Is it cheating?

[Birobertb]

Would it be cheating to go to the gay sauna to just check out the guys and then just jerk off, im not saying i could keep my hands to myself but lets say i could, would it be cheating?

[playful808]

Would your partner be hurt to find out?

[Birobertb]

Would your partner be hurt to find out?

Somehow i knew that would be the answer. Its a good point. Besides the jerking off part its kind of like going to see strippers, again would you tell the wife?! I guess the only thing that really isn't cheating is fantasies.

[KDaddy23]

If you're not participating in whatever is going on, many would say you're not cheating - but some would say that you are emotionally cheating because you're looking at live porn. You could come home from the sauna and tell your wife, "Guess what I saw some guys doing in the sauna!" and maybe she'll freak out, might ask you if you turned around and left immediately upon seeing whatever those guys were doing, shit, might even be wondering why you mentioned it in the first place.

Would telling her something like this make her think you're cheating? That's the real question to be answered. I knew a wife who accused her hubby of cheating because she caught him jerking off.

[Birobertb]

Ye theres definitely a case for to say it kind of is. On the other hand i look at women all the time and don't tell her, i mean obviously i look at an attractive women. She just doesn't know i look at men sometimes but cock if i can

[playful808]

Learn to talk more honestly about sex. With your partner.
Learn to ask for what you really want.
It is an important skill, and under-developed for most people.

Hopefully, it will bring you closer, give you both greater intimacy and pleasure.
You might even find new dimensions to your relationship, fall in love all over again.

[Birobertb]

Learn to talk more honestly about sex. With your partner.
Learn to ask for what you really want.
It is an important skill, and under-developed for most people.

Hopefully, it will bring you closer, give you both greater intimacy and pleasure.
You might even find new dimensions to your relationship, fall in love all over again.

I understand really what your saying. But its not an option.

[playful808]

Ouch. So sorry.
I need to remember that it takes two to communicate.

Do you and she still have sex?
If not, words like "cheating" begin to lose meaning.

[KDaddy23]

Cheating is such a confusing thing. There's what you think it is and means... and then there's what other people think about it. There are some who'd say that if you even thought about doing it with anyone else, you're cheating. Hell, we assume that our partner is gonna cheat on us at some point and some folks are so sure of this that when they can't uncover any evidence of cheating, they create some and, no, I am not joking about this. Talking to a partner about it is both good and bad, provided you can get them to talk about it in the first place; it is so fucking weird that couples can't sit and talk about sex - that's how private we treat this. That and with some folks, if you're talking about sex, you're probably thinking about cheating; otherwise, why are you having this conversation in the first place? Everything we do in a relationship is designed to prevent cheating and if you stop and think about it, you'll see what I mean. Not everyone cheats or has reason to; some might think about it but won't ever cross that line... but some people do cross it and I think it's stupid to assume that it's not supposed to happen when, clearly, it does. It doesn't mean that just because you (not you, Birobertb) would never have reason to do anything that remotely resembles cheating, no one else should ever find reason or they wouldn't ever have a reason, oh, like the person who's "job" it is to have sex with you decides that they're not gonna do it any more and nothing you're gonna say to them is going to change their mind about it.

And in this situation, which is pretty common among bi men, just what the fuck do you think is gonna happen? Men don't handle being made celibate very well so, sure, something has to be done about it because it is emotionally and physically damaging to us... and more so if a guy chooses not to step out on his partner so you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you wouldn't cheat no matter what, good for you and I'm not being facetious about that - you are to be congratulated. But if you do, well, don't get caught. It is what it's always been and always will be until we decide to remove this aspect from the relationship model.

[NjbiGuy01]

I guess it's simple rationalizing on my part, but I've always thought that the MFM or MM scenes I participate in, are things I simply cannot get at home.
I play safe, discrete, and my wife does know I played bi "years ago", so to some degree it might not surprise her if she found out (the MM stuff at least).

[libra1984]

That depends upon what your partner feels, my ex wife got jelouse everytime I simpily watched pornography. Lol we traded 30+ of the porn videos I had collected prior to me meeting her for a couple cartons of cigarettes.

[Tnstr8sucker]

Depends on who's definition you use. Then it depends on the ultimate outcome.
I'm lucky in that my wife and I are 100% open with eachother, on the same page, and she knows everything that I do.

With that said. If she wasn't ok with it, would I still do it?
Yes.

I would never tell someone what they should do in their own relationship, but I have my personal opinion.

Most of the guys I hook up with are "cheating"

For whatever reason, they have desires that are not being met at home. Be it bisexual desires that they can't discuss, or as simple as he wants blowjobs and she doesn't suck dick.

In either case, that desire isn't going to go away. He's not suddenly going to be straight, or he's not going to say "I'm ok without getting a bj again"

It's nice to think but the reality is, love doesn't change desires.

If she is his sole source, and that source is a NO. There will be resentment. That resentment will show in the relationship.

Well.... what if everything is great otherwise. Happy family, good relationship, but just this one nagging issue that doesn't go away?

So once a week, on his lunch break, he meets up with a friend, takes care of that little issue, and goes home happy.

What was a constant nagging thing on his mind, it not an issue now.

As long as he is mindful to not engage in high risk activities, that could impact others, I see it as a reasonable, logical option.

Doing it could cause problems. Not doing it certainly will.

Again. I'm just speaking of it in logical terms. Im not saying its moral or "right"

[Birobertb]

Yes we still have sex, and im nit complaining. Its just that i sometimes have cock on my mind. Telling her would not turn out well in the long run I know it. And we have kids to think about. I had thought about telling her when we first started seeing each other but then i wasn't thinking so much about cock, as the first year was all exciting, the way a new relationship is. Now i know ir wouldn't be a good idea.
So I'm trying to find a way to help with my cock cravings. Ive had lors before so i know i want it. Gay porn sometimes helps but really not so much. The other option is to find someone in my situation, someone that we can relieve ourselves every now and again in secret, then i thought of the jerking off in ghe gay sauna as a option but the more I think about it the more its a bad idea. Then the other option is to just bare it, I mean i can bare it with not going for another woman and seriously, i check out almost all women.
I always thought id never want to cheat, and my wife would know everything i know, but it for this, it hasn't turned out like that.
The way i see it is the family is the most important and if i end up too frustrated and its starting to affect life i will. With the best option being with a guy like myself. For now i can bare it.

[sysper]

the question is, how much ru willing to sacrifice for ur wife? sounds like u take ur fidelity very serious. even j/o with another guy would be a bad idea. if it's that important consider ur sacrifice of not doing anything even with guys, as a sign of love for ur wife.

[KDaddy23]

So this is where it gets dicey: If you're in a sauna and some guys are in there getting it on and you masturbate to what you're seeing, is that cheating?

[playful808]

Sounds like you currently have nothing to regret, but on this path, you soon will.
And little secrets get lonely, they seek out bigger secrets.

Consider a trying a different approach with her.
Next time you and she are making love,
put one of her fingers in your mouth and suck on it while you cum.
Let her see that you enjoy it.
Then rave about how great your sex life with her is.

No need to push, just lead.

[69plus1]

If you have to ask you already know the answer.

[CTmale50]

I would say it's cheating if you're in a relationship AND you don't tell her about it. If a guy's dick is in your hand and you make him cu., then it's sexual.Ute

[fredward]

Going to a gay sauna -- and I have been to lots -- is another step down the road and away from your wife. Maybe that's OK, but it's a step away, for sure, no matter how you rationalize it. And that might be the right thing for you. If you're OK with that, then you don't need our permission. Some men discover they're gay, and may wish to make that a permanent change in their life. Other men (like me) decide that they are bisexual, and want to continue living with their (opposite sex) life partner.

For me, I've decided that my MM play is my own business as long as I'm careful about safety. My wife isn't super into sex, tho we have been swinging the last few years. My line in the sand is that I will not have any kind of play with a woman unless my wife is involved. Somehow, that's different to me in my mind.

So you may be thinking, why not introduce MM play into our swinging play? In fact, it happened once, but the opportunity hasn't arisen naturally since then and I haven't chased it. If my wife found out about my MM play, I'm not sure what, if anything, would change in our relationship. I doubt she would leave me, but she might decide that she's done with sex and stop swinging. So I'm hesitant to push too hard. I would like to have more MM opportunities with her present.

[Neonaught]

If you do decide to go to a gay sauna be very careful. The ones here in Houston have a reputation for being frequented by a large number of HIV positive men. Protect yourself!

[Birobertb]

Im not going to go to a sauna, im over with that part of my life. Nor do i want to sneak around. Im going to look for a chat buddy, someone into the same as myself, from here i already know chatting helps.

[KDaddy23]

I'll say this: Birobertb, if you're going to the sauna for anything other than enjoying a sauna, then if you don't wanna be tempted into being unfaithful, just don't go to the sauna. On the surface, there's nothing wrong with hitting the local sauna and relaxing - and because you need to; likewise, you aren't responsible for what other men do there and, at least in my opinion, if you're watching them and even jerking off as you watch them, okay, no foul being committed here... but if you're of a mind to become a participant, well, yeah, that's a problem. It really doesn't mean that you can't go to the sauna and relax and all that but it does mean that you have to have the willpower not to give into the temptation to do something and if you're not sure you have that level of willpower, then your decision not to go back is a good one.