when does one stop being bi curious and become... [Archive]

mrplayfuluk

Sep 16, 2006, 9:08 AM

bisexual?

for me its a sense of knowing; looking back at my sexual history and my fascination with man2man activity during my teens then college years with like minded people, I can now reflect and say I am bisexual by nature, not bi curious any more; yet at the time the term 'bi curious' didn't exist in my vocabulary and gay culture terrified me as I didn't feel I belonged there. I remember the first time I used my internet connection to look for gay images and discovered Bel Ami... the hairs on my back stood on end and I was hard as a rock!!! Incidently I think some men come to be bisexual later in life because they haven't had time to reflect before and the internet has opened a faster route for self discovery.

how about you when did you switch and what are your experiences? :three:

littlerayofsunshine

Sep 16, 2006, 9:21 AM

When I started puberty about 8 or 9, watching television, Seeing romantic scenes, Women being kissed on their mouths, neck and breasts, would cause what I call twitches in my vagina. Playing house where I would pretend to come home and kiss my wife (my best friend) caused the same stirring. Then around 11 years old. Had a sleep over with a friend, both of us, very blossomed, in the dark together we started talking about our bodies and the changes. Then we explored each others bodies, kissing, telling the other what to do to. Even stronger sensations in my vagina than I had ever had. I knew then for sure, that I liked girls "in that way". Not that it was easy knowing then. I didn't know the term bisexual until I was in my twenties.

Sparks

Sep 16, 2006, 9:49 AM

Each of here has been aware of our sexuality from an early age. It's simply nature. Socitey, nevertheless, including the gay community, puts the label of homosexul on us.

My experience? The bi community is far more intimate and discreet than the str8 and gay community. It's about friendship first, and then the sharing of pleasues with no strings attached. :2cents:

miamiuu

Sep 16, 2006, 10:00 AM

I always viewed bicuriousness as a level of bisexuality. I think it is just a b.s. label because if you are attracted to both sexes that pretty much seals the deal in my opinion.

Avocado

Sep 16, 2006, 10:35 AM

I think it's when someone realises they fancy someone in person. Shame in public can put that off for a long while.

DiamondDog

Sep 16, 2006, 5:10 PM

I always viewed bicuriousness as a level of bisexuality. I think it is just a b.s. label because if you are attracted to both sexes that pretty much seals the deal in my opinion.

Interesting point. I kinda see the label that way too; but I do support people exploring their sexuality, since lots of people don't do that and just pick one side of the gay/het dichotomy.

Let's face it, nobody asks gay or het people before they've had sex, "hey are you really gay curious?", or "What makes you so sure you're straight?"

I do support "bi-curiosity," because how else do you find out if you are, indeed, conclusively bisexual? A friend of mine that's straight told me how a few years ago he went through a curious stage where he tried sex with a guy but didn't enjoy it. Or even before I had sex with a guy I'd done "experimental" sexual play with guys as a kid, and while I had strong sexual and emotional attractions/dreams/fantasies about men, there still was that little voice of doubt that said, "well what if you have sex with a guy and hate it?"

That didn't happen though; but I did find it A LOT more enjoyable than my first time having sex with a woman, even if I did wind up getting drunk on whiskey and picking up a trick from a gay/glbt bar. I was safe though and acting out a personal fantasy of mine, and while I was drunk I wasn't forced into doing anything that I didn't want to do.

I was acting on a desire and I'm happy that I did this.

Anyway that's the night I discovered my bi dar heh heh heh. ;)

Herbwoman39

Sep 16, 2006, 5:38 PM

I always viewed bicuriousness as a level of bisexuality. I think it is just a b.s. label because if you are attracted to both sexes that pretty much seals the deal in my opinion.

I could not agree more :) As DD said, no one asks hets or gays questions like that. But then that's the thing with the binary system. Either you are or you aren't. But with bisexuality and heterosexual"privelege" <please note the intended sarcasm> every time we change relationships, people tend to question our sexuality.

When are they going to learn that the world is NOT black and white?

ThrillMe

Sep 16, 2006, 5:54 PM

Well, I hate to break it to you but ...

When does one go from being self-curious to self-pleasuring?
When does one go from being hetero-curious to heterosexual, or homosexual-curious, or bi-curious.
When does one go from being homosexual to bi-curious?

You break out of the word "curious" when you experience the act .. self, hetero, bi, or homosexual.

We are all hit an early age where we say "Hmm...I like myself" and/or "I like girls" and/or "I like guys" and/or "I like both".

Curiousity in and of itself is natural, and all to often repressed (and sometimes to an extreme - biphobia or homophobia).

So ... you stop being bi-curious the moment you TRY the opposite of what you've been doing and decide you like them both!

Herbwoman39

Sep 16, 2006, 6:12 PM

So ... you stop being bi-curious the moment you TRY the opposite of what you've been doing and decide you like them both!

Gotta disagree here hon. I'm a prime example of how one can be bisexual and not have experience. I'm married and monogamous. I've been married for going on 9 years to an amazing man who supports me in my exploration.

However, I have only been out to myself as a bisexual for just shy of 2 years. What little experience I had was when I was 15 and I called that "molestation" because I was so deeply in denial.

I have never had a full experience with a woman, but there are thing I know about myself. I know I get very excited from watching BET videos and early performances by the Pussycat Dolls. I know that I have same sex dreams and fantasies. I love sexy women. I love men. Thus, I am bisexual.

I'm not curious about it. After two years I KNOW I like women. And one day when I find the RIGHT woman AND hubby becomes secure enough to share me, then I'll have my experience.

Someone who is a hetero virgin is not hetero-curious. Just because I haven't done the actual act doesn't make me less bisexual than anyone who *has*. My sexuality is just as valid as anyone elses who *has* had experience.

element_of_wind

Sep 17, 2006, 4:43 AM

I don't know how to draw the line between "bisexual" and "bi-curious."

The terms "straight", "bisexual", "gay", and even "asexual" aren't sharply bordered categories - they blur together on a continuum.

While I think I'm close enough to being evenly attracted by men and women to definitely be bisexual, I can't say the same for other folks.

Avocado

Sep 17, 2006, 5:10 AM

In response to a few points since my last post...

In my opinion, fractions don't matter. If you fancy 1 in 10 women and 9 in 10 men or vice versa, you're 0% straight, 0% gay and 100% bi. I believe that lack of history doesn't equal lack of sexuality. My definition of curious is either wondering what it's like, or having fantasies when you're at home but not finding members of the relevant sex attractive in person. Unless of course you wouldn't find them attractive at home - be it in your head, on the net or on TV etc - anyway, in which case you're bi but are yet to see someone you find attractive in person, but you do find others in those categories attractive and would do in person.

Nara_lovely

Sep 17, 2006, 6:41 AM

I always saw the term bi-curious as a description of the journey, rather than a defining term.

The timing from be-curious to bisexual (as I like to say...Bi-definite!) is when the decision is made within yourself; that could be formed a distinct yes, or a slow dawning, or takes a matter of moments to a matter of years.
It's within the individual, not a step-by-step procedure.

...and I applaud those who have gone through this journey, regardless of the outcome.

12voltman59

Sep 17, 2006, 8:08 AM

For me the term "bicurious" served a purpose--I had always had the desire to want to be not only with women but with men too and of course had my experiences with some---

Society says that if you have sex with someone of the same gender then--you are "queer", "homo", "faggot" or at best "gay."

I did not/do not like any of those "labels" and did not/do not accept any of the attributes that so attach to them---

For me--the term "bicurious" defined as best as any term can what I was then--someone trying to figure out what the hell "this thing" is-that is--the desires I have for wanting to not only have sex with women but with men as well.

While I still have not found a man to have a relationship with as yet---I now know what I am--I have gone from "bicurious" to knowing that I am bisexual--even if I never have a relationship with a guy ---I do know that I do have another label attached to me---a bisexual.

So from my perspective---"bicurious" is a completly valid and useful label/term for people to use----

Avocado

Sep 17, 2006, 8:15 AM

ScifiBiJen

Sep 17, 2006, 10:53 AM

You break out of the word "curious" when you experience the act .. self, hetero, bi, or homosexual.

We are all hit an early age where we say "Hmm...I like myself" and/or "I like girls" and/or "I like guys" and/or "I like both".

You're the second person in this thread to assume we ALL figured out when we were young that we liked the same sex. I didn't and I KNOW there are others here who didn't either. I'm also still a bi-virgin but I KNOW that I'm bisexual. Don't assume your situation applies to all the rest of us.

In regards the the term "bicurious", I think what separates it from bisexuality is certainty and self-acceptance. Especially with does of us who get our first hint that something may be different in our late teens, 20s, 30s or beyond... the first thought is not going to be met with instant acceptance and understanding. No, some people go through a long time of not really understanding what these thoughts mean to their lives or how to redefine themselves with concepts they've been taught, subconsciously or not, to steer clear of. "Bicurious" is part of the journey and I'm certainly not going to fault someone for taking their time in figuring things out.

As a side note, while we are all vocal about abandoning the binary concepts of sexuality... I'm catching some hints of "trinary" thinking in this thread, and that isn't any better. Part of having a sexuality spectrum means that your first bi thought doesn't make you immediately and irreversibly bisexual.

12voltman59

Sep 17, 2006, 11:04 AM

Avocado--thanks for that definition of "queer"--I just remember back to when I was a little kid and how that term got applied to anyone who was any bit different from the main gang--it always seemed that I was outside the loop--on so many things

So it may be a bit hard for me to embrace that term with much affection....

Pyrotex

Sep 17, 2006, 2:38 PM

I am one of those guys who grew up being solely attracted to girls. My first wet dream was of a girl, as were all my fantasies thereafter -- until I was about 26. It was then I started dating ( I was a very late bloomer ), and had my first sexual encounters. They didn't go well, by and large. I see now that the 'fault' was mine: lack of social skills and maturity. But I began to worry that I might actually be gay.

Yeah, I know that sounds silly now. I guess you could say, I became "bi-curious" out of desparate need to know what my sexuality was. That was when I purposefully started experimenting with bi-fantasies. Oddly enough, the orgasms that resulted were just as fantastic as with my het fantasies.

So, I tried (lamely) to find a real partner of the male persuasion to have sex with. That didn't go well either.

My first successful sexual relation with a woman was 2 years later, and was the start of a massive learning curve. I was relieved that I enjoyed sex with a woman so much. But the bi fantasies never went away. I shared this secret with my lover and she was delighted. We wound up sharing all our fantasies with each other and acting many of them out with each other. Some fun! I would say that was when I stopped being "curious" and accepted that I was bi.

It would be another 10 or 12 years before I actually made it with another guy (and it was FANTASTIC!). :tongue:

Herbwoman39

Sep 17, 2006, 4:20 PM

Queer is a term adopted by the queer community to mean all queers, not just gays, for example. It's especially a meaningful term for us bi's, as it helps with our "queer as you" stance. It also is a great tool against the "you're either gay, straight or a bit straight or a bit gay" attitude. An article I read a few months back said it best at the end: "I'm 100% bisexual and 100% queer".

Thanks for the definition :) I like the sound of "queer" because it encompases the entire spectrum from 99% hetero to 99% gay without havin the same label conotations as Bi does.

AndrogynousLuv

Sep 17, 2006, 6:44 PM

I think that this is an interesting topic in that so many people now label themselves this way and I am sure that is an honest assessment of what their sexuality is or where it is. But it seems to be a convenient place to stay too....either way, whatever people need to face themselves is fine by me. The only time I have a problem with the label is when someone is being dishonest about it and uses it for purposes to impress or score...in time, they are all exposed for what they truly are...but for those who truly are curious and are in the phase of exploration, I wish them all the very best...eventually they will arrive where they need to be whether it's bisexual or not...eventually we'll all be there and hopefully all be able to move past all such labels and accept all humans as sexual without labels attached....

DiamondDog

Sep 17, 2006, 7:09 PM

Queer is a term adopted by the queer community to mean all queers, not just gays, for example. It's especially a meaningful term for us bi's, as it helps with our "queer as you" stance. It also is a great tool against the "you're either gay, straight or a bit straight or a bit gay" attitude. An article I read a few months back said it best at the end: "I'm 100% bisexual and 100% queer".

Do you have a link to that article?

I use bi as a way to describe myself but only because it's something that people will understand. Queer makes sense as a label to me as does being "sexual", or not even using a label but people don't get it.

I just see sexual labels as being about politics and they're not about behaviour anymore. Queer is a political label too but it's one that I prefer to use.

EludedSunshine

Sep 17, 2006, 8:39 PM

I'm also still a bi-virgin but I KNOW that I'm bisexual. Don't assume your situation applies to all the rest of us.
Agreed. And I'd like to take it one step further.

By most definitions, I'm a bi-virgin. I've kissed the same sex and done a SLIGHT bit of touching, but I've never had the full sexual experience that (I'll assume) most people would define as the loss of bi-virginity. I knew that I was bi long before that, without ever having to have touched a woman (or a man, for that matter). The later experience with another woman did nothing to either confirm nor deny my bisexuality. It just was.

So, what if when I lose my bi-virginity fully and completely, I don't like it? Will not liking the actual act of sex with women (if I give it a few more goes just to be sure :tong: ) completely negate my feelings toward women? I doubt it. Will it make me any less bi? Many people would probably say yes, but I wouldn't. Perhaps it would make me less bisexual, simply by definition, but certainly not less bi-<insert any other bi label not dealing specifically with sex>. If this were to happen to me, I certainly wouldn't be running for Camp Straight. The bi feelings I've known for the past eight years are me.

As to the original question, I agree with many of the posters here: you stop being bi-curious when you know in your mind/heart what you are, regardless of whether or not you change your outward label. It may take experience. It may not.

smokey

Sep 17, 2006, 9:02 PM

When I was growing up in the 60's in the south if you weren't a jock (and I am not) and were into things like art and creative writing and drama (like I was) you were immediately a fag. I spent most jr high and into high school being beaten up on a regular basis by jocks (and boys trying to divert attention away from themselves) even though I barely knew what being queer or a fag was. When I got out of the military and on my own, I had to find out what I was for myself. This was in the early mid 70's. I had experince with women and knew I really enjoyed them but didn't know about men. So one night I went to an adult theater and let myself be picked up and throughly enjoyed myself so I began playing the field men and women as my fancy took me. It wasn't until about a year later that a male partner described me as bisexual and and I knew what I was. The gay scene has no attraction for me... I couldn't identify myself as gay if I tried. My attraction to women is too strong...but I do like sex with a well hung man as well...I could see myself in a relationship with a man but it hasn't happened yet. He would have to be real special and not in the least bit affected. I hate the enfeminate queen routine... the same goes for the super macho one as well. Just be who you are and don't put on a persona. That is the type of man I find sexy. As for me I have always had a whiff of androgyne about me and I am ok with that. I really didn't go through a bi curious stage, I had to find out and once I did that was that. Gay porn does nothing for me, its too sterotyped. But just the thought of sex with a man is enough. Still, I love women.

happyjoe68

Sep 18, 2006, 1:08 PM

Gotta disagree here hon. I'm a prime example of how one can be bisexual and not have experience. I'm married and monogamous. I've been married for going on 9 years to an amazing man who supports me in my exploration.

However, I have only been out to myself as a bisexual for just shy of 2 years. What little experience I had was when I was 15 and I called that "molestation" because I was so deeply in denial.

I have never had a full experience with a woman, but there are thing I know about myself. I know I get very excited from watching BET videos and early performances by the Pussycat Dolls. I know that I have same sex dreams and fantasies. I love sexy women. I love men. Thus, I am bisexual.

I'm not curious about it. After two years I KNOW I like women. And one day when I find the RIGHT woman AND hubby becomes secure enough to share me, then I'll have my experience.

Someone who is a hetero virgin is not hetero-curious. Just because I haven't done the actual act doesn't make me less bisexual than anyone who *has*. My sexuality is just as valid as anyone elses who *has* had experience.

I have to agree with this, especially with the last paragraph. I dont think that just because you have no experience of (usually) same sex partners, you are bi-curious and not bisexual. Prior to my first experience with a man, I considered myself bisexual. I had had sexual experiences with two bisexual women previously (one well before and one just after coming out) and it took me a little while to accept that that my first bisexual experience didnt have to be with another man. To me, all that matters is that the other person is bisexual ... gender is irrelevant

I think that "bi-curious" is some sort of friendly description little better than some advertising company's tagline

eyewarepanties

Sep 25, 2006, 4:53 PM

I find this a very interesting subject as I find myself in this situation so to speak. I have always considered myself to be straight. I am a crossdresser and have been into lingerie for over 46yr. Almost two years ago I told my wife that I wanted to start wearing panties full time. She is ok with that but doesn't want to see me wear anything more in lingerie. I go to a chat room for men who wear panties. Last summer I found myself getting very excited about the thought of meeting another man who wears panties. To see him and to touch him and wanting to have oral sex with him excites me very much. I have not acted on any of these feeling as of yet. I want to. So does this mean that I am bi or just curious at this time. I do know that it is a great feeling and I look forward to my first time being with another.

matterinhand

Oct 4, 2006, 10:16 AM

Bi-Curious: You're still experimenting and if it goes wrong you can say its just an experience you won't try again...just yet.

Bisexual: Ok, I like cock AND cunt, and don't want to limit myself. But if iot goes wrong, its an experience I won't try again, just yet.

Avocado

Oct 4, 2006, 3:24 PM

Do you have a link to that article?

I use bi as a way to describe myself but only because it's something that people will understand. Queer makes sense as a label to me as does being "sexual", or not even using a label but people don't get it.

I just see sexual labels as being about politics and they're not about behaviour anymore. Queer is a political label too but it's one that I prefer to use.

Sadly not. Funnily enough me and my fiancee were having a discussion one time about sexuality and it led me to look for articles to prove her wrong (can't really remember what about!) I couldn't stop I was so engrossed and carried on looking for things for myself to read. I discovered bi boards which weren't just pick-up points. There was one I really liked, on theforumsite, but it didn't have any notifications of replies. So I kept looking and found...this site!

Anyway, that article was one of the ones I read along the way.

smokey

Oct 4, 2006, 4:07 PM

When you do it and want to do it again.

Philbert

Oct 4, 2006, 5:13 PM

for me it started when i was about 16-17, i had considered what it would be like to go with a guy, but at the time put that down to being a teenager full of hormones and not having much luck with girls, this carried on until i was 21 when i had my first gf, after a few months being with her i realised that the thoughts of guys were still there, i told her what i thought and she seemed to take it OK, until 4 months later when she dumped me saying that i should not tell people i was bi as i'd loose friends, in the past few months i've told almost all my friends, who have all been really supportive, i've even made new friends through this site. i don't say i'm curious anymore, and havent since a couple of weeks after the breakup, it just feels right to say bi, and not curious.