are hurting. Please do keep in mind that you often can't change people. Your birth family can either be a wonderful or a miserable accident....but the fact remains that these people were chosen for you by biology and you don't have to be with them forever if you don't so choose. Someday you will have other support systems if you have the courage to seek them out. Considering how brave and honest you are about your sexuality, I think you will have no trouble finding true support in the years to come.

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

Ive realised that now that I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend,nothing else matters. I know she loves me and she knows i love her...i could care less about my parents not accepting us. I was at the library and i found a book about parents and how to communicate with teens and there was a chapter about homosexuality and it said if ur child is gay you should be supportive and not say "you are disgusting"etc. I am thinking of taking it out...

[Nara_lovely]

An idea to deal with 'outing' is to be comfortable with yourself first.
I can honestly say...I like ME.

After I reached that point, outside opinions seem less important.

[deletetacount123]

Livvy,

Im new to the boards but I was reading your post and wanted to comment :-)

It makes me sad that your parents act that way.... I honestly don't understand those kind of people!! You should be able to be in love with whoever you fall in love :-) Gender has nothing to do with love.

My parents are supportive, they just want us kids (Im from a family of five!!) to be happy. Thats all they want, us to be happy.

I know it hurts that your parents are behaving like this but they are going to have to accept who you are. :-) I think you should take out that book you saw in the library.... :-)

Tasha

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

Livvy,

Im new to the boards but I was reading your post and wanted to comment :-)

It makes me sad that your parents act that way.... I honestly don't understand those kind of people!! You should be able to be in love with whoever you fall in love :-) Gender has nothing to do with love.

My parents are supportive, they just want us kids (Im from a family of five!!) to be happy. Thats all they want, us to be happy.

I know it hurts that your parents are behaving like this but they are going to have to accept who you are. :-) I think you should take out that book you saw in the library.... :-)

Tasha
awww Tasha thank you<3

[Azrael]

An idea to deal with 'outing' is to be comfortable with yourself first.
I can honestly say...I like ME.

After I reached that point, outside opinions seem less important.
Pretty much where I'm at. Well stated.

[Diane54]

I was raised in a Fundamental Christian home and homosexuality was taboo and "a choice." So I became very anti-gay (this ws before Bi). I must have been hoping to suppress my feelings toward women. THen my son told me he was gay, I took a total 180 degree turn and supported him. I gradually realised I am bi, but not until I settled down and accepted the issue. I regret that I ever said "get the gay people saved then kill them." Jeepers what a fool. Now even though I am 54, I know I could never tell my family I am bi, never. the condemnation would be unbearable. I am no longer Christian, of course, and am comfortable in my beliefs. You are not alone.

[x_Love_me_4_me_x]

I was raised in a Fundamental Christian home and homosexuality was taboo and "a choice." So I became very anti-gay (this ws before Bi). I must have been hoping to suppress my feelings toward women. THen my son told me he was gay, I took a total 180 degree turn and supported him. I gradually realised I am bi, but not until I settled down and accepted the issue. I regret that I ever said "get the gay people saved then kill them." Jeepers what a fool. Now even though I am 54, I know I could never tell my family I am bi, never. the condemnation would be unbearable. I am no longer Christian, of course, and am comfortable in my beliefs. You are not alone.
good for you!