I am a gay man in a relationship with a bi man, and we have a problem.

[AzLavan]

As the title denotes, I am a gay male in a relationship with a mostly gay male. We love each other, and want to spend the rest of our lives together. However, he still has sexual urges for women. With some, it's a nice solution of having a quickie 3way with some horny sorority girl every other year and doing fine, but the thought of being with a woman repulses me. This is causing a big rift in our relationship, because he tries to supress these urges by sexting an ex of his. She is taking it farther than she should and he is embarrassed to share it until recently. If anyone else has been in this situation and has a solution to try or if anyone can think of anything, we are both all ears. Please help us!

[The Young Pretender]

Here's what has come to mind first:

Who said anything about a you-him-her threesome? If you don't want sexual involvement with women, that's your prerogative.

Is your relationship open to any degree or exclusive?

Edit: If he is "mostly gay," I am a little surprised that it has progressed this far.


Assuming that you're exclusive, he needs to make a decision that many people of any orientation have to: does one indulge the love or the lust?

[Young pussy and dope]

If you both love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together it should not matter. Also just because he's bisexual that does not mean that he has to go out and have sex with women or other men as most bisexuals are monogamous and it is easy for us to be monogamous if we want to be. Tell him that he should masturbate thinking of women and just watch porn, or maybe watch women on webcam and cyber/text with them online as a fantasy? I would be OK with someone cybering or "sexting" with an ex as long as the person did not cheat on me, or have an affair with the ex and lie about it.

[tenni]

Uh....most men are monogamous? YP&D may want to do a bit more research on this. I think that the stats are closer to 60-70% of men in long term relationships go outside of the relationship and women are increasing in numbers as well.

Being monogamous is not the natural state for many bisexuals. Some struggle to be monogamous while some have less difficulty. You certainly do not have to participate in threesomes with women if it repulses you. Have you given him permission to have sexual relationships with women? Have you established some ground rules that you both agree to for him doing this?

It seems that you are concerned about his emotional involvement with an ex girlfriend. If he was embarrassed to share what was going on between him and an ex g/f, that is not a good sign as to the relationship between the two of you. Discuss with him why he was reluctant. He seems to think that he needs to hide his relationships with women or was it only this particular ex g/f?

I don't think that we can tell you how to make this work as each couple is unique with boundary issues that differ. I do think that you are on the correct path to acknowledge that he has desires/needs for women as well as yourself. If you love him, you want him to be happy is a good approach. Just figure out what would make you comfortable and discuss it with him. (easier said than done in some cases)

Good luck.

[Realist]

I agree with Tenni...I've struggled to remain monogamous at least 30 times, myself!

I've had three relationships with gay males (one lasting 7 years) and it was just as much of a struggle for me to be with them, as it would have been with straight women! Oil and water does not mix and rarely, in my experience, has a relationship between myself and gay person worked.

[Gearbox]

If anyone else has been in this situation and has a solution to try or if anyone can think of anything, we are both all ears. Please help us!
Tell him to go fuck a woman once in a while. You already KNOW that!;)

An ex gf of his is NOT a good choice though. Not if you have any fears about him getting emotionally involved, or have any concerns about HER motives! That's just begging for complications IMO.

[matutum]

it comes down to choice.I'm bi and find many men unattractive.if there is no chemistry i don't hook up just to get off,i can do that with my hand.Maybe cut ur loses and get on with living.Lifes way to shrt to waste time trying to make some thing work.

[cbb83]

I'm so tired of the legion of sluts proclaiming that being bisexual entitles them to 3-ways and keeping men/women on the side. It's utter falsehood, it's people trying to have their cake and eat it, too. If he really loves you and you're not comfortable in a relationship that isn't monogamous, he'll be faithful. If his love is not that strong? You're probably better off splitting up in the long run. Will there always be a naggling little desire for sex with a woman? Absolutely, but he has to ask himself what's more important - a bit of sexual gratification or his love for you. If it's the latter, dude should go grab a fleshlight and watch some straight/bi porn from time to time and just deal with it. Life is hard and good things often require sacrifices, it's just the truth of the world.

[zigzig]

I guess for gays like straight people can be hard to be with a bisexual partner. Since I'm bisexual, it is natural for me to want a poly relationship.

[Gearbox]

I'm so tired of the legion of sluts proclaiming that being bisexual entitles them to 3-ways and keeping men/women on the side. It's utter falsehood, it's people trying to have their cake and eat it, too. If he really loves you and you're not comfortable in a relationship that isn't monogamous, he'll be faithful. If his love is not that strong? You're probably better off splitting up in the long run. Will there always be a naggling little desire for sex with a woman? Absolutely, but he has to ask himself what's more important - a bit of sexual gratification or his love for you. If it's the latter, dude should go grab a fleshlight and watch some straight/bi porn from time to time and just deal with it. Life is hard and good things often require sacrifices, it's just the truth of the world.
Not because they are bi! Because they are Humans, and not pets.;)

[darkeyes]

I guess for gays like straight people can be hard to be with a bisexual partner. Since I'm bisexual, it is natural for me to want a poly relationship.
It can work both ways, hun.. some bisexual people expect their same gender partner or opposite gender partner to be good boy or girl.. trust me.. I kno.... so it can be hard in ways u r not thinking about...:eek2: Monogamy/open relationships.. agreeing or not agreeing to a partner indulging and sating her or his needs is a human issue.. in every possible way...

[Young pussy and dope]

I am not sure if the original poster was serious or if he goes to this site or this thread anymore but if he is serious and for real did he at least talk about this issue with his male partner? For all the people here claiming how this bisexual guy simply has to have sex with a woman or someone else besides his partner, what if the partner does not want an open relationship? Not everyone does, and it has nothing to do with thinking that your partner is a "pet", having them "kept', or "owning" them. Also not everyone wants to have a 3 way and not everyone including bisexuals wants a 3 way or wants their partner to have sex with other people as that would be cheating and would break up their relationship, or drive them apart.

[bi4asplay]

Did you go into this relationship knowing that at times he has the urge to be with a woman? Does he want you to share in it or go it alone? Love is a very selfish emotion. I love you because you make me feel good. It makes me feel good to do something to make you smile. I love you because it makes you feel good to make me smile.You have to take all of someone to make things work. He/ she must do the same of you.Just my 2 cents.

[Gearbox]

I am not sure if the original poster was serious or if he goes to this site or this thread anymore but if he is serious and for real did he at least talk about this issue with his male partner? For all the people here claiming how this bisexual guy simply has to have sex with a woman or someone else besides his partner, what if the partner does not want an open relationship? Not everyone does, and it has nothing to do with thinking that your partner is a "pet", having them "kept', or "owning" them. Also not everyone wants to have a 3 way and not everyone including bisexuals wants a 3 way or wants their partner to have sex with other people as that would be cheating and would break up their relationship, or drive them apart.
What IS monogamy about?

[darkeyes]

What IS monogamy about?
Gud question, Gear... and about that there are more opinions than there are Smarties prouced at Bournville in a year...

[void()]

I'm so tired of the legion of sluts proclaiming that being bisexual entitles them to 3-ways and keeping men/women on the side. It's utter falsehood, it's people trying to have their cake and eat it, too. If he really loves you and you're not comfortable in a relationship that isn't monogamous, he'll be faithful. If his love is not that strong? You're probably better off splitting up in the long run. Will there always be a naggling little desire for sex with a woman? Absolutely, but he has to ask himself what's more important - a bit of sexual gratification or his love for you. If it's the latter, dude should go grab a fleshlight and watch some straight/bi porn from time to time and just deal with it. Life is hard and good things often require sacrifices, it's just the truth of the world.

Quit baiting, thanks.

[cbb83]

Expressing my opinion is baiting? Geez. Fine. Message received, I'll quit using the site. It's obvious that unless you're part of the core group here your opinions are considered worthless. Good luck with your lives.

[tenni]

Expressing my opinion is baiting? Geez. Fine. Message received, I'll quit using the site. It's obvious that unless you're part of the core group here your opinions are considered worthless. Good luck with your lives.

Hi
I don't think that you need to be part of a core group but what you may be experiencing is a conflict of values? Does what you want or are frustrated by demean how others chose to express their bisexuality? Are you open to ideas that differ from your values for other bisexuals? It is up to each of us to decide how we live our lives as bisexuals. I hope that people are not posting that bisexuals are entitled to certain sex acts as much as some bisexuals are happiest and healthiest accepting certain sex acts. It may come down to adhering to your own values and ending certain relationships that do not permit a person to express their sexuality. It come down to adapting attitudes and values. Each person is unique as are their partners.

I don't think that the OP gay man was opposed to his bisexual partner having sex with women. He didn't call his bipartner a "slut". He seemed to want to know if any bisexuals are living with a gay man and how their relationship worked with a woman on the side or interest in women. He has not posted since the first day. I know that someone also posted the same question on another bisexual site with the same user name.

Maybe, if you wrote "slut" in a complimentary manner you might not be observed as baiting and encouraging hostile reactions?

[darkeyes]

Expressing my opinion is baiting? Geez. Fine. Message received, I'll quit using the site. It's obvious that unless you're part of the core group here your opinions are considered worthless. Good luck with your lives.
O don't b such a ninny... no matter where ya r and in which walk of life ur in, there will always be sum1 who upsets ya! Bi peeps are no different and if u never want to risk being upset spin a cocoon and wrap urself up in silk... even then there are beasties in this world that like the contents of cocoons..:bigrin:

[void()]

Expressing my opinion is baiting? Geez. Fine. Message received, I'll quit using the site. It's obvious that unless you're part of the core group here your opinions are considered worthless. Good luck with your lives.

It is when you use broad generalities here, and seem to be self righteously indigent and judgmental of others. Not all of us whom desire and have a wife and boyfriend, or husband and girlfriend have a feeling of being entitled to anything beyond happiness. And everyone is deserving of happiness.

There is nothing wrong in desiring to be happy. You seemed to imply there was something wrong in it. This is baiting in implying that if one desires being happy, they are wrong, debased, foul and a plethora of other negative intonations. So I asked that it not be done.

Despite belief contrary, this isn't a clique thing. I'm reading this from your post myself, and responding directly to clarify my view. No one else is involved in this, as in no one else is speaking for me nor telling me what to say. Also contrary to Fran's implication, I'm not emptying any cocoons.

Rather it was an implication I saw in what this person wrote. I spoke up for myself as to me it appeared to be baiting. I believe this is further evidenced in the overly dramatic response, where as they are attempting to appear victimized. Sorry, it doesn't float with me. I'm tired of people using backhanded barbed hooks to spur on hatred.

It genuinely serves no other purpose. In causing vitriol and bickering between people, one propagates hate all the further. We've far too much hate in the world as it is. As mature adults I feel we can do better than continue to create hate or play its game. Granted, I can understand you had an opinion.

We all have them. Mine is that we don't need the hate or drama inferred from its vestige. It is fine to have divergent opinions, too. You may be of the opinion that your own was not baiting. We can agree to disagree, if we need to. Opinions are ideas, therefore I'm not picking on you personally but rather affronting the idea you presented originally as it read to me. "Seeking happiness is bad."

[elian]

I can actually understand cbb's perspective - I get tired of straight fundamentalists telling me that I'm morally corrupt and "promiscuous" because I find men attractive. Just because I find them attractive doesn't mean that I will sleep with every one of them. It's a sort of brash, frustrated way of getting the point across that we should do some introspection. However it is also a stereotype and having said that I can't presume to judge everyone's personal experience, their relationships and their sexuality as right or wrong..

My opinion about a social issue really has no bearing on the personal relationship of the OP and his boyfriend. I defer back to bi4asplay's response - the bottom line is that it will be up to the two men to decide what each one can live with.

[Young pussy and dope]

I am not sure if the original poster was serious or if he goes to this site or this thread anymore but if he is serious and for real did he at least talk about this issue with his male partner? For all the people here claiming how this bisexual guy simply has to have sex with a woman or someone else besides his partner, what if the partner does not want an open relationship? Not everyone does, and it has nothing to do with thinking that your partner is a "pet", having them "kept', or "owning" them. Also not everyone wants to have a 3 way and not everyone including bisexuals wants a 3 way or wants their partner to have sex with other people as that would be cheating and would break up their relationship, or drive them apart. Any update OP?

[redjones2]

i didn't bother reading all the threads just an FYI. i was in a relationship with a gay guy for the last 6 months. it was my first after being seperated from my wife. i am bi and thought we had an understanding that this is a fun situation (and let me me tell you he was great, in and out of bed). he told me about 4 months in that he was starting to have feelings and we discussed it and of course i told him i wasn't ready to jump into a relationship after being in one for the last 14 years. he told me he was fine with it. it was cool for a 2 more months. then i just got some crazy text from him saying " i was his dream guy" and we couldn't be together then it was over. i was always up front with him about this being a FWB situation. i guess some people like drama no matter what you orientation is! and i am not into the drama and won't deal with it no matter how good the sex is and of course it doesnt matter if you are a guy or a woman.
maybe this is a bit off subject but this is my first post.

[12voltman59]

i didn't bother reading all the threads just an FYI. i was in a relationship with a gay guy for the last 6 months. it was my first after being seperated from my wife. i am bi and thought we had an understanding that this is a fun situation (and let me me tell you he was great, in and out of bed). he told me about 4 months in that he was starting to have feelings and we discussed it and of course i told him i wasn't ready to jump into a relationship after being in one for the last 14 years. he told me he was fine with it. it was cool for a 2 more months. then i just got some crazy text from him saying " i was his dream guy" and we couldn't be together then it was over. i was always up front with him about this being a FWB situation. i guess some people like drama no matter what you orientation is! and i am not into the drama and won't deal with it no matter how good the sex is and of course it doesnt matter if you are a guy or a woman.
maybe this is a bit off subject but this is my first post.


I am sure that when this relationship got started off with you guys, your friend/lover/partner was also thinking all he wanted out of the relationship was for you guys to spend some time together both sexually and otherwise---but over time--he has come to both really like and love you----people do have a right to change their minds on such things.

I would say, don't be so hard on him and accept that his feelings for you grew into something more along with his expectations that your relationship might become something more as well.

By my reckoning, you are lucky to have found someone--male or female that you have such a relationship with, don't be so quick to possibly throw it away. I would love to find a guy that I could have a relationship with such as this, but thus far have not been able to do so.

When it comes down to the issue that is getting tossed around here----regarding monogamy and whether its possible, best, not possible or whatever-----it is surely an issue that we can probably NEVER resolve since OBVIOUSLY---none of us can come to any sort of agreement on it----and for anyone to make any sort of sweeping declarations about it---like so many other things--- that is clearly not possible.