Need Advice On Telling Family/Friends Im Bi

[Stormy Nights]

I need advice on how to tell my family and friends that I am bi. Any sensible advice is appreciated.

Thanks
Sam

[Realist]

Stormy, there are different trains of thought on this subject.

Many here prefer to tell only their most intimate friends and lovers. Others are happily out to the world. Then, there are many bisexuals who are extremely secretive and only feel comfortable telling no one. I think there are those who won't even admit their bisexuality to themselves!

There's several deeply held reasons for the way they conduct themselves.

Personally, I feel that no one, but my most trustworthy friends and lovers, need to know. I don't want to know about my family's sex life, so why should I reveal mine to them? As far as I'm concerned, everyone who NEEDS to know, does.

Many, here, have strong convictions on this subject, but I've lived my life in a way I'm most comfortable with. Everyone should do what they feel is right for them.

If you know your friends and family are accepting and, no one would react in a violent way, maybe disclosure would be best for you. I think only you know what is best, for your own particular situation.

Good luck!

[waughorama]

Honestly once you have decided that you are going to tell them, jsut do it. It is a lot more scary than that when you are waiting for a reaction. I have told a couple of friends already but, as you can read in another thread, I have yet to tell my wife because of the fear of a negative reaction.

[CurEUs_Male]

Openly and honestly. If 'Family' includes your wife, be sure to make it an intimate discussion, without tieing it to other things like a vacation - the stress can ruin that place/time for the future. A neutral spot with no specific significance.

Some say a little at a time, dropping hints and comments, but I find that to lead to uncertainty and a racing mind can be a very bad thing for others. Expect to have some tough questions come about. "How does that work?" was one from my brother (Gay, referring to how it works in my marriage), I still don't have an answer for him. The physical acts are private, if someone is so crass as to ask about your sex life, and you are not physically intimate with that person, just treat it that it is private information. Assuming you will be open and honest with your answers, they may get into a little shock, so be aware of it. They may need time to digest the information, be ready to give some time. They may want to know more about your newly discovered interest, be ready to share some. BRC.org has some great resources.

They may also assume you are gay and not ready to come out. Sad but true. Be prepared for some negative feedback, and social bias. If you find that they are accepting, it will be great, but if they are not, just be prepared for it.

Good luck.

Al

[Gearbox]

Tell them the reason why you want to tell them: "I need to tell you that I'm bi coz.........".
I personally won't being doing that until I can put an "....I want you to meet my male partner.", on the end of it. That partner will have to be a long term thing too.

What are your reasons?

[Stormy Nights]

Well my reason is that well, I just want them to know, I dont want to go around hiding this from my parents and other family and friends.

[fredtyg]

I'm one of those that believes no one should feel an obligation to out themselves to anyone unless they have a compelling need to know. Right along the same line as Realist. I do understand that some people feel the need to get things off their chest and have things out in the open.

Good luck with it and I hope it turns out well for you. For some it does, for others it doesn't.

[innaminka]

Honestly once you have decided that you are going to tell them, just do it.

If and when you decide to "come out" the quoted writer has it exactly right.
It is far better for you to be upfront than for "them" - whoever "them" might be, to inadvertently, stumble across something you - by omission - don't want known.

And don't forget - you are not confessing to a crime or sin. You are merely informing "them" - as a courtesy - that you are bi, gay, galloping calathumpian - whatever!
You haven't changed, or grown horns or anything. You are still you.

I also agree that you probably don't need to inform a lot of people: your close family, friends and immediate workmates is usually the limit for most.

[bisocialnudist]

Coming out isnt for everyone and there are a lot of concerns, job, family, community standards etc but it has been richly rewarding for me. I came out to the people who I thought would most likely support me first, kind of built a posse so if one of the coming outs went bad I could go back to my supporters and lick my wounds. Some use the all at once approach I used the tell a few see how it goes then some more it took 18 months to catch up, one thing being bi is the invisibility means we are always coming out. It really has been an amazingly good experience for me. I dont walk up to people and say hi Im a bisexual I usually wait for something in the conversation that leads into it, you would be surprised how many ways you can work it into a conversation. Like everything with experience it gets easier. Do remember its almost impossible to un-comeout so think it through. As for why I am out here are some but not all the reasons



I told my wife because I think she had a right to know and as my best friend we are in this journey together.
I told my kids because I didnt want it to take them 53 years like it took me to feel that if was ok to be a bisexual. A lot of my difficulties were caused because no one told me that being a bisexual was an acceptable lifestyle in 1978.
I tell others for the same reason I told my kids. If just one person decides its ok to be a bisexual and accepts themselves at the age of 28 instead of 48 Ive saved them 20 years of heartache.
I tell other like minded individuals because living life as married bisexual has personal challenges that sometimes I need a “me to and “I understand” how do we find eachother if one dosnt say Im one of you.
Being open validates to me Im no longer ashamed of who I am. If there is no shame in being bi I tell myself why should I care.
Many share the view of why bother including my counselor but as individuals we have different needs.
My wife accepts me but she doesn’t really understand why I would have any sort of struggles. At least a few other bisexuals do understand.
I am much happier just being myself.
I have told some who tell me I am the only bisexual they know, I hope by being a positive role model the next person they meet will be welcomed without stereotypes.
Being Bi is the core part of my being I no more have to share what happens in the privacy of the bedroom than straight couples do.


Hope something in here helps.

[Floridaguy4u]

My advice is do not tell anyone that you do not play with! It could mean the end of your relationship, maybe your job, maybe more. It is none of their business, period.
Because if you tell someone or they find out you can not take that information back. The two time I let others know it did not work out at all! It was a disaster! Being bi is not a crime or a sin
however, the other person or people may view it that way, and then you are F_ _ _ _ _. just my thoughts.

[Newly_Bi]

The hardest one for me was telling my wife because I didn't know how she was going to react. I just decided that this was going to be an important part of my life and I shouldn't have to hide who I am so I just told her and hoped for the best. Coming out in general was pretty easy for me. I told one of my female friends who I've known for years, she lives in another state and is going to move back here in a few months. My exact words to her were "oh by the way, I'm bi. When you come home, we should go out and find guys for each other." I was going to wait until New Years Day to "officially" come out but one night I got drunk with my buddies and the liquid courage made me say fuck it. I posted "I was going to wait until new years to post this, but I'm drunk so fuck it... I'M BI BITCHES" on my Facebook. The reaction was a LOT more positive than I was expecting. Just go for it and hope for the best :)

[Stormy Nights]

That is a funny story Newly_Bi and I am glad it worked out for you. I am unsure of how my grandparents will react to the news, as when i brought up the subject of same sex couples and the law allowing gay marriage they all said that its disgusting. :'(

[HenryDaniel]

Speaking for myself and wife , as far as we are concerned family/friends have no business knowing our sex lives.

[darkeyes]

I had the advantage of parents who raised my brother sister and I to be who we are, and who we wanted to be, and what.. not be knocked in2 a round hole like the square peg so many in our world seem to be. My grandad sussed me out and he the first I ever told.. or at least owned up to..... even tho my parents raised me to accept homosexuality and homosexuals, bisexuality and bisexuals without prejudice and just as valid and decent as heterosexuality and heterosexuals, I was still afraid of their reaction... I was only 14 after all... my grandad told me what he could see and he had no doubt they could also see in me and not to be so much of a wuss... it still took me a little time but I neednt have feared. They always accepted me for who and what I am. My mum still does, dad gaving died a couple of years ago.. coming out is never easy and can be much more difficult to family for reasons well understood.

However, in the end, if we r to b true 2 ourselves, no matter how our family think of bisexuality or homosexuality, we should be true 2 ourselves or neveer reach our full potential as human beings. But it is so difficult... we love and are loved in return, and being what we r often endangers the love we receive.. for some loss of that love, and even the threat is too much to bear for whatever reason. What we will gain is for each person to decide.. or lose. I ,would never condemn any who believe coming out would be too painful for themself and/or others. Never an easy decision in our world even tho it should be. Good luck to ya hun...

[Newly_Bi]

That is a funny story Newly_Bi and I am glad it worked out for you. I am unsure of how my grandparents will react to the news, as when i brought up the subject of same sex couples and the law allowing gay marriage they all said that its disgusting. :'(

Your grandparents are probably never going to be ok with it being from a different time and all. I had friends who, prior to me coming out, said that being LGBT was disgusting. Then when they found out I was bi they opened up to it. Knowing someone in the LGBT community really helps people get over themselves and start being accepting. In my experience anyway.

[csreef]

Its up to you to come out to your family or friends...If you are not comfortable with it, don't do it.

For me my family is very narrow-minded, and the town I live in is very bigoted . I have come out to a very small circle of friends, but that is it. The rest is up to you, choose wisely.

I did find a LGBT center 27 miles from where I live that has a BI support group, and that has meant a lot as far as being more open to others as to who I am.

Good luck !

[dndproperty]

I'll tell you something. My wife found it when I was on the other side of the country. I am in the forces and I was away on course when she found it. So as it's written here, make sure that would be a safe area. It is true that years help you to go over the way she learns it but it does stay in her mind.

Take your time, prepare her for this and respect her emotion and her words.

Good luck

[void()]

Speaking for myself and wife , as far as
we are concerned family/friends have no business knowing our sex
lives.

We feel much the same here. It really is not anyone else's concern
except for the lovers involved. Although, if asked maturely and
respectfully, no point lying. This all depends on the family member
and their views.

Remember, you can only control your response and views. Nothing you
say, do can alter the views, responses of other people. That noted,
if you set the example of living in compassion, integrity, decency,
then others may be persuaded to follow suit. Gentle streams wash away
mountains every day.

[Sar duzzo]

Closet queens like Hypersexual, void, and Realist will never be happy or out no matter where they live. Why don't you all join the Vatican? It's the world's biggest closet! Void is a paranoid schizophrenic and his claims that ignorant bigots will think that bisexuality=pederasty are founded on hate by people like Anita Bryant. Nobody has equated bisexuality or being LGBT with pederasty or other sick stuff he wrote about for decades. Of course the closet queens will claim that coming out as bisexual is telling people about your personal sex life when in reality it is not at all. FYI closet queens like Realist, Henry, and void who think they're being LMAO "Discreet" are anything but this and are way more out than a flaming queen is. I have lived in rural WV/VA, central PA and all over FL and in other states before moving to Southern CA and I was easily able to be out as bisexual in all places.

[void()]

Anita Bryant.

Who? Never heard of them.

And I recall you telling 12Volt to not play armchair psychologist. May
behoove you to practice what you preach. I have yet to be diagnosed
as you suggest. Thank you for your ever so much for your valued mental
health professional evaluation of me. It truly makes my day. Also,
it's so cute on you. They really ought to sell the color buffoon.

[biguy71]

If you feel like someone should know, then just tell them. If you don't, then don't tell them. It's really as simple as that. We all choose to reveal varying levels of our total identities, and not just our sexual orientations, to various people based on the relationships we have with those people. Anyone with whom you are in a serious relationship has a right to know about your sexual orientation, however. People who hide that sort of thing from their spouses or partners are being dishonest through an omission of truth. Being bisexual also isn't an acceptable justification for being unfaithful. If your significant other expects a monogamous relationship, then you should adhere to that or end the relationship.

[Stormy Nights]

Even if Void is a paranoid schizophrenic does it really matter? and I think i will tell my grandparents and dadd when i see them next, all together and then go hide while they think it over.

[void()]

Even if Void is a paranoid schizophrenic does it really matter? and I think i will tell my grandparents and dadd when i see them next, all together and then go hide while they think it over.

On one hand, I had to chuckle. Thank you for the courtesy and respect,
too. On the other hand, I had to hug you. It takes great courage to
open up as you plan on doing.

I chuckle because you state a valid truth. It does not matter what I
am, so long as I'm not a robot. Gave up trying to be one a few years
ago. Glad to be human, now.

Be well and safe, I wish for you to know the best in life.

[Stormy Nights]

Thank you Void :) as to you :)

[void()]

Tell them that you're bisexual. Ignore the closet queens who because of fear and being insecure about their own bisexuality claim that coming out is "telling people about your personal sex life" when in reality it is not. :rolleyes: Good luck everything will go fine.

Well yes, it in fact is "telling them your personal sex life", in
telling them you're bisexual. You are telling them you enjoy sex with
either gender. That is expressing your personal sex life to them.

A spade is a spade, is a spade. Still the same if you put a suit and
tie on it, a spade.

Again, this seems to be one of those "too obvious" things you seem
incapable of, or unwilling to comprehend. Not sure which it is on
your part. Do not really care to know.

Hope you have a good one.

[NEPHX]

Speaking for myself and wife , as far as we are concerned family/friends have no business knowing our sex lives.

Why is it that you (VOID & others) are giving this information or coming-out advise when the original poster clearly asked for advise on coming out not how or why she should not.

Always love the tired old lame closet-view excuse "it's no ones business knowing our sex lives?" A good counselor can possibly help you with that... it's not the reason you can't tell friends and family you consider yourself bisexual. But if it works for you, certainly go with it. I hope you don't have any LGBTQ kids. Of course, how would you know? Message loud and clear.

Those that chose to give advise on coming out when YOUR NOT OUT... really??? It's like describing an orgasm when you haven't yet had one.

[NEPHX]

Well yes, it in fact is "telling them your personal sex life", in
telling them you're bisexual. You are telling them you enjoy sex with
either gender. That is expressing your personal sex life to them.



No VOID... STOP PLEASE.....

One would be telling them that they self-identify their sexual orientation as bisexual. It does not mean they have had sex AT ALL with anyone EVER! Maybe they don't WANT TO HAVE SEX. Maybe they just like to cuddle. (Read "Best Little Boy in the World" (Andrew Tobias (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_2?ie=UTF8&field-author=Andrew+Tobias&search-alias=books&text=Andrew+Tobias&sort=relevancerank) as John Reid (http://www.amazon.com/John-Reid/e/B000AQ3ZY2/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1)) and "Best Little Boy in the World Grows Up" (Andrew Tobias)) as well as many other authors on the topic.

Here's a novel notion for "you": Would you say you are straight(or whatever) (self-identify) if you haven't had sex YET but say you are capable of being attracted to, can be romantic with and intimate in some way only with the different gender/sex? Oh, right darn... silly academic stuff. Apparently, you're talking out of a huge VOID in knowledge on the topic. 2393 posts and you haven't learned much. Making up one's own "stuff" based on nothing and then an spewing it out always a good plan. Clue: Nothing one DOES makes them anything - bi, gay, lesbian, str8 or otherwise. How one self-identifies is key. These are basic definitions in the study of human sexuality.

Clearly you are fairly clueless on the topic sexual orientation. But please, feel free to ignore the work of the entire academic community, studies and wealth of materials related to the topic going back many decades. We could have a book burning later. The louder and more often you say these kinds of baseless statements as in your quote, the more you prove your ignorance on the topic. But, that has been explained to you, it would seem, over and over again.

[Gearbox]

@Nephx - So should Void tell you if he's a vegetarian or not, even though neither of you have any intention of dining together or cooking for each other?:rolleyes:

[NEPHX]

@Nephx - So should Void tell you if he's a vegetarian or not, even though neither of you have any intention of dining together or cooking for each other?:rolleyes:

I think that's a poor analogy to my reply. It has no relevant reference to the point of discussion. But if someone told me he's vegetarian, I will know he's most likely not going to want to have steak (unless I get him drunk ;-) ) by definition.

By telling someone you're bisexual because YOU want them to know and share that because you are close to them its more than just about sex, it's about life, love, who they spend time with not talking about their sex life but talking about themselves.

[Gearbox]

I think that's a poor analogy to my reply. It has no relevant reference to the point of discussion. But if someone told me he's vegetarian, I will know he's most likely not going to want to have steak (unless I get him drunk ;-) ) by definition.

By telling someone you're bisexual because YOU want them to know and share that because you are close to them its more than just about sex, it's about life, love, who they spend time with not talking about their sex life but talking about themselves.
So you tell people who you have no intention of having sex with, dating, or discussing anything to do with sex or your love-life that you're bisexual coz........you can talk about your bisexual sex/love-life with them?:confused:

C'mon! You could at least throw in a "They might hook you up with a HOT bi couple they know.", etc.lol

[NEPHX]

It's no JUST about love life. It's about LIFE. If you were married, would you hide your wife? Of is that about sex. Relating this stuff to the str8 world always works best for me.

I think maybe you are missing the framework of the discussion... Or you're just tryin to get me riled up ;-). The discussion is about coming out to friends and family. It's about who I am at least. That might not be for everyone. But, at some point, many if not most find it is. Would be really hard to get married to a guy and hide that wouldn;t it. If you're gonna invite Aunty Flo, are you going to have sex with her???

I happen to be non-str8.... in fact bi. I personally don't want people to think I'm gay or str8. Specifically the original poster said: "I need advice on how to tell my family and friends that I am bi" Do you not see why someone would want to share that about themselves? Would you not want to know that say about your brother, sister or best friend (lets assume for a minute that you were str8).

I would probably NOT throw in about hot bi couple (hooking up is generally just about sex in my mind although I have "dated" couples - see poly - that's a bit more than the general population can understand and best kept close to the vest in my book) but maybe about hooking me up with a hot guy or girl to date in the same sentence. Is that about sex or is that about being bi and all that I say it means to me?

Do you understand the context in which the poster is asking? Yes... I have told my family, personal friends and others... when it might be relevant. Sometimes it's not, sometimes it is. I do volunteer work for a national organization and handle most LGBT related cases because I am out, the only LGBT person and that is what I can do for them. I won't be having sex with the management or the referrals either.... Same with high school volunteer stuff (omg yes I have kids too). It's pretty obvious if I were to bring a bf to a dinner party that I'm not straight and have no intention of having sex with the host (usually, but hey you never know - someday). Maybe I would bring a gf next time.... maybe both if we are in a triad. I could site endless examples.

And as for throwing in about the hot bi couple.. yes... in the right company most certainly :). But I just wanna cuddle :tongue:

;-)

[void()]

share that because you are close to them its more than just about sex, it's about life, love, who they spend time with not talking about their sex life but talking about themselves.

I understand that point, yet, what if you realize it can hurt those you're close to in knowing you're bisexual? Would you still desire being open, even it meant being disrespectful of someone you love as family?

[NEPHX]

That's pretty much an individual thing. I am NOT advocating married people telling their spouses if it would wreck a marriage but that's a different topic having long been debated.

The discussion is for someone that WANTS to come out or wants people close to them to know that part of them. It's a very important thing to most (even if we may not be able to understand or acknowledge it) if you are not already married (and even if you are). How much pain does it cause you when someone bases LGBT people in your presence? What if they knew YOU were bi and then come around thinking well, VOID Is cool, VOID is nice so it must be ok... (research shows to have huge impact). But again, this is just a discussion for people that find the desire to come out and share that piece of themselves. Kinda Zen-ish.. Each time you'll know it's time when it's the knowing time.

I'm not sure how something that deals with ME could be disrespectful of someone else (again marriage is different but I'm for openness in marriage/partners). On the contrary... I would feel disrespected if not accepted.

If you were single. And you were dating a male and you were serious... could you hide it? Would they find out some other way? I prefer "controlled re-entry" versus burning up in the ozone. "a time of my choosing so to speak. We're all on a path... some slow, some faster. Some don't need to go as far, some just observer from afar.

As in all things it depends on the situation. I can't imagine how I could hide say a male partner (lets say we're going to get married) from a person that I am close to... or a female partner. (this is my "friend"). If they are so hurt by that fact.... we aren't as close as we think we are. Conditional and unconditional love.... which do you prefer. And, then sometimes, we think it's much more of an issue than it really is (how many times has the reply "oh, I knew that for years, I'm glad you were finally able to tell me" from Mom's, Dad's, etc. been said!!)

There are many a book on coming out, discussions, examples, sad situations, awesome situations. All unique, all very personal ... but owned by the individual in my mind.

But we appear to be in different poles of the experience. I am out, it seems you are not. I've been there but only know how it was for me (some painful, some awesome, some lost friends(fundies), most overwhelmingly accepting), you've not been here. Maybe you have no desire, no need or no environment to do so. Someday, you might be compelled. You'll know if and/or when. Surely you've told someone.

[void()]

That's pretty much an individual thing. I am NOT
advocating married people telling their spouses if it would wreck a
marriage but that's a different topic having long been debated.

The discussion is for someone that WANTS to come out or wants people
close to them to know that part of them. It's a very important thing
to most (even if we may not be able to understand or acknowledge it)
if you are not already married (and even if you are). How much pain
does it cause you when someone bases LGBT people in your presence? What
if they knew YOU were bi and then come around thinking well, VOID Is
cool, VOID is nice so it must be ok... (research shows to have huge
impact). But again, this is just a discussion for people that find
the desire to come out and share that piece of themselves. Kinda
Zen-ish.. Each time you'll know it's time when it's the knowing time.

I'm not sure how something that deals with ME could be disrespectful
of someone else (again marriage is different but I'm for openness in
marriage/partners). On the contrary... I would feel disrespected if
not accepted.

If you were single. And you were dating a male and you were
serious... could you hide it? Would they find out some other way? I
prefer "controlled re-entry" versus burning up in the ozone. "a time
of my choosing so to speak. We're all on a path... some slow, some
faster. Some don't need to go as far, some just observer from afar.

As in all things it depends on the situation. I can't imagine how I
could hide say a male partner (lets say we're going to get married)
from a person that I am close to... or a female partner. (this is my
"friend"). If they are so hurt by that fact.... we aren't as close
as we think we are. Conditional and unconditional love.... which do
you prefer. And, then sometimes, we think it's much more of an issue
than it really is (how many times has the reply "oh, I knew that for
years, I'm glad you were finally able to tell me" from Mom's, Dad's,
etc. been said!!)

There are many a book on coming out, discussions, examples, sad
situations, awesome situations. All unique, all very personal ... but
owned by the individual in my mind.

But we appear to be in different poles of the experience. I am out,
it seems you are not. I've been there but only know how it was
for me (some painful, some awesome, some lost friends(fundies),
most overwhelmingly accepting), you've not been here. Maybe you
have no desire, no need or no environment to do so. Someday, you
might be compelled. You'll know if and/or when. Surely you've told
someone.

"Each time you'll know it's time when it's the knowing time."

Yes, those whom I outed myself to, I knew it was time and knew they
were accepting or at least capable of being mature and not hating.

" And, then sometimes, we think it's much more of an issue than it
really is (how many times has the reply "oh, I knew that for years,
I'm glad you were finally able to tell me" from Mom's, Dad's,
etc. been said!!)"

Upon moving out to get married, told my mother. Come to find out
she too enjoys both sides at times. She said she had suspected but
respected me enough to know, if I felt she ought to know, I would
tell her.

What floored me was her asking years later if I was bisexual due to
her now deceased third husband molesting me sexually. I answered her
honestly and quite bluntly. Said he would have been dead sooner if
he had ever tried anything like that. As far as aware, I have been
bisexual all my life. Puzzles me at times everyone isn't, but then
again I don't go pushing anyone to be anyone but themselves.

"But we appear to be in different poles of the experience. I am out,
it seems you are not."

I am not as out as you, this is true. I am not a public billboard. Yes,
I share a good bit here and in other online venues. I am selective
though. I like respecting family, self, others. Really not seeing
how one aspect of this is better or worse. What works for one does
not work for another, each manages their own best.

For myself it is a matter of those whom need know, do, those whom
really do not need know, don't.

Well, nice to chat. I'm ahead in my writing for a few days. Think
I'm taking a bit of family time.

[void()]

Just because you say you are bisexual that does not mean you're telling about your sex life or telling some huge secret or silly "taboo" that nobody should know about except for a select few people. It's not as though by coming out as bisexual you are telling people what exactly you like to do sexually, such as specific sex acts, or which sex acts do not enjoy with women and men anymore than when someone who is heterosexual or straight says what they are into and not into doing sexually with the opposite gender when they say how they are hetero/straight. The more people who come out as bisexual the more LGBT people, and bisexual people will be accepted and we will get rights and freedoms. Of course if you want to stay locked in your closet because of unfounded phobias, fears, and mental illnesses that's your choice void but there's no need to do this as you're not in Jamaica or Iran where LGBT people are in a lot of danger. NEPHX-Just ignore Void and the other closet queens on here they stay locked in their closets out of shame, guilt, fear, etc. and of course they all use the same old untrue bullshit excuse of "Telling someone you are bisexual and coming out is telling your personal sex life to them!!!" when it is not. No you would not have. You would be a kid or teenager and afraid that he would have hypothetically killed you, or hurt your mother. So somehow coming out as bisexual to other people is "telling them about your sex life" but it's OK to only tell your wife and mom. :rolleyes:

To each their own. What part of that you not comprehending? Is it too simple?

[Gearbox]

It's no JUST about love life. It's about LIFE. If you were married, would you hide your wife? Of is that about sex. Relating this stuff to the str8 world always works best for me.

I think maybe you are missing the framework of the discussion... Or you're just tryin to get me riled up ;-). The discussion is about coming out to friends and family. It's about who I am at least. That might not be for everyone. But, at some point, many if not most find it is. Would be really hard to get married to a guy and hide that wouldn;t it. If you're gonna invite Aunty Flo, are you going to have sex with her???

I happen to be non-str8.... in fact bi. I personally don't want people to think I'm gay or str8. Specifically the original poster said: "I need advice on how to tell my family and friends that I am bi" Do you not see why someone would want to share that about themselves? Would you not want to know that say about your brother, sister or best friend (lets assume for a minute that you were str8).

I would probably NOT throw in about hot bi couple (hooking up is generally just about sex in my mind although I have "dated" couples - see poly - that's a bit more than the general population can understand and best kept close to the vest in my book) but maybe about hooking me up with a hot guy or girl to date in the same sentence. Is that about sex or is that about being bi and all that I say it means to me?

Do you understand the context in which the poster is asking? Yes... I have told my family, personal friends and others... when it might be relevant. Sometimes it's not, sometimes it is. I do volunteer work for a national organization and handle most LGBT related cases because I am out, the only LGBT person and that is what I can do for them. I won't be having sex with the management or the referrals either.... Same with high school volunteer stuff (omg yes I have kids too). It's pretty obvious if I were to bring a bf to a dinner party that I'm not straight and have no intention of having sex with the host (usually, but hey you never know - someday). Maybe I would bring a gf next time.... maybe both if we are in a triad. I could site endless examples.

And as for throwing in about the hot bi couple.. yes... in the right company most certainly :). But I just wanna cuddle :tongue:

;-)
Yes having a practical reason to 'come out' is lovely, but this "It's about life.",thing isn't practical is it?:bigrin: When the OP says that his reason for 'coming out' is to let people know he's bisexual..........so they can what? Know how he likes his tea? What he'd like for his birthday?lol He may get some blokes hitting on him due to it, but not many women I betcha.
But he'd most def get mistaken for a walking bisexual Advice Bureau, or more specifically - a walking 'lost soul to be saved' by all & any bar other bi's.:rolleyes:

This whole 'coming out' lark is lost on many bi's coz when you are out to yourself and all those who NEED to know.....why have a song & dance?

[tenni]

NEPHX
I think that there seems to be a few variations of bisexuality. You seem to refer to sexual orientation and separate it from behaviour. You are not incorrect that it is our attraction that we self identify with. However, if our behaviour indicates a need to have sex with both genders but you self identify as heterosexual, are you really a heterosexual? I don’t think so.

Attraction for bisexuals seems to differ from monosexuals. Gay and heterosexual monosexual people do not separate sexual attraction from emotional attraction as a trait of self identifying. Yet, many bisexuals do self identify as to whether they are emotionally and physically attracted to both genders. Those that are only sexually attracted to same gender find it difficult to self identify as bisexual. There is a cognitive dissonance that monosexuals do not seem to struggle with.

I think that makes us different from monosexuals. It adds layers to our life and behaviour. As a bisexual man who is both physically and emotionally attracted to both genders over time, I have come to believe that my behaviour is a key aspect of my sexual orientation. I know that I am attracted to both genders over my lifetime. I know that I will be sexual with both genders based on my past behaviour. I’ve been in love with many women and some men. My physical and emotional attraction is fluid. That makes my behaviour as an indicator of my sexual orientation. Time has been a major factor. For you your orientation does not seem to factor your behaviour. For me, it does. That I know. That is what makes me bisexual.


If the OP feels the need to share his sexual orientation but knows that the person will react in a hostile manner based on their past behaviour, that is a problem. I agree with those that say wait and tell on a need to know basis. If you are not having sex with them and you do not have a same sex person that you wish to do public displays of affection with, why announce what you are not doing? '

There is perhaps a better way and less setting yourself up for personal rejection. Let these grandparents know in a brief casual manner that you support same sex marriage. …not gay marriage ..not those words. That sets up a point of discussion and inclusiveness of the option to discuss bisexuality. Support the belief without stating that you are bisexual. If they reject you for even believing in bisexuality in the abstract, there is a likelihood that they will become emotionally stressed etc. Educate your grandparents as I sense that they will see you as gay and not bisexual if you simply tell them that you are bisexual.

[NEPHX]

tenni


1. Lets just put this definition out here:


DEFINITION OF BISEXUALITY: I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted - romantically and/or sexually - to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree. ~ from “Selected Quotes (http://www.robynochs.com/writing/quotes.html)” by Robyn Ochs (http://robynochs.tumblr.com/)



2. Secondly, found in most academic research and the consensus in the academic/research/mental health community that "no behavior(s) make a person anything" You can research it, I've been hearing & reading that specific idea for many years from the experts in the field.




You seem to refer to sexual orientation and separate it from behaviour (sic)."


It can be from the definition that I prefer as shown above (not the "and/or"). One is what they say and believe they are. Best not to label someone else. I fall back on research and academically held definitions - i.e. the experts.



However, if our behaviour (sic). indicates a need to have sex with both genders but you self identify as heterosexual, are you really a heterosexual? I don’t think so.

Well, last I checked you are unpublished, untrained and know little of the research on the topic. So, you will pardon my skipping your beliefs for the researchers on the topic.:confused:

See defintion of Men that have Sex with Men (and identify as something else). Wiki:



"Men who have sex with men (MSM), also known as males who have sex with males, are male persons who engage in sexual activity with members of the same sex, regardless of how they identify themselves; many men do not (or cannot for other reasons) sexually identify as gay, homosexual or bisexual. The term was created in the 1990s by epidemiologists in order to study the spread of disease among men who have sex with men, regardless of identity."



You will find a common thread that you choose to ignore that runs through most respected work in the field: "SELF-IDENTIFY" Also, MSM is now very common in the world of human sexuality going back to the 90s.

You appear to choose to self-identify as bisexual as stated in your post. I will accept therefore that you are what you say you are. But, YOU don't get to label others based on what you wish/believe/etc....Let them be the decision makers and make their choice.

We both might believe another person is best suited to use a particular label but it's truly their business. Please do try to READ some of the tons of ACADEMIC research on human sexuality you will find this is consensus. I know pesky academic researchers... Dang them to hell. We could just read "Human Sexuality 101 by tenni" when it's publish.



" Gay and heterosexual monosexual (sic) people do not separate sexual attraction from emotional attraction as a trait of self identifying. "

You do not/can not know that.... did you ask every one of "them" (where ever did you find the time?) How is it then, that you can make that generalization?



As a bisexual man who is both physically and emotionally attracted to both genders over time, I have come to believe that my behaviour (sic).is a key aspect of my sexual orientation. That makes my behaviour (sic).as an indicator of my sexual orientation. .... For me, it does. That I know. That is what makes me bisexual.


So if your behavior were monogamous and you married a women and never had sexual behaviors with a male, would you still be bisexual (attracted to some males in someway as well as some women)?? I did always and I would still.

You self-identify as bisexual based on your own personal reasons.

I chose this definition again... I might never be sexual .. or I might never be romantic whatever combination(s).



"potential to be attracted - romantically and/or sexually"



I was always bi even before I had "sexual behavior" with a male.



Am I still a straight male if I have not had sex with anyone (maybe never will for some reason - live alone on an island) but have no attraction to men) or am I nothing... no orientation?

This is a logic trap often used when someone insists that behavior dictates orientation. It does not in itself. You can counter with every permutation but again, I defer to the experts on the topic. You can have orientation without behavior. Perhaps, as in your case, behavior reinforces your attractions and therefore your self-identification of your orientation.

And not to be insensitive but "any port in a storm" behavior (think prison) does not make someone self-identify as bi or gay. If one ONLY has access to males as a male and ONLY has sexual behavior with men, does that make them gay or bi or whatever?? So saying a certain behavior makes someone something is just as invalid. Logic trap sprung. There are MANY well respected books that go into great detail on this topic.




If the OP feels the need to share his sexual orientation but knows that the person will react in a hostile manner based on their past behaviour(sic)., that is a problem. I agree with those that say wait and tell on a need to know basis. If you are not having sex with them and you do not have a same sex person that you wish to do public displays of affection with, why announce what you are not doing? '



Why would you care? They WANT the other person to know they will be dating, and perhaps romantically involved, with both more than one gender (see what I did there?). They asked how do I do it.... not should I do it.



There is perhaps a better way and less setting yourself up for personal rejection. Let these grandparents know in a brief casual manner that you support same sex marriage. …not gay marriage ..not those words. That sets up a point of discussion and inclusiveness of the option to discuss bisexuality. Support the belief without stating that you are bisexual. If they reject you for even believing in bisexuality in the abstract, there is a likelihood that they will become emotionally stressed etc. Educate your grandparents as I sense that they will see you as gay and not bisexual if you simply tell them that you are bisexual.


Well, they did ask for advice but asked most specifically



"I need advice on how to tell my family and friends that I am bi. Any sensible advice is appreciated."



(operative words are "sensible" and "on how to tell" which denotes planning to do so not IF).

I'm not sure what part of that simple sentence you struggle with. She didn't ask "how do I beat around the bush until I'm 58 and bitter" :tongue:

She didn't ask how she could support the idea without stating she is bisexual but how to say she is bisexual possibily regardless of the consequences - unqualified. Yet, you seem to need to qualify it for her.

Perhaps your advice will help ease it eventually but, the reaction to non-support of same sex attractions/bi attractions is often different when it is a loved one and when that love one opens our minds.


The OP is 29 not late 50's. Times are far different.
Same-sex marriage is legal in so many states (in USA) and other countries across the world that it's hard to keep score anymore.
OP is also a women not a man. FAR different perceptions of her than of a male in your time (or even now).
OP lives in NZ not the Bible belt of the USA (But yiks tenni, you live in CA, not sure how much better it gets than that)

[chtampa]

I need advice on how to tell my family and friends that I am bi. Any sensible advice is appreciated.

Thanks
Sam


I have never had a conversation with anyone about being heterosexual, so why have one about being bisexual? Why does a sexual preference have to define you? What is next, oral sex confessions, and anal sex confessions? I would hope that someone elses acceptance of something you like would not have an important effect on your emotional well being. I did tell a few people that I liked Ford's rather than Chevrolet's. It did not make me "like" myself any more! Sexual tastes are really a non-issue unless you are wanting the other person to drop their shorts for you. Who my dick gets hard for is really only my business!

I would rather know you as "Sam", not as "that bisexual girl"!

[tenni]

Nephx
"Well, last I checked you are unpublished, untrained and know little of the research on the topic."

And you know this based on what information? You do not know my name to look up whether I am published or what I am published in etc. (I am educated in psychology ..developmental psychology more specifically and not sexuality).

What are you qualifications?

Basically, I don't disagree with Och nor you. Behaviour does indicate and is used to identify traits as well as conditions. Self identifying as heterosexual with a behaviour pattern of having many same sex relationships on the down low is a contradiction and dissonant. The MSM term has been found to be suspected faulty research. Those studies have been found to have questionable scientific structure on how the data was collected and interpreted. The conclusions have been questioned to have created false data on bisexual men and negative towards bisexual men. In some respects the MSM research was Bi erasure by failing to distinguish between gay men and bisexual men. This came about as part of a review this past year but the term MSM was not specifically referred to as far as I can tell. I don't have access to the journals..just the summaries.

As far as this being a different era where same sex activity is more tolerated, yes it is but there are signs of reversals of tolerance as well. I live in a society that has had same sex marriage for about eight years. It appears to irreversible but there are other signs indicating some back sliding. Young people do seem more open but the OP is referring to intolerant grandparents as I recall.

I may get back to you on your other points although some seem hostile.

[tenni]

What does Ochs state about the dissonance of self identifying a sexuality compared to dissonant behaviour? This was pointed out in a study of MSM in a latin country. The society was deeply entrenched in maschimo to the point that almost all of the subjects with HIV self identified as bisexual. Their behaviour indicated that most had never had sex with a woman nor desired to have sex with a woman. Maschimo was so entrenched that gay men would not identify as gay when their behaviour was clearly not heterosexual in any way. The closest that they came to self identifying was bisexual and yet no desire for sex with a woman. That was in a section of the analysis of the study results.

[tenni]

A few more points for Nephx

1/ What is your "sensible" advice to stormy on how to come out to her family? Did I miss that in your posts?

2/ Ochs statement about how she is aware that she call herself a bisexual based on her potential to be attracted to people of more than one gender/sex. She does not state how scientifically she comes to this conclusion. She is using self exploring and is known for collecting "stories" of sexual identity. She has examined these reports and comes to conclusion based on her self disclosing stories. Academic and scientific research do not accept self identifying as a determining factor for all studies. Self disclosure studies like Ochs has used have some validity and some weakness. Studies examining sexuality sexual arousal do use self disclosure and that works in certain areas of research but not other areas. There are tools (measuring devices) used to determine sexual arousal. There are studies where these devices were used to determine which gender the subject is sexually aroused by images and video showing sexual activity. There has been some debate about the validity of these tools (penis arousal, eye pupil etc.) Ochs method of self identifying is generally accepted as non scientific reports but contradicts evidence/ facts when the subject is in denial of their sexuality like the South American latino male subjects.

None of this has much to do with the OP request but is an interesting aside. "Sensible" advice was given on disclosure with "sensible" cautions. For his own reasons, Nephx objects to these sensible suggestions.