Looking for bi male insight

[demi_dame]

Alright guys, need you kids to weigh in on some advice, experience and options.

Preface - I'm a non-binary demisexual female (I'm only sexually attracted to someone I'm emotionally connected with).
He's a bi male.

We've known each other for over a decade, old college classmates, and somewhat recently got back in touch. He came out to me that since our college days he has discovered he is bi.
He has recently gone through a dissolution with his wife and is starting to explore his bi side one again. Mostly toys or other means at this point. He hasn't been able to do so for 9 years or thereabouts?

None of this bothers me. I don't care that he is bi, has fetishes or desires that would be considered more 'feminine', or that he has been with other men or may want to be with them again sexually.

For me the issue is going to be more emotional encroachment. Physically I couldn't care less about who he has an attraction to or partakes with, what makes me get... mangry? (is that a thing?) is the idea of someone trying to build a similar emotional bond with him. One based on love and trying to muscle in as a life partner.
The fact is I do love him and always have, which we have both confessed to each other and discussed at great length.

I don't want him to hide who he is or be held back from what he needs. Realistically that will cause more issues and have the potential to cause irreversible damage.
But - I'd like to know if there is anything I can do to fill in some of those needs? Toys, RP, whatever. Yeah I know anatomically I'm at a disadvantage for some specific desires.
I don't expect any of those options to be the same or quench the thirst, so to speak, in the same way - or replace anything. I'm not trying to keep him from fulfilling his needs, just find a way to also be a part of it and give him additional options or outlets. Something that could also involve us as a couple and build/sustain the emotional connection.

I'd love to hear from anyone in a similar, or even not similar, situation.
What have you found that helps your partner feed those desires that you can do as a couple? Has it brought you closer together and build a better relationship? Are there still things you keep from them?

TIA

[KDaddy23]

Some couples who are okay with bisexuality and allows freedom in this - and in my experiences - tend to lay down some basic rules, like, don't bring anything home that'll be a problem, etc., and sometimes invoke a "no other emotional attachments" clause. And, for the most part, it usually works but where it often "falls apart" is that you can't do anything about how the other person may be feeling. Sexual interactions are allowed and encouraged... but, again, with the caveat of not letting things go beyond that and I know that my wife and I have talked about what to do if the other guy starts getting too attached... and it's worked well since I don't require any serious emotional connection just to suck a guy's dick beyond liking him.

It is understood, between my wife and I, that there's nothing one can really do about the way they feel about someone else... but in order to keep our own connection alive and well, doing something about it is best avoided and for the sake of our own connection. I actually don't like this stipulation because I'm quite polyamorous but this isn't just about me so I just go with it and, again, I'm not looking to get emotionally attached to other guys (been there, done that). With this wife and my first one, we shared our external sexual experiences either by talking about them and even teaming up to have sex with others and without much in the way of limitations since one should be free to express themselves sexually. These... kind of rules work best when a couple's relationship is deemed to be strong and enough so that some "extra" being into isn't really going to be a problem for the couple and because they understand that it happens despite best intentions and act accordingly to not let anything - or anyone - cause their own connection any difficulties or harm.

I don't keep anything from my wife; I tell her what I've done, what I'm thinking, and even how I'm feeling. The rule is to play safely, don't let anything get started that I know I'm not of a mind to want to finish, and be open and honest about it. For us, it works... and I know - again from experience - that for some couples, it sometimes doesn't work well because you're trying to control someone's emotions and insisting that they don't ever feel anything for someone else other than lust and they tend to find out that it's a lot easier said than done. A lot of guys are more of a mind to be able to find that one guy they can be with for sex and other activities because it's deemed to be safer and, as such, it's not outside of the realm of possibility that they become emotionally connected to some degree - and even if it's kinda one-sided. I've heard couples with this arrangement argue a lot about getting too close to someone else and all that and if it continues, well, that's a problem and things get... messy.

Now, what's going to work for you in this? I dunno. I think it's wonderful that you want to be able to be able to share his experiences and I wouldn't blame you one bit for wanting to make sure that none of this winds up breaking or damaging the emotional bond you have with each other; the two of you are just gonna have to work together to figure out the best way for the two of you to bask in your shared sexuality and think more about equity than equality and to be able to openly talk about any or all emotional needs but not make the mistake of thinking that it can't or won't ever happen going forward - and it's a common one. I don't think it's "fair" that you require an emotional connection to be able to express yourself... but tell him that he can't or shouldn't be that way with someone; again, I understand it but I also see another common problem if this is how you're looking at everything. It still comes down to not letting any emotional connectivity ruin the connection you have with each other and, well, that's just something you both will have to keep an eye on and the best way to do this is to keep talking to each other about things openly and honestly and not keep anything to yourselves because that's the surest way for things to go south and in a hurry.

Just my 35 cents worth. This is a situation I am very​ familiar with and actually lived with for well over twenty years in my first marriage.

[SuckerMC]

Not from any experience at all. Just a matter of opinion.


I think that is this an issue a lot when there is some one who is bisexual in a relationship. I also think more from a woman's perspective. Because woman don't have a penis they feel left out and feel they can not pleasure their partners. It happens a lot in lesbian relationships also. When the feminem one has been with men before or mostly her "dyke" girlfriend becomes more protective of her. She feels threatened by the men for 2 reasons. One because of his cock. She knows she can not pleasure fully all the time because she does not have one and the other is because she feels threatened that he can protector her better. These are normal feelings. It doesn't always and only happen with and in lesbian relationships. Men go through the same thing. Except one of those things gets replaced with financial reasons. Or he might feel inferior for having a smaller cock than the other guy. The list can go on.

In the end it is fear, jealousy and envy. And self lack of confidence. Don't let the last one get to you.

All these things is what you are dealing with. All normal.

I think you have to ask yourself in what way would you and him feel more comfortable?

Letting him be free of his desires and letting him find someone he can be with alone? And you might not know who that person is. Or you do know.

or

Intruding someone in the room with the both of you where see their connection and you can feel comfortable knowing that you can have some control of the situation.

These are just scenarios and it is up to the both of you to talk things over. Build a trust and understanding of the situation. The fear and jealousy and those can be controlled. The lack of confidence can not be. Because if you lose confidence in your understanding than that is when it can go in a bad direction.

[BiEli]

I was very open and told my wife before we married that I was bi. She wasn't especially thrilled, and said she couldn't "compete" with that. I shared that I did not consider it any kind of competition; rather an outlet for frustration borne of a very difficult set of circumstances I simply tried to make the best of and enjoyed in the course. Only once did I feel an emotional connection with another guy several years before I met her, and it came to nothing. Not because neither of us cared, but because we were so repressed that an emotional connection was something we couldn't even consider. And so the moment passed beyond recovery.

35+ years later, I am hopelessly in love with my wife, and if our physical connection has cooled, our emotional devotion has only grown. The unfair nature of aging has led me to seek occasional sexual satisfaction with other guys with absolutely no impact on how I feel about my spouse. I have been very careful with my few partners, because the very last thing I would ever want is to hurt my bestie-ever.

Fantasizing about how we might have enjoyed exploring our shared sexuality has given me some memorable masturbation sessions, but living them has been quite beyond us for a decade or more. Accordingly, I suggest you consider having a frank conversation about how you both feel, what you want and expect. Come to a meeting of minds if you can and remember always that sex is not the relationship.

That could give you both a basis of understanding that might allow you to grow together and create a lifetime partnership. I genuinely wish you the best of luck in your journey, however you choose to travel it!

[Jazminedress]

Its a tough one. Yes there are many people out there who can separate sex and emotion, and others who cannot. If I am understanding you correct, you are okay with the physical acts, but do have a concern that someone he is with will develop "Feelings" and want to act on it ?

I have friends that, they call it being in the life ( I had no clue what this meant for years). It seems they are swingers, and they have a good marriage and are okay with everything. Now, in this case, they go to the parties together and it is a thing they do as a couple.

Other friends ( I haven't seen in years) approached me one night stating she had always wanted a threesome, would I consider it. Now in this case, we were close friends and had an emotional attachment to each other. It was great, we continued for months. When we moved apart, they tried it with other people who they didn't have a bonded relationship with.............6 months later, they were having physical fights and divorcing.

No one can answer this for you, you both have to decide if you can separate the physical and emotional...................and the concern about it.

If you are sitting at home worrying every time he goes out, it will take a strain on the relationship in a very negative way.

As I don't know him or you, is there any chance that maybe watching him with someone else might elevate the romance between you two ?

This way, it could be something you do together, you get to watch, he gets to do, then you can have your own experience later ?

[Long Duck Dong]

I have a intersex female partner, she was born with both genitalia...... and we are in a closed group with two other females and another male......

we are all * damaged goods * in our own way..... my partner has had years of being seen as a fetish and fantasy, the two females have been harshly judged because of their sexual desires and the male is an older male that was closeted for the longest time......

what started out with the older male, as a desire for a sexual encounter only with somebody they could trust, ended up becoming more..... with the two ladies, they were seeking group sex but to be more than just sex partners... and I was not seeking anything at all.....
then my partner joined and she had feelings for me, and I for her, for many years but we had never taken the next step........

we all have * scars * which makes being emotionally connected, very hard... and so we have a understanding that at times, we just need friends and nothing else, other times we need hugs and support, and other times sexual activities....... now it did take a while to reach that awareness and balance with each other because we were all used to the * sex comes first rather than people * attitude...... and so we had to * learn * to find a working solution which did involve a lot of communication and sharing.........

luckily we all also had the * its not all about us * thinking......... and thats the problem that you need to work with.... what can you handle and what are your hard limits, vs what does the other person desire and wish for........

some people would like something like a long term friends with benefits but not an emotional connection cos that blurs the lines, and they can be harder to find than people that just want causal hook ups and sex then on to the next person........
so yeah its a learning curve, all the advice in the world will only give you options to consider but you and them would have to deal with each situation as and after it happens so you both understand better, what works for you both, with minimal issues...

toy play is one way of exploring and seeing what each other enjoys and can handle, without involving other people and help give an insight on what the potential issues may be with other people

[demi_dame]

Its a tough one. Yes there are many people out there who can separate sex and emotion, and others who cannot. If I am understanding you correct, you are okay with the physical acts, but do have a concern that someone he is with will develop "Feelings" and want to act on it ?

Correct. Something that other posters seemed confused about. He has been very adamant that emotionally he has zero interest in men. He is attracted to them physically but mentally they are no more than friends (or friends with benefits as the case may be). I'm not and never was worried about deeper feelings on his end. But as others have said, and my point more or less was - you can't control what the outside party feels. So wondering how people deal with the situation if/when it happens.


As I don't know him or you, is there any chance that maybe watching him with someone else might elevate the romance between you two ?

Negatory. Watching him with another person will do absolutely nothing for me or us romantically - unless I had a similar bond with the other person. Which isn't going to happen since as far as the legit true-love-romance shtick goes, mine can't divide. It's one or none.
That is part of being demisexual and what seems to be confusing people so far. Requiring feelings or an emotional bond with my partner isn't a choice, or something I can control. If it isn't there you basically feel dead, broken, or 'wrong' since you get no pleasure out of it. The pleasure is deeply tied with your emotional bond, or feelings.
But again, him developing romantic feelings was never a concern.

[demi_dame]

Not from any experience at all. Just a matter of opinion.


I think that is this an issue a lot when there is some one who is bisexual in a relationship. I also think more from a woman's perspective. Because woman don't have a penis they feel left out and feel they can not pleasure their partners.

The same would be said for a man in a relationship with another male, who wanted to have a female partner. Yes, both will be lacking and unable to pleasure in certain respects and likely feel left out. While I agree with that, It's not quite my issue here.


In the end it is fear, jealousy and envy. And self lack of confidence. Don't let the last one get to you.

All these things is what you are dealing with. All normal.

In the end it's that you can't control when an outside party may start to develop deeper feelings for your partner and act on them inappropriately - which is what my issue was with. I've know a small handful of bi men and women, but most have had this scenario take place. Unfortunately how they dealt with it and if their core relationship survived was never discussed.

[demi_dame]

I was very open and told my wife before we married that I was bi. She wasn't especially thrilled, and said she couldn't "compete" with that. I shared that I did not consider it any kind of competition; rather an outlet for frustration borne of a very difficult set of circumstances I simply tried to make the best of and enjoyed in the course. Only once did I feel an emotional connection with another guy several years before I met her, and it came to nothing. Not because neither of us cared, but because we were so repressed that an emotional connection was something we couldn't even consider. And so the moment passed beyond recovery.

35+ years later, I am hopelessly in love with my wife, and if our physical connection has cooled, our emotional devotion has only grown. The unfair nature of aging has led me to seek occasional sexual satisfaction with other guys with absolutely no impact on how I feel about my spouse. I have been very careful with my few partners, because the very last thing I would ever want is to hurt my bestie-ever.

Fantasizing about how we might have enjoyed exploring our shared sexuality has given me some memorable masturbation sessions, but living them has been quite beyond us for a decade or more. Accordingly, I suggest you consider having a frank conversation about how you both feel, what you want and expect. Come to a meeting of minds if you can and remember always that sex is not the relationship.

That could give you both a basis of understanding that might allow you to grow together and create a lifetime partnership. I genuinely wish you the best of luck in your journey, however you choose to travel it!

This is nearly spot on for our current situation - minus the competition frazzle.
We have already been very open in the ways you have suggested. With him stating similarly that competition is a non-issue.

Indeed, it is that care with the other partners that makes me tentative. Not that he wouldn't do the same, but if one of his partners develops feelings and acts inappropriately; and how others may have dealt with it and come out stronger as a couple.

There are still a few topics that need addressed, but thankfully we are both very frank when any come up. Since he is basically re-discovering this side of himself some things will undoubtably take longer to figure out. But we are both taking it in stride and staying very open with one another.

Thank you for the kind words! Your partnership is the kind I hope we are able to achieve, with so many similarities the groundwork already seems to be there.

[BiEli]

This is nearly spot on for our current situation - minus the competition frazzle.
We have already been very open in the ways you have suggested. With him stating similarly that competition is a non-issue.

Indeed, it is that care with the other partners that makes me tentative. Not that he wouldn't do the same, but if one of his partners develops feelings and acts inappropriately; and how others may have dealt with it and come out stronger as a couple.

There are still a few topics that need addressed, but thankfully we are both very frank when any come up. Since he is basically re-discovering this side of himself some things will undoubtably take longer to figure out. But we are both taking it in stride and staying very open with one another.

Thank you for the kind words! Your partnership is the kind I hope we are able to achieve, with so many similarities the groundwork already seems to be there.

Re-reading my post, I realize I was remiss in not fully explaining "very careful." A critical point I make long before I will consider a correspondent as a potential match is that I'm only interested in a "sex partner." That may sound overly blunt or coarse, but in conjunction with the implicit literacy test, I've discovered a method that has proven itself in almost every detail.

While each of us can control our own behavior, we cannot control that of others. Thus, apply simple logic to evade potential difficulties. Those who won't directly answer simple questions regarding preferences, goals, background... Novels aren't required, just honesty. From my perspective, if two people who are considering having sex with each other can't be honest about these points, the entire exercise is pointless.

Your partner can only speak for himself on these points and only you can speak for yourself on how you perceive any given set of circumstances. And we all know that words can fail us and perceptions be mistaken. Keep that in mind and make what you feel to be the right decision for the occasion. It's the best we mere humans can do.

[demi_dame]

Re-reading my post, I realize I was remiss in not fully explaining "very careful." A critical point I make long before I will consider a correspondent as a potential match is that I'm only interested in a "sex partner." That may sound overly blunt or coarse, but in conjunction with the implicit literacy test, I've discovered a method that has proven itself in almost every detail.

Oh nothing to worry about there. With the flow of conversation that's kind of what I'd figured you meant - but the clarification and expanded points were insightful.
Right now he doesn't have the urge to be with a male, it's the acts that he finds arousing and desires. We've experimented in different ways of fulfilling that and so far he has been very satisfied (it helps that we are both the heavily creative types and can easily enjoy our fantasies with eachother). That is where many were likely confused by my request for toys and ideas, it's not to suppress or control his urges but to fulfill them in a way he is also comfortable with. By the time I realized details were left out the option to edit was long past. Oops!
In the event this ever changes and he wants/needs a male partner those would be good guidelines to go by for us. The only thing I've asked of him is to be able to meet them or have some kind of say in approval. Not so much in a controlling sense but to look out for anything hinky/red flag and to be included in that part of his life - which he is completely OK with.
It will certainly be an interesting journey but he has my support with it. I'm a more masculine-personality female so in many ways we balance each other out and feed off one another. I love him and trust him, but it's a new direction for us both and it's never bad to find out how others have explored it. Thank you for sharing yours.

[wifekinky4husband]

Alright guys, need you kids to weigh in on some advice, experience and options.

For me the issue is going to be more emotional encroachment. Physically I couldn't care less about who he has an attraction to or partakes with, what makes me get... mangry? (is that a thing?) is the idea of someone trying to build a similar emotional bond with him. One based on love and trying to muscle in as a life partner.
We TOTALLY Get you on this!!!

We vet couples in a very slow long process for many many reasons but the main reason if marriage stability especially emotionally. We do not ever wish to be involved with couples who are not deeply emotionally vested with one another. We also only choose couples, never ever singles. We have had one spouse over to watch on occasion but never to have and form of sex. We all do everything with our spouses’ present, same room. Singling off and out site are the 2 biggest mistakes we have seen couples do. My husband and I always give them about a 4% chance of staying together. So far that has been optimistic. Yes we used to go to parties and see others we knew (not people we partnered with) but that was as were learning to not be so young and dumb.

We are married for life and have found couples who are very grounded as we are in their marriages. The get-togethers we have are all about sex and the sex acts. We do know the couple well but we have our rules as far as we know everyone sticks to them. I am certain if anyone breaks them, their marriages will eventually fail and as far as we can tell no one is that dumb in our group. We have a great thing going with great people and it was not easy to gather this many (though we have all cut way back due to covid).

Our recommendation is IF the two of you ever go there, do not ever do singles and stay same room, find couples with bi husbands – there are SOOOOO many it’s crazy.

As for you play – oh my goodness, my husband and I have the most fun possible now that he has opened up to the real deal and relaxes about our RP, AP, TP, SP, FP, CP, DP, BP, SDP, SMP. I’m being goofy all those are play with words attached to the front. I love to play and he has gotten into it as well. Most likely we have done everything the two of you have done, it is a large part of what helped my husband become open to bi sex play. Anal play, cum play, toy play, role play, sex machine play, sex doll play, wall toys play, strap on play, double ended dildo play, the craziest positions to try to pull off straight from the tap – lol, plugs, stretching, stories, scenarios, drama sets (yeah costumes and everything – lighting, props, scenery, background sounds, etc.), we even rented out an old shower room many times for the old cliché “shower scenes” which I still love to do with him. During covid these have also been a wonderful back to the golden days blast.

We are here for you as so many wonderful people are, let us know anything you need and we will reach out to you as best we can. We are an open book.

[Neonaught]

I agree with the above. Have you considered joining him with the other guy? Assuming both were agreeable. My wife and I have enjoyed many wonderful evenings with bi gentlemen.