On being a married, bi senior

[Fiddlestyx]

Given what I've read on the site I'm sure much of what I am about to say will resonate with quite a few people, but anyway...

I am in my late-60s, wife is in her early 60s. I am still sexually functional and enthusiastic, she has lost all interest. When we married a dozen years ago she was already into menopause and unfortunately vaginal intercourse soon started to become painful in spite of the fact that she was still quite "self-lubricating" - thinning of the walls perhaps we were told. We looked into solutions, but when it became apparent that the only possibility was HRT she decided it was a path she wasn't willing to follow. We carried on another half decade with oral, anal etc. pleasuring, but then she completely lost the last of her libido and decided she wasn't interested any more at all and then it faded to not even really being willing to talk about it.

In parallel to this situation I have a male married bi friend I've been playing with for over three decades now. We're both "versatile" and while we're nowhere near as athletic about it as in the early days we still do a pretty good job pleasuring each other. It has been a while as my friend had hip surgery a few months ago, but we're planning on having a go tomorrow, finally. We've both been saving up a nice load...

But... here's the thing (from my standpoint) - much as I thoroughly enjoy playing with a guy, my inspiration and source of sexual energy has always come from the opposite sex. Part of the joy of sex with a male has always been the contrast in feel and dynamic. The longer I go without making love with a woman, but more dispirited it all starts to feel.

So, what to do? I have a few women in their 50s and 60s sniffing around (ok, beyond that to be honest), a lovely single lady of African heritage in her 50s, a couple of widows in their 60s and a married Indian lady whose husband gave up sex and who i actually played with a few times before I met my wife. But... two big issues. One is that while I seem for whatever reason to have no moral qualms about playing with my male friend I do struggle with them when it comes to women. The other is that I've not since high school had a woman play with me and not in short order want me for her own. I apparently have an invisible "husband material" sign attached somewhere. Not being willing to follow that route (zero desire to split from my wife) leads to tears, anger and resentment regardless of what has been agreed beforehand. Not going there...

So, no real answer but I've at least got that frustration off my chest... tomorrow will be fun, but I'm really missing the lovely taste of a nice pussy and the feeling of sliding into one... in effect I find myself in practical terms in a homosexual rather than bisexual situation and that really is not who I am.

*SIGH*

[BackyardShaman]

I can relate to this and I’m in a similar situation. I know it makes no sense but if I casually mess around with a guy it doesn’t feel like I’m cheating, but it does when it’s a woman. I did this with a couple once when the guy that had been blowing me some let me eat his wife’s pussy and she gave me head. I don’t have a great answer but for now it’s masturbation. I do crave pussy to the point I’m getting very frustrated.

[KDaddy23]

I would say that if you got over the moral qualm of being with a guy, getting over that same qualm so you can get with a woman is quite doable - but you have to want to get past it. I don't have any moral qualms either way because to have them inhibits and restricts me; a fine woman is going to let me into her panties and I'm gonna turn her down - but a decent guy wants my cock and I'm hyped to give it to him... and that makes no sense to me. If you're not going to live to take care of both needs, uh, why not? If you can get past the one moral quandary, why not the other?

[Fiddlestyx]

Well, I'm not going to pretend any of it absolutely makes sense in some rational way, but... The first thing is that I've been playing with my male friend at least twenty years longer than I have my wife. Somehow that seems to have some relevance. What is also relevant is that there is not danger of him starting to want a romantic involvement. The problem with playing with a woman is that when it comes to me no matter what discussions and agreement might be reached at the outset there will be at some point the romantic/relationship aspect will raise its head even if both parties are married. I'm not sure that even a "pre-non-nup" would prevent the tears and anger.

The thing is that it isn't a level playing field and we're dealing with "apples and oranges" - there, I've used two clich?s in one sentence. I can deal with two people filling each others' needs when it doesn't wander too far away from that, but experience has been a stern teacher.

[wifekinky4husband]

We do get attached. I admit it. I have to fight it with my every being not to show favorites with the people we are with. I work hard to focus on sexual attributes of our friends and how they feel sexually instead of how I feel about them. I know it sounds calculated but it is. I am not always successful. When you have a man with his penis inside of you, full body weight on you, face right there, it difficult to not ‘feel’ more than the sex. I try not to look into their eyes in this position. Other positions are much easier and also the reason I prefer them most.

I have spoken with the other wives countless times, we all struggle with it. I cannot think of any ladies who do not feel 'that pulling' towards the men or women we have sex with. Even with the rawest, most carnal sex act I feel a connection, it is still an intimate act.

Perhaps it is the way we are hard wired.

That is the number one reason my husband and I refuse to have one on one sex with anyone else. We are both in the room at all times, both engaged in some form or manner with each other. It is not always logistically easy but we both know the risks of losing our connection with each other.

We have seen it firsthand. Within a year of getting attached, the female involved loses interest in her man and all goes to heck. Our youngest couples have both struggled with this the most. We have helped them as they mature but there have been some rough patches.

More than one of the ladies has gotten overly attached to my husband, as have a few of the men with me. We back off with them; spend less time with them, more larger group settings.

I have a best friend that I absolutely love having sex with (not something I ever imagined with a lady friend) and she and her husband both love having sex with my husband and I. Thus far my husband has been the most able person to handle her husband’s size and I am the second closest so it makes since physically. I also have a crazy connection with her beyond that, easily foreseeing my husband and I having more with them if we’d allow it to go beyond what it is. We do have a great deal of sex with them and as you all know, we ladies can easily let more emotions in. I do not seeing it lasting long term if the emotions get involved, especially with men. It’s tough enough with the ladies.

Do we back off with them? Certainly! Life takes care of that often, we get super busy. But when they are around and we can get naked, oh my goodness look out! So much wonderful sex. If my husband thinks things are getting to close, we get busy again or as I mentioned it happens anyway.

For men wanting females in the mix, I recommend couples, always couples, bi couples. We ‘ve seen so many many others try it other ways but as far as we can tell without a balance of bisex going on it all falls apart.

We have to work at maintaining a balance. I do not believe you can simply let things happen unmanaged.

That’s my perspective.

[wifekinky4husband]

As far as the ladies you mentioned who are sniffing around, be up front with them and tell them, "I'm bi, I love having sex with men women. Are you okay with that? And are you okay being around it?"

I know I'd be all over it. ;) Can't guarantee I would get attached to the two of you but unless both of you wanted to marry me together I doubt you'd have to worry about it.

As for your wife and her issues. WOW! I hate that for her and for you as well. I am hitting more and more of my sexual stride as I age. We have two ladies in their 60s who are even more sexual than I am and I'm pretty gung ho. They are super healthy, super healthy lifestyles - food, fitness, activities. I know that when I went through a rough patch sexually regaining my interest in bi men sex is what guided me back. I was/am so fascinated by it that I found myself researching it. My husband was shocked/overwhelmed but absolutely glad I was interested in anything sexual.

Have the two of you discussed it in detail together?

[Warren63]

My wife is mid 60s , still active with HRT. We fantasize a lot. If i had a male friend, she says i could go for ,it but not women. I would enjoy seeing her with a different cock. Maybe someday.

[Fiddlestyx]

Thanks for your response!

Here's the most frustrating part of the situation - My wife has a history of bisexuality starting in high school, spent a few years in her 20s living in a group situation which involved frequent group sex of all sorts. Her lover two before me was lesbian. At 35 I was relatively late involving my own half of the species. My wife is aware that I'd played with guys, something we talked about in the early days. Both of us had considerable experience in group situations in younger years, though none of mine ever got any closer to action between the guys than giving a lass a good DP. My wife was fully aware of all of that as well and seemed turned on by it.

I am of course not sure, but I suspect that if I'd met my wife earlier when she was in a more free-wheeling, experimental lifestyle phase after her previous marriage ended we might have got pattern going in the direction you have and it might have given enough impetus to get her through the effects of her menopause issues. When we first got together we were like two rabbits - anywhere, everywhere and sometimes multiple rounds in a day as opportunity presented.

Then along came the physical issue I mentioned earlier - vaginal intercourse became painful until it finally got to the point where it was impossible. Medical opinion was that it was a thinning of the vaginal walls. I can see where this Is probably as she was always unusually sensitive in that area and often would have several orgasms before I could get anywhere the end of my "journey". When the hyper sensitivity started to set in we often ended up shifting to anal for my last run. The odd thing is that she loved anal, but only after vaginal, would usually cum a couple more times. The only even possible solution would be HRT, something my wife is afraid of and wouldn't consider.

So we ended up with a situation where my wife could no longer have the sex she enjoyed most and then as her hormone levels kept dropping just threw in the towel on it all without really being willing to discuss it much. The last couple of years she's found my getting turned on in her presence more amusing than anything, not something that has done my headspace a whole lot of good.

Looked at from a slightly different perspective - after my wife's previous marriage she had decided she was never going down that path again. She'd had a succession of guys (and a gal or two) in the decade or so between her divorce and meeting me and told me up front that she didn't really want a really committed relationship ever again. Her previous boyfriend had been live-in and she'd allowed him to have women over for sex as long as she vetted them and they stayed for breakfast. A few days into our relationship it became amply clear that her view had changed 180? on that and she was already prepared entirely for "til death do us". Since the day we met she hasn't shown the slightest interest in women or in other men than me. I felt the same way about her so it was all fine, but in previous affairs that were never intended by either party to be more than a bit of "fun" I've had that shift take place repeatedly when the "feelings" were not reciprocated by me in that way. Frustrating and I end up hurting someone while desperately not wanting to.

So I guess the question is whether my wife would be open to giving me the same sort of arrangement? She says she doesn't believe in sexual jealousy, but that isn't the feeling I get. Something to ponder.

[Racer86y]

Where are you?I am in that situation kinda

[Orgasmus]

Some 18 years ago, as the result of a bout with cancer, my wife lost one breast, both ovaries and, along with them went any future interest in sexual intimacy. She declared that the sexual aspect of our marriage was effectively over, and that I should just get used to the idea, but at age 50, and having a healthy sex drive, that seemed both unmanageable and patently unfair.
I tried everything to resurrect our once fulfilling love life, but nothing worked. After a very frustrating year with no sex ? save for the self-service variety ? I began to realize a more than casual interest in guy-on-guy forms of play. Ultimately, I found myself viewing bisexual porn and frequenting bisexual websites, both of which I found strangely arousing. That, in turn, led to explicit and uninhibited camming sessions with like-minded guys, and a growing desire to have an actual face-to-face sexual encounter.

My first bi experience came that winter when I was invited to participate with in an MMF threesome with a young couple across town. We?d met online and getting together with them in real time seemed a fairly natural progression. I remember marveling at what an eager participant I was, and how completely uninhibited I felt engaging in sex play with another man -- something I never thought I?d try, let alone enjoy, but I most certainly did enjoy it I did. Mutual stroking quickly progressed to cock-to-cock rubbing, and ultimately to my sucking my first cock.
It just felt right, like this was something I was born to do, and I remember thinking to myself ?So this is what I?ve been missing all my life. I?m going to want to do more of this!? And I suddenly began seeing guy-on-guy sex as a reasonable alternative.

Although my buddy, Bruce, was a bi newbie like me, we quickly discovered that guys tend to be intuitive sex partners when paired with another guy. There was a sexual sympatico between the two of us I?d never experienced before. He and I always seemed to intuitively know -- in a way that a woman never could -- exactly what to rub, lick, stroke, and suck -- exactly how and when to do it. Let?s face it, who knows better how to pleasure a penis than a guy who actually owns one?

And then there was this remarkable absence of guilt. I knew from experience that sex with another woman would have felt too much like cheating, like a betrayal of my wife. But playing with another guy felt different ? just two open-minded buddies helping one another accomplish something they?d do on their own anyway. Okay, it wasn?t exactly like helping a friend paint his garage, but there was a sense of helping one another fulfill an unmet need.

In time, I began to realize that my guy-on-guy encounters were so wonderfully guilt-free because romantic attachment was never part of the equation. With women, sexuality invariably gets all tangled up in notions of love and commitment, desirability, and self-image. With my buddy, Bruce, and with subsequent sex partners, it was only ever about sex -- good, old-fashioned have some uninhibited fun, blow a load and pop a beer sex.

Over the years, I?ve had probably 15 or so sexual encounters of varying duration and intensity, but I have never regretted my decision to explore my bisexual side. It?s been a voyage of self-discovery, and the voyage isn?t over yet.

[Racer86y]

Warren63 I would play with you if thats what you want.My wife went through all that stuff 15 years ago and its been nada since.Not even a handjob anymore.I need a occasional buddy:tongue:

[TRICK6969]

I love my wife but we have some family problems going on for so while now. We have not had sex for well over a year. I get no blow jobs or hand jobs. So i have been looking at gay porn for a while now and really like it. I checked into meeting someone but thats seems to be tough for me. So i watch my porn and jerk off and suck on some dildos. It is the near real thing to a cock for me. I would love to suck a big cock, and jerk off thinking about it. I can not ever tell my wife what i am Bi sexual, she would leave me and i would be in a mess. Love to meet some one like me clean respectful and would like to suck cock.

[macbi60]

WifeKinky… You are very impressive.., all around! Discipline is the answer however daunting! My wife and I fantasize often, almost always about sex with others, yet don't feel like there wouldn't be trouble dealing with the intimacy issues. Thank you for the eloquently sound reasoning of your presentation.!

[smallandbi]

My wife is in her mid 60s and and I am in my late 50s. Due to an accident many year’s ago I can’t provide any penetration. I have been completely impotent for 30 years. Not having any sexual distractions of my own, I became an expert at giving oral whenever she demanded. I can only dry climax with a vibrator but my sex drive is very low and normally I can’t be even bothered, or simply not interested.

My wife has been actively swinging for over 20 years. I have assisted her on many occasions. Normally this involved driving her and waiting downstairs, while people paired off, and went to a bedroom for mutual pleasure. If multiple men were involved I normally got to watch, making sure that she was safe. On a few occasions, and only if I was in the mood, I orally pleased the odd older woman who failed to pair off, or helped a gentlemen who struggled to get it up.

In the last few year my wife has now found it increasingly harder, to pair up with a suitable partner. She often ended up playing gooseberry, at most swinging parties, relegated to the side lines, and if she was lucky blowing an older guy off, or eating a similar aged lady. At home my mouth and tongue are more in demand as she struggles to get sex elsewhere. Always been happy to oblige and I don't need anything in return. We have spoken about her dogging, but that brings in many other risks with a very different clientele. The jury is still out on that one.

[Gregshaw]

I agree with others who've said that sex with a guy doesn't feel like cheating, whereas with a woman it would. Why? The best way I can describe it is that with a woman I'm fucking her, but with a guy I'm just fucking a hole or he's fucking mine & it's far more like masturbation.

[NJwood]

Same situation for me when my wife went thru menopause except she isn’t into anal. The big difference is she knew about my bisexuality. After we married I never acted on it as I was caught up in our life. Once our sex life was reduced I began to seek ways to pleasure myself. That led to getting a dildo. She found the packaging and asked if I was still interested in guys. Of course I was! At that point we came to an agreement that allowed me to fulfill my bi desires but, without any side pussy. I keep her informed about my encounters including pics and videos of me sucking cock or getting fucked. The surprise was that has given her a boost and she now is much more sexual. I think it’s her way of reclaiming me. If the time comes when she has lost interest and I’m still my horny self, we will revisit the no women rule. Since your wife seems to have adapted to her changing circumstances over the years, I feel she would be open to discussing your needs and how you could satisfy them without risking your marriage. When guys express interest in my wife participating or if they want something akin to a relationship, I explain the “rules of engagement”. If they aren’t good with them I move on.

[Orgasmus]

I can relate to this and I’m in a similar situation. I know it makes no sense but if I casually mess around with a guy it doesn’t feel like I’m cheating, but it does when it’s a woman. I did this with a couple once when the guy that had been blowing me some let me eat his wife’s pussy and she gave me head. I don’t have a great answer but for now it’s masturbation. I do crave pussy to the point I’m getting very frustrated.

Yes, you hit on a very valid point, one that I discovered after my wife lost interest and I started exploring my sexual options almost 19 years ago.

Sex with another woman felt too deceitful, too much like a betrayal of my moral code. Sex play with other similarly frustrated guys, however, felt more like helping than cheating. In my view, two open-minded guys helping one another accomplish something they'd do by themselves anyway seemed pretty harmless. And if the participation of another person made the act more exciting or enjoyable for both, I figured where's the harm?