SUPPORT/HELP

[bi42guy1958]

A little bio of myself to begin. I'm a DWM 56 yrs. old and have been bisexual since the age of 14 (first expierence). I have learned from my past expierences that when it comes to relationships and my being bisexual that honesty is always the best policy, or thought it was. I've been married 5 times and although not all my marriages ended because of my sexual orientation, the majority of them did. But again, I still believe honesty is best.
So when I met this woman on a dating site(str8 site), we began to email first through the site, then progressed to text and then calling and talking. Everything was going great, we seemed to have a lot of the same interests and so forth, so we decided to meet and have lunch, get to know one another even more, which we set up for the next day. Through the night I got to thinking about things and decided it was best for both of us for me to just severe anything with her. My thoughts included how nice of a woman she was, how she would probably never accept my being bisexual/dressing. So maybe it was best to stop things before a lot more feelings got involved on both sides. I didn't want to mislead and hurt her later on. So I told her my feelings, not giving reasons but just that I had issues. Her response was, "it was her decision" as to whether she wanted to be involved with me given my issues. I pondered that for the night and next day and thought, hey she's right. So I asked if she was still interested and would like to go out and I would tell her everything!
So last night we went out. Oh and not that this makes a difference, but it may to some that have an opinion, she is a black woman. Anyway, as we ate and talked, I started to tell her some of the issues I have in my non sexual life. My biggest ones are depression and how I'm affected by having an only son that is is prison (death row) and how it affects my every day thoughts.
After having dinner we went out to the car when we bagan to talk more and I stated to her that what she has heard so far is not near as bad as what I really needed to tell her. I don't really know how I did it, but it just came out. "I'm bisexual and I like to wear women's attire" I said. I didn't get the "jaw dropping" affect as I thought, but no right out opinion right then either. So I continued with trying to explain things and how I feel about my sexuality.
I started with, it's not an emotional attraction, but sexual. I don't look at a man and say "WOW, I'd like to do him" My attraction to a man is from the waist down to his knees, or really whats in between those points. I don't kiss men, no hugging, or anything that shows affection for a man. After having sex with a man, I feel disqusted with myself, went on to say that after sex I want the man to leave, that I got what I needed. And i know that sounds bad on my part toward the man, but I'm being honest here. But with a woman it is so different. I want the affection, I want and desire the kisses, hugs, cuddling, touching each other in an emoitional sense, both during and after sex. Matter of factly, with a woman it's "making love" not just sex! I want her to be there after, to cuddle, spoon or whatever we feel. I want her there the next morning to wakeup with, maybe even to do it ll over again.
I also told her that if I could sit there and open up and tell her these things about me that I can be open and honest about everything. There are things that she could do to "help" me with these feelings, one being a strapon. Encouragement from her or support would go a long way in helping me curb the thoughts of being with a man. But unfortunetly, there can't be a replacement for the desires I have for performing oral on a guy.
The only thing I can think of that I didn't tell her was that I'm very much in the closet with this part of my life. I don't have a hat that I wear that says "hey I'm bisexual"! But I think that's an important part that I should tell her.
My question is......what else could I have said?

[elian]

Hi buddy-

I guess the good news is that you are single again now, so your options are still open.. You said, "I don't have a hat that says -Hey, I'm bisexual- " but in my opinion, that is exactly what you need. I am not saying this to be smart, but the truth is if you can put that in your online dating profile then people can make a determination for themselves up front whether that is something they are interested in pursuing or not.

I consciously made the decision to flag myself as bisexual on my dating profile, people are sometimes curious or don't always understand what that means but for the most part it eliminates all of the awkward "hiding and explaining" that you were talking about having to go through on a blind date..blind dates are already hard enough to go through to start with. You have the rest of your profile to describe who you are as a human being to describe what you are looking for or the part of you that doesn't revolve around your sexuality.

I wouldn't normally flaunt being bisexual in public, but on a site like a dating site it makes perfect sense to me to be honest about the fundamentals of who you are. At some point if another person is interested who isn't also bi, you might need to have the discussion that you were having before about likes, dislikes and boundaries and try to come to a decision together about what you both can tolerate.

If you are older than 18 and dating, you can pretty much be sure that everyone you meet has some sort of issue they've struggled with. There is no perfect person..so the question becomes, what do you both find important?, what are the best qualities you are looking for?, what can you tolerate and what can you absolutely not compromise on?

Don't look for the other person to make -you- happy, happiness comes from within you...but if you do find that special someone, it will be worthwhile and sharing will come naturally..at least that's my theory. A couple that was married 60 years once said that their secret is never going to bed angry.

And nothing against you (you were trying to be honest and I think that is admirable), but I think that woman is a saint if she listened to all of the troubles of your past, and what you are going through now and still did not shy away. If she still would like to be friends I would consider that. You can't spend your entire life in the bedroom and friends who are good listeners can be really hard to come by - whether they want to be physically intimate with you or not.

..this is really long winded but it is a good message..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31QNiwCL77M

None of us are perfect, but something does not have to be perfect in order to be beautiful. Forgive yourself and begin again in love.. I think people should have as many chances as it takes to get it right.

[querty]

Elian, very well said... couldn't have said it better.

Bi42, I will "second' one of Elian's points, and that is to be up-front with people you are looking to explore a relationship with right at the start )(ex: listing as Bi on your profiles) - it will save you alot of anxiety such as that which you describe in your note for BOTH you and them. Give people the chance to decide for themselves if they are interested at the start. Yes, it will narrow the field, but actually that is just what you want.

Good luck in your quest!

[elian]

It's not easy, is it?

One thing you guys should remember about my advice is that I try so hard to be smart, witty and clever, but the truth is the only thing I have ever really wanted in this life is to love and be loved.

I guess the best thing to remember is that we don't have to do it all alone.

[bithesea]

I also agree with the idea of being truthful in the beginning. I wasn't at the beginning of my current relationship with my GF, but I wasn't accepting of my feelings at that time, either. My story is different, bi42guy, but like you, I 'm sure we all have disclosures we need to tell prospective partners about. When we write it out in a few paragraphs, it sounds like a lot! Actually, it needs to be told over the course of several meetings, to allow the person to get acclimated.

Your post surprised me on this site, but I'm glad to see it here. To answer your question, I don't think there is anything else you could have said.
Good luck with your new friend!

[tenni]

bi42
What was her decision?

The only thing that I wonder is how much to tell during one disclosure. I wonder if a request for her to use a strap on may be premature and it might have waited for a second discussion after things settled in her mind. I guess that it depends on her past experiences.

[bi42guy1958]

bi42
What was her decision?


She said i had given her a lot to think about, but she was sure she wanted to be friends, you have to start as friends. So I'm just taking it one day at a time and see how it goes.

[chtampa]

I don't think dumping everything at once is necessary. If she expresses a concern on a topic then address it with her. I have dated a lot of women, and their quirks never come out all at once. A woman's mind is surrounded by emotional buffers that only open up when the time is right. Timing is everything with a female. I had a woman that never mentioned she did not allow cum into her mouth until i had licked her to an orgasm and my cock was in her mouth, then she said, "I don't do that". A woman that squirted, one that had herpes, one that would not allow any oral contact below her belly button or mine, one that would not kiss you after you licked on her, and they were all revealed right at the point having sex. All these situations were female acceptable to not be volunteered and I found it to be standard behavior. A man looks at someone and thinks, I want to have a relationship with them, and a woman looks at someone and thinks "They would be nice to talk with". She doesn't need to make a future decision right then like a man does.

Don't ever lie, but don't give all the bad news until she has some good news.