Am I in denial of my bi side?

[greenthumb95]

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time. I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her? We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication. I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends? The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE! My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.

[tenni]

Hi
How is this thread different than other threads that you have started about your attraction to men? I thought that it sounded familiar. I recall that a few people told you then that you need to talk honestly with your wife. She doesn't want to talk about your sexuality. Why not ask her point blank if she is fine with you having sex with another man but you won't leave her for another man?

I would say that you seem clearly interested in having sex with other men and that interest doesn't seem to be going away.

[FunE1]

^ what he said...

Seriously, I don't know about other posts you've made, but it sounds like you're definitely overdue for an honest convo with the wife ... but I'd suggest that should come AFTER you've done some thinking about both where you're at with this desire for men and what you want from this point on. Talking about your interest with people outside your marriage, leaving Craigslist up where she could find it, etc., all seem like the actions of somebody who's trying to say SOMETHING. Whether that something is "I'm bi" or "We need a more active sex life" or "Let's get a divorce" I don't know, but continuing this way could create much more drama than simply clarifying your needs and opening up to the wife, IMHO.

[greenthumb95]

^ what he said...

Seriously, I don't know about other posts you've made, but it sounds like you're definitely overdue for an honest convo with the wife ... but I'd suggest that should come AFTER you've done some thinking about both where you're at with this desire for men and what you want from this point on. Talking about your interest with people outside your marriage, leaving Craigslist up where she could find it, etc., all seem like the actions of somebody who's trying to say SOMETHING. Whether that something is "I'm bi" or "We need a more active sex life" or "Let's get a divorce" I don't know, but continuing this way could create much more drama than simply clarifying your needs and opening up to the wife, IMHO.

Do you think she thinks i am bisexual? do you think i am?

[FunE1]

Since you asked, yes, I believe you are bi.

But, that could be "bi" as in: enjoying bi-sexual porn & fantasies, but never really wanting to act on it...
Or it could be "bi" as in: enjoying bi-sex porn & fantasies and wanting to act on it...

Which of those is up to you.

Can't speak to whether or not your wife thinks you're bi; however, based on your initial post, I would tend to think that she suspects as much, but again, the only way you'll know is to have the conversation with her.

[elmwood7]

I think you are bisexual whether you've acted on it or not. And as a married guy and reading your post I think your wife knows it too. I went through a similar situation with my wife. The jokes as you call them are her way of probing for info. In my case it hasn't gone over so well. I was open about it and she freaked out. That was over 2 yrs. ago. We're still together but things are not the same. But she's starting to realize that I'm not going to leave her no matter what. So it will get better.I think everyone's situation is different. Only you know your wife. We can only speculate on what will happen. But my advice is to pursue it slowly and carefully feel her out as you go.

[tenni]

posted Jan. 9, 2013 by Greenthumb95
http://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?13756-Urgent!-Please-Help!-Married-Man-in-need-of-advice!&p=244152#post244152


For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it.[br>[br>Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time.




I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no.[br>[br>Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. [br>[br>Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her?


We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication.


I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends?


The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE!


My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does.


I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby.
I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat.

[ghost_of_bluebiyou]

Greenthumb,
you are doubtlessly bisexual.
I suggest you fuck around discretely with guys. Play safe (condoms, etc).
If I understand what you said:
Your wife clearly knows, loves you, understands, and has given her criteria of limitations (you won't leave me for another man).
Your situation sounds very similar to mine.
While bisexuality means openness/sexual attraction to either gender... to many, if not most folks.
I (and I suspect you) have simultaneous/parallel needs.
Not funzzies but honest needs.
I can only go so long before I need to be with a woman.
I can only go so long before I need to be with a man.
If I'm with a man, great. Great sex, etc. I still need to be with a woman. I've only met a few men who can kiss as well as almost any woman. And women have a way of talking that is...
If I'm with a woman, great. Sex is okay. I still need to be with a man. Women don't have beautiful penises and testicles, and seldom have lust/passion as strong as men.
Monogamy is a trait of few vertebrates.

I'm among an apparent minority in expressing an honest opinion.
A relationship with a woman doesn't satisfy my sexual/emotional desire for a man.
A relationship with a man doesn't satisfy my sexual/emotional desire for a woman.

If I go too long without both/either, I go through all the standard psychological stuff that one goes through due to lack of relationship.

But why should this be a surprise?
Are we not (ideally) brought into this world loved by a mother and father?
Do we not crave both feminine and masculine love?

Life is short. Make decisions. Take risks (within reason).

Uhhh, also CYA... record your interactions with your wife regarding your sexuality so it won't spring back on you if she divorces you and wants to gut you like a fish*. If she knew and accepted... 1/2... 1/2...

Best Wishes,
Blue

*Females are biologically/evolutionarily conditioned to orient toward self and child preservation, thus their stronger nature toward monogamy is based on child rearing and none wish the resources of the male divided to other sexual partners/children. Not only that but we as a species developed a saying "Hell hath no fury than that of a woman scorned". So us males need to legally protect ourselves from same...

I've met as few women who have integrity at a divorce as I've met men who've had integrity when with a vulnerable naked woman. All women are vampire scum just as sure as all men are pigs.
***stereotype***
But some rise above.