coming out to your kids?

[redheadedwench]

just wanting people's opinions/experiences. how old do you think your children should be, before you come out to them?

:confused:

[arana]

I think the maturity of the child and their capabilities of understanding things, especially something as complex as being bisexual, is more important than the age. A child that is still at the level of blurting out things they hear or see in a crowded elevator (i.e. "Mommies girlfriend is coming over for dinner. She said she can't wait to taste her." or "Daddy likes men with big ones.") is not quite ready.

[Reprob8]

I have only told my adult children, the younger two I will tell when I feel they are mature enough to handle it, other than that I will just live day to day like any other normal family and if the kids ask questions I will try to answer honestly in an age appropriate manner for them.

[wanderingrichard]

never had the chance to have kids, so don't know what i'd say. but do agree with arana on the maturity aspect..btw, that yardstick still applies to adults too

[Driver 8]

I don't have kids, but my best friend - a bi guy - does. Since his social circle always included plenty of people who weren't straight, she grew up seeing same-sex couples; as I recall, when he was dating guys after he got divorced, it wasn't a big deal for her because it never had been.

[bitravlinman]

Why do my kids need to know anything about my sex life??

[Driver 8]

If your kids know that you're married to your spouse, or that you're dating someone of the opposite sex, would that be the same as knowing about your sex life?

[innaminka]

Although I am out to my husband, I am not out to my 2 daughters. The oldest one is coming up 15 and says she knows it all about sex - esp. between my husband and I..... :eek:

She also knows Mum had a strange patch about 2 years ago where she got very close to another woman.
(She has no idea how close!!! phew! :female: :female: )
I learned from that and now "play" far afield.

But as far as coming out to them - the time is not yet ripe - if ever! Its purely an individual choice. Everyone has to play it their way. There are no rules or right way/wrong way.

[Vegastud]

I am not out to my son who is 22 now. He may have his suspicions but he has never voiced them, and if he asked me outright I not sure I would confess. I'm divorced and he's my only child, guess I'm scared I may lose him.

[Herbwoman39]

Emotional maturity and their personal experiences play a big part in what age to tell the kids. My sons were 15 and 17 when I came out to them.

They had both already been exposed to others their age who were identifying as gay, bi or queer, so that didn't bother them. They just made me promise not to look at other women when I was with them :-D

Unfortunately my 15 (now 16) year old apparently hadn't gotten past the blurting stage yet becuse about a month after I came out to him, he outed me to his girlfriend while we were in, of all places, the Mall.

SHE couldn't have cared less. *I* was embarrased as hell.

[julie]

...i have three children.. two boys, aged 15 and 12 years and one girl, age 6 years...

...rather than directly broach the subject of my sexuality from cold, i have always been very open with my children about sexual orientation.. as well as race and disability.. and how certain members of society are oppressed by being denied visability....

... i have always taken them along to GBLT pride events and not avoided 'gay areas' when out and about with them... and have accepted and acknowledged their surprise and confusion at affection between same sex couples as well as my friends who are openly gay/lesbian (and latterly bisexual too since i have happily begun to move in bi-circles since realising my own orientation) ..

....I have addressed their confusion by pointing out that many folk are scared of stuff they dont understand.. hence 'gay' being a derogatory term at school... and so GBLT folk end up feeling unsafe expressing themselves openly for fear of being attacked or rejected.. and so end up having to find a safe space where they can express affection for their partners... i suggest my childrens discomfort is not at a natural display of affection.. but rather because society dictates and censors just what we are exposed to...

...just as...in the same way that its very rare to see teachers or folk in authority or in the media who are not white or who are disabled... leaving society to believe that being white, able bodied and heterosexual...is more superior because its more visible!

...because of this drip drip drip approach and always exploring oppressive statements they may make or hear.. my children have all grow up believing

'all equal..all different'

so who is anyone to judge someone else on difference? :confused:

...so when i finally left their father..and once divorced, began exploring my own sexuality... they were just never far behind me in my journey.. simply because i have so little privacy :rolleyes: ... and i refuse to subscribe to the secrets and lies mentality so many familys seem to favour...

...so by always 'telling it as it is' i just responded to my boys questions (aged from around 8 and 11) questions such as

'will you get a new boyfriend now?
'
with comments such as

' well i might...or maybe i'll get a new girlfriend instead.. i might fancy a bit of a change after your dad!'

n yes they were a bit surprised, of course!.. but because it wasn't a secret i was keeping from them.... and because i promised i would always be sensitive to how my sexuality could impact on how they were treated by their peers at school... they very quickly overcame any misgivings and accepted my sexuality as a norm..

and when i first brought home the bi man i am still with a year later they accepted him..and his sexuality..right from the start.. and understand that he too is bi and he has had both male and female partners in the past..

because thats just how it is :bigrin:

my daughter, who is 6 now, has just grown up with my friends and their partners regardless of orientation.. i suspect, because i left her father when she was only 2 years old, that sexual orientation is just not an issue to her.. plus with civil partnerships for same sex couples now being legal in the uk... she is interested at the possibility that she could marry a boy or a girl, though appreciates that although more people tend to end up with someone of the opposite sex, it really is more about just who you happen to fall in love with....

My daughter asks lots of beautiful open questions, which, quite honestly are a gift and a privilege to respond to, with the sensitivity and openness she so deeply deserves... she holds the boundaries by her level of questioning... i take great care to respond with just the requested information... and not use her innocent, age appropriate questioning as an opportunity to offload details she is not ready to hear.. because that, in my opinion, would be as cruel and abusive as secrets and lies...

So a very long answer to your question red headed wench.. but i think it is a very important question which deserves many, well thought through responses....

...good luck in finding a way for managing this for you and you own family...

love julie x :female: :2cents:

[Lorcan]

Why do my kids need to know anything about my sex life??

Because your kids will go up to be real people someday, and they might have to deal with the same problems, or deal with how to handle homophobia, at least. Wouldn't you want their lives to be easier. Wouldn't you like them to be kinder.

[Reprob8]

Kids are allot smarter than we give them credit for and it may just be easier to talk to them about it when they start asking questions or expressing opnions.

[glantern954]

I told my nephew the same day I told his father, he was 13. His father was making derrogatory comments about gays and I called him on it and told him I was bi and that I didn't appreciate his comments.

My nephew later said that it didn't matter to him if I was bi, he knows plenty of kids at school that are.

I think my nephew learned a couple valueable lessons that day.

[julie]

I told my nephew the same day I told his father, he was 13. His father was making derrogatory comments about gays and I called him on it and told him I was bi and that I didn't appreciate his comments.

My nephew later said that it didn't matter to him if I was bi, he knows plenty of kids at school that are.

I think my nephew learned a couple valueable lessons that day.

...Good for you Glantern... i so agree with your observations and others comments that kids are a lot smarter than many folk give them credit for...

... very much like us folk of alternative sexuality... i do believe children can often be an oppressed minority, constantly indoctrinated that older = wiser...

as the example of your nephew and his father so beautifully demonstrates.. this is not necessarily so ): :2cents:

Julie :female: :(

[suegeorge]

I have one son, now 22, and I first told him when he was six.
I had written a book about bisexuality and I was worried that he would start talking about it to people that wouldn't approve - like some of my ex-partner's relatives.
What I said was: "some people love men, and some people love women, but if I love someone I don't care whether they're a man or a woman". He said: "well Mum, you know what they say. Each one to their own"!
That shocked me (pleasantly) but I suppose he had been brought up surrounded by queer/feminist/somewhat alternative people.
He has always been cool about me being bi, but I always kept lovers away unless I thought they were going to be a really serious, long-term part of my life. Now that he's an adult, he still has progressive and open views towards and friendships with people of all sexualities, which is what I hoped for when he was growing up. In his personal life, he seems to be completely straight!
With regards to other people telling their children, of course it depends on their maturity, your own personal circumstances etc. For some people, bisexuality is "just" about sex - so maybe it is something to keep private when they are young. But when they are adults, talking about attractions you have, or have had, is part of being close to them, isn't it? You don't have to be more specific.

Sue

Bisexuality and beyond (http://suegeorgewrites.blogspot.com)

[canuckotter]

I've got a son on the way in November, so I guess this is going to be an issue for me... But I doubt it's going to be a big issue, because the kid is pretty much guaranteed to spend a lot of time with his uncle and the uncle's roommates, who are all gay, and we have a lesbian couple that also comes over on an occasional basis... With any luck, the kid will grow up without internalising that whole "a couple is a man and a woman" nonsense that many of us are burdened with. :)

[CUMM2LBV]

ARE YOU SHITTING ME???????

[MikeW]

ARE YOU SHITTING ME???????
What makes you say that?

[jenniferhell@hotmail]

i dont think it is my kids bisness to know my sexualty i think if they ask questions i will answer them as truthfully as i can but my sex life should stay my bisness and stay in my bed i dont think it is approtpite to bring my kids into that part of my life. or my mother into it eather i wont even kiss her infrount of her. i belive it sould stay privite for the protection of the kids because of the fact they wont understand it.