So I told my husband I'm bi...

[confusedandcute]

It was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. :( He barely said a word. He just sat there and cried. He wouldn't even look at me and then he just went to bed. He didn't talk to me at all this morning either. I didn't want it to hurt him this much. One thing he did say was that it felt like his heart was breaking. I feel horrible and guilty that I'm putting him through this. I just don't know what to do now.

[SweetAmy]

You cant change how you feel about other women. Be supportive and ready to listen to him when he wants to talk to you. I really would hate to be in your shoes. My situation didnt work like this. We just rented a movie and then I was curious after and there was no problem with it. Its been 4.5 years and still no problem. My heart goes out to you girl. Remember like I said in a few emails to you. If you ever wanna chat I am willing to listen. Hopefully you 2 can sit down tonight and ask him whats on his mind and ask him hows hes feeling and where to go from there? I really hope this doesnt destroy what you have. I hope he can open up to the idea and accept your bi side. Im sure it might take some time to heal.

Best wishes,

Amy :flag3:

[Caroline_In_The_City]

theres a difference between being bi and being polyamorous.

to tell your guy that you find women attractive should not be a horrible thing. to tell him that your acting on it could be.

its all in the message and how its given. i admire your honesty, but maybe you didnt read your situation at home well enough to be honest with him like that.

too many pop-psyche people say you must always be honest with your hsband or wife, and thats a load of crap. only you know how your husband/wife will reacted.

make sure he knows that your not acting on the bi feelings, just that it was something you noticed about yourself. if he feels your leaving him, he will feel threatened and will drive him away further, damanging your relationship.

hope that helps a little.

C

[rayosytruenos]

It was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. :( He barely said a word. He just sat there and cried. He wouldn't even look at me and then he just went to bed. He didn't talk to me at all this morning either. I didn't want it to hurt him this much. One thing he did say was that it felt like his heart was breaking. I feel horrible and guilty that I'm putting him through this. I just don't know what to do now.

Hi!

I'm a male, and I consider myself bisexual. I'm new here, but found your post and I would like to comfort you with my thoughts of how he could be feeling.

I'm not sure what you told him exactly and/or how you told him, neither if you have acted previously on these bisexual feelings, or even if you are experimenting currently while having also your relationship with him, nor if you have kids.

Having said that, which is also very important for his possible reaction, I'm just going to guess what he can be thinking as a male.

First, if you have taken a lot of time to accept your own feelings, (probably years), it's just normal that he needs at least some time also to understand and accept what you have just told him.

A lot of thoughts can be bombarding him at the moment. Probably he feels betrayed for you not telling him before, but most certainly, afraid of losing you. He can think that if you are having an affair with a man, maybe he can still gain you back, but if you fall for a girl, how can he fight to gain you back, when he cannot offer what a girl can? He must be afraid of losing that battle even before somebody announces it is happening. He could also be afraid of losing your family unit, if you have kids, and how they and him could manage that situation.

Maybe he feels that you don't love him anymore, which it shouldn't be true, even if you are with a girl. If it is so, I think I would also tell him in a nice way.

I would advice to be nice and close to him, trying to be helpful in what he's passing through at the moment. Give him a couple of days to think by himself, but be there if he wants to speak to you.

After a couple of days, I would go to him, and even if he doesn't want to, ask him to have a seat and a long chat with you. Ask for his feelings and thoughts at the moment, tell him that you both can work out this situation together, that you still love him. I hope that with that you can start a new way to deal with your situation.

I sincerely hope that something from this can help you.

All the best,

rayosytruenos

[alleycat]

confusedandcute,

I applaud you for your strength and courage to be honest with your husband about your bi feelings. My heart goes out to you for his reponse. I agree strongly with what rayosytruenos said about what your husband might be thinking at this point.

My husband has known since we've been dating, but he's always thought that we'll handle it later when the kids get older through threesomes. Although that also appeals to me, it doesn't meet my current needs of being close to a woman. He is very threatened by this and thinks I will leave him for a woman. We haven't decided how to handle this yet.

Maybe let your husband search this site with you - let him get aquainted with the many different possibilities out there. If you and he are committed to your marriage then you will discover how to fit this into your marriage. It might not be exactly the way you want it to be - but it might be a compromise. That's kind of what I'm having to deal with.

Good luck!

[arana]

Confusedandcute, I'm so sorry that your husband did not take your news well. The biggest thing now for you is to reassure him that you are still in love with him. He may be thinking that there is no way he can compete with another woman. You took the hardest step so now the big thing is to keep communication going and don't let his silence keep you from letting him know he is loved and you are the same person he married.

[confusedandcute]

Hi!

I'm a male, and I consider myself bisexual. I'm new here, but found your post and I would like to comfort you with my thoughts of how he could be feeling.

I'm not sure what you told him exactly and/or how you told him, neither if you have acted previously on these bisexual feelings, or even if you are experimenting currently while having also your relationship with him, nor if you have kids.

Having said that, which is also very important for his possible reaction, I'm just going to guess what he can be thinking as a male.

First, if you have taken a lot of time to accept your own feelings, (probably years), it's just normal that he needs at least some time also to understand and accept what you have just told him.

A lot of thoughts can be bombarding him at the moment. Probably he feels betrayed for you not telling him before, but most certainly, afraid of losing you. He can think that if you are having an affair with a man, maybe he can still gain you back, but if you fall for a girl, how can he fight to gain you back, when he cannot offer what a girl can? He must be afraid of losing that battle even before somebody announces it is happening. He could also be afraid of losing your family unit, if you have kids, and how they and him could manage that situation.

Maybe he feels that you don't love him anymore, which it shouldn't be true, even if you are with a girl. If it is so, I think I would also tell him in a nice way.

I would advice to be nice and close to him, trying to be helpful in what he's passing through at the moment. Give him a couple of days to think by himself, but be there if he wants to speak to you.

After a couple of days, I would go to him, and even if he doesn't want to, ask him to have a seat and a long chat with you. Ask for his feelings and thoughts at the moment, tell him that you both can work out this situation together, that you still love him. I hope that with that you can start a new way to deal with your situation.

I sincerely hope that something from this can help you.

All the best,

rayosytruenos


Hey rayosytruenos,
I wanted to thank you for your input and clear up some of those details so maybe you'll have further words of wisdom.
We have one child, 3, and we've been married for 3 and a half years. When I sat him down to tell him, to sum it up, I just said that I'm bi and that a one time fling with a girl is not what I want and that I would like to try a relationship with a woman. I realize now that I suppose I could've worded things slightly differently- like say friends with benefits, instead of relationship would've been less intimidating.
I've never had a bisexual experience but my husband and I have discussed 3somes before, actually came close to having one, but I changed my mind last minute. I thought because I've openly talked about my attraction to women for a while that it would be less of a shock for him, but I guess maybe he didn't really take me seriously.
I don't think that he's more threatened by losing me to a woman than to a man. Maybe though, if I went and had an affair with a man he could just be angry with me, but if he allows me to have a relationship with a woman, it will be his fault. Well, that's about it.

[rayosytruenos]

Hey rayosytruenos,
I wanted to thank you for your input and clear up some of those details so maybe you'll have further words of wisdom.
We have one child, 3, and we've been married for 3 and a half years. When I sat him down to tell him, to sum it up, I just said that I'm bi and that a one time fling with a girl is not what I want and that I would like to try a relationship with a woman. I realize now that I suppose I could've worded things slightly differently- like say friends with benefits, instead of relationship would've been less intimidating.
I've never had a bisexual experience but my husband and I have discussed 3somes before, actually came close to having one, but I changed my mind last minute. I thought because I've openly talked about my attraction to women for a while that it would be less of a shock for him, but I guess maybe he didn't really take me seriously.
I don't think that he's more threatened by losing me to a woman than to a man. Maybe though, if I went and had an affair with a man he could just be angry with me, but if he allows me to have a relationship with a woman, it will be his fault. Well, that's about it.

Hello again!

I wish I could be really wise, maybe then I wouldn't get into trouble as I do... lol... Anyway, I'm going again to tell you how I think he might feel...

"I would like to try a relationship with a woman." That statement, if you didn't clarify it enough to him, I would understand that you not only want to have a relationship with a woman, but to also terminate the relationship with him.

"We have one child, 3, and we've been married for 3 and a half years."

Well, according to some surveys, about 3 years - 3 years and a half, it's just the average duration of more and more marriages, maybe because less and less people seem to be really interested in working on it for their mutual benefit, so I would say that you are just in a period where all the roses and music have suddenly gone and started to feel that there is something missing in the marriage.

In my opinion, it's not long ago since you married, so your statement to him, breaks his heart for feeling his marriage and family has been broken and taken away, while he is still in love with you and probably he has some underlying insecurity issues by himself which this situation makes them bigger.

He might think that he is not man enough to satisfy you, therefore you feel the need to go and look for it somewhere else. So he can be having feelings of inadequacy too (short-dicked, quick-cummer, etc... you name it, and probably he's thinking about it)

Also, if you said "a relationship", it means that you don't want a one-night-stand, but instead you want feelings and that you are going to give your feelings of love to another person, outside your family, outside your marriage... Again he must be passing through hell with jealousy and rejection feelings, because you don't want him (rejection), you want somebody else instead of him (rejection+jealousy), and not only that, but to give your love to somebody else instead of him (rejection+jealousy). That's really hard for him to understand and accept.

We, men, apart from the appearances, we are really insecure. It's enough to say to a man that he has a small dick to even throw him to commit suicide. And there are a lot of tales about normal size, etc. I've seen many guys to tug their dicks before taking off or putting on their underwear, to make it look bigger than what it normally does.

We are macho-types and like to be considered alpha-males. And of course, even more if we are straight (or homophobic). So you are even threatening his masculinity.

One thing is to think about a 3some (I assume the ones you spoke about were MFF) what is like a universal fantasy for a man. Wow!!! Having to girls for the price of one!!! Or even seeing your wife doing naughty things without his macho-image been damaged, but another one and quite different is to say that you don't want that girl as a toy for you two to enjoy, but that you want her just for yourself, and that you prefer that girl to him...

I hope that this could have shown you some points of view maybe your husband is going through. I hope also that with time, communication and understanding, you two find a mutual agreement where your relationship can grow further.

All the best,

rayosytruenos

[Mrs.F]

I"m glad you sat your husband down and told him. I know it must have been so hard to do. Where do you start? What do you say? How do you make him understand?? I know exactly what he is feeling right now. As a wife who just found out almost 3 weeks ago her husband is bi. We have a 2 yr. old little boy and have been married 10 yrs. and together 15 yrs. I totally freaked! How could I not know this about him? How could he keep this from me? ( he has had some experiences before we met). I still think about it daily and I still cry. I get really pissed sometimes and don't want to talk or look at him. I still love him and he loves me. But damn, it was heartbreaking! I could have swore he ripped my heart right out. I wish I could give your husband a hug. He so needs it right now. Hopefully he will let you in and ask questions and try to understand. You must be relieved that he knows now and you can go on without that weight on your shoulders.
Just give him time and lots of love and attention. He does feel he can't compete with a woman. I feel I can't compete with a man and he may get bored with me. It's a scary feeling.
Lots of luck to you and your hubby! :)

Mrs. F

[bigregory]

I cry.................................. :yinyang:
Why cant we just live in peace..
girls can sleep with girls in my world if they want to
or guys
What im typing is just mush ,what i want to say is Im so happy to be BI..

[csrakate]

I am so sorry that you find that your honesty has actually caused someone you love to feel pain. But you have to understand that it isn't just an issue of bisexuality that disturbs him. It is the fact that he has just found out that you probably can't be satisfied with him and him alone. As the wife of a bisexual, it wasn't so much the fear of him wanting another man as it was the fear of him just wanting or needing another person that wasn't me. Try to understand him in those terms and perhaps you can better understand where his hurt and betrayal begin.

Keep talking...keep reminding him how much you love him and hopefully one day you two can reach a point that you find mutually satisfying. My heart goes out to you both!

Kate

[mike9753]

You are in a very tough position. I assume that you have done some very intense soul searching about yourself and your marriage, especially since you have a 3 yr. old. By that I mean that it is not uncommon for people to think that they want something else outside their marriage (an emotional and/or physical relationship) because they are not getting what they need within the relationship.

With a 3 yr. old, who takes up a lot of time (Is he/she over the terrible two's yet? Sometimes they last longer than just the 2nd yr.), you may not have any time to yourself or very much quality time with your husband. So it may be difficult to get what you need, emotionally and/or physically at this time of your life with these circumstances. I would also specualte that for you to manage another emotional relationship, requiring you to give to another person as well as they to support you emotionally, might be very difficult right now. You'll have relationships with your child, your lover and your husband to manage.

If you are bisexual, do you want to jepordize what you have - marriage and child, to explore this need to have an emotional relatiosnhip with a woman now?

One of the things that differentiates humans from other creatures in this universe, is that we can postpone gratification, because we have the strength and intelligence to project a bit into the future to understand that things can be sweeter when we plan for and wait for the right time to savour them.

I would suggest that you and your husband need to spend time trying to develop greater intimacy between you both - meaning you both need to open up more and let each other in - get closer, love each other more - especially with your little 3 yr old.

Once you have done that several things may happen:
1. Your husband may not feel so threatened by the possibility of you having a relationship with a woman, and
2. you may realize that you don't need to actually have that emotional/physical relationship - or
3. a strong friendship with another woman satisfies this need.

My message is that your needs are important, and the integrity of your family is also important, especially with a small child. Take more time. Explore what is really happenning. Improve your relationship with your husband. Don't settle. And most of all, believe in yourself.

Mike

[BiBiologist]

confusedandcute,

I think you've done the right thing and come to the right place. All of these responses here have affirmed my good feelings about this site and the people on it. It has helped me alot in comfort and support, and finding lots of people with mutual experiences. You won't find people saying "do it, do it"; you will see "take it slow, think of the consequences for your own situation" and a lot of good, caring suggestions for options you might consider. I hope it will do the same for you as it has for me, since coming out to my husband almost two years ago. He cried at first too, but things are better now between us than they were before I told him. I have yet to get him to look at this site, but I think that is a good idea to give him a better understanding of what bi is all about. I hope it all smooths out for you!
sam

[bookworm]

Your courage is to be commended! I agree with all of the responses posted here, so to add my :2cents: just give him time, don't push the point, listen to him when he's ready to talk (as he should listen to you), and climb that hill together. You may find the view at the top worth the effort!

[gina42]

:)
It was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. :( He barely said a word. He just sat there and cried. He wouldn't even look at me and then he just went to bed. He didn't talk to me at all this morning either. I didn't want it to hurt him this much. One thing he did say was that it felt like his heart was breaking. I feel horrible and guilty that I'm putting him through this. I just don't know what to do now.


confusedandcute,
i am truely sorry that it didnt go well when telling you hubby hon...
but you need to let him know that just because you have these bi feelings does not mean you dont love him but the fact that you love him very much and yes im sure his heart is breaking because he more than likely has hidden fears of loosing you but you need to try and get him talking hon and let him know how much you do love him..
but listen my friend..i my hubby is bi but i have known since before we were married and i love him with all my heart...what we have works well for us and we are always open and honet with one another......
i hope and pray with all my heart that you and your husband can get threw this and he will be accepting over time and if you ever need to chat and im in the room feel free to chat me up or if im not send me an email threw my profile and i'll get back to you..keep your chin up sweetie hugs,gina42 :)

[IndyBiFun]

My thoughts are with you.

I am in a similar situation but in reverse. Meaning, I am a married male wanting to explore my bisexuality too. My wife an I have had "discussions" but she doesn't know my true desire of wanting to come out.

As I have tossed and turned with my own thoughts, I keep coming back to this. You only live once and you need to be true and honest with yourself....and with your husband.

I wish you the absolute best and hopes all works out for you.

[confusedandcute]

Well, I wanted to let all of you know that my husband and I had a big heart2heart lastnight. He finally opened up and let me know how all this was affecting him. Although I've been completely happy with our marriage, he had the idea that things had been going downhill. So I guess feeling that way and then me throwing my bisexuality at him doesn't at all help the situation. He was totally afraid that this meant the end and it took a long time and alot of hugs and I love yous to convince him that I don't want us to end. We agreed that right now the most important thing is to work on strengthening the marriage, I guess I'm the one who needs to work on it. But in the meantime he's accepted my feelings and is perfectly supportive that I come on this site to make friends and talk. Eventually when and if I do meet someone I'd like to become physical with, he feels more comfortable with a 3some because he doesn't want to be leftout of that part of my life and he said if I were to do it on my own it would be more like cheating. I really would like to have at least one experience on my own, but right now I think I'll let things be and cross that road when I come to it.

I wanted to thank everyone for the advice and input and sympathy. I'm so glad this site exists.
confusedandcute XOXOXOXO

[SweetAmy]

Well thats great to hear. I'm glad you took our advice and had a nice long chat with him. Whatever may happen in the future I wish you luck & complete happiness,

Amy :)

[mike9753]

Dear confusedandcute:

I am very happy you two have talked about things. Don't let it stop there. This can be a springboard to improve your marriage. Out of every crisis an opportunity presents itself to makes things better. Before a crisis occurs, people are generally complacent about their lives, with the thought that things are good or at least acceptable. But a crisis unleashes energy and if your smart you'll use that energy to get to know each other better, to reinvigorate your relationship and achieve new levels of happiness.

I wish you both all the best,
Mike

[rayosytruenos]

Well, I wanted to let all of you know that my husband and I had a big heart2heart lastnight. [...] He was totally afraid that this meant the end and it took a long time and alot of hugs and I love yous to convince him that I don't want us to end. We agreed that right now the most important thing is to work on strengthening the marriage [...] But in the meantime he's accepted my feelings and is perfectly supportive [...] confusedandcute XOXOXOXO

Hi!

I'm very glad that you both had a chat and clarified things and feelings. I hope that working on your marriage together could lead both of you to strengthen your love and relationship while being understanding and supportive to each other.

All the best,

rayosytruenos

[gina42]

Well, I wanted to let all of you know that my husband and I had a big heart2heart lastnight. He finally opened up and let me know how all this was affecting him. Although I've been completely happy with our marriage, he had the idea that things had been going downhill. So I guess feeling that way and then me throwing my bisexuality at him doesn't at all help the situation. He was totally afraid that this meant the end and it took a long time and alot of hugs and I love yous to convince him that I don't want us to end. We agreed that right now the most important thing is to work on strengthening the marriage, I guess I'm the one who needs to work on it. But in the meantime he's accepted my feelings and is perfectly supportive that I come on this site to make friends and talk. Eventually when and if I do meet someone I'd like to become physical with, he feels more comfortable with a 3some because he doesn't want to be leftout of that part of my life and he said if I were to do it on my own it would be more like cheating. I really would like to have at least one experience on my own, but right now I think I'll let things be and cross that road when I come to it.

I wanted to thank everyone for the advice and input and sympathy. I'm so glad this site exists.
confusedandcute XOXOXOXO



hey confusedandcute,
i am glad not only to hear that you had a heart 2 heart with you husband but that you both were able to get all your feeling out and yes i can see where his fear was and it will take a lot of reinsurance and i love you's to let him know that you are the same person he married,that you love him dearly,that you are not going anywhere but yes working on your marriage to stregthering is the 1st step for you both and from reading what you wrote ,i feel you two will be fine but always remember talking is the key along with openess and honesty..
i think when you do find that special someone you want to be with,sharing it with your hubby is good,3somes are and can be very erotic for all....
from a personal experience,i have done threesomes before...mfm and i found them to be very erotic and fun for all involved...
good luck to you and your hubby confusedandcute,gina :)

[Sparks]

:2cents: First and foremost, you are a loving, caring woman. Secondly, be as kind to yourself as you are to your husband. Don't beat yourself up over your disclosure. Keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. With your love, care and compassion, and time, I'm certiain things will work out. Take good care.

[perroso]

I am happy to read things are getting better. You should let him know that he is still important to you, that he excites you. I remember when i started to use toys with a girlfriend she thought I started to didn´t like to make love to her, when I was just trying to do things more exciting.

Main thing is he does not feel displaced. Hope things work for you.

[mike9753]

A person's imagination is a wonderful and awful thing. From a positive perspective, we can use our imagination to delve into all sorts of fantasies, without hurting anyone. However, in the absence of information, our imaginations tend to jump start by themselves. If there is any insecurity in a relationship (and in new marriages [new meaning less than 5 to 10 years] there is always insecurity), our imaginations can get us into deep trouble, because fueled by the insecurity, the imagination gets us thinking all sorts of things that are usually wrong or exaggerated. Regular, consistant communication about these serious and important issues is extremely important to prevent the imagination from creating a worse case scenario.

Mike

[nikid19]

It was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced. :( He barely said a word. He just sat there and cried. He wouldn't even look at me and then he just went to bed. He didn't talk to me at all this morning either. I didn't want it to hurt him this much. One thing he did say was that it felt like his heart was breaking. I feel horrible and guilty that I'm putting him through this. I just don't know what to do now.
if your husband really love you grant it you know that was wrong in a since, but if you want to explore you should. and maybe you can tell him that you would like to do this with him and fullfill your fantasy.

[FL_Guy2020]

wow, if my girlfriend told me this I would be elated. I'll trade spots with him.