apologies

[m1steriousjo]

for having not posted in a while

some of you may be aware that my partner disclosed to me that he could be gay/bi in march. since then we have been working at our relationship and i thought things were going well i was prepared to discuss the idea of him needing an outlet for his desires but he said that he did not want to persue them . i have found out today by accident that he had arranged to meet up with a guy . am feeling very hurt by this i dont know what happened as he wont discuss it with me. dont know if we have a future if he cant be honest .

[deremarc]

I'm sorry to hear that. That is one thing that scares me, the dishonesty and then worrying that they will do something behind your back.

I hope that you two work through this.

I offered my husband the chance for a MMF or to meet up with a man a couple of months ago, and he said no. And then I found out that he had joined a site that is definitely to hook up for sex, all the while telling me he was not interested in that anymore.

I don't understand why they would feel the need to do something in secret, if their partner is being open and supportive. That makes no sense to me.

Truly sorry to hear what you're going through.
**hugs**

[m1steriousjo]

.

I don't understand why they would feel the need to do something in secret, if their partner is being open and supportive. That makes no sense to me.

**
this is the part have difficulty with . was being supportive am angry that he has lied would feel the same if was with another woman .

[arana]

Could it be there are more than bisexual feelings involved here and that fear festers more secrets? It sounds like there is something being left out in the conversations. If a man has full support of his woman, or vice versa for a bi-woman, it doesn't make sense to continue to sneak around unless there are other issues they are afraid to talk about. I hope things will work out. I'm sure it's a very frustrating and confusing time for you.

[Gleekybaby]

m1steriousjo im so so so sorry to hear this!!!

it makes me so sad that partners can hide / have secret meetings, i just dont understand it!

i really hope that this will work out for u both and that ur relationship with continue! i dont want to think that ud break up as that thort kills me inside, people breaking up due to bisexuality totaly breaks my heart!

i wish u all the best

your friend Gleeky

[deremarc]

Could it be there are more than bisexual feelings involved here and that fear festers more secrets? It sounds like there is something being left out in the conversations. If a man has full support of his woman, or vice versa for a bi-woman, it doesn't make sense to continue to sneak around unless there are other issues they are afraid to talk about. I hope things will work out. I'm sure it's a very frustrating and confusing time for you.


Arana, I am in the same situation. I think I am being supportive and open, but he is still lying. What would be left out of the conversations? How do you get them to be open and honest?

Do you think it is MY fear, that causes him to not talk?

[timsgfdmo]

I once chatted with bi man who told me he had told his wife he was bi. He said she was totally supportive and offered to help him by doing mmf if it helped him. Both him and here were hot looking and I so desperately wanted to do mmf with them. I have never lived out my fantasy of mmf. He was a top which was perfect but even so he said he did not want his wife to see him engage in sex with another man. He told me no because he thought it would rob him of his masculinity in her eyes. He told me he wanted to be with me but not with wife present. Was what he said bullshit? Who knows. Lying is epidemic in America. If he was telling the truth maybe this offers some insight for you.

[deremarc]

thanks....it does...i offered the mmf and was serious about it and couldn't figure out why he would say no...

i thought maybe since he's told me that his sexual experiences involved him being on the manly end of things (receiving head, him the penetrator on anal) that that maybe wasn't true....

that maybe he did more than he said, and didn't wnat me to see...

for some reason he doesn't want me to see or know

[timsgfdmo]

Dere,

Maybe even those top activities he does he does not want to share. Society sends awful messages about men wanting to have sex with men even for the tops. Maybe he is feeling turned on by men but angry or perplexed that he is turned on. He might just wish he did not have those feelings and was "normal". When most people discove masturbation they keep it secret as some kind of act that would get them in trouble or laughed at if known by parents or other kids.

[m1steriousjo]

i really dont what to believe at the moment all i know is hes lied. i was prepared to discuss what he felt he needed to satisfy his desires and he told me he didnt want that and it feels like a huge betrayal to find hes been arranging to meet up with a guy. i had accepted that maybe i wasnt enough to satisfy him and that hurt so much . i mean this is the guy i thought i was/am gonna spend the rest of my life with . we have a child together. how can i just walk away but on the other hand should i stay purely for our childs sake.

ive asked myself what would i do if if was another woman and the answer would be id have to walk away .

[timsgfdmo]

Jo,

The questions comes down to do you believe bisexuality is choice or genes? If it is genes is it his fault he has desires you cant meet? He has desires that he does need you to fulfill. If bi is genes can any one person satisfy all of that person's needs? It is a hard thng to come to terms with to realize you have those feelings. Sometimes it makes you do strange things.

[m1steriousjo]

i agree you cannot change who you are and nor would i want him to deny who he is.i respected the fact that he told he was bi i know this took alot of courage however i cannot deal with the dishonesty and the sneaking around. when you are in a long term relationship there has to honesty and trust . at this moment it feels like there is neither .

[timsgfdmo]

I am an outsider without the initimate knowledge of the situation you have but I think you need to try to find out why he is sneaking around. Us men are tought to be horrible communicators of our feelings. If we get our feelings hurt we are taught not to cry or show emotional pain but to instead strike out in anger at the person who made us feel this way. Men are awful communicators by in large about their feelings. Is he sneaking around because he feels ashamed and doesnt want you to see him that way? With time can he come to grips with his desires and not be ashamed of them. I am not saying that is why he is deceptive. It is a possibility.

[arana]

Jo, I do think he deserves the chance to explain himself. Let him know how you feel about the betrayal and ask why he felt he needed to lie to you. As Tim said, he could be embarrassed or a million other things going on in his head. Maybe he is feeling he is more gay then bi. Whatever the reason, you are in a relationship with him and you do deserve to know what is going on within it, especially when there is a child involved. I don't think you should stay because of your child but I do think people should try their best to be civil to one another for the child. They deserve both parents and to be able to see for themselves what their parents are or are not.

Good luck!

[arana]

Arana, I am in the same situation. I think I am being supportive and open, but he is still lying. What would be left out of the conversations? How do you get them to be open and honest?

Do you think it is MY fear, that causes him to not talk?
deremarc, I'm sorry you are in the same situation. You can't make someone be open and honest, but you can show them you love, support and would do whatever it takes to make things work with them. If they can't reciprocate then something is wrong. You can't have a good relationship with only one person communicating. All you can do is lay all your cards on the table, your feelings, fears, questions and ask that he be as honest with you. If he at least tries to communicate with you, then you have a chance. It's very hard to get into someone's head and know why they do things in a way that don't make sense to others. Past upbringing and experiences can play a part in how people convey themselves. I hope that you (and Jo) can get some answers and your relationships blossom from it.

[Diane54]

the only thing that would send me sneeking around would be the lack of support. But, also, I would not feel comfortable having sex with another woman in front of my hubby, even if he were to join in. I just couldn't do it. 3 way with someone else, yes. perhaps the same uncomfortableness is the problem. Or perhaps he is trying to control the feelings and can't. and is afraid to admit he can't control them, I can't but I search for another outlet than sneeking around.
I feel for you.

[biandu]

I once chatted with bi man who told me he had told his wife he was bi. He said she was totally supportive and offered to help him by doing mmf if it helped him. Both him and here were hot looking and I so desperately wanted to do mmf with them. I have never lived out my fantasy of mmf. He was a top which was perfect but even so he said he did not want his wife to see him engage in sex with another man. He told me no because he thought it would rob him of his masculinity in her eyes. He told me he wanted to be with me but not with wife present. Was what he said bullshit? Who knows. Lying is epidemic in America. If he was telling the truth maybe this offers some insight for you.


Actually I am intimately involved with a man.. he is bi and i am bi.. so i thought perfect right. Glitch in the plan.

Which i completely did not ever think i'd have to deal with a bi-man....he does not feel comfortable being with a man, or even discussing any bisexual acts, with me, at all, not even fantasizing.

When i've offered mmf.. he'd become silent. So i pressed him about it.. and finally he said. it.. he does not want me to see him be with a man.

He says, it feels too awkward for him... and he does not want me to see him in that way.

At first i was upset..because I So get turned on by two men who are into each other kissing and being into one another.

BUT then i stood back...I am into women... love women as well.. But I do NOT want to share that experience with a man. I love the fact that it is just a private intimate moment between me and my female lover.

I point out to him... it is two different reasons... I'm just greedy and selfish....
he on the other hand is self-conscious....

but he points out.... no matter the reason.. they are both valid and deserve the same respect.

points taken.. we agreed. We will be open... but explore separately.

before these issues came out.. there was a bit of lying going on... just to preserve the uncomfortableness of having to tell the other our feelings.


okay that's all i got for ya.. ... hope it helps a bit.

[taz67156]

deremarc, I'm sorry you are in the same situation. You can't make someone be open and honest, but you can show them you love, support and would do whatever it takes to make things work with them. If they can't reciprocate then something is wrong. You can't have a good relationship with only one person communicating. All you can do is lay all your cards on the table, your feelings, fears, questions and ask that he be as honest with you. If he at least tries to communicate with you, then you have a chance. It's very hard to get into someone's head and know why they do things in a way that don't make sense to others. Past upbringing and experiences can play a part in how people convey themselves. I hope that you (and Jo) can get some answers and your relationships blossom from it.


I agree with arana on this cause its true you both have to be able to talk not just one of you and the other say nothing it always takes two unless there is a problem thats not known about then it should at some point be found out about.
taz67156

[Avocado]

I'm sorry to hear. If I was in your position I'd be thinking 99% cheating's involved, but it's so frustrating you don't know for sure as then you could deal with it! You might want to keep further tabs on him without him knowing. If you catch him...

[m1steriousjo]

thankyou for your replies trying to take on board some of the advice . he still refuses or is unable to talk about what actually happened have laid it on the line either he is honest with me or i walk . because the uncertainity is messing with my head . i have tried and tried to be patient and understanding and would like to think im being supportive . i have found more messages in the last few days which tells me he is not listening to me about being honest

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs ya jo...lol

ok you have asked for honesty and thats fair enuf, you certainly have the right to ask for that, but i am gonna play the devils advorcate on this one

looking at things thru ya hubbys eyes, he has opened up about his sexuality and being honest on that.... but its very possible that he is not able to face his own actions with the other sites and the surfing for men
the other thing is he mentioned that he MAYBE bi/gay..... not that he IS.... he may be trying to find the borders for his sexuality BEFORE you and him sit down and talk about the next step

its not about being dishonest or avoiding the truth, its more about he knows he is doing it, you know he is doing it... but he fears that admitting to it, or sharing it with you, may change the relationship or his view of himself in the realtionship
one possible situation is that he wants to follow the bisexual drawing, but try and keep it totally outside of the relationship, as he may enjoy the idea of a full relationship with you and the idea of going outside the relationship, may cause him to become unstable in the relationship.... leading to the relationship crumbling and you two breaking up, so in his mind, if he doesn't talk to you about it, he keeps the relationship stable with you, but doesn't know how to express that to you

you have made the statement that either he tells you everything or you walk
but its pretty possible that making him tell you everything, may destroy the relationship anyway

[m1steriousjo]

you have made the statement that either he tells you everything or you walk
but its pretty possible that making him tell you everything, may destroy the relationship anyway


this is at the back of mind that yes him telling me everything may be the end of our relationship altho at the moment it doesnt feel like we have one . have asked him to stop arranging meet ups until he can tell me what it is he is looking for . i would support his desire/need to be with a man if he told me it was happening and not sneaking around behind myback . he was aware of this when he first disclosed his feelings to me . am i asking to much to expect him to tell me that he is meeting up with somone i dont expect all details . am frightening that he taking risks with his health and utimatly mine. am frightened because i have recently discovered that i am expecting our second child . altho my partner doesnt tho this as yet i need him to decide what he wants first and then any decisions can be made then.

[redheadedwench]

to m1sterious and dere, sorry that this is long-winded, but hope it helps a little. when i was first trying to come to terms w/being bi(and accepting it), my husband knew(we're very close and discuss everything), and i was sneeking around to websites(like the dating and hook-up ones). i wasn't lieing to him about it, but i wasn't telling him either(i know, it's pretty much the same as lieing). i thought about trying to meet someone in person, but i didn't have the guts to do so. and i really wasn't just wanting to meet up w/them for sex, mainly because i wanted to meet/talk to someone in the same situation as i. or to see for myself that there were others out there that were like me and that it was possible to live 'normally' that way. but also i wanted to see if i really was attracted to women too, or if it was just a 'passing fancy'. the main reason i didn't tell him was because i was scared and feeling guilty(and slightly dirty) because of my feelings. and if i was feeling this way about myself, how were others-including my husband, going to view me? even though he said he was ok w/it-seeing it happen, even just dating, could evoke all kinds of feelings/emotions. and i didn't want to hurt him or have him think less of me, especially if it was just a 'passing fancy'. when i found this site-it was a wonderous day!! even just lurking around and listening to what others have to say about experiences and their opinions have helped me so much.(i still need alot of work though-lol!) maybe you both could direct them to this site(maybe even w/not telling them that you're a member). tell them that you found it and thought that maybe they could find some answers or support that they need, the kind that you can't give them since you've not been in their situation before. :2cents: ((hugs!!)) :flag4: