Defence mechanisms or personality?

[Boogie2u]

I am going to admit something to you guys and its not pretty but im not sure where it comes from or why i do it so any input, suggestions, and criticisms would be appreciated.
I seem to have a knack for hurting those around me , not physically but emotionally and mentally. i seem to do this unconciously and with venom sometimes.
i despise the mundaneness of life and the way we all seem to 'accept our lot in life', the complacency and the lack of protest or fight. i become harsh with those i care about and when i see that im hurting them i get a realisation that im a complete idiot for doing this and become depressed and angry with myself.
I have never settled to one person, a good person recently said that noone has ever really got to know me , got to REALLY know me (and perhaps that even i dont know myself ). I seem to consistantly hurt this person, who is kind and considerate and gentle towards me... it seems that i struggle with anyone that tries to get close to me...i dont want to end up alone in life but my island feels so distant from everyone else...for my childhood years the closest person to me was my dog...i feel closer to dogs than humans!
Its almost as if i become suspicious of people and im thinking "what do they want from me, what are they going to take from me" yet my heart bleeds for company and understanding... any thoughts guys?

[EludedSunshine]

i despise the mundaneness of life and the way we all seem to 'accept our lot in life', the complacency and the lack of protest or fight.
I also have the habit of doing this. And I tend to become incredibly harsh about it. I've spent my whole life watching people around me be abused by others--and just take it! Like they're accepting some deserved punishment or something. It's such bullshit and it makes me so angry. I know I've hurt people I really care about, because I absolutely won't let them back down. So I've made many relationships strained and difficult.

But most of the time they end up better, as well. I think if you feel the need to push people to defend themselves, many will come to thank you after they've seen how it can turn out positively. But you do need to approach it with some level of compassion for them to truly believe that you have their best interest in mind (I have a problem with compassion, still). So, my opinion is my own, but I believe that helping people stand up to life is better than letting them get tromped all over for the rest of theirs.

...And hey. I'm with you about dogs. I definitely like animals better than people 99% of the time.

As for the rest, I can't really comment out of personal experience... except for the part where you wonder what people want from you. I feel the same way because there have been maybe two people in my entire life who haven't abused my willingness to help whenever I can. So I don't believe suspicion is a foolish approach at all. I would just suggest to keep people at a distance for as long as you need, but don't count them out before knowing anything about them.

I hope that helped, if even a little. I'm so tired right now that I'm not sure if it made sense, but I felt the need to respond.

[neveen]

basic psych 101 here....when we can't love or accpet orself, or just have self-hate or self loathing, feeling we're not good enough or not deserving to be treated kindly...we treat others that way. so, get in touch w/ ur own sense of self worth, and then u can share those feelings w/ others...untill u see it in urslef, u can't see it in others :2cents:


...basically, watch more oprah :P

[Long Duck Dong]

lol I am a rule breaker, a extremist, I test the limits of everything.... and I have no time for the system or society

many people see me as a caring, loving, kind deep person, and they are right.... to some extent..... but I am also hard, tough and not a easy person to get on with
interestingly enuf, its rare to see me like that in a forum..... except a religion or spiritualist forum........in them forums i really call it as I see it, and I am known for doing full one, in ya face, chats.... I go in hardcore, teach hard, play hard, live hard
I am not a skeptic, a cynic etc..... I am more a realist.... I see 90% of the bs flying around and I state my case

for example, I see the anti gay marriage stuff of religious outfits and the govt, and I am quick to say that they don't have a problem taking tax m or using the services provided, but they are the first people to screw over the gay people as sub human

same with bisexual rights..... i wanna know what rights ??? and aside from hearing that we need the gay community to acknowledge us...... I haven't heard any decent stuff about what rights we don't have.....
hell we have more respectability, acceptability and rights than a lot of heterosexual races... and yet we whinge about how one group of people has a issue with us ????.... and if anybody wants to argue about that..... more bi porn is made than any other type, the bisexual community is larger as a whole ( including in denial and in the closet bi's ) than the hetero or gay communities
etc etc...... and yeah its based mainly about sex.... what what the hell do people think bisexuals are.... people that have a attraction, either platonic or sexual, to both sexes

[Azrael]

i despise the mundaneness of life and the way we all seem to 'accept our lot in life', the complacency and the lack of protest or fight. i become harsh with those i care about and when i see that im hurting them i get a realisation that im a complete idiot for doing this and become depressed and angry with myself.

Yep, I think I'd probably be a lot happier if like so many around me I just got used to the feeling of the bit in my mouth. That's why I write, to settle into a reality of my creation.


I have never settled to one person, a good person recently said that noone has ever really got to know me , got to REALLY know me (and perhaps that even i dont know myself ). I seem to consistantly hurt this person, who is kind and considerate and gentle towards me... it seems that i struggle with anyone that tries to get close to me...i dont want to end up alone in life but my island feels so distant from everyone else...for my childhood years the closest person to me was my dog...i feel closer to dogs than humans!
Its almost as if i become suspicious of people and im thinking "what do they want from me, what are they going to take from me" yet my heart bleeds for company and understanding... any thoughts guys?
This is the case with me sometimes. Either my family puts me in akward situations or people I know force me to keep everything about me to myself in the interest of being civil. Perhaps what you're talking about is a bit of both defense mechanisms and personality. I'm a cat person, so I can relate. Forget Oprah, the answers lie within. Is there anything creative you like to do? That always helps for channeling angst into something useful.

[jedinudist]

basic psych 101 here....when we can't love or accpet orself, or just have self-hate or self loathing, feeling we're not good enough or not deserving to be treated kindly...we treat others that way. so, get in touch w/ ur own sense of self worth, and then u can share those feelings w/ others...untill u see it in urslef, u can't see it in others :2cents:


...basically, watch more oprah :P

I've got to agree. I hated myself before I accepted my orientation... as a result, I tended to not like other people either. I've noticed that is starting to change now that I have accepted my orientation and come out.

[Herbwoman39]

Simply put, if we don't learn to love ourselves, how can we learn to love anyone else?

You are JUST as deserving of love and caring as your dog. Once you learn to give yourself the same love and caring you give your dog, you might find the compassion to begin extending that love to the people in your life.

[csrakate]

I am going to admit something to you guys and its not pretty but im not sure where it comes from or why i do it so any input, suggestions, and criticisms would be appreciated.
I seem to have a knack for hurting those around me , not physically but emotionally and mentally. i seem to do this unconciously and with venom sometimes.
i despise the mundaneness of life and the way we all seem to 'accept our lot in life', the complacency and the lack of protest or fight. i become harsh with those i care about and when i see that im hurting them i get a realisation that im a complete idiot for doing this and become depressed and angry with myself.
I have never settled to one person, a good person recently said that noone has ever really got to know me , got to REALLY know me (and perhaps that even i dont know myself ). I seem to consistantly hurt this person, who is kind and considerate and gentle towards me... it seems that i struggle with anyone that tries to get close to me...i dont want to end up alone in life but my island feels so distant from everyone else...for my childhood years the closest person to me was my dog...i feel closer to dogs than humans!
Its almost as if i become suspicious of people and im thinking "what do they want from me, what are they going to take from me" yet my heart bleeds for company and understanding... any thoughts guys?


Your inability to love and accept others seems hinged on the fact that you don't seem to love and accept yourself. Before you try to understand why you treat others this way, perhaps you need to understand why you treat yourself this way.

As for your friend that constantly accepts your vitriolic outbursts, bless them..but they too need to reassess why they allow you to treat them the way that you do.

Until you love and respect yourself you can never expect to love and respect others. Seek some counseling...no one needs to be alone unless they choose that lot in life. Seems to me that you are crying out for help.

Hugs,
Kate

[happyjoe68]

Having spoken to Boogie, I know that him and me are cut from the same cloth

For years I was consumed by anger at many things. I stuck the boot into anyone who crossed my path - no-one was spared

Sexuality wasnt the issue. It was the mundanity of life and having to live and work at the pace of others, rather than the more aggressive pace I enjoyed.

Of course, in the end it burnt me out. Even though the manic phase got me what I wanted (a PhD), ironically, it also killed off my desire for further research.

I thought I needed anger, but it needed me more, for it fed off me and left me with nothing. Now when I read Nietzsche I no longer feel like I've plugged myself into the mains electrics.

I understand Boogie's excrutiating position at home, and know that this is perhaps at the root of his unhappiness

After all this, I feel that most concerns that parents, politicians, corporations, etc., try to foist on us in life are trivial

Perhaps Buddhists are right when they say that desire is at the root of all unhappiness

The secret is to let go ...

[tom_uk]

The secret is to let go ...

or just enjoy the journey - isn't life just a voyage of self discovery?

i did here a fantastic radio programme today about Cavafy - you can listen again at

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/arts/pip/4ba82/

or read Ithaka which is just ..... well you can read it for yourself

http://ithaca.rice.edu/kz/Misc/Ithaka.html

could find the 1/2 an hour time well spent

tom_uk