problems

[coolbreeze69]

Ok so I have a major problem that is eating me up inside. My wife and I couldn't have kids so we adopted several yrs ago. He is the best thing to happen for me. She and I split up about 4 years ago and I moved out to a friends house. Long story short I found my bi side during the 10 months I was away. When we got back together, we both told the other our experience s while gone. She slept with my friend I stayed with the first 2.months of my 10 months gone....I on the other hand slept with 2 women and 1 other bi male. I enjoyed it and frequently visited this site from time to time to find some really nice people to talk to as well! She is now upset about the whole idea with me being bi sexual and very selfish about it all. In fact last week, sparks a feud and has said that im a queer and told our son that. I told her I would die if he were to find out. I cant bear the truth like this to my son! I now know that I am stuck. I know she wants a divorce but wants to use me as a pawn and make it her way or our son is doomed with the idea that im his gay dad! What kind of suggestions would anyone have for me? Im screwed and want out of this dead life. Can anyone give me any hope?

[tenni]

Hi
You do not mention the age of your son. That is important as to how much information to give him. I knew someone who was in a similar situation but different specifics. This person was afraid that the ex would disclose something to the child in a negative manner. The person decided to give out the information themselves so that their side could be communicated to the child. (in that case the child was not the child of the ex even though the child always thought that was the truth). In that case, the child was ten and it did create even more problems for the child with the divorce. It was a gamble.

In your case, I do not see anything in your post to indicate that your son knows already. Since you had sex with two women and one man while the marriage was on a break, it doesn't indicate that you are gay. You are not a gay dad..a bisexual dad.

Although in the case that I knew I did not think it was the best path, in your case it probably is. A little bit of information goes a long away.

[fredtyg]

Why some women are so vindictive is beyond me. Regardless, the situation is what it is and you just have to deal with it. About the best you can do is explain your side to the boy and hope for the best. I realize that may not seem like much help but I don't see what else a fellow can do in situations like this.

I would try and stay away from attacking her for whatever she might have done. Keep the high ground. Just explain what happened- that the two of you broke up and had relations with different people while apart. Then explain that while you don't have a problem with her relationships, she has a problem with one of yours because a guy was involved. You might try giving a brief explanation of bisexuality, as well. All you can do then is hope he understands and accepts your explanation of things.

[Long Duck Dong]

Ok so I have a major problem that is eating me up inside. My wife and I couldn't have kids so we adopted several yrs ago. He is the best thing to happen for me. She and I split up about 4 years ago and I moved out to a friends house. Long story short I found my bi side during the 10 months I was away. When we got back together, we both told the other our experience s while gone. She slept with my friend I stayed with the first 2.months of my 10 months gone....I on the other hand slept with 2 women and 1 other bi male. I enjoyed it and frequently visited this site from time to time to find some really nice people to talk to as well! She is now upset about the whole idea with me being bi sexual and very selfish about it all. In fact last week, sparks a feud and has said that im a queer and told our son that. I told her I would die if he were to find out. I cant bear the truth like this to my son! I now know that I am stuck. I know she wants a divorce but wants to use me as a pawn and make it her way or our son is doomed with the idea that im his gay dad! What kind of suggestions would anyone have for me? Im screwed and want out of this dead life. Can anyone give me any hope?

if you want a divorce and she wants a divorce, then I am not sure why you would want to stay in the marriage, but honestly..... I would not give her everything her own way..... shes using the kid as a pawn but the thing is, children have their own way of seeing things.....and what she tells the kid, and what the kid sees, are two different things......

why would you die ? the kid, being told something by the mother, is different to being told by you or him finding you with another man..... divorces are messy at times, things are said to gain the upper hand.... it would be no different to you threatening your wife that you would tell the son that she has slept with other people while you were married, it portrays her as a cheater and a loose woman but it makes you look like a person that is losing a battle and resorting to dirty tactics......

what are the chances of going to court, having a judge decide who gets what etc and letting it be known that she is trying to blacken your name in order to gain....

[Neonaught]

She is obviously going to be as vindictive as possible an cares little bout your relationship with your child. Dump her ass and do what damage control is required wit the son. And keep in mind you are not a "queer", you are bisexual. Maybe the boy will be old enough to understand.

[Chris_t_boston]

Before my wife and I were able to reconcile she used the "tell the kids" threat a lot... telling me how they'll hate me and think less of me.

The first thing I had to do is become comfortable with myself being bi. As soon as that happened I told her to go ahead and tell the kids (all young adults) and that I had no problem with being bi nor them knowing. It took the wind out of her sails and the threats stopped.

It's only an issue because YOU make it an issue. Get comfortable with it, show your kid love and it will be OK.

[bityme]

Ok so I have a major problem that is eating me up inside. My wife and I couldn't have kids so we adopted several yrs ago. He is the best thing to happen for me. She and I split up about 4 years ago and I moved out to a friends house. Long story short I found my bi side during the 10 months I was away. When we got back together, we both told the other our experience s while gone. She slept with my friend I stayed with the first 2.months of my 10 months gone....I on the other hand slept with 2 women and 1 other bi male. I enjoyed it and frequently visited this site from time to time to find some really nice people to talk to as well! She is now upset about the whole idea with me being bi sexual and very selfish about it all. In fact last week, sparks a feud and has said that im a queer and told our son that. I told her I would die if he were to find out. I cant bear the truth like this to my son! I now know that I am stuck. I know she wants a divorce but wants to use me as a pawn and make it her way or our son is doomed with the idea that im his gay dad! What kind of suggestions would anyone have for me? Im screwed and want out of this dead life. Can anyone give me any hope?

Considering the fact that your son has already been told by your wife that you are "queer," you need to take action. You have to explain that you are not "queer," that you are "bisexual."It is an opportunity for a real learning experience for him. Without knowing his age, its more difficult to pin down an approach, but there is one that seems to be universal. Tell your son that even though you and Mommy have problems, you still love her and at the same time you love him. Ask him if he loves both you and Mommy. You can explain that you can love more than one person at the same time and that includes both male and females. You can explain that some people can express that love physically with both sexes and that some people decide not to. You and your wife have different opinions.

The current same sex marriage controversy can give a lot of food for discussion. One writer said that "The real reasons people oppose same-sex marriage are personal and/or religious. They might think homosexuality is immoral, or they might simply feel deep inside that because marriage has always been for heterosexual couples, it should remain that way; same-sex marriage seems too shocking or unusual."

Don't allow yourself to show your son any animosity about your wife over this issue. Let him know that any problems between you and your wife are only between the two of you and that he should not be involved. Tell him that Mommy sometimes has a little trouble keeping things in the right perspective and as a consequence might tell him things about you that she thinks are bad, but you will not do that. Explain that she is his Mommy and deserves respect.

Only speak positively, you will be surprised how productive your discussions with your son will be.

[12voltyV2.0]

I don't have any advice to offer other than to say it is a sad situation that she decided she was gonna use your son as a chess board piece for any beefs between you and her. It is totally wrong of her to use a child or children in this way. It is too bad that both parties in a dissolving relationship do such a thing with their kids.

You have been offered some pretty good advice thus far, but you will probably want, if at all possible, to retain both a lawyer to advise you legally in this matter, and a mental health therapist to help you deal with the emotional aspects of what appears to be a very nasty breakup of your marriage.

Good luck and all the best with this crappy situation.