Never sexually with a girl due to commitment, but deep understanding of sexuality?

[Royce]

Although I hardly doubt anyone here will change my mind about how I feel because I'm so sure about it, I'm willing to entertain people's opinion by asking this question. Does being bisexual require the sexual contact of both sexes? Or is it possible to just.. have an innate (deep) understanding of your sexuality without a complete fair exposure to both sexes?

I ask because I've been in a committed relationship for years and while I cheated on my significant other by seeing someone of the same sex (disclaimer: he knows and it's in the past now, please don't lecture or attack me on this) I never had any sexual contact because I was still very closeted about my sexuality at the time. I once regretted it because I wanted to but never had the moral capacity to do that to my lover. And the closeted thing. Coming out was just not easy.

But now that I've grown and pretty much hit the wall with my sexuality, I now realize and accept who I am and feel much more in place identifying as bisexual. Like I am 100% convinced and confident. It's so right to me. Is that unfair or crazy seeing as I've never sexually been with a woman?

On the other hand, as I get older I realize more and more how disgusted I am by the male body (disclaimer: my fiance's is excluded from this) and constantly find myself attracted to a woman's. This isn't to say I'm completely unattracted to all men but I am saying I most definitely love a larger range of women than men. And while I don't like or buy into labels or stereotypes I'm really conscious of a lot of lesbian tendencies I do and see a pattern between myself and other lesbians. I really love women and I have absolutely no doubt in my mind about being with a woman. The thought alone is making me drool, haha.

but I worry that I'm being dishonest by claiming I am since I've not been sexually active with a woman, so is it fair to be so confident? Am I lying to others by saying I'm bisexual or is it acceptable for someone who identifies as bisexual to be the way I am?

[Long Duck Dong]

lol in a simple nutshell answer.... NO... it does not require sexual contact with a person of the same or opposite gender, in order to know your own attraction to genders and understanding of them......

its part of why bi curious is a bit of a grey area term.... people are attracted to both genders, but not sure if they are sexually compatible with both genders.... its possible to be romantically and mentally attracted to a gender but not sexually attracted to them.... and that is why the term bi sexual is a bit misleading, it implies that bi sexual people are sexually active with both genders or need to have sex with both genders in order to be bi sexual.....

the way you define yourself, is as a woman that is able to have sex with both genders and as a person that finds the idea of sex, appealing but not really the male body.... thats similar something that some bisexual males will say, they are interested in the sex with the same gender and the genitalia but not the romantic side of things such as kissing, hugging and cuddling other men.....

so define yourself by the term that feels right for you, as you need to be comfortable with the way you define yourself to others..... ignore the people that hand you a checklist of what you need to do in order to call yourself bisexual, you may find that a lot of those people do not match the requirements they place on others.......

as for coming out.... one of the hardest aspects of coming out, is being sure that you are really who you think and feel you are, before you come out..... the embarrassment of coming out as a gay, straight, no... wait, bi...... no I think I am straight, .... no definately but to gay with a side serving of straight so I may be bi.... is not only hard on you... it makes it harder for others to view you seriously as well..... and think about why you are coming out..... are you ready to be seen as the new you and be accepted as the new you.... or is it a case of opening doors to explore the new you in the eyes of the world and further confirm who you are in the eyes of others and wanting confirmation of who you really are.......

so hug yourself, its easier to post it in the forums than ask a person face to face, but its still a big step forward in knowing who you are as a person......

[Gearbox]

Do not give a shit what others think about you coming out as bi! If you identify as bi and are sure in your own head about it, then that is all that counts.
You'll get many who'll put doubts in your head, try to convince you that you don't know yourself, and aim to put you in one closet or another. Fuck em!;)

Having actual sex with both genders does help to 'seal the deal'. But it's not necessary or mandatory. Being bi is not about sex, but attraction.
You'll never hear virgins being told that they can't possibly know what sexuality they are and must ID as asexual do you?:rolleyes:

[tenni]

Based on what you wrote, I think that you should feel comfortable acknowledging your bisexuality. Based on what you wrote, I would wager that you seem more attracted to women than men presently. The thing about bisexuality is that this can change over your lifetime but right now you seem more attracted to women. If you continue to find that you are increasingly turned off by men, you may even be a lesbian but the main point is that only you can determine this. For me, the ebb and flow of sexual attraction is a telling sign of a bisexual and since over time that may change, it is something that only you can monitor.

I would not be questioning your sexuality that much since you have not had sex with a woman. However, for some, that can be a determining factor. Hopefully, you are able to discuss your feelings with the man in your life. Bisexual women have the highest incidence of thoughts of suicide and depression. (greater than bi guys and much much more than gays and lesbians). Repressing your attraction to women is not good. You may one day want to physically explore being sexual with another woman. Make sure that you keep that door open and your partner is aware and not threatened by it. If you are not being sexual with a woman because of your loyalty to your partner that may eventually harm you.

As far as sexual activity determining your sexuality , I think that it is more serious when a person is being sexual with both genders but denying their identity as a bisexual than what you report. Be yourself and be comfortable with the gift of dual attraction. You have the deep understanding and may be almost there in a the deep acceptance of your sexuality.

[JUSTLUVIN]

For one I would hope every member on here would be supportive of all we have to say since sexuality runs such a wide gamut of experiences and desires, but alas, it doesn't. However, I hope you have found encouragement here. You did ask for comments so here is my 2 cents worth.

I think your commitment shows great character and discipline. I do have a question though, what if you found out your partner who you have been with for years did not have the same feeling with regards to commitment. Let us say he was committed to you but he has been seeing someone else. Would you still be committed to him according to your terms? The reason I ask is because when we get into a relationship, we approach it with a certain ideal that the world works or should work a certain way. However, if we expect others to see things exactly as we do, we can be for a rude awakening.

We all come into life with a certain set of principles developed over the course of our lives by watching relationships around us, either from our parents or taken from other sources and then make decisions on how we want our lives to work. The challenge though is that when you involve other people, you have to add their experiences to the mix. Me personally, I know (and this is just me) that sometimes when I have sex I think about other people and fantasize about them too so I can;t say for me that I did not at some level have sex with them.

[fredtyg]

I agree with the others. If you know that you're sexually interested in both sexes, you're bisexual.

[pole_smoker]

So wait, you cheated on your male partner with a woman but somehow you've never had sex with a woman? Sounds suspicious. If you are grossed out by men then you are not bisexual but are lesbian. My lesbian friends tell me how their sexuality is this way even the ones who have had sex with men before.

[tenni]

Yes I found that cheating not sex section a bit confusing too.

The way that I understand it is that in her mind she was with another woman and had feelings of lust but did not act on them. She considers that cheating on her partner but she has never had naked intimate sexual contact with another woman. Only she will know if she is a lesbian and that make take sometime. She loves and enjoys her husband's body but not other men's body. It is difficult to reach too many conclusions by reading a paragraph. Maybe she will post more to clarify.

I think that at worst you have lusted in your heart but not physically cheated.

[void()]

Although I hardly doubt anyone here will change my mind about how I feel because I'm so sure about it, I'm willing to entertain people's opinion by asking this question.

Others may feel flattered you seek entertainment by reading their opinions. I do not. Upon reading this statement I am left to ask the following.

Does a reply matter? You suggest you have already decided the issue/s.

Why appease someone else's ego? That you are asking, even as entertainment, implies your ego is seeking affirmation.

Then, I conclude a probability that you are trolling. What is left as rationale for you to ask?

Oh, that's correct you say that you are willing to entertain people's opinion. You are seeking entertainment. That by common knowledge is a definition of trolling.

Excuse me.

[pole_smoker]

Others may feel flattered you seek entertainment by reading their opinions. I do not. Upon reading this statement I am left to ask the following.

Does a reply matter? You suggest you have already decided the issue/s.

Why appease someone else's ego? That you are asking, even as entertainment, implies your ego is seeking affirmation.

Then, I conclude a probability that you are trolling. What is left as rationale for you to ask?

Oh, that's correct you say that you are willing to entertain people's opinion. You are seeking entertainment. That by common knowledge is a definition of trolling.

Excuse me.
I am wondering the same thing. The major red flag was the part about cheating, yet this person who claims to be a woman did not have actual sex with a woman or man besides their fiance. The whole "men's bodies are gross" is not something a woman that's bisexual would say or think.

[void()]

http://is.gd/n0Chz3 http://is.gd/0BnEr7 http://is.gd/m3yLFJ

Info regarding trolling. My policy any longer is to ignore people engaging in doing it.
Sure, they have a right to speak. I have a right to not listen, too. Find it helps avoid
a lot needless hassle.

Is it a moral judgment to ignore trolls? Maybe. It also simply may be a matter of
preferring not to bother with hassle. A person has a right to choose, always. So,
that is exercised, make of it what you will.

[elian]

So you are asking for validation or advice? You know such things are irresistible to those of us with an ego .. besides, I like puzzles and I like figuring things out, it's what I do.

Are you bisexual if you've never had sex?

My understanding that I use to judge my own behavior is that if you have feelings of sexual or perhaps even romantic (erotic) feelings for both sexes then you are probably bisexual. My response to such self actualization would be, "so what?" That feeling or realization affects different people in different ways and so I'm not going to speculate as to how that should make you feel one way or the other, it simply is.

I know from my own experience my desire varies and the gender I desire varies with level of hormones (desire to be loved or love others at any given time) and experience.

Lately it has been hard, but I am learning to unprogram coupling sexual desire from feelings of love and attraction toward others. It's a little strange to undo years of feeling as though I need to show my affection for others through sexual desire..but in a way that is what I was taught growing up. It does feel good to just be present with good ftriends without any expectations..just enjoying the time together.

[Royce]

I've had a long week at work and I'm quite sleep deprived to say the least. I haven't had a good sleep in days and I'm being honest and saying I don't have the energy to proof check my words and the thread I wrote here was sort of a rant of what's been on my mind lately. But I hardly expected to be treated like a troll or alienated based on how I feel. Matter of fact, I put my heart out here for the first time in a long time and you may not understand it but that doesn't mean it's illegitimate or falsified. Of all people I would expect a community like this to be welcoming and accepting -- I'm shocked that I've set off any flags though I can see where others are coming from. Society has certain definitions and stigmas of certain things and if you don't know someone you're going to assume they're like everyone else. The thing is my life isn't black and white like you see in the movies and what you see from everyone else. There's no way to generalize it. It's case by case details not the big picture.

I hope I haven't given off the wrong impression with what I said above.. I hope that I'm not coming across as aggressive here. I'm calm just hurt that I've been judged as a troll because I'm not what you expect. Did you consider the fact that I'm just being open minded to improve and grow as a person with the help of a community? Did you ask me directly before assuming the intention of how I wrote something? And it's unfortunate I've made my post here so abrupt - I definitely see that and I apologize if I misled you but please don't lessen me to a troll without seeing how I respond to all of this first. You may be pleasantly surprised to see I'm actually a reasonable person with a heart and a brain. Two which sometimes get into arguments with each other (like you see here)

I do not blame or feel hurt by the other questions about my life because at least people asked before assuming.
I love my fiance a lot and we're very communicative. He's also bisexual and feels the same way I do about his sexuality and it's uncanny. I know it sounds like a fairy tale or like a lie but it's not. We just think that much alike and have the same type of issues.. it's not usual I admit that, but it's how my life is and I hope you guys will be respectful of that at least. Even if you don't understand it. But to the concerned questions that my fiance represses my sexuality: no it's the opposite. My fiance is the person I come to all the time to and I continue to do so without a problem. My relationship isn't the issue. I'm just consoling here because I really want to hear other people's opinions as well. Not just my fiance's or my friend's but objective opinions from people who don't know me. To confirm I'm not using the label out of context.

To clear up the confusion about the cheating: I couldn't bring myself to be sexually involved with my ex because I was very closetted and unaccepting of my sexuality at the time. I was 15 and very immature. I didn't know how to handle my feelings and I didn't like how I was seeing two people at once. It just does not fit right with my morals. So even though I had a strong sexual attraction to her and in some way regretted not taking up the opportunity, I still felt more guilt than anything. She would be taking my girl virginity and I didn't want to seal that deal since I knew I wasn't serious about her. I was just experimenting in a really childish way. I also was in denial that I had any sexual attraction to her at all. When I was finally honest with myself is when I started to label myself bisexual because it felt right and it always has. It's just always left me with some doubt because I'm confused about the label itself. Do you NEED to have sex with the same gender in order to be bisexual definitely? This is what I meant by my thread and I'm truly sorry if I wasn't articulated enough about it. I wasn't sure how to explain it (and I'm sure being sleep deprived didn't help) but I also put on a front because I don't know what to expect from this community. I was worried I could be attacked and I guess I worried to the point my words didn't come out right anyway and I came across like a troll. So great. :P Sorry I confused you. And what I meant by "entertaining opinions" doesn't mean I would be amused by later comments. It just meant I'm keeping an open mind and willing to consider what others have to say. I am sorry I offended you with that @void() but I'm respectfully saying there's been a miscommunication. Reading back now I see how it may have came across sarcastic, but I actually was quite serious. I just meant I would consider what others think. I even consider the opinion that I'm a full lesbian though I know I'm not. I know this because I've always ended up in relationships with men and I'm also completely faithful to my relationship with a man. But one thing is obvious: I prefer women a lot more.

As for the disgusted by men part.. well I shouldn't have said it like that -- it does sound quite unrefined, doesn't it? I really meant to say that I am less and less unattracted to men as I grow and I realize my attraction to men is strictly case by case. If you believe in the kinsey scale I am truly a 4. Can't describe it any other way.

To the people who confirmed that I'm not using the label bisexual out of context and praised my confidence: thank you. It really helps.

[tenni]

Royce
Thanks for some clarification. It is still a bit unclear. The person who you called a b/f when you were attracted to a woman at the same time is not the same bisexual b/f that you have now? I think that it is good if he is also bisexual. What does he think about you getting together with woman? If you do not feel comfortable at this point of your life having two relationships, keep an open mind to the future. Discuss your feelings with him and establish some ground rule should either of you want to have a same sex experience. Better prepared when all is calm kind of an idea.

I'm not sure how much credibility that you should give the person who has labelled you a troll. We do have trolls come on to this site and get nasty. Usually, it takes more than one posting for most to determine a troll. The person who labelled you a troll has done that to me recently because my view is different from his. He also has a few personal "issues" and factor that in when accepting his words as valid. I'm sorry if his words have hurt you. I hope that his words do not scare you off this site.

[JUSTLUVIN]

Royce

I'm not sure how much credibility that you should give the person who has labelled you a troll. We do have trolls come on to this site and get nasty. Usually, it takes more than one posting for most to determine a troll. The person who labelled you a troll has done that to me recently because my view is different from his. He also has a few personal "issues" and factor that in when accepting his words as valid. I'm sorry if his words have hurt you. I hope that his words do not scare you off this site.

I agree with Tenni. Royce, the unfortunate thing about the Internet is a lot of people see one who posts as guilty until proven innocent. You do have to be careful when posting on the Internet but readers also have to understand, as you have stated, that a person could be under a lot of duress when writing and we already know the English language is still a cheap imitation for expressing what is in the heart.

Your challenge as stated earlier is that some parts of the story are still a little hard to understand in areas. If I read you correctly though, it sounds like you have lived out your sexuality and came to some conclusions in your mind and seem a little unsure of yourself at the moment. As vague as this may sound I would say go with your heart and what makes you happy. But be sure it is truly what will make you happy and not something that could have unexpected consequences for you later.

[pole_smoker]

OK thanks for explaining more. To answer your question: No you do not have to have experienced sex with both genders in order to be bisexual. Someone can be a complete virgin to women, and men yet still be bisexual.

[elian]

So you are both bisexual .. it sounds healthy to me.. and I admire your reserve to be able to hold off before talking with your boyfriend about your desires. I think it might help that he is also bisexual - he can maybe better understand what you are going through.

As far as the male body goes - I admire the silhouette of any most nude profile in the dark against soft light. Knowing that the owner of said personage is perhaps warm, soft, bristly, loving, kind - to kiss and nuzzle and caress such a thing is a great desire of mine.

I have had some lovers who know exactly what spot to hit to make me want, and some who have floundered rather like a sack of potatoes - and sometimes both behaviors within the same person..life can be messy. For me a lot depends on the physical, emotional and spiritual bond I share with a partner, both of our hormone levels at the time, phases of the moon, etc, etc..