ddbmma's "update" thread

[ddbmma]

I'm not keen to write at length about myself. That
always seems to me a hallmark of arrogance, not keen on
that any. Although here within this community woven of
electrons, a family has come from the ethers to express
concern over me.

It is in the spirit of Tues, or family for those who do
not understand runes, that I post a message 'full of
myself'. There is no arrogance, merely communication of
life with family. If you do not desire reading, please
discontinue now.

On the twenty sixth of July my step father, D*****
passed on in his sleep. He was found around five in the
morning by my mother. She had been up at about one that
morning with him.

He complained of nausea and diarrhea, but justified
this as his acid reflux. Towards the end of last year
he suffered a mild stroke, and had been diagnosed as a
person who had heart attacks without knowing it. A few
doctors appeared certain recently cancer was found in
his colon.

Everyone in our family knew he was fading swiftly. It
was still a shock he left so quick. He was making the
journey and we knew, but the departure time was
unknown.

Through him I learned you do what you love in life and
you do it no matter what else is there. He loved to
drive truck. I've no desire to drive truck, much less a
car, but I've my loves in life.

In the above paragraph I say about all the good I may,
which I knew of him. I'll not speak of anything more
because there are lots of good and bad memories, each
tainted with pain, confusion, despair, hope, joy, love.
It is difficult enough to merely recall him.

As he passed so too did a change within me. A major
lesson has began to effect great changes, good or bad
I'll await the smoke clearing before knowing. Life was
examined and then examined a few more times.

My wife, as it stands to be life, needs surgery on her
eyes. If it isn't one thing, then it's half dozen more.
She has a few people looking out for her.

We spoke last night and I was made aware that a
Catholic hospital may do the surgery pro bono. That's
great, but we both consider the adage "you get what you
pay for" in thinking about it. Besides, there is no
guarantee they'll get to her.

You may know I love to write, if not you do now. The
past decade has given me time writing, honing my usage
of the craft. I've actually studied around three
decades, practiced hard this last one. I began writing
and reading at age four.

Mom always fostered communication on me as a great
ally. She and the instructors at school spooned and
groomed me further in communication. My life is about a
string between two cans, a fire and smoke signals. I
communicate well, or least am told so more oft than
not.

I love to write and I'll do it no matter what else is
there. The act of writing for me is breathing, I must
write or die. My step dad was told he couldn't drive
any longer, he died. Even a week before his death he
was driving, a local dump truck route.

The weather kept him in that morning, or he'd have been
driving. He had to avoid the rain as a result of
medications, failing health. They'd have to kill him to
keep him from driving, obviously. I guess they did in a
way.

Allow me to clarify and qualify the last. I know no one
killed him. He merely grew old as we all do. It happens
and is part of life as sure as the sun rising each
morning.

Meanwhile, I look into my own life. What I see is not
what I desire to see. And so, there are changes to be
made.

I'll always be myself and who, what I am. But, I must
soon return to Virginia for a bit without my wife.
There I can start to work in the janitorial field at a
hospital. It'll pay well and offer good benefits. There
are no such occupations here.

I need to think of family more. My wife and I, our
several critters comprise my family on the immediate
level. I've grand parents in failing health in
Virginia, Mom is alright but she too is wandering along
in life.

I took a week to bury my step dad. It was the first
time I hugged a niece since her birth. We've not been
down to see her, until she's three years old, now. It
was a "great" way to go home to see my niece. "Granddy
is dead and he's gone to heaven."

That's what life is about, family. In family there is
life and without it there is none. Does it sound as
though I've been too involved with the mafioso? I hope
not, but I truly don't care if it does. They have a
good point about family.

Once I've "got my feet under me" at the job, I'll send
for my wife. We've discussed renting a house until we
can afford to buy something. It is for my family I'll
put one love to a side. That is what family is about,
you do what you must to help each other.

I will still write, but it'll take less of my time,
efforts. I can do that, too. I must.

I've written far too much now. Need to dash, her
granddad is having fun mowing. I need to go help him
before he has another stroke.

Ah little ray, our puppy was okay within reason. He's
old too, has a heart murmur. We've got some comfort
medicine for him. The vet said at 14 yrs old there
wasn't much else she could offer, but felt he still had
some time left.

Alright, now I'm dashing. Hope this brings everyone up
to date on our lives here. Run it slow.

[Mrs.F]

Wow, you have such a way with words. I think I could read your writings all day. It's soothing and so REAL!

ddbmma...I wish you and your wife the best in your transition. When times get hard and you just wonder how you will ever make it through...somehow you do. Please take care and know that your thought about.

:angel: :grouphug: :angel: :grouphug:

[littlerayofsunshine]

Oh hun, What a rollercoaster you are on. I'm glad I was able to help you the least little bit from my great distance. Thank you for the update on the little pup. Fourteen years is quite a full life for a pup. Seeing some of the sweet soul you have I know that pups has gotten lots of love and belly scratchin over the years. I hope that the medicine helps him.
Tend to your many gardens in life. You, your wife, your family, and your journey will be in my thoughts, ddb.



Take care and *hugs*
Michelle

[ddbmma]

"Wow, you have such a way with words. I think I could read your writings all day. It's soothing and so REAL! "

Oh dear a compliment beyond "good writing." "Yikes! I'll need to revise more." That's an internal editor's words. Hard keeping the editor quiet.

Actually, the events within this post are roughly three weeks condensed. These events did happen. I've not embelished them for any purpose other than defering some personal details.

Of course on this site, I feel realatively safe allowing a bit more personal to filter through. Drew and crew deserve great credit for that. Thanks.

One minor story about the past few weeks the wife heard last night. Family was allowed to visit privately on Thursday night prior to Friday night's public viewing. As mom and I walked out, I heard the bells from a church in town knelling a hymn.

I stopped and propped the door into the funeral home open so my step father could hear the bells. Our family jokingly says we keep that funeral home afloat, so I didn't feel bad exhausting their air conditioning for my 'dad'.

Mom agreed with my action, we returned to his mother's home there in town. J and C, my brothers were there. I told them about the door. They went down and made sure it was closed after the bells quit.

Sometimes, compassion is a fault. Perhaps not, though it makes life difficult at times. I can not say I loved him, nor hated him. I was given shelter, clothes, food and doctors as required barring doctors for his actions. Then I 'toughed it up, took it inside'.

There was a great deal not right in our home. Mom says despite all that she loved him. I am her son and honor that out of due respect. Life is no lady indeed. She walks with beauty of grace no matter.

But, as you say we continue making it through. We'll keep doing it as long as possible, too. It's all a person can do. Besides, many in our worlds have it dire in greater extremes. Focus thoughts on helping those people, it's clear our nation must be reminded that is our greatest strength, compassion.

Colors never run, they just fade into the ones keeping on. Let's all keep on. And no, I'm not making a political statement. I am making a humanitarian statement, that precludes race, religion, nations, creeds, governments.

We are human, pitch in and help your brothers & sisters if you can. Who knows? A smile on a person's face you help might give you a good smile, too.

I better close now, will be around for a bit. Called mom this evening to talk about work in the hospital. She'll get back in touch a.s.a.p, and then we'll figure out when I head off into limbo. It may be a bit after I get into Virgina before I'm back in touch with everyone.

Rumors of my death will surely be tall tales. I'll be keeping on, take that to the bank. Alright, I'm closing. Run it slow.

[ddbmma]

Spoke with my mom last night. We're to speak again, in about two weeks.
I am going to move to Virginia ahead of my wife. Also I've decided, if I am to
need to move as this, I'll get something back. It'll mean I go back to school,
but I want to shoot for either L.P.N or R.P.N. Today, going to be busy with a
reunion for her family. Run it slow, need to go.

[littlerayofsunshine]

Thanks for the update. You have been in my thoughts. Take care hun and best wishes.

[biandu]

sorry to hear about your stepfather.

many positive thoughts sent your way.


great exploration you've taken us all on.. ...thank you for sharing your journey with us!

[Mrs. Taz]

wow dd, you have been though alot in such a short time. our thoughts and prayers are with you. good luck and please keep us updated and dont be a stranger. hugs kotc

[ddbmma]

This is becoming something of a journal I guess. Never intended it as such, but at least it seems everyone can keep track better. Not really sure I'm one to keep track of, but if it floats for you, then alright. :)

And before anyone brings up where writing falls into the below, it will remain alongside of a primary career. Over the weekend, I spoke with Christy's sister's husband, "Bones". It got pretty clear I could worry either here or there.

There are also other options available in the below outline. "Bones", mentioned checking out W.I.A ( Work Investment Act ), and it might help pay for college to get R.N. Anyway, without further jabbering, away we go.


Enter: The Big Plan

"How does roughly fifty thousand a year sound for a salary?" I asked Christy, today.

"We could put half in the bank and live off the other half. That's four times what I do a year!" She replied.

"Did I mention a full benefits package, and paid education or training?" I asked.

"What's the catch?" She wondered.

"I go to college four years, while holding a full time job. After I complete BSN, get NCLEX certified, I work for the hospital so many hours per year to pay off
loans." I said. "Think I can do it?"

"You can do it. But, why are you wanting to get a BS?" She asked.

"Well, I've enjoyed working in rescue squads. I think I'd do alright as E.R. nurse, to get that you need the BSN." I told her. "Lots of turnover in E.R., burnout is a big factor. Figure I'd still be RN, they can always swap me to another department if I get too zapped."

"Sounds like a good idea. Meanwhile, how does this help us?"

"First, it puts me at home with mom. That lets me help her get everything squared away. Second, although by no means any less important, I'll be working as housekeeping at the hospital to start. You'll get money either sent back, or put aside. I'll pull time to get the benefits, start looking into going for RN. Mom will let us live with her. You mind being a stay at home type?" I asked.

"Hell, if you're going to start pulling in fifty grand a year I'll be glad to be a 'happy housewife'." She told me.

"And we'll get your eyes taken care of lots sooner." I added.

"I know my husband is a genius and loves me!" She shouted.

So that's a rough outline of the Big Plan.

Mom works in the behavioural services department (a.k.a psych ward). She told me there's no guarantee I can get on in housekeeping. The hospital has a recruitment bonus program, though. I figure it's hard for them to find housekeepers.

I'll gladly work two to four years as a janitor while training to be an RN. Mom can get the recruitment bonus for referring me into the housekeeping department. No guarantee, but it appears a better chance with her
referral.

Housekeeping according to Occupational Outlook brings in about thirty grand a year. Working at the hospital full time also provides full benefits. Not a bad way to pay a way through college.

"Why Registered Nurse, Ben?"

Stock in trade are the answers I have for you.

First, simply because ...

R.N are the ones who get it done

R.N can find stable work in any state

R. N present me with a challenge, "it's there"

I enjoy the medical field, but don't want to be a
doctor

Second, why not?

[Tynary]

You write so beautifully. I wish I had your gift. Your life seems so full of minefields compared to mine and reading this thread made me very sad.
I want to be an actress and a writer. I have met no people who can write about themselves, particularly on forums, in a way that captures my intrest so. You are a truly great writer. remember that.

[ddbmma]

Some love minefields, born to dance through them actually. :bigrin: In all honesty, I prefer the least bit of drama in life. We know what life is, though.

And no, I'm not a great writer. Take that back. If I were a great writer my name would be King, Connelley, Brite, Hemmingway, Sheldon, Byron, Shelley, Coleridge, Koontz, Addams, but it's not any of those.

I'm just a starving hack, looking to improve the life of his family whilst persuing two dreams with one stone. In family is life, without family no life. Lately, it seems I've got two wives want them or not.

I'm the tall, dark, blur of ugly behind the scenes making sure mom and wife need not huff & puff, or deal with the yucky messes. "Yes dear ..." In stero even. :) Meanwhile, The Big Plan also keeps roof over heads, clothes on backs, food on tables.

It's all in the loving. :rotate:

P.S. Before anyone asks, yes I am a nutter bar none. Thank you.

[12voltman59]

ddb-- I wish you all the best with the new course you have charted for yourself---

as far as your writing skills--they seem pretty well up there--fro one aspiring writer to another---(I am no longer writing professionally (newspaper reporter) since I have taken a job in sales and have not sold any pieces in about six months now--I do intend to get some pieces done and see if I can get them sold in the near future)---I know the degree of difficulty of breaking into writing beyond writing for papers or magazines---

Even with your decision to get trained to be a nurse--still keep writing---you never know when the lightening might strike---

[ddbmma]

Spoke with mom today about going back to Virginia. As far as plans go, I've got a forthnight (two weeks) before she'll come up. Then, I'll head back with her.

She acts like she wants to deter me from working at the hospital. "You might not get on at the hospital. And if you're going to college it'll be even rougher." I think the next time I speak to her I'll remind her who I am.

"Mom, anything in life worth its weight ever easy to do? When have I ever took easy?" She ought to get the idea then. We talked about annual salary or estimated earnings. "At 30 grand a year for four years, there's 120 grand."

"Where are you getting those numbers?"

"Federal Occupational Outlook Handbook, and these are conservative middle of the road figures for a janitor. A nurse clears about 50 grand a year. See where I'm heading?"

"Damn, but that isn't your only reason to want to be a nurse is it?"

"No, but it damn sight helps to know 50 little George Washingtons a year would come in. I want to help people mom, love doing that. I like the thought of being an emergency room nurse. If I get burned out ..."

"What?"

"We've talked about this before. I've the same answers as then."

"Oh, alright. Well I'm telling you it's tough getting on at the hospital ..."

"That's why you'll refer me to work there. You get a bonus if I hire in and stay over 90 days. I plan on it."

"Well why work at the hospital though?"

"If I'm going to nursing school, why not?"

"Sounds like you've got this thought out."

"Yes, mom. The only part that bothers me is leaving Chris here alone until I can send for her, or we get back to move her out to us."

"She can take her extra week of vacation and come get her eyes worked on."

"Yep, had thought we figured this out. Been hitting the bowl again mom?"

[Laughter] - "No, I'm just tired."

"You better share. Actually you better not, I got a
life to live."

"We'll get it figured out."

"I know."

Which when said has become a running joke in our family now. My niece Zoey when told she looks cute in an outfit replies, "I know." You don't dare correct her either. She's spot on with everything.

So, if I'm not on too much over the next few weeks on, that's why. I'll be around but it may be a lot less. Need to get busy with life again.

No I didn't get any writing today. May work on some tonight. "Ever sleep?"

"No. Well, maybe two to four hours a day, if I'm not pretending."

[void()]

*** ! Important FYI Notice ! ***

To avoid confusion, I've adopted a new handle. Simply put I forgot my old password for ddbmma. As I've moved to Virginia, I no longer may access the old email account used to sign up as ddbmma. Hence, a new handle seemed appropriate. Let me make it clearer. void_dweller is ddbmma.

[ Notice End ]

Presently, I'm in a state restlessness and doubt over much in life. No I'm not working at the hospital. I am in fact working at a local supermarket.

It's a pay check every two weeks of around $200. That at least helps some of those guys named Bill. Everyone has to pay the Bills, common fact of life.

Though I'm not exactly in Nirvanaic bliss with my job, it isn't a horrid acid induced nightmare, either. I've discovered why one fellow, whom I'm often working 'behind' doesn't get much of the work done. There's a manager whom tends to believe her employees cannot take initiative, or think coherently for themselves enough to achieve the completed work.

But, work is always okay. Life is becoming fairl much okay every day. There's no real earth shattering, or glamorous adventure, or events. About the toughest call is what to pack for lunch each day. And given, I'm happy with just "food", that's a real _difficult_ call to make.

I'm looking forward to next Fall. Then I'll apply to the college and hope to be accepted for my journey to get a Psy. D. I'm looking into it to go after a goal of making a career as a criminal behavior analysis psychologist. In simple English, a criminal profiler.

That has caused a bit of minor stir with Mom and my brothers. Basically I've heard, "yeah you go to work hunting down criminals and put away honest folks who might have just jaywalked." Without too much detail, I'll say our family has not always been above board. Honestly, I'd have to include myself in that.

However, for me it's a matter of past being past and now being now. And in the now, I bag groceries and become a zombie for six to eight hours a day, three to four days a week. What could I know of psychology?

After twenty odd years of abuse from my step father, mother, I'd think quite a bit. Yes, mom abused too. She was far more subtle, but it was there nonetheless. Then I look at $200 every two weeks, there's no way I'll ever afford school. But Christy has said if it's what I want to do, there's no not affording it.

She is enjoying being able to see. We saw fireworks this past Fourth of July. It was nice to hear her 'oohing & awwing'. Everyone brags on her cooking. And I'm always run out of the kitchen. Life is good, or just okay anyway.

So, I'm having doubts or maybe practical voices tell me psychology may not suit. I'll ignore them, because I enjoy being a stalker. It's something I've been trained for most of life as a hobby without realizing it.

And it's officially been one year since my step father's death. I asked mom if he was still there (in the ground). She had gone up last night with Christy to see him. Mom said it had grassed over well, he was still there.

It may be difficult to understand, but in an odd way I loved him. He could literally pound and kick the shit out of me, but after a while I began to like that. As I said, it's difficult to understand. I struggle with it, too. And in the end often I'm left feeling a sense of no emotion. Empty, but okay, always okay.

So, I'll go and get accepted and complete my degree in eight to twelve years. Then, I'll hang a shingle, do some pro bono work for child protective services. Pay it forward. Consult as a profiler whilst in private practice. And that'll be okay.

And in case you wonder about everything being okay, it's from a Zen koan.

Basically, a student asks a master, "yesterday you said you were okay, today you say you're okay. Do you not ever have bad days?"

The master smiled, noded and replied, "yes but even when I have bad days, such as you, I'm still okay."

I'm just a little restless with every day being okay. Be nice to meet a guy who's got the okay thing down, too. But, I'm not holding my breath.

Ben

[void()]

[Begin Mild Rant]

Tonight at work was hellish. Everyone from the county had to come in at least three times, to buy worthless crap priced at over six hundred percent mark up. And then complain to the only person who stocks items, bags their crap, hauls in the carts for their crap, "we're out of water and milk." "Yeah, I know. Sorry, what can I do? There's ten more customers in line, please expedite." Some got offended, I didn't care.

Someone asked me in the back on one of the few visits there I was allowed, "are you mad or something?" "No, just board as fuck, and see this is a dead end job. There's no challenge merely the same shit every day, no room to improve or to advance. Ye fucking ha." Their response was "Welcome to _________." Which is pretty much what I expected. Despite the manager saying over sixty days ago upon my hire in, she'd train me on registers also.

We've had let me see, at least two dozen new hire register folks. They come and they go, contrary to that manager's assessment that baggers come and go. Although, I'm tired of the bullshit already. I could leave, but I won't. Still need to pay Bills. And measly as it is, it's still a paycheck.

[End Mild Rant]

I'm home now, enjoyed a little music and mixed a double vodka and coke. It'll probably be the only drink I have, too. Not in the mood to get even buzzed. Not in the mood for much of anything. Seems everything is aack baswards.
"Such is life."

[Doggie_Wood]

Ben - I, like others have already expressed, thoroughly enjoy your verbal intercourse.
You sir, are an exquisite orator of pen to papyrus, or in this case, virtual papyrus.
It is so good to hear from you my good friend. My heart and prayers traverse to and remain with you.
One day, I will make the journey to your neck of the woods, of this I vow.
Until then, take care of yourself and your life that is family.

JD :doggie:

[void()]

And when you do get out to my neck of the woods, the first words I'll say to you are "sit boy." Someone likes Inu Yashi. :) You might also enjoy Samurai 7.

Thank you. May you have peace in all your travels.

[void()]

Tonight at work seemed bland, it was alright. Went to the fair last night, ate some food, played bingo. Saw one guy from work, I knew. He's moving on to better pay in the big city. Can't say I blame him, but then again I figure he'll be rudely woke up.

Sure the work is tedious, that doesn't mean you screw off at it. You go in get it done, go home. Thank them for giving you a paycheck, hand paycheck to wife, ensuring those Bill guys are paid. See maybe five or ten dollars for running money, but you get fed, get smokes, tea.

Recently, I discovered the Chinese place in our shopping plaza. I like to get won ton soup, nice sized plastic bowl for a buck and a half. Asked today about chicken fried rice, it's almost four bucks, too much for a simple lunch. But, I did get four won tons in my soup today instead of three for Buddha.


Spoke to my friend I met in high school recently. We both agreed WIC ought to be centeralized. His wife made him shop. We chatted in K'hmer, or Cambodian for those not aware K'hmer is the national language in Cambodia. My grocery manager laughed, but also looked at me with fear, yet again. "What are you guys speaking?" "Cambodian." "Oh, you speak Cambodian, Ben?"
"No, but my friend does." And my friend grinned "He speaks it well enough to work rice field, drop him out of plane on his ear over Cambodia."

The manager later told me. "You're full of surprises, why didn't you tell me you spoke Cambodian?" "You never asked."

I think she's begun to get sweet on me, has been flirting with me, anyway. Not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I cannot lie and say the thought of engaging her in some form of sexual activity hasn't crossed my mind. On the other, it did for all of a second, to which my counter thought was "nah."

She's cute enough. I'm just not interested in another woman. I've got the best at home, why have another? Now, another guy, that's a horse of different stripes. But, the guys at work are not really anything I'm into. They're guys I work with, we make idle work related chat, some mindless joking at times, but that's it.

Can't wait until next fall. I'll have to apply next spring. It has me chomping at the bit, go and start into learning to be a psychologist, complete with papers and everything. Yay!

It terrifies me, too. I may actually enjoy it too much. :)

Well, that's it for now. Tune in next week when Junior says, "we ought to fire up the gas lamps."

[void()]

"And this just in ..."

I've been considering a novel for a bit now. There's one already written here somewhere. I've yet to revise it due to constraints on time and the fact that it's horrid. But, at least I know I can hammer out 90,000 words.

That was the main reason I wrote my first novel, needed to see if it could be done. Now, considering writing another and really thinking it through. All I can say of it is I don't readily speak of books I'm writing.

A brief description, though I can do. It's a psychological thriller about a profiler.

Alright, description over, move along, nothing to see here. Once I have a draft completed, it'll be announced. Anyone wanting to help by proofreading or critique of the draft may contact me. We'll arrange something then.

Don't expect to read free, because I earnestly may sell a book. Not holding my breath on that, but it may happen. And if it's sold then folks can go buy it, I'll get rich quick and forgo a long trek of school and career. As if.

Well, better run now. Everyone have excellent days, run it slow as rivers to seas.

[void()]

Not sure anyone reads this thread much. Seen a few replies, yet it appears to have tapered off. That's fine. I'm not one to put guns to people's heads and demand anything, lest of course this life or the life of someone I love were dependent upon doing that.

Reading this thread isn't of any great importance. You can read it or not. You may reply or or not. I'm not greatly concerned either way. As it seems that is way most folks here seem to be, not concerned.

I am a warrior and warriors are detached indeed, that is true. Still, through detachment one would hope to find like spirits, kindred. It's not happening on the site, for me at least. Yes I've a few friends and am deeply thankful of those folks.

And part of that gratitude is me honoring their right to not be bothered with problems I face. We live below federal poverty standards. Therefore money is often the calling on the carpet factor for lots of things. I've the attitude of 'it's only money, no need worry with or without it.'

Honestly, I don't worry, either. But, I can agree with something said once. "Whoever says money cannot buy happiness, has plenty of money and happiness." That noted, I've no glamorous and exciting life.

It's a mundane and tedious life. Each day is pushing a rock up a hill. Each breath at times a fight or war. And having been doing it so long, I'm tired of fighting, feel I shouldn't need to fight. But, c'est a le via.

I've met a few interesting guys in the chat here. Then I've seen them vanish. I'll claim responsibility for that. Often I'm tired, not enthused , not horny, blue, frustrated, contemplative, wondering, restless, hungry for the next alleged 'fun' thing (that always bores me after seeing it once), or just flat out depressive or psychotic.

There's no way to afford treatment, even if I wanted it, or merited it. I doubt I do merit it. I'm okay most of the time, but that's just it, I'm okay. Big fucking deal. I'm empty inside from lacking the love of a man.

I have the love of a woman and she fulfills all my need of a woman. We are quite happy together, even if we do not expect anything save integrity, honesty, trust from one another. And really those aren't expectations, more like our givens. We're fine and truly happily married.

Sometimes, I think bisexuality and bi-amour are curses. Especially when no man seems concerned to show interest. There are a few here who have, but like I said, they vanish or are too far geographically. Hence, there's really no point for me to continue here.

I'll just 'bring others down' and that's not right. I'm tired of doing that to friends here, too. They don't need it, want it. I wouldn't either. Everyone be safe and excellent to one another. I may check this thread once in a bit, but I'm not too worried over the site any more.

Perhaps I've just grown up and gotten away from folks because of that. I don't know. At any given enjoy.

ben

[Azrael]

There's no way to afford treatment, even if I wanted it, or merited it. I doubt I do merit it. I'm okay most of the time, but that's just it, I'm okay. Big fucking deal.

People like us are too into the art we create to turn our brains off with chemicals. It's a good thing. Glad to see you're still lurking around!
Always willing to talk, no stranger to psychosis, depression, mania or many other forms of brain cooties.

Do not hesitate to PM me if u like. I always enjoyed chatting with you, I just avoid the room these days. Too many people try to push my buttons.

Strength and Honor-
Tom

[void()]

Well, I'm going on hiatus from the site again.

It's been coming along for some time now, this looming dread within me.
There isn't much point to my visiting. I go into chat and sit, talk to
no one, because no one talks to me.

I've grown from being the enigma to the Eeyore cloud in the corner.
Folks don't want to hear it's always the same feces but a different day.
Every writer, great or not, stands upon the shoulders of giants. Here
I'll do that and elucidate a bit upon interpretations.

Birth, copulation and death. That's all the facts when
you come to brass tacks; Birth, copulation and death. -
T. S. Elliot, Sweeney Agonistes (1932)

He's correct, if but humble. That's all there is to life. I view it in
brass tacks most often. So it is genuinely the same feces on a different
day.

For all our conceits about being the center of the
universe, we live in a routine planet of a humdrum star
stuck away in an obscure corner ... on an unexceptional
galaxy which is one of about 100 billion galaxies. ...
That is the fundamental fact of the universe we
inhabit, and it is very good for us to understand that.
-Carl Sagan, astronomer and writer (1934-1996)

Some here suggest I hide a light within. Perhaps, I do not hide it but
merely temper it with an understanding of insignificance? There is
nothing wrong with humility, prudence.

There's an expression: Life is like bugs on a windshield, some days
you're the bugs, others the windshield. I append that with some days I'm
the wind. I'm always a zephyr.

There are no sails to fill, though. So this zephyr has lost its place.
All he may add is a thought.

We're all bisexuals here on a site that is provided for our safety from
the rest of the world. What point is there to espouse your bisexuality
amongst equals? We're bisexual, so what? What's next?

And a journey leaves this zephyr where it began, seeing life as a
waiting room. No one is sure what we are waiting for, and asking that is
denounced as the ultimate sin. "You just sit around and laugh." Well,
it'd be nice if there were humor in a waiting room. No offense to allbi,
but there is no humor in our waiting room. Allbi does try, I'll grant
him that, and he tries well.

The journey does continue. I'm gradually making progress with a guy.
Perhaps, he'll invite me out for tea or something one evening. Who
knows? I might even feel the solace of masculine arms embracing me
again.

I still love the embrace of my wife. Don't get me wrong, I'll remain
faithful to those loved. And that may be what we await, love. I've found
half of what is needed. Now, I need to find the other half.

And this lacking half stirs me into sadness. This leaks into the waiting
room full of the laughing folks. The ones who don't talk to me, and I
don't talk to. They get upset over the sadness but can do nothing to
help, save offer words. As is evident, I've words a plenty.

That noted I'm working on a new novel. It might get published, and I may
be able to quit menial tedious labor. But, I'm not writing to get
published. The story is about people, love and doing what their highest
right dictates.

Which reminds me of Richard Bach, who says, "Worry not over distance. If
you wish to be with friends, are you not already there?" He makes a good
point. But, when one lacks true friends in their life, what do they go
to? Strangers? Been there and done that. It finds me more empty
afterwards, not much else save the brass tacks.

So I resign from this safe alcove for us a bit. I'll be around, but
scarcely.

[void()]

The past is ever more gone, hence I've deleted it. Let me form congruency here. A year passed and experience provided lessons.

One important lesson, it doesn't matter what I do. As long as I'm doing then it's all in balance. So, if I need to work at a major poultry plant, then so it is.

The plant offers damn good pay, a steady schedule, damn fine benefits. And people there genuinely care. All this makes it worth 40 - 50 hours a week.

Another lesson, I'm becoming my grandfather. Mom and spoke recently. She called me by his name and said thinking like him ought to stop.

I may actually go to college now. Not sure to what end.
Forensic psychology and nursing do not appear practical now. I may look into communications.

But it doesn't matter, as long as I do. Hell, I just may put in twenty years or so at the plant. They pay well enough to consider it a viable career.

By the way, I'm happy. :) Sure I could be more so. But if that's meant to be it will be, if not then not. And I'm alright with that.

[NB: To site administrators, it'd be nice to delete older posts indefinitely. Just a humble suggestion.]

[void()]

Weary is a good word at times. And this is one of those times.

After leaving the poultry plant I spent a year in therapy. It helped a great bit. But it also underscored something unexpected. I really don't have any serious problem. Yes I get bouts of chronic clinical depression. That's only natural and expected I'm told.

The doctor/s say I am one of those high energy types, passionate, stubborn. But that in itself isn't seen as a problem. The problem lies in me getting angry. And me getting angry is human nature, so it isn't a problem either. What the problem truly becomes then is acceptance.

I refuse to accept nothing can be done about things which are clearly wrong. Where I work now, the agreement is night shift is to be finished by 3 AM, that way the cleaning crew has a few hours prior to day shift coming in. But, oh yeah of course there is, some idiot supervisor waits until 2:30 and tells everyone we're running another batch of product. A run like that normally goes for two hours.

So, the cleaning crew is screwed. We get no time to clean and then have to be there longer than our agreed schedule of 5 AM. It's bad enough we have to come in at 6:30 PM the previous evening, and then wait until the lines stop. And I'm not the only person who gets angry. The people who have been doing it a while do as well. But will the company do anything? No.

And now I'm faced with having to quit or be fired. I am not a company slave and don't intend on living in a factory. Yes I want to work, yes over time pay is nice. But damn it when you call your spouse at midnight and tell them you'll be done at 5, you expect to be. And she is no help either. Her response is I need to work, no excuses. I agree with her but I also know that putting up with this isn't part of a healthy environment. I'll slip up, say something bad, do something bad, I know it.

And no job is worth risking that. On the other hand without working, I lose my wife. No job is worth that either. So, I'm weary and tired, angry, jaded. Feel like exploding. If I lose her, my life is gone as well. So, the horrible nasty thoughts keep coming back. Depression reigns. Why the hell can't I find the right way to balance? Why must there always be things unchangeable and wrong? Grr.