Coming Out, Plz Help!

[DuskTillDawn]

Other people have had suspicions about my sexuality for years, there are several people in my life (including my dad and best friend) who thinks im gay. For a long time I was certain I was straight however I'm not sure if thats just because I convinsed myself I was. I have now come to terms with my being bisexual and looking back alot of things in life have slotted into place and now make alot more sense than they originally did.

I'm worried about the whole "coming out" thing (I havent come out to any1 yet). I know my parents would have nothing against it but the have a very negative atitude towards my judjement and view on my own life. They seem to think that my lack of life experience means I cannot possibly understand my own feelings! Anyway, I am also terrified of coming out to my friebds, especially the female ones. I have some great friendships that I don't want to jepordise (sp?). I worry my female friends will become more distant from me, assuming the popular assumption that being atracted to females means you are attracted to ALL females.

I have been browsing this site for a while now trying to pluck up the courage to ask for advice as so many others have. If anyone has any advice atall it would be greatly apreciated, I'm not good with secrets and I'm the sort of person who feels the need to talk about her feelings, keeping things bottled up is not my style.

Plz Help.

[smonique]

I hope you dont mind me asking but Why do you feel the need to tell anyone anything? Is it the desire to have them know the total person that you are?

[DuskTillDawn]

I hope you dont mind me asking but Why do you feel the need to tell anyone anything? Is it the desire to have them know the total person that you are?


I don't like having secrets from anyone. If everyone knows everything about you they can formulate a more accurate opinion about you. That way anyone who gets close to me knows exactly what thier in for and theres no nasty suprises gonna scare them away. I supose its away to avoid losing people.

[Rhuth]

I created a myspace page that openly talked about my feelings and thoughts about my sexuality. Some friends did back away. For some reason my really ugly sister-in-law thinks I want to sleep with her. *shiver* But then again some old friends found me through myspace, and congratualted me on figuring myself out. Now, if only my old high school female crush would find it! I want a second chance!

[Daniel1395]

My advice to you would be to tell someone that you are close too, somebody you think you can trust. You said your best friend already thinks your gay. I think that is a good starting point because that person obviously does not mind because he or she would not have remained your friend otherwise.

[whattodo]

I am in almost the same situation. As I am just coming out myself. I have told some of my close friends and my mother and sister, but no one else in my life. I too worry what my close girlfriends will say and think, but in the end when I tell them, I will make a point to remind them that I was their friend before I started to explore my sexuality. If I was their friend, just because I was attracted to them, then why did I stay their friend for so long?

I have built friendships with them that I would not jeapordize(?) our current relationship with them. Yes there is one that I am attracted to but would rather be her friend than have a physical relationship with her. I think that is the biggest point to make with your girlfriends. It is just like having a non-physical relationship with a guy.

Well I hope that helps, and if you want to talk more just send me a private message here.

Whattodo

[Bi-ten]

Hi,

Do what you need to do, friends come and go, family relationships can fluctuate, just be clear about what motivates you to disclose this information, and do it with kindness.

There may be pain, anger, sadness, disbelief, but you may find much more acceptance than you would ever believe...

For my part comming out has been sad, funny, and scary. I only disclose when I feel it makes a difference in my relationship.

Good luck, and God bless.

[AngelOfTheMystic]

Wow I am glad that you are wanting to come out that takes a lot of courage to do. I wish you the best of luck...I wouldn't worry so much about coming out to the ones you love and your friends. If your friends truely love you they will be supportive and will not distance themselves from you.

[LoveLion]

Coming out is hard.

But in the bright side, if you dad already thinks your gay, then it wont be to much of a shock right?

When I came out to my parents I got the same thing you are worried about. They said I was prolly just going through a phase and I couldnt know without more experience. That was about 2-3 months ago, and the fact that Im Bi has not come up again once in any conversation or anything. Its almost like they forgot i even told them (or maybe they just blocked it out, who knows?)

In the end you gotta do it for yourself and no one else. If its gunna make you feel better, then go for it. Its your life and, if it causes them a little uncertainty or discomfort, then they will have to adapt to that.

[darkeyes]

Dusk hun, it is hard for most 2 come out. It throws up so many unexpected things in your life, some good some bad, which will be the predominant is impossible 2 say until you do it.

Think carefully though baby. It is arguably the most difficult decision you will make in your life, and friendships with those you care for and love will almost certainly be changed. It is better to be honest about ourselves as far as we are able and by coming out we make a huge step both into the unknown but also into truly beginning the voyage of discovering ourselves. But coming out is not always the panacea we would wish for and it will be fraught with difficulties.

Think why you are coming out and as what, and just how much are you prepared to sacrifice for the honesty we all crave is within ourselves and the life of which you dream. As important as all this is the question of whether you are ready to come out. For many make the mistake of taking the decision at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons. Ideally none of this should matter, but we are human beings and as such have insecurities and concerns which make us put some ideals on a back burner. Several friends of mine, gay and bi have come out and been totally unprepared for the reaction of family,friends and work colleagues to their revelation and change of lifestyle.

Coming out can be the most wonderful thing. It can also be a double edged sword and before finally taking the decision we must be sure that it is for us, and that we are prepared as far as we can make ourselves for the consequences.

My advice is to really think things through and do nothing until you are sure it is the right decision for you and that the time is right. You have made a start by asking our advice in this thread, and truly hun wish you nothing but well and hope that whatever decision you do make is the right one for you.

[midwestseeker]

I cant give that much advice, since ive known myself that I was bi (nearly 7 years ago) I havent told a soul.

But yet, I can offer a viewpoint from my perspective. I know that with most of my friends, nearly all of whom are female, and nearly all of whom have either had at least one sexual experience with a woman, or who would be open to it, we've all reached kind of a level where we "dont define" ourselves.

Now I know that sounds a bit new-world, and a bit acadmeic, and for many (most) it doesnt really work that way, but you might be surprised at how a lot of people these days (espically your friends) just...well...i shouldnt say..."wouldnt care"...its more like...they wouldnt think twice about it if you were just very matter of fact about it.

You might even find out many other people you know have the same feeings and or experiences.

[FerociousFeline]

Think carefully though baby. It is arguably the most difficult decision you will make in your life, and friendships with those you care for and love will almost certainly be changed. But coming out is not always the panacea we would wish for and it will be fraught with difficulties.

Think why you are coming out and as what, and just how much are you prepared to sacrifice for the honesty we all crave is within ourselves and the life of which you dream. As important as all this is the question of whether you are ready to come out. For many make the mistake of taking the decision at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons. Ideally none of this should matter, but we are human beings and as such have insecurities and concerns which make us put some ideals on a back burner. Several friends of mine, gay and bi have come out and been totally unprepared for the reaction of family,friends and work colleagues to their revelation and change of lifestyle.

My advice is to really think things through and do nothing until you are sure it is the right decision for you and that the time is right. You have made a start by asking our advice in this thread, and truly hun wish you nothing but well and hope that whatever decision you do make is the right one for you.


EXCELLENT ADVICE Darkeyes
This is such a difficult topic because everyone's needs are so different. My advice is: Think about why you desire to come out to the world and plop a biggo label on your head. Human beings can be flat out scary. In a world where we are all limited in what we can think, do, say and feel by the dumb masses......do you really need to place yourself in jeopardy just so you can feel approval from some? I think you need to get the validation that you need from yourself. You don't need ANY OTHER PERSONS APPROVAL. YOU are in charge here. What YOU say......goes. If you say that this is who you are and this is what you need, <stamping foot> The foot has spoken. You don't need to limit yourself now or later by giving those who would use your bisexuality against you something to hold over you. Those who need to know who you are.......will. They will either figure it out, recognize you as being the same as themselves, or you can flat out tell them. But I don't see the benefit of adopting a label for the masses. Now, some would argue that this perspective doesn't DO the bisexual community any good. (and they might be right) but on the other hand, in the disagreement between people like us and the religious right or other zealots that you may have to deal with in your lifetime, the thing that drives them up the wall the most is that they cannot decidedly pick bisexuals out of the crowd. Personally, I think that's kinda humourous. Maybe even fun. One thing is for certain though, once you go "OUT" you can never go back. Don't be afraid of your decision, just take the time to make sure you've considered fully, and then don't look back.

FF

[urabannanahead]

The first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself. Be honest with your family and be honest with your firends. If your friends don't accept you for who you are and become distant, its better to know now, then in 10 years when you can't hide it anymore. You will find out who your true friends are. You have got to be true to yourself. Walk through life with your head held hi, you only have one life to live. I'm not saying to flaunt it, or adviterise it, but don't hide it or deny it, its a part of you that can't be changed, only hidden or accepted. As for family, they may give you a little hassel, but they need to know that its not there life to live, its yours. I've learned that over time, family doesn't care as long as your happy. They might not accept it over night, or in the next year or two, but eventually when they realize that your happy, nothing else matters. Good luck in your upcoming decisions and whichever walk of life you choose.

[DuskTillDawn]

Seriously, thx to all the advice. You have no idea how much some of these threads have helped me get to grips with things (especially since I've grown up being told bisexuality didnt really exist). anyway thx very much guys and I love hearing how other people have coped with comin out and stuff to please keep posting!

P.S. for now I've decided to go with the flow and see what happens, maybe tell a few of my closest friends but other than that I'll just wait and see coz like sum1 said when your out of the closet you cant go back in, so I think I'll hang about in here for a little while longer. Thx!