Accepting yourself

[Bellonya]

Hello everybody.
Today I come to ask for advise, personal experiences and most of all, your understanding.
My boyfriend is young, he's 22 years old, and bisexual. The problem is, he considers it to be a cancer, a curse thrown upon him and that it's doomed to make him unhappy until the end of his days. (Yes, it is as bad as it sounds)
He thinks being bisexual leads to him hurting people and causing them sadness.
The thing is, he used to be okay with being bi. I even made him a bracelet he proudly wore. (yesterday he gave it back, which is the reason I'm now here) But recent events lead to this mentality change. A bit of context:
During his teens, he had a rough time. He didn't accept who he was, he felt disgust towards himself and like noone could ever love him because he was bi, obviously he was wrong, since I love him deeply. His parents were -and still are- close minded and squared, old fashioned. He tried coming out of the closet and had to say "I'm over it now" when he found nothing but rejection.
Over the years, he managed to slowly accept that part of him.
Once we started dating, he could also explore his sexuality, being with other boys (I'm a girl) physically. This was hard for me at first, and it sometimes still is -though that's because of insecurities I'm working on- but we managed to keep on going.
This helped a lot in his acceptance of himself, and so I made that bracelet I mentioned before for him. He started saying he was proud of being bi. He liked it. Until a few days ago.
His need to explore lead him to have feelings for this guy, which also likes him back. He wants a relationship with him, yet still being with me, which is not something possible.
He feels like there's no way out of this problem that wouldn't cause us sadness, therefore he started feeling like "being bisexual ruined his life and makes everybody unhapppy". He believes that, had him not been bi, he would've had a "normal teens", without suffering. And that he wouldn't need to be with boys, so I wouldn't be sad either.
Now, I'm mostly okay with "sharing" him with boys. But the thought of him being in a relationship, feelings involved, with another guy it's a bit harder to accept. I'm still willing to let him, since I understand the need to explore and the fear of waking up, being older and "not having lived enough". Yet, if I had the chance, I wouldn't "make him straight". I love him, bisexual included, and I want him to be proud of who he is, and of what he likes and needs.
He needs both girls and boys, and that's okay. It's not a "curse" or anything like that, but he doesn't seem to get it.
So I'm here today, asking for your help.
How can I make him proud again?
How can I make him see that being bi is something amazing, full of opportunities and happines?
I'm sorry if I rambled a lot, and thank you for reading.
Btw, English is not my first language, so excuse me for any mistakes.

[Neonaught]

Firstly, he is very lucky to have such an understanding girl in his life! If I am understanding you properly the crux of the problem seems to be that he wants to have both you and his male lover in his life at the same time and you are not willing to go along with that. If this is true, then it boils down to him having to make a choice between you or his male lover. Probably a difficult choice to make and he has my sympathy. It seems to me that unless polyamory is an option, he is just going to have to make a decision and live with it. Best of luck and please correct me if I have misunderstood.

[Annika L]

For him: He needs to realize that it's not that being bisexual "ruined his life"...being bisexual *is* his life. We're all given a certain lot in this world. Some of us carry the difficulties of bisexuality (some carry the bisexuality without the attached difficulties, but they have their own issues). This is just the hand he was dealt...it's nothing he's done, and if it wasn't this, it would be something just as difficult.

For you: You sound awesomely understanding and loving. The only faulty assumption I see in your story is "He wants a relationship with him, yet still being with me, which is not something possible." Of course it is possible. There are plenty of such relationships, and many (not necessarily most, but many) work. You need to figure out whether you could bear any such kind of relationship...and if so, what kinds of parameters/rules would need to be in place. In a sense, it's safer for you (emotionally and physically) if he has a stable relationship with one guy (with feelings that can grow and develop around all three of you) than for him to be experimenting sexually with lots of guys (with no emotional attachment whatsoever).

Just some thoughts to consider.

[Bellonya]

Neonaught: to be honest, it would be hard to have that type of relationship with him and this other guy. I'm afraid he might fall in love with him -given that he already has feelings- and leave me or replace me. Still, those are my insecurities and I'm planning on getting rid of them. Still, I would agree to give it a try, for him, to see if it helps him and his feeling of having 'lost time' since he couldn't do enough (to his point of view) when he was a teen. Yet, the other guy is the one with the problem, he doesn't want to 'cause us trouble' and 'meddle with our relationship'. But I am seeing him next tuesday and planning on explaining that I will be okay, and to see if he is willing to give it another shot. (Wish me luck!) but I dont know if it will help him accept that he is bi and that there's nothing wrong with that...

Annika L: I will definetly try and get him to see what you mean. I think he is trying to make peace with his past, yet the "monster" of bisexuality still hauntss him and makes him feel like it's something bad, meant to hurt people. I've already talked to him but he refuses to see it from another point of view.
Oh the other hand, what I meant with "it's not possible" it's that I am not completely okay with this scenario, and neither is the other guy. As I said above, he does not want to cause our relationship any harm, yet I'm talking to him to see if I can change his mind.

Thank you both for your answers!

[Annika L]

the "monster" of bisexuality still hauntss him and makes him feel like it's something bad, meant to hurt people.

I think the integration he needs is that bisexuality is not an entity external to him, not something that acts on him. Rather it is who he is. Like if he was good at math...it's not like that mathematical ability is an external force, acting on him for some purpose...it's just part of him. Similarly, his bisexuality doesn't *mean* anything...it's just him. Like with any other quality he has, he can be hurt because of it, or can cause hurt because of it. But (like with any other quality) it also has potential to do good in the world.

[virginia123]

Look up in the urban dictionary and Google the word "compersion". It describes a relationship concept that may very well be useful to your situation! Good luck.

[Bellonya]

Annika L: I am copying your words exactly to see how he reacts, but yes, I couldn't have said it better, thank you. Once he sees that bisexuality is only a sexuality, that he has the power to take advantage of that and have a wonderful life while being bi, then he will start feeling happier.

Joseph: I don't know if I feel happiness when he's with another guy. I would describe it as I want him to be happy, so I let him. At first it was incredible painfull, yet now I've got used to it. Yet, I've been reluctant to include a third, regular person, even if it is indeed safer for me and him, though I know how much he wants it/needs it, so I'll do it.

[wanttobottom]

Annika L--THANK YOU SO MUCH! I have been dealing with similar issues and you just helped to open my eyes a little more.

[PamelaBiPantyboy]

I knew I was bisexual as a young man . I mostly hid it , and denied it myself half the time for 40 years . I am 53, and began coming out at 50. I was a prisoner of my own head all those years , and missed a lot of good sex , and a lot of good loving . Had I another chance , I`d have accepted it and embraced it , as I have now , decades ago . It`s not a cancer , nor is it a phase , or something that goes away .

[elian]

Well it is obvious he has feelings for both of you, I think the pain he is now feeling is probably having to truly deal with that reality for the first time. I know if I loved someone very deeply and all of the sudden I thought about even the possibility of loving someone else knowing my first partner wanted only a monogamous relationship I would feel very conflicted. I believe that you are a wonderful partner for trying to understand this and help him, not everyone would have that level of patience and compassion.

Before I had the experience of a truly loving man in my life I used to feel guilt and self-loathing being "happy" with a man, only to have to give up that happiness to go back into the closet. The Buddhist philosophy of lovingkindness helped me to view the world with compassion toward myself and others. As Annika says, you don't view people as "flawed" but rather "full of potential".

Think of it this way - this world is full of people who are hurting, people who need love. We bisexual people have the capacity to love anyone! At times it feels like a curse, it really is a gift.

Your boyfriend's pain probably comes from the conflict he feels toward you and others. It will take good communication to overcome this. As a participant in this relationship you have a say in what you want out of relationship too. If for some reason you can't resolve this conflict I hope that at least you both can be very good friends.

Here are some resources, although they are in English - I hope they are still useful to you..

http://www.amazon.com/Lovingkindness-Revolutionary-Happiness-Shambhala-Classics/dp/157062903X

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orxEawi9qro
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=erqJF_ppqbk

Tell your boyfriend - "Be kind to yourself and others. You don't have to know all of the answers right now, you have your whole life to figure it out and others to help you."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLfPtLp3u3Y

A nice lullaby:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qlh2gJ3r2bA

We are not presented with challenges in our life because the universe wants to punish us – we face challenges because it is our task to grow. Success or failure, we grow, and it is good. I am simply trying to convince you that through it all, no matter what – you are loved.

Each person is a spark of the divine, just as worthy of love and respect as any other part of creation.

If you believe that the love of God, the giving nature of the universe exists outside of you, separate and apart from who you are, then you are already lost.

If you believe that your own anger is caused by anyone but your own self then you are already lost.

The spiritual pain, fear and confusion so many people feel is a distraction, an illusion. We did not come here to be prisoners.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7iu_mwx_8Q (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7iu_mwx_8Q)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDlaoEIZCoo

[Annika L]

Annika L--THANK YOU SO MUCH! I have been dealing with similar issues and you just helped to open my eyes a little more.

*blush* You're very welcome. Always happy to have been helpful.

[Bellonya]

Audrey: And how did you come to terms with that? If you don't mind my asking, why did you wait until so long? What was holding you back and how did you break free from that?
I need to fill myself with arguments to show him that he's wrong, that he can be bi and happy, and that he has the power to overcome this.
I hate was has been done to him.
I hate that he has now gone back to hating and feeling that he can never be truly happy.

Elian: Nethless to say, I'm redirecting everything you say to him, it's very inspiring and touching, even if I myself am not bisexual. My problem is that he says "words don't mean anything" because the fact remains that he's still suffering because he cannot have this relationship with the guy.
I already promised to talk to this person on tuesday, but my boyfriend is not the patient kind, and even if he doesn't want to, we are even discussing the posibility of... let's say "taking some time" from each other, though we know how that'll end.

Now, yes, he has feelings for both of us. He doesn't love him, I know that, but he feels something strong -nobody gets that upset over someone you just have the hots for- And, although he has been with other boys with my permision, him being in a relationship with this boy it's different and scary. I feel like I will be replaced eventually. Still, I'm willing to do it.
I know it's for the best, I know it's what he needs.
When he was young he felt disgusted with himself because of what he felt sexualy towards a guy (up till now, he hasn't felt romantic love towards a male patner, although he had a boyfriend). I'll certainly do my best to be sure that he overcomes this, and gets to be happy again.
If he needs me to step aside and just explore on his own, I'll understand and I will do it, as much as it'll pain me.
Thank you Elian for your kind words, I trully apreciate it, and I'm sure he will as well.

[elian]

A Prayer To Humankind

A poem of the heart

By Manitongquat



HEAR, O HUMANKIND, the prayer of my heart.

For are we not one, have we not one desire,
to heal our Mother Earth and bind her wounds?
And still to be free as the spotted Eagle climbing
the laughing breath of our Father Sky,
to hear again from dark forests and flashing rivers
the varied ever-changing Song of Creation?

O Humankind, are we not all brothers and sisters,
are we not the grandchildren of the Great Mystery?
Do we not all want to love and be loved, to work
and to play, to sing and dance together?
But we live with fear. Fear that is hate,
fear that is ambition, competition, aggression,
fear that is loneliness, anger, bitterness, cruelty,
fear that is mistrust. envy. greed. vanity. . . and yet
fear is only twisted love, love turned back
upon itself, devouring itself, hating itself,
love that was denied, love that was rejected . . . and love. ..

Love is life – creation, seed and leaf
and blossom and fruit and seed, love is growth
and search and reach and touch and dance,
love is nurture and succor and feed and pleasure,
love is pleasuring ourself, pleasuring each other,
love is life believing in itself.

And life. . .
Life is the Sacred Mystery singing to itself, dancing
to its drum, telling tales, improvising, playing
and we are all that Spirit, our stories all
but one cosmic story that we are loved indeed,
that perfect love we seek we are already.
That the love in me seeks the love in you,
and if our eyes could ever meet without fear,
we would recognize each other and rejoice,
for love is life believing in itself.

O Humankind, we must stop fearing life,
fearing each other, we must absolutely
stop hating ourself, resenting Creation …. Life,
O Humankind, life is the only treasure.
We are the custodians of it, it is our sacred trust.
Life is wondrous, awesome and holy, a burning glory,
and its price is simply this: courage . . .
we must be brave enough to love.

Hear my heart’s prayer, O Humankind,
trust in love, don’t be afraid. I love you
as I love life, I love myself, please
love me too, love yourself, for perfect love,
as a wise one said, casts out all fear.
If we are to live, there is no other choice,
for love is life believing in itself.

Above all,
let us set the children free, break the traps
of fear that history has fashioned for them,
free to grow, to seek and question, to dance and sing,
to be dreamers of tomorrow’s rainbows,
and if we but give them our trust
they will guide us to a New Creation,
for love is life believing in itself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9pu_tg9RAY

Sorry so much material, but I spent a long time learning to overcome my hatred of self. I hope at least some of it is helpful.

[Bellonya]

Elian: Please, don't be sorry. It's wonderful, in many ways. It also helps me, and I'm sure that it will help him, maybe not right away, but eventually.
I'm sorry you had to go through self-hatred, but yes, it is indeed helpful and I deeply apreciate it

[elian]

Hmm, well I can see how the thought might be scary. The only thing I can say is that at the end of the day he comes home to you, and if he is feeling this much pain over the conflict obviously he has strong feelings for YOU that are not likely to all of the sudden go away. Some bisexual people are happy in a monogamous relationship, some are happy with one partner of each gender, and some want a truly open relationship. I am sure as long as you both try to speak to each other with love you will find a way to be at peace with each other.

[Gearbox]

From what I can read, his bisexualiy has nothing to do with the 'problem'.
He has feelings for both you & the other man, you both have feelings for him, but neither you or the other man are comfortable with that.
He is polyamorous and THAT being unacceptable is what causes him to believe that he will always cause harm. But really IMO it's the jealousy and insecurity in others that do the damage, because that is where the 'monsters' truly are.

I hope you and the other man have a good talk about how you both feel about him and each other, and hopefully come to the conclusion that neither are a threat.
You are a very understanding and compassionate person IMO in regards to him having sex with another. BUT for many that is easy compared to sharing one persons love.

[dickhand]

English is my first language . Don't be sorry that your's is not . You did very well expressing your thoughts and concerns . I think you are doing all you can by just continuing to love and support him . Being able to share him means that you are an amazing woman and a rare find . His having feelings for a man is hard for you to accept , I'm sure . I have a female friend who had two fiances back out of the wedding for a man . She is a beautiful woman and a sweetie at heart . She understood after a while that they did her a service by being able to avoid a divorce over the same issue . She never has figured out why she was attracted to them or them to her . This was years ago . You may lose him . If you do , then it was meant to be . Better than regretting or worse yet putting up with less than you deserve . That kind of thing festers and causes all kinds of pain and stress you just don't need .

[Bellonya]

Gearbox: Even if it is true that netiher the "other guy" nor me are perfectly comfortable with the idea of sharing, I am doing my best to solve it the best way, this includes not putting more pressure on my boyfriend and assuring him that I don't hate, resent, or have any sort of negative feelings towards him.

Dickhand: I don't believe that this is "Less than I deserve". He's been always there for me when I needed him, and had to put up with quite a lot form my part too. I know though that I might lose him, and if that happens, at least I know I got the wonderful opportunity to meet him and I'm sure we'll remain friends. Still, that possibility is extremely painful and I don't like thinking aobut it, haha.

Also, apparently, this other guy has backed out completely. I've yet to inform my boyfriend about this, and I know it'll cause sadness for him. He still needs this relationship with another guy, so where should we start looking?

[elian]

Can you search together for another man that you both approve of?