Can you be married and have a FWB?

[CuriousCanuck]

Who out there is in a marriage but also has a fwb on the side? I am happily married and we have a very good sex life but I've always had sexual desires towards men. I'm looking for others to give their opinion of whether you can have a happy marriage and a fwb. How do you balance both? Is anyone in this situation?

[backdoorbaby]

Not in exact same situation, but for my:2cents:, "works for me". See no conflicts unless "she" (not knowing) finds out !

[Lavalamps4me]

I personally decided to face it head on. The wife and I talked about it. I told her about my bi side, and to my surprize she not only suspected but enjoyed the idea. We found a way to share. Maybe that would work for you. Everyone is different. We have been married forever and she is my best friend. She knows me better than anyone. Deceiving her by cheating was not an option. Good luck!

[CuriousCanuck]

Here is a bit more info.....my wife is aware of everything and supports me. She is willing to be apart of it or if I'm more comfortable to do it on my own she is ok with that. I would not be comfortable doing something behind her back especially when I know how open minded and accepting she is.

[suckemall]

My wife is very open minded and fucked lots of guys on the side for some 30 years. We both shared bi experiences together with other couples. Married for 45 years now.

[WebothBbi]

I'm very open minded, I wouldn't have an issue if my husband did that, provided I met the guy and felt a sense of trust prior to it. If he snuck it, it'd be cheating. There is no grey area in that to me.

[Ja&Ve]

Nope, wife said no gays, no alone play. She does not like split attention.

[NakedInSeattle]

Curious, since your update to the effect that your wife is supportive and would even share, I see no reason to even beg the question! Enjoy and be thankful.

[CuriousCanuck]

Curious, since your update to the effect that your wife is supportive and would even share, I see no reason to even beg the question! Enjoy and be thankful.

It's more a question of is it realistic to think I can balance a marriage and a fwb. I know it's possible, but what are some of the struggles that people on here have overcome?

[Hypersexual11]

My wife decided I can have a fwb about 4 months ago. I finally went for it about 2 months ago. I met a guy, we had the exact same sexual desires so we decided to pursue it. I told my wife I met someone and if it was still ok, I was going to hook up with him in a short time. I could tell she was struggling with it. We had tried this a few years ago and she couldnt handle it. This time, she bit her lip and told me to go ahead. We have met 4 times now. Same time every week while my wife is asleep. She works nights and sleeps days. We have been meeting in the morning. For me it's been really nice to be able to do this and not feel guilt and she asks a lot of questions and seems to get somewhat turned on. I have tried to get her to open up to me about how she is feeling. It's really hard for her to do that if what she has to say isn't what I want to hear. The basic problem is she wants to be everything to me. And she really is, she's awesome. She said she wished she was a hermaphrodite so she could give me male and female fun parts.
If your wife is supportive, go for it. I suggest keeping it nsa. It gets complicated when you try to bring more to a relationship than what your wife bargained for. Watch her reactions. If you sense she is struggling and you have the ability to be monogamous, then stopping to comfort her would be best.

[CurEUs_Male]

Couples I have met that have opened up the relationship have been honest with each other, and it works. Some couples I have met have had to deal with discovering the cheating and that is detrimental to the relationship. Stay open, talk often, answer what she asks (she'll stop if/when she hears too much) and look for a guy that will respect both of you, even if he is just meeting you.

Reading the book "Opening Up" has a lot of good information to walk you two through getting things in line for a successful redefinition of your marriage.

[NakedInSeattle]

It's more a question of is it realistic to think I can balance a marriage and a fwb. I know it's possible, but what are some of the struggles that people on here have overcome?

You're overthinking it! Relax and enjoy it.

[BiEd9]

When I met my wife,she told me about her past relationships with women, it kind of made it easy for me to open up.We've been together for 7 years,and she found out a friend of ours was bi,and she hooked us up together. The first time that he and I got together,she even joined us.She's a keeper.

[fredtyg]

You're overthinking it! Relax and enjoy it.

Yep. You're in a rather unique situation where the wife wouldn't seem to mind. The vast majority of guys I've heard from either do it on the sly, or have had problems of some sort when they do it out in the open.

In your case I'd look at it this way: Do you have guy friends you do other things with? If so, does it make much difference whether you're going fishing or bowling with them as opposed to having sexual relations? Heck, you could go fishing or bowling and do sex stuff before or after. Look at it as just another "guy thing".

If you wouldn't have a problem with that and the wife doesn't care, it shouldn't be a problem.

[Visexual]

My wife probably knows about me and my FWB buddy. She does know that I have a bisexual friend online and have for years. She's even said that he and I should get together. When I told her that, if we did, we'd likely have sex she simply grinned and said it wouldn't be any big deal to her.

So, yes, I do have a FWB on the side. It's a man only because my wife wouldn't be OK for it to be a woman. And, honestly, there's so much less potential for drama with me. Sorry, ladies!

[JustinW]

OP, good question. My wife and I haven't had sex in months (married for 30 years). She came back from a doctor's visit and let it be known that her lack of desire was due to hormones and that the doctor did not recommend hormone therapy due to possible harmful side effects. She is under treatment by an endocrinologist. It was as if she was announcing that she was finished with sexual intercourse and able to justify her position with a medical reason. She's ok giving me an occasional hand job, but other than that, we're done with sex. We have discussed the issue and it just boils down to she doesn't enjoy sex anymore. Aside from that, we have a pretty happy marriage. We had a wonderful sex life for many years and we still talk about some of the good times we had in bed. I have met a man who is in almost the exact same situation I am in. We both want to enjoy oral sex with each other, but we both are hesitant due to marriage commitment. What about FWB in a situation like this? Unlikely that she would consent to a bisexual relationship so asking is out of the question.

[Ja&Ve]

OP, good question. My wife and I haven't had sex in months (married for 30 years). She came back from a doctor's visit and let it be known that her lack of desire was due to hormones and that the doctor did not recommend hormone therapy due to possible harmful side effects. She is under treatment by an endocrinologist. It was as if she was announcing that she was finished with sexual intercourse and able to justify her position with a medical reason. She's ok giving me an occasional hand job, but other than that, we're done with sex. We have discussed the issue and it just boils down to she doesn't enjoy sex anymore. Aside from that, we have a pretty happy marriage. We had a wonderful sex life for many years and we still talk about some of the good times we had in bed. I have met a man who is in almost the exact same situation I am in. We both want to enjoy oral sex with each other, but we both are hesitant due to marriage commitment. What about FWB in a situation like this? Unlikely that she would consent to a bisexual relationship so asking is out of the question. You need to have a frank discussion with her about your sexual needs. "Possible" side effects are not a good enough reason to just say "fuck it" to sex and my husband can just go cold. That's just mean IMO. I will risk "possible" side effects to make sure I ALWAYS have a sex life with my husband. That being said, I dont have to be "in the mood" to make sure my love is taken care of. That's what love is, making sure your partner is happy, one way or another. That being said, cheating is never an option in my book. Consent is one thing, but if she ever finds out and busts the hell out of you, destroys your retirement and god knows what else by taking you for everything your worth, is some illicit nookie really worth it? Only you can answer that.

[Visexual]

But some of us aren't into charity sex. If my partner isn't wanting to do something then I wouldn't enjoy it at all. I'm sure if I asked my wife to let me have intercourse with her, she'd do it for me. But I don't ask and will never ask again. And, honestly, if she seemed to want it again now, I don't know if I would with her. Like others here, we have a decent (notice I don't write good) marriage and that's that!

She's actually said that she's OK if I'm with a man. I know she wouldn't be OK if I was with a woman. I try to be satisfied with what I have but the thought of never having a woman again isn't a very appealing thought.

[JustinW]

She has been a good sport and tried "charity" sex before to help satisfy my needs and frankly it is not that enjoyable for either of us. We have discussed my needs and she understands them, she just doesn't know what to do other than an occasional hand-job (rarely a blowjob). I don't want to end our marriage just because she is not interested in sex anymore and I don't want to force her to do anything that clearly is not enjoyable anymore. We have even joked about putting sex on the "to do" list next to vacuuming and washing windows. It is what it is. Also, I'm certain that this is not retribution of any kind, there is really not a mean bone in her sweet body. FWB seems like an option, although I'm having trouble convincing myself it is ok without consent.

Likely, I'm facing the rest of my life without sex. There are worse things in life and I'm grateful to be an American, in good health, safe and secure.

[CuriousCanuck]

She has been a good sport and tried "charity" sex before to help satisfy my needs and frankly it is not that enjoyable for either of us. We have discussed my needs and she understands them, she just doesn't know what to do other than an occasional hand-job (rarely a blowjob). I don't want to end our marriage just because she is not interested in sex anymore and I don't want to force her to do anything that clearly is not enjoyable anymore. We have even joked about putting sex on the "to do" list next to vacuuming and washing windows. It is what it is. Also, I'm certain that this is not retribution of any kind, there is really not a mean bone in her sweet body. FWB seems like an option, although I'm having trouble convincing myself it is ok without consent.

Likely, I'm facing the rest of my life without sex. There are worse things in life and I'm grateful to be an American, in good health, safe and secure.

you definitely are in a unique situation, have you come across anyone going through something similar yet?...in my opionion from what you said about your wife I think you might have a hard time doing this behind her back. Would you be able to enjoy a FWB knowing you weredoing it behind her back?

[Ja&Ve]

But some of us aren't into charity sex. If my partner isn't wanting to do something then I wouldn't enjoy it at all. I'm sure if I asked my wife to let me have intercourse with her, she'd do it for me. But I don't ask and will never ask again. And, honestly, if she seemed to want it again now, I don't know if I would with her. Like others here, we have a decent (notice I don't write good) marriage and that's that!

She's actually said that she's OK if I'm with a man. I know she wouldn't be OK if I was with a woman. I try to be satisfied with what I have but the thought of never having a woman again isn't a very appealing thought.

Maybe that's where I'm different. Desire is in my mind. I don't climax easy. So if I robbed my husband of love and closeness because I can't get off every tine or I'm not in the mood, than I gave missed an opportunity for closeness with my husband. that is not charity, that is love. And it gets "me into the mood and spirit of things knowing the one I love is pleased.

[JustinW]

Would you be able to enjoy a FWB knowing you weredoing it behind her back?

Probably not. I'm guessing guilt would get to me eventually.

[CuriousCanuck]

Probably not. I'm guessing guilt would get to me eventually.

That's why I realize I'm lucky to have a wife open to all this. The guilt of doing something behind her back would get to me as well.

[tenni]

"The basic problem is she wants to be everything to me."

This seems to be one of the core issues. This is simply not so with bisexuals. Good for those heterosexuals who gain an understanding and acceptance that they can not be everything to their spouse.

[CuriousCanuck]

"The basic problem is she wants to be everything to me."

This seems to be one of the core issues. This is simply not so with bisexuals. Good for those heterosexuals who gain an understanding and acceptance that they can not be everything to their spouse.

I think that does work for some couples though. Yes bisexuals realize one person or gender isn't all they want to have that feeling of a complete fulfilment.

[tenni]

"I think that does work for some couples though."
It seems to work when the man wishes to be penetrated by his female partner. I wonder if such a man is not really attracted to other men as much as enjoying being penetrated? There seems to be a lot of variation but I wonder if a man wants to be penetrated by a woman if he is a variation of heterosexuality and not a variation of bisexuality? It doesn't matter if it is a man or woman who is penetrating him as long as his prostrate is being stimulated. Some may even prefer the female domination aspects. No real attraction to other men not even to their penis..lol ?? Soooo, many options and that one may be a heterosexual variation.

[cuttin2dachase]

I became bi as a result of my 1st wife's and my mutual desire and sexual thrill of sharing her body with other men. She loved having me and other men in our bed kissing, licking, eating and fucking her silly and I loved having a total hotwife slut. We were adventurous and pushed the envelope always, seeking new people and new sexual experiences. As it turned out, she had fantasies of seeing and sharing me with other men. Although I'd never felt sexual desire for men, I indulged her, tried mutual mm oral sex and 69ing in various mfm positions. I was very turned on by this new erotic activity that we shared. From that point, there was no going back and limiting myself to hetero sex. I'd spent my 1st 32 yrs of life as a hetero man, but now I wanted to be with other men as much as she did. As other posts have said, this is the ideal situation for a happily married bi man to be in. I felt no need to seek men for 1 on 1 fun, but I certainly did have fantasies and desires to experience man fun without wifey present and try more than just oral sex. I kept the true extent of my manlust and curiosity secret from my wife and never acted on it, other than frequenting bi male chat rooms for hot chat with potential 3some partners, something she also did openly. We eventually separated over unrelated issues, namely her financial irresponsibility and her abuse of alcohol and party drugs. Upon becoming an UN-happily married man, I was all of a sudden free (as was she) to seek out other men, women and couples for sex and I did not hesitate. Within a month of our separation, I had a 3some with a mf couple we'd been with as well as my 1st 1 on 1 sex with a married man we'd been with. We met several times at my bachelor pad and he was my 1st FWB 'boyfriend'. He introduced me to male romance and intimacy. It was differently and deliciously erotic and exciting and increased my mm desires. I felt no guilt or shame, just liberation and excitement. It pays to have bi or swinging connections when you become single LOL. Swinging with married couples and secretly meeting with bi married men became my main sexual desires for almost 3 years until I met my 2nd wife. She was ultra straight and would have never swung with me or approved of my bisexuality. I gave up my secret bi/swinging desires and was faithful to her for many years until her desire for sex waned to once every other month. I loved her dearly, but her job, shopping, her 3 kids (by her 1st hubby) and her numerous hobbies came to occupy most of her time. I wanted us to spend more time together and, of course, make love much more often than she did. I accepted the situation but soon began to fantasize about meeting men again. I resumed my online mm chat habits and secretly visited adult sites such as this one. It did not take long for my swinging and mm desires to end my forced celibacy. Once I made the decision to take some risks and meet men again, I went for it ! By the dictionary definition and by many peoples' definition, I was cheating in the classic sense, but I only ever met men when she was away for the day. This never detracted from our relationship emotionally or financially or the little time we spent together. She was off doing what she enjoyed, as was I. That was how I looked at it. Again, I felt no guilt or shame and was ultra discreet and safe in going about it. Only two of the men I met became semi-regular partners who could be called FWBs, and I enjoyed a few one time hookups as well. Eventually I discovered that her main "hobby" was a married man she'd been seeing off and on since before we even met. I realized that on many occasions when I was in bed with a man enjoying sex, she most likely had lied about going shopping or to her garden club functions, visiting relatives etc. and was in bed with her boyfriend too ! It was ironic that I had resorted to cheating as a result of her deception and desire to be with her bf instead of with me. The difference was that she was in love with him and her cheating and sexual neglect of me had detracted from our relationship. We separated over it, but she still doesn't know I was secretly meeting men and couples. Although I left her 5 years ago, we are still legally married for financial and tax reasons. She is 500 miles away and apparently still blissfully happy running around with her married bf. I've been free to again play with whomever I want whenever I want. The main downside is that most women in whom I am interested won't date me after I tell them I am still technically and legally married. As much as I miss having a female companion in my life, I don't miss the drama and having to hide my true sexuality.

All that being said, I have been both the cheating bi husband as well as being the swinging solo boyfriend of more than a few bi married men who were cheating on their wives. I don't count the one-timers as FWBs. The handful of married men I met, clicked with and met on a semi-regular basis were true FWB's. Not once did a man ever make me want to leave my wife, become gay and no longer desire her sexually, nor did any man fall out of love with his wife because of me. Wives of bi men, here's a few little kinky secrets you may not want to hear. We FWB bi married men actually talk to each other about our wives and how much we love them before, after and sometimes even during sex with other men. We compare notes about our sex lives with our wives and with other men and it can be very hot, arousing male pillow talk. Some of us even bring a pair or two of your panties that you won't miss and wear them during sex so that we can think about how sexy you look in them. If you walked in the room and caught us in the act, we would both want you to take off your clothes and let us ravage you. It is nothing that you said or did and nothing you didn't say or didn't do that makes most of us want to please each other's cocks. We long ago stopped wondering why sex with men is enjoyable, other than it just is because it feels good. We see it no differently than playing a round of golf or having a few beers while watching sports. It is not a threat to our marriages to us. Yes we do think with our dicks sometimes and we definitely think about dicks too .

[bi4asplay]

Who out there is in a marriage but also has a fwb on the side? I am happily married and we have a very good sex life but I've always had sexual desires towards men. I'm looking for others to give their opinion of whether you can have a happy marriage and a fwb. How do you balance both? Is anyone in this situation?

My ate wife got me started, so no problem there. I would never have gone behind her back to play. If it had not been for her I never would have know how much I enjoy being taken by a man or pegged by a lady.

[stonebow]

When I met my wife,she told me about her past relationships with women, it kind of made it easy for me to open up.We've been together for 7 years,and she found out a friend of ours was bi,and she hooked us up together. The first time that he and I got together,she even joined us.She's a keeper. I have a similar tale....my lady introduced me to an old BF who she knew was bi. 'Twas he who "deflowererd" me...lol Have had many fun times with him, in threesomes or just he and I. So what do you have to "balance"? your FWB is just like any other of your male friends....except that after a ball game and a few beers together you get to give each other blowjobs! And on those weekend fishing trips you can pound one another's ass after a day on the river. As Naked said...you're overthinking it.

[Cutiliae]

I'm happily married and I have had a FWB relationship with a good friend from my hometown for many years. He's also married and our wives are friends too. Neither of our wives are aware that I suck his cock while he lays back and watches porn. I only wish we lived closer to each other.

[pole_smoker]

Yes you can.

Is it a good idea? Not if you're cheating and have to have an affair in secret, or you have a spouse or partner who gets jealous or feels left out at times, and who does not want an open relationship or open marriage where you have sex with other people. In these cases it's opening up a can of worms, and asking for a divorce, or a break up of your marriage or relationship.

[itsnormy]

Was married for over 50 years before my wife died. We had a long, long talk prior to marriage bout both our sexual histories, we both like sex with men...so our agreement was do it. dont cheat, dont lie, be open, honest and share happenings when you were comfortable with it..............had a boyfriend for 30 years, a girlfriend for 32 years and a wife for 53....it can work just be HONEST Oh and btw, she had her share of lovers too....and on a rare occasion brought home a pie for me...

[nomorenomore]

Probably not going to happen. I can't even cheat on my wife in my dreams. Though she was pissed at me one morning, when I asked why, she told me that I had cheated on her in her dream. So, the only sex I am getting is in her dreams. I have tried a few times to broach the subject. Even this past weekend, she asked why I haven't been able to sleep. I told her that I was propositioned by a guy online and it had me thinking. We had all ready discussed the potential for me being bi. I got the same reaction I have in the past, nothing. No comment, no rebuttal, nothing. Just a blank stare and change of subject. Yet, she is all done with sex. She has zero desire. So I get nothing, nada, and have her permission to look at porn and take care of it myself. She even bought me toys. But have sex with anothe person, i don't think that is in the cards. If our relationship was bad, then fine, I would move on, but other than sex, she is a great lady and has helped me through a lot of difficulties, especially with my ex. So you just don't walk away from an otherwise good relationship just because you don't get sex. Then again, as we have heard many rants on this forum, you also don't step out on your spouse. Then you are a cheater, asshole, scumbag. FML!!!