My boyfriend is bisexual, and his "fetish" hurts me emotionally

[Required]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now. We agreed that we're probably have been "made" for each other.
I loved him to death, and I loved the fact that he seems to love and cares about me the same way.

He told me that he believes he's bisexual several months ago, and the news shook me inside, but I pretended to be 100% okay with it.
I truly care about him, and wanted our relationship to last. I do really wanted to learn more about his bisexuality; I do wanted to have a conversation about it, and we did, but it has never been a comfortable one, or a fully one. He would always get so moody when I asked questions, and he would claimed that I was being doubtful about his faithfulness.

Months later, the news sank in, and I was starting to accept the idea of him being a bisexual, and forgetting about how much it matters to me even. However, a few weeks ago, he told me about his "Transgender fetish". He believes he's bisexual because he has feelings for pre-operation transgender. He wouldn't mind having a sexual affair with a woman that have penis. It is his fetish, he said.

He said that it doesn't matter if I am against or doesn't like his fetish side :/ because to him, gender shouldn't be everything, and that people should never judge people by their sexual orientation, (which I agree toward some degree, and i did try my best to stay open-minded) but when he said that gender doesn't matter to him, my heart was crushed into pieces.

I tried to be supportive, but I am dying inside. It might sound so childish, and i'm not a homophobia, but this really breaks my heart [for some reason]. I guess... the whole thing is too much for me to handle.

I guess... the reason why I'm getting so worked up about it ... well.. i don't know how to fully describe it, but one thing I know for sure is that I am overwhelming.

I did try to ensure if he actually is a bisexual since he never has done anything with a man. The answer I got was, "Yes, because I am also attracted to men who pretends to be a women."

It hurts. It really is. I don't know the REAL reason why I am not okay with this kind of fetish, or maybe i'm trying not think about it as if its already killing me inside knowing about it alone.

I must admit that I do see him differently, and the news is scaring/ worrying me. Yes, I do love him, he was the only main reason I smile and he's the reason why I pushed myself through the past years because I know that I am somewhat his motivation too, but the day he told me that, I felt like everything is gone, my motivation, my life...

I'm probably sounding so dramatic right now, but please try to climb on my skin and walk around it for a bit.
I'm also apologizing in advance if I had offending anyone, it is not my intention to offend anyone in any ways.

[tenni]

Hi
First, if your b/f told you just recently that he “thinks” that he is bisexual, he is more likely confused and very self conscious about it all. For a lot of men, this gets to the core of their masculinity and they need to figure it out and still feel like “da man”.


It is good that you are talking but be aware that he may not have many answers for you. Why not direct him here or shybiguy if that confusion and shyness factor seems to be more like him. This site has become rather salacious and raunchy for someone who is uncertain.


Being attracted to a transexual in transition is common to more men who are really pansexuals imo. I don’t think that transexuals like to be thought of as a “fetish” though. He needs to learn this. These people are women who often dislike their penis..unlike what porn shows. Unlike " she male" porn, many m2f transexuals no longer get erections if they are on hormone treatment. He may just be fascinated with the “porn” aspect. Does he watch a lot of “she male” porn? Does he feel that he has become addicted to this type of porn? Does he fantasize about being penetrated by a male to female transexual? Would he like you to penetrate him by using a strap on? Does he fantasize about sucking dick of a person with breasts? (he may not have answers to these questions..yet)


I think that you should let him know that you are confused about his attractions and are trying to understand just like he is. You need to be re assured that he loves you and wants you sexually. He may have to be told that as he may be so focused on his own confusion. You can support him but the unknown question is how far can you support him?


Many discussions and question will arise. Eventually, he will want to “try it”. Presently, he seems not as focused on having sex with CISmen(those born male genitals and identify as male). You don’t write about his attraction to men who look and act like men.

One long term thought is that if you love him and want to support him you will want him to be happy. You and he are not really ready to figure out exactly what will make each other happy.

You are not being dramatic. You are confused and so is he. His answers may change over time as he becomes more aware and comfortable. Your thoughts and what you feel that you can accept may change. You are being wise not to rush anything or decisions at this point.

[Required]

Thank you so much for your reply, it does really help me understanding the feelings on both ends. I am still confuse as ever, and the whole thing is having a negative impact on my daily life. But again, thank you.

[curious1974]

Hi, one thing I would still be happy about, is that he loves you. I think that being bisexual only multiplies your dating and relationship prospects by two. And, if he's attracted to both sexes but still chose to be with you, then don't let that hurt you. So, instead of only being attracted to some of the world's 3 or so billion women, he could possibly now be attracted to some of the world's 7 or so billion people, how much more should that hurt? I don't think any at all. I may be missing the point of your dilemma altogether and I apologize. In any relationship that I am in, I'm fine with that person being attracted to whoever she wants. It won't hurt me. But, if she acts on it and cheats, then ... game over. He shouldn't get defensive about your questioning. But, is he perhaps reacting to the manner in which the conversation comes up? Good luck my friend :)

[Gearbox]

.....but when he said that gender doesn't matter to him, my heart was crushed into pieces.
But why is that? What does that mean to you?

[Required]

No, I appreciate your honest comment.
The reason why I get so worked up about is not majorly on his sexual orientation, like mentioned/ implied above on my original post. But, if I did, or sounded like I am, its probably because I am scared that I am with someone that can be with- not only about half the earth population, but every human being in the population. I guess you can say that I wanted him to be mine forever, and the fact that he is- unlike the other straight male- able to be with both gender is worrying me.

However, if it was actually my main concern, then I wouldn't be still with him two years later, wouldn't I?
What really brought me here is to get different opinions and to understand more about his interest as a male toward the female with a male genital. I am still coping, and still adjusting to this idea. It's harder because I've never expected my man to have this sexual interest.

And regards to the manner of the conversation we were in, I am positive that I handled it by being aware of the sensitivity of the topic. I wouldn't still confused about the whole situation and come to this site in the first place- if I didn't care about his feelings. I'd keep asking him in a demanding manners which can leads to a relationship clash, but I stopped before things get worst, and tried to resolve my curiosity, and confusion by burying in inside, even now. Hence, that's why I am here to get different point of view and advices to handle the situation in the best way possible.

[curious1974]

Do you think he would be open to some sort of couples or relationship counseling if it helps him feel more comfortable talking about it without feeling defensive?

[Long Duck Dong]

hi required and welcome to the site......

ok, lets see if we can help you with some of the confusion......

when your partner says that gender does not matter to him.... your partner may be gender blind, .in simple terms, he may not be seeing a woman, a trans, intersex, shemale..... he sees a person that he can be sexual and intimate with.... and its hard to explain that in simple terms to a person as it requires a person to using defining terms for people when the person does not define them differently according to different terms and labels......

people that are gender blind, tend to develop a connection to a person, it is how they define their partners from people they can have casual sex with.... and they are more likely to think of you in terms as their partner and companion rather than girlfriend, fiancee, wife and other gender related terms.... trust me, gender blind people are not devaluing you if they see you as a partner and companion, they are seeing you as a complete deal, a GF is the same as a fiancee or wife to them, rather than the way that some people can see a wife as more to them than a gf or fiancee because they use defining terms for people

when your partner is saying to you that gender or sexuality should not matter, it can be a way of saying that he is not really seeing the differences in people that other people may do..... you may be seeing a male with a female partner, attracted to a trans person.... your partner may be seeing the person they love and are intimate with and have a long lasting connection with and the person they feel a stronger but short lived attraction to ( the trans person ).....

he is using the term fetish as a way of defining his attraction to trans people, rather than defining them as a fetish, as it can help him seperate the attractions easier when talking with you but that creates a issue where he is using terms that may have a different meaning to you than they do to him.......

you want to understand him, then its easier to try and relate to what he is seeing in his own mind, so if you are ok with this, try sitting with him and surfing she male sites and listen to him talk about what he finds attractive, interesting and why...... its not really any different to watching a move and talking about who you find attractive in the move and why......

the hard part for you both, is when people talk, they are trying to discuss and explain how they are thinking and feeling.... and yes as you say yourself, you are not really sure why you are feeling and thinking the way you are, but you are trying to understand how it works so you can talk with your partner better...... and yes, he is trying to do the same thing and finding the same issues........

a bisexual can be attracted to more than two genders but that opens a can of worms... as many bisexuals can be attracted to trans, intersex and gender queer ( they blur the gender lines ) and that can be said to be pansexual more than bisexual...... but it can become a sticking point as people try to make sure that people fit into the *right * category * of sexuality and attraction.... so trying to define your partners sexuality by who he has had sex with, is not really a good move....

I am pansexual but I use the term bisexual just because its easier for people to relate to and yes I am also gender blind.... a feminine male, a masculine female, a trans person and a * by the book * male and female, are all people that I can feel the same attraction to and I would struggle to define them according to their individual gender aspects..... but I would love them and treat them the same as any partner rather than as a GF or BF.....

lol yes I could be with the worlds population if I wanted to if it was a purely sexual thing... but when it comes to attraction and interest in a person then the field is narrowed down.....and its broken down further in terms of people I would be interested in connecting with and being with as a partner / companion.... so yes my partner for me, is valuable, special and very much loved....

now you will understand this... your partner can bring out aspects of you in ways that a stranger may not be able to or a friend can not, your partner has you feeling things that other people may not...... and its the same for him, a trans person can bring out a aspect of him that you may not be able to but it has a lot to do with the fact that he is connecting with them on a level that defers to the way he connects with you...... and its like with friends and partners, we do not always feel the attraction to our friends that we do with a potential partner.... your partners attraction to trans people can be more than just sexual, it can be a emotional and mental reaction as well,... in the same way that his attraction to you is different to anything a trans person may be able to bring out in him.....

so, my dear, while you are seeing a female with a penis, you may not be feeling the draw and attraction that your partner is.... but in the same way, you are feeling the attraction and draw to your partner and not seeing him in terms of a male with a nice cock..... and that is the key to understanding a lot of people and their sexuality... use our own understanding of ourselves as a guide as there is not really that much difference in how we think, feel and live our lives.... and attraction, interest and desire may be different for each person, but it works in the same way for most people

[tenni]

“I am scared that I am with someone that can be with- not only about half the earth population, but every human being in the population. I guess you can say that I wanted him to be mine forever, and the fact that he is- unlike the other straight male- able to be with both gender is worrying me. “


OK. If we examine the above statement and your thoughts. If he were not pansexual but heterosexual he would be attracted to half the world (women). But you are heterosexual and are you attracted to all men(say half the world)? No, you are not attracted to every man with a penis. There are other factors. Similarly, although a bisexual is capable of being attracted to men and women he may not be attracted to every one of both genders.

You wanted him to be yours forever. This is something that needs some thought. He can be your’s but in what sense do you expect him to be yours? Are you referring to him as a possession when you say you want him to be yours forever? Do you mean that you want him in your life forever? He may be in your life forever but not be a possession of yours. You want to spend time with him but probably not every waking minute within your sight? Because he is bisexual doesn’t mean that he may not be monogamous. He may. Some bisexual men are but in all fairness many are not happy with that type of sexual relationship so the possession idea needs some thought. Compare your views of him being yours forever to I love him and want him to be happy. Because I love him, I will accept that he needs to be with others that I can not physically provide him with sexual actions that make him happy.

[Backdoorman]

There’s nothing wrong with fetishes in themselves. However, your boyfriend might feel inconvenienced when he can’t experience arousal without his fetish-object. It also might happen that his fetish is deep down incompatible with your partner’s sexual preferences. Finally, you may find that his specific fetishes make you feel uncomfortable, unethical or upset. A non-judgmental, sex-positive therapist should be able to talk people about these issues. Curious1974 might be right.

As with all fantasies, discussing fetishes with a partner may make some people nervous. As long as you are communicative and safe try and discuss the fetish maybe you might have a fetish so think hard and explore and enjoy life. If things don't work out then they don't work out and there are plenty of friends you can connect with in the world.

[cbb83]

Unless I missed something in the thread, it's entirely possible that your boyfriend may be monogamous with you, and as you wished, "yours forever". He may look at some porn every now and then, but meh - who cares? Bisexual does not necessarily mean not being monogamous. If he's unwilling to be monogamous and you want monogamy - your relationship is doomed regardless of whether he wants to hook up with a man, a woman, a tranny, intersex... what have you.

You guys need to have a serious chat. Maybe he's not ready to commit to someone right now.

[Heloisea3]

I think that part of the reason this is so difficult for you is that you are a heterosexual female. Females find it much more difficult to separate sex from emotion. I think the majority of females in your shoes would feel as if they are "lacking" somehow or as if they are "not enough." There is the fear that where the body goes, the heart follows. This is particularly true when you have been in a relationship for a while. This can be difficult to overcome. Our fears reinforce our insecurities. This is not necessarily true of all women, but I would say that it is true of the majority. I think the most important thing you can do is to insist on having a very open discussion about what each of you expect and can REALISTICALLY do to meet both of your needs. If this is something that you can't discuss openly, it is going to cause more issues later. You said that you "pretended to be 100% okay" with the fact that he is a bisexual. That is not fair to him or you. You can't just tell him what you think he wants to hear. You are setting your relationship up for disaster. He deserves the truth from you because he is being truthful with you. You need to start asking him some serious questions and demanding honest answers. In return, you need to tell him what you are and are not okay with. I am sure that it took a lot of courage and faith on his part to tell you this. He has been with you for two years and obviously cares enough about you to be open with you. Don't feel guilty about the way you feel, but don't deny it either. Everybody is different, and every person has their own limits and needs. He is not a mind reader, and he can't reassure you or address issues that he knows nothing about. Also, if you are willing to have a very open discussion, with no pressure from either side, you might find that you can find some common ground.

It seems like your primary fear is that he won't be able to be monogamous. I don't think you should assume that just because his "fetishes" are unconventional that he can't be faithful to you. Also, is it possible that you could explore them with him? Some of the things that bother you may turn out to excite you if you explore them together in the bedroom. I am a heterosexual female, and if someone would have told me even five years ago that I would be attracted to bisexual men, I would have referred them to a mental health facility. However, sex with bisexual men is exciting and fun. There are things that the two of you can do that may meet both of your needs without having to include anyone outside of your relationship. Someone suggested a strap-on. I second that. I know sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, however it tends to be an area where one or both individuals have the most inhibitions. If you can do and be anything in the bedroom, it tends to make you feel a little more open in other areas of your life.

[pole_smoker]

You might as well break up with your boyfriend since you are both incompatible.

You wrote how you are uncomfortable with him being bisexual, you posted about how you have been totally shaken up, had stress, and had your life disrupted. You are going to always assume that he's going to cheat on you, and you probably would not like him looking at shemale porn and would not trust him to be monogamous even if he is.

What you described is not an actual fetish.

[void()]

You might as well break up with your boyfriend since you are both incompatible.

You wrote how you are uncomfortable with him being bisexual, you posted about how you have been totally shaken up, had stress, and had your life disrupted. You are going to always assume that he's going to cheat on you, and you probably would not like him looking at shemale porn and would not trust him to be monogamous even if he is.

What you described is not an actual fetish.

:thumbu: Concur.

[JaredT77]

It's up to you on what you decide. Ultimately it's up you if you want to work thru with your boyfriend on his bisexuality or if you feel that it is necessary to break up with him. I told my girlfriend when we first met that I am bisexual and she accepts me for who I am. We lived together for a full year but then she had to move back home to Kentucky because we had financial problems. I had told her a few months ago that I was giving up being bisexual but then I still watch gay porn. After she left, I told her that I can't deny that I'm still bisexual. She then said that I should find a male fuckbuddy to take care of my needs while we are apart. She has been encouraging me to find a man to fuck me and she has come to terms with my bisexuality and she wants to be the loving, caring, understanding, and supportive girlfriend.

But each situation is different. Just don't make a decision that you might regret later on. It's either you accept him for who he is or give him a ultimatum. Use your heart to decide and make your own decision.