Married Bi --would you do it over again?

[John J.]

I've been a lurker for awhile, but just had to post a question. Some background first. I'm a 30 something guy married To a wonderful woman with kids but have always been curious about having a homosexual relationship. When I was younger, I was scared of those feeling. I come from a religious background, after all. I fell into that trap of believing that you were either straight or gay and not realizing that sexuality is fluid.

now I have realized that I am bisexual. I enjoy gay porn, chatting and camming and jacking off with men. And I enjoy fantasizing about being with a man.i am comfortable making love to my wife and at other times venting my same sex feelings with guys I meet online through cam, chat, porn. I've learned a lot about what I like. But my wife is stuck in the same one way thinking I was. She believes homosexuality is a sin and bisexuality doesn't exist. I can't blame her --I was there once. So coming out to her, offering a MMF experience or closed loop thing isn't going to happen. Maybe after many years it could be possible. But very doubtful considering she's more conservative than me.

but I recently had a few offers to meet a great married guy where I could experiment. Meet in secret and try those desires we've always dreamt about. Yes, it would be a secret affair for both of us. He's also not out to his wife.

now I know it's an affair and there are risks -- emotional, betrayal, STDs, mistrust, divorce, etc. and I've been wondering if it is worth it. I've wrestled with this decision for awhile. Should I stick with my fantasy same sex desires while enjoying my marriage. Or try to have both, and potentially lose everything. I think of my wife, my kids, my friends. Is it worth it for having a secret affair.

I always was taught to respect experience. so here's the question....

...for those of you that have been married in the same situation and have made your fantasy real by having a same sex affair.
How did it turn out?
Did it change your relationship with your wife carrying on in secret? Guilt or whatnot
Did your wife find out?
Do you regret it?
i guess overall-- would you do it again? Or just keep you desire to yourself, and enjoy the fantasy of it. After all, there's many compromises in a marriage. This is just one of them.

Thanks for your thoughts. Sorry for asking for a lot.

[Coastocoast]

"but I recently had a few offers to meet a great married guy where I could experiment. Meet in secret and try those desires we've always dreamt about. Yes, it would be a secret affair for both of us. He's also not out to his wife."

I think if you read his post again he is stating he is CONSIDERING it and is asking an opinion on what he has not done yet. I would agree with you in that I would not cheat on a spouse or GF. Coming out to her is not something I would do unless I felt I could not keep the feelings from becoming reality, it will end the marriage to a conservative spouse. If I felt I could not contain it I would tell her first and let her decide if she wants to stay in the marriage or not before I acted.

[Visexual]

I would absolutely do it again. But, for me, it's not an affair with men like it would be with a woman. With men it's just two good friends sharing a good time. And my wife knows that I'm interested in sex with men and has said that it's something she can't do for me. She even has suggested that I go meet an online friend we both know. So, it's really not like I'm cheating on her either.

[Long Duck Dong]

to be dead honest, you know the risks, you know the cost.... so its more a case of how badly do you want to have sex with another person and is it worth losing everything ? other people can give you answers from their points of view and their experiences but lets be honest... opinions and points of view do not hurt as much as your own personal pain and that of your partner.....

having the affair is a choice you make... it makes no difference if your wife gives you permission or you do it without her permission, you do it because you choose to... its human nature to reason it out in terms of why we do things and what causes us to do things, but the simple truth is that you want to have sex with other people so thats why you do it.....

so the only advice I will give is simply this... if you choose to go ahead and it goes wrong, you are not the only person that loses.... there are 4 people involved, not 2 ( you, your wife, the other person and their partner ) so make dammed sure you do not get caught, its not fair on the other people if they end up suffering because of your actions....

[olmizzou42]

Since my wife lost interest in sex long ago and we haven't had it for over 10 years I don't feel at all guilty about visiting my cocksucker friend. I go to his place, we suck each others cock and I go home and remain my wife's good friend and dutiful husband.

[Lover_Not_Fighter]

Well I know it's very risky for you but I would come out to the wife! Then if she is not willing to deal with it she has an out! At least this way you come clean and who knows she might come around to your point of view! I can almost for sure say that you will get caught especially if you two end up good buddies. Seen it happen a lot!!! Better off in the long run to fess up!

[2bi2Bboring]

I have a very different situation than you. In my marriage, if I needed a lover, male or female, all I need to do is say so. Mostly, my wife and I share lovers. We are both bi and have been for our entire 15 yr relationship. I was bi before I met my wife, had been married and divorced once before. I lived the whole monogamous, conservative, Christian lie. Now I am certainly not downing anyone's beliefs or religion. I live my life the way I want to, and I don't criticize others for their way of life. I was lying to myself, not that I believe that life is inherently a lie. I bought into it, I lived it, and one day I had to be shed of it all. Circumstance forced me to completely change my life and through that I learned I was bisexual. I have the great fortune of having a spouse who is an intellectual and a sexual athlete. She is 12 yrs my junior in age, and its probably a good thing because she has to keep up with me. I have total honesty with my wife, she accepts me for my true self and we have no judgement between us. Until I came on this website I had no idea how many people have situations more similar to your's than mine. I have been on here for 11 months and I have learned there are far more of you than me on here. That scares the shit out of me , because the likelihood of someone I want to be with is in your situation increases proportionally. I have no desire to be someone's dirty secret. That's drama no one needs. I have to say, I don't like the deception involved with sex outside the relationship with out prior consent. I am not trying to judge you, I am saying the whole deception of it puts everything you have at risk. You have a life that will change whether you want it to or not going down that road. I think working on the wife and actually having a real talk about sex is a way better idea than doing it behind her back. Take the gradual approach, talk dirty to her in bed, buy her toys, help her discover her freak. Now true, there are some folks that are un-pervertable, they cling to other things too tightly to let that crack be exploited. If you are married to one of those poor souls then you have few options. I am further down this road than your life has allowed you to be, we all have our own path. I would urge you to choose a path that causes the least harm, to yourself and those around you. Maybe patience will pay off, I know waiting is hard but you'll never know until you talk to her. Hell there are Christian swinger sites now, which baffles me ( face palm ). I wish you luck.

[biwoody]

Visexual, you're lucky to have an understanding and supportive wife!

[John J.]

Thanks for the advice, guys. Still thinking about it.

[danasdf876wer]

Thanks for the advice, guys. Still thinking about it.

If you don't have an agreement with your wife, you will almost certainly regret it, no matter how well it lives up to your expectations. No lasting good can come of it. Get permission from your wife, or end your marriage first. At best you'll be stressed about keeping secrets and sneaking around, and at worst it will cause serious trust issues or destroy your marriage. I have the same fantasy, but let's be honest - it's really all about getting off. Exploring your bi side is not some noble pursuit that we want to undertake, especially if we're married. Get off online and enjoy your fantasies. Don't cause yourself and other unnecessary suffering.

[Gearbox]

Exploring your bi side is not some noble pursuit that we want to undertake, especially if we're married.
That's just about the most ironic thing I've ever read.:bigrin:

[Dragonlove75]

Our pasts are very similar sounding, all but the part where I am out to my wife now. I came out to myself after 11 years of marriage, and it took me another 3 months to come out to her. That was a little over a year ago. We are talking about a possible threesome, to allow me to experiment and her still be involved. Honesty is the best policy.

[Hypersexual11]

Made up your mind yet? Tough decision to make. On one hand, there are the marriage vows, the desire to not hurt the one you love. On the other hand is this burning desire to live out those wild fantasies.
Maybe it depends on how bisexual you are. I agree with Visexual's view, since I don't form emotional attachments with guys, I never considered the sex I was having with guys "cheating". Hence, little guilt towards the wife.

How did it turn out? For me, excellent. Lots of very satisfying sex with a variety of men over a period of 15 years.

Did it change your relationship with your wife carrying on in secret? Guilt or whatnot. No guilt, no change in the relationship other than to really appreciate the closeness. I think carrying on behind your wife will always create some guilt. I think sometimes the guilt is dealt with by over compensating at home. This can make for a very pleasant life with your mate. Especially since there is no sexual tension built up, putting you on edge and making you an ass to live with. This happiness all depends on not getting caught.

Did your wife find out? yep
Do you regret it? nope
i guess overall-- would you do it again? yep

On a side note, I don't think I ever REALLY cared in my wife found out about me. Conversations thru the years made me feel that she would probably be ok with me being bi. At least open minded enough to work through it. I only know what you wrote about your wife but you may not have this luxury. If you get caught, you will probably be making a huge change to your life. Is it worth it?
Good luck!

[jackbirdjay]

When I was 14 my best friend and I had gay sex. In 1970's it was a big deal but we couldn't help our self's. Even latter when we had girl friends every now and then we would suck each other off. In my 20's moved had a girl friend here and there but still had sex with guys. Then met my wife, we lived together before we married. Right up front told her I was very curious but didn't tell her i was bi. She even uses toys on me as she sucks me. Fast forward we had kids they are all grown up I been telling her would love a 3 way for the last 3 years. She now has a close gay friend, he tells her everything. About a year ago she came right out said I know you sucked cock before so tell me about it. I confessed to her that I had sex with men before. She took it well but still dose not want a 3 way but gets excited in the bedroom when we role play. At least it's in the open now.

[itsnormy]

Knew I was bi, long before started dating. Met lady I was wanting to marry, we had long, long discussion of my being with men...if she could not handle the idea we would not marry...she could with the understanding if I had a boyfriend she was allowed...WORKED PERFECTLY...if you communicate and agree, there is no such thing as cheating.

[Heloisea3]

I am going to add this from the perspective of a straight female. Personally, I think that this is a matter of how much you love and respect your wife. I'm sure I will get blasted for this, but I don't care. If you care about her, you owe her the truth. I feel like it is much easier to open one's mind to sexual exploration than to lies and deception. Once that happens, your marriage will never be the same. You can't just assume that your wife won't find out about it. How much are you willing to risk? How much do you want to act out your fantasies? She may be hurt by your admission that you are bi, but it won't compare to how she feels if you cheat on her. I would rather hear the truth regardless of how painful it is.

You never know how a person will react to something. Yes, it could cause problems in your marriage. Maybe it would end it. However, the alternative is that you are constantly lying to her or yourself. That is a lose-lose situation. On the other hand, it could open up a whole new life for you and your wife. It would give both of you a chance to explore your feelings about sex, fantasies, and your relationship in general. People are not always as conservative as you think they are, even the ones close to you. My TWIN sister once toId a guy not to tell me that he was gay because I wouldn't understand it and would have issues with it. Well, that guy and I have been best friends for 26 years, and I am currently dating a bi man. So, assume nothing. I think everybody has a desire to let their hair down sometimes and that can take many forms. Give her a chance to stand by you. You can't say for sure that she won't. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

[Coastocoast]

I am going to add this from the perspective of a straight female. Personally, I think that this is a matter of how much you love and respect your wife. I'm sure I will get blasted for this, but I don't care. If you care about her, you owe her the truth. I feel like it is much easier to open one's mind to sexual exploration than to lies and deception. Once that happens, your marriage will never be the same. You can't just assume that your wife won't find out about it. How much are you willing to risk? How much do you want to act out your fantasies? She may be hurt by your admission that you are bi, but it won't compare to how she feels if you cheat on her. I would rather hear the truth regardless of how painful it is.

You never know how a person will react to something. Yes, it could cause problems in your marriage. Maybe it would end it. However, the alternative is that you are constantly lying to her or yourself. That is a lose-lose situation. On the other hand, it could open up a whole new life for you and your wife. It would give both of you a chance to explore your feelings about sex, fantasies, and your relationship in general. People are not always as conservative as you think they are, even the ones close to you. My TWIN sister once toId a guy not to tell me that he was gay because I wouldn't understand it and would have issues with it. Well, that guy and I have been best friends for 26 years, and I am currently dating a bi man. So, assume nothing. I think everybody has a desire to let their hair down sometimes and that can take many forms. Give her a chance to stand by you. You can't say for sure that she won't. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

I agree.

[stonebow]

Our sexuality is a big part of who we are and if we deny that we lie to ourselves. So what's the choice?...lie to ourselves or lie to others? Some would argue that lying to ourselves is lying to others. I think those we love deserve the truth and so I chose early to come out to both my ex and my current spouse. My ex said she was cool with it...but deep down she had a lot of issues with not only my sexuality but her own.

My present lady is bi as well so she totally relates. She helped me to accept and explore my bi side, for which I can't thank her enough. I'm not saying this will be the OP's experience....he knows his wife's attitudes and values and he'll have to gauge the risk for himself....but few things in life are without risk. I do believe the truth will out and sneaking around behind his wife's back is needless stress and potentially more damaging to the marriage than being forthcoming with her.... now before he's done anything about his urges.

Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

[DiamondDog]

If you care about her, you owe her the truth. I also agree with this you simply should tell whoever you're in a relationship with or even married/partnered to that you're bisexual. This is all the more reason why we should come out, and not be ashamed of our sexuality or stay hidden in a closet. The original poster should sit down with his wife and calmly tell her how he is bisexual. I've been out since I was a young teenager and people who I date or get into partnerships with know about my sexuality.

[philly_john]

It's an interesting question I've thought about, too. Is exploration worth the risk of the stress put on marriage, especially if the marriage is satisfying. For me, I found an outlet for my desire with porn and camming. No risk of diseases and less risk overall. I enjoy the time without the guilt and baggage. But to each their own.

[stonebow]

It's an interesting question I've thought about, too. Is exploration worth the risk of the stress put on marriage, especially if the marriage is satisfying. For me, I found an outlet for my desire with porn and camming. No risk of diseases and less risk overall. I enjoy the time without the guilt and baggage. But to each their own.

Well, it still begs the question does your wife know you are bi? If not there is still a danger she will someday find out. How will she react in that event? She may regard the cybersex as equivalent to cheating even though you don't see it that way. Discovering you're bi may be all the justification she needs to divorce your ass.