Stick a Fork in Me

[IanBorthwick]

I'm done. Got nothing for my efforts, not even friends. Never been so ignored or mistreated in my life. Comments glossed over, treated like a second rate nuisance...I'm tired.

Then, add to it the man I wanted to love has turned to another, and you can officially declare me down for the count. From being insulted about being Poly by someone who knew nothing about it, to losing someoen I loved to others convincing her to play it fast and loose. Yeah, stick a fork in me, I quit.

Being bisexual and out about it has caused me nothing but pain and a feeling of sepeartion, even in "our" community.

"Our" community. Ha..what a laugh. Feels like a club I never qualified to enter because I wasn't _____ enough. You fill in the blank. Cool, handsome, rich, submissive, happy...pick one or all. Feels like there is no room for me here, so I'll stretch my legs and walk away for *checks watch* eternity, I suppose.

It's hard to know you aren't wanted, but it's worse to not be wanted when you are being yourself. Truly yourself. I know I'll hear the crap about being upbeat, needing to be happy more, but the fact is I am and usually show it. But when i am down because of continuously being kicked away, I'll be down. There is no ON/OFF switch to my happiness, if there was I'd flip it to ON and leave it. People have a right to be unhappy when they are unhappy, or feel hurt when they are hurt. SO don't throw the recriminations at me about my mood.

See you around.

[arana]

Not even a friend, huh? hmmm ok, tyvm.

Sorry Ian, I have never seen you not down since you came here, not even when you were with Cherry, so i don't know what "upbeat" is like for you but I sure hope the people around you do.

Good luck to you in whatever you end up doing. Sorry it hasn't worked out here.

[bigregory]

Not sure what to say.
The grass is not always greener on the otherside of the fence.
It goes on we just need to deal with it.
best of luck.
Rember we are all in the same boat,paddle to a diffrent shore if the one your on is crappy.huggs greg

[JoyJoyHollywood]

I'm very sorry you feel this way. I really am. You must feel like dog (expletive). But I can tell you this. If I feel bad about how you feel, then the other ones here who are kind of like the experianced ones...they must feel even worse. I know exactly what it's like to just wish you where the size of a goldfish and then just flush yourself down the toilet.

But, hey, I can say this. If I don't know you and I feel this way, if others who do know you better maybe feel worse...then maybe there is something about you that makes the people who are (even briefly) around you stop to take a second look.

And maybe if you are so valuable that you demand a second look.....then maybe you shouldn't feel so bad right now....cause you have more than some others do.

[IanBorthwick]

Not even a friend, huh? hmmm ok, tyvm.

Sorry Ian, I have never seen you not down since you came here, not even when you were with Cherry, so i don't know what "upbeat" is like for you but I sure hope the people around you do.

Good luck to you in whatever you end up doing. Sorry it hasn't worked out here.

Arana...you were sympathetic, but not someone I ever got to know well enough to call friend. An aquaintance, certainly. But friends take some time. Also, you never saw me NOT down because I never vocalized anything until I was howling in pain. I am the sort who keeps it jarred up until I pop, and I go looking for someone to talk to. For sure, you have been someone to talk to and that's no small deal. I surely appreciate that, make no mistake.

The people around me know I am the joker type, love to play, laugh, I am the comedian...I live to see people laugh. They expect me to cheer them when they are down, bring fun with me in my back pocket and make pain chase away to the farthest hills. But THAT is all I have been to anyone. Temporary fix, a laught o make them feel good. Never a more serious consideration, not in the category of potential significance...

Even here, no PMs, or emails, nothing besides creepy attempts at hook ups. Some claiming they want to know, then realize they would rather take control than share it. Only men who send me PMs are interested in the quick wham-bam..all the women think I am after the contents of the bra and panties, and 99% of the time are perfectly willing to verbally back you off cause you are cutting into their cybersex time in Chat.

Yeah...warm place.

There was a time when I would go into chat and simply say hello categorically down the list. The guys would respond with,"Where do you live." and the females would respond with,"Not interested in men." Except Arana and a few others, this is the standard responses I have gotten. Not a hello...how are you...do you like chess...how's the weather?

So like I said, no...no friends. Wanted to make friends but I see the error of my ways now. Got to get with program or get out.

I meant no offense Arana, especially to you. If we'd had a chance to be friends you would know the real me, any and all of you would have!

[the mage]

I sympathize completely about feeling isolated.
Bi's I meet are so often firmly in the closet due to this very thing.
There is not a welcome mat at the "communities" front door.
There is a slot you must fit thru.

You must recognize that its a big world.
You can change your physical location and meet a new people, but in the end you'll find you are your own best friend. If your path has been that of a decent guy, going thru life without malice than you are worthy of respect. Give it to your self first. Then others will see it in you.

[elian]

I know all about using humor hon - laughing - all the time was the only way I made it this far. It took my uncle saying "Why do you always laugh - at everything?" for me to realize I was even doing it.

It's the comedians who hurt the most I think..you become really good at masking the pain that way.

Quite frankly I'm not enamored with the stereotypical "gay culture" either - I don't want to be gay if it means that people are consistently looking for "hook-ups" and I don't want to be straight if it means that I have to be a conservative asshole who has the mindset of "for us or against us".

That's the part I can't quite resolve because I really don't want all of my relationships to be one-night-stands, cam or cyber. At the same time I'm neurotic as all hell about it because it's not something that is publicly acceptable..and I don't really know how trustworthy these folks are .. some people won't think anything of spreading HIV. I really do think that GLBT people have some of the most tortured souls..for a lot of different reasons.

I feel the same way you do Ian - about the PM's - and the only way I'd really "hook up" if I was desperately horny enough to have no other choice .. which will happen eventually. It's a shame that we all have to "love" each other in the back corner of some dark alley someplace - I agree.

Honestly, I really don't know what to do about it..but this place is still one of the most open communities I've seen - and a lot of the folks do seem to care..maybe they aren't the ones making the most noise in chat?

Wish you Peace and Love, one way or the other my friend.

-E


Arana...you were sympathetic, but not someone I ever got to know well enough to call friend. An aquaintance, certainly. But friends take some time. Also, you never saw me NOT down because I never vocalized
anything until I was howling in pain. I am the sort who keeps it jarred up until I pop, and I go looking for someone to talk to. For sure, you have been someone to talk to and that's no small deal. I surely appreciate that, make no mistake.

The people around me know I am the joker type, love to play, laugh, I am the comedian...I live to see people laugh. They expect me to cheer them when they are down, bring fun with me in my back pocket and make pain chase away to the farthest hills. But THAT is all I have been to anyone. Temporary fix, a laught o make them feel good. Never a more serious consideration, not in the category of potential significance...

Even here, no PMs, or emails, nothing besides creepy attempts at hook ups. Some claiming they want to know, then realize they would rather take control than share it. Only men who send me PMs are interested in the quick wham-bam..all the women think I am after the contents of the bra and panties, and 99% of the time are perfectly willing to verbally back you off cause you are cutting into their cybersex time in Chat.

Yeah...warm place.

There was a time when I would go into chat and simply say hello categorically down the list. The guys would respond with,"Where do you live." and the females would respond with,"Not interested in men." Except Arana and a few others, this is the standard responses I have gotten. Not a hello...how are you...do you like chess...how's the weather?

So like I said, no...no friends. Wanted to make friends but I see the error of my ways now. Got to get with program or get out.

I meant no offense Arana, especially to you. If we'd had a chance to be friends you would know the real me, any and all of you would have!

[arana]

Arana...you were sympathetic, but not someone I ever got to know well enough to call friend. An aquaintance, certainly. But friends take some time. Also, you never saw me NOT down because I never vocalized anything until I was howling in pain. I am the sort who keeps it jarred up until I pop, and I go looking for someone to talk to. For sure, you have been someone to talk to and that's no small deal. I surely appreciate that, make no mistake.

The people around me know I am the joker type, love to play, laugh, I am the comedian...I live to see people laugh. They expect me to cheer them when they are down, bring fun with me in my back pocket and make pain chase away to the farthest hills. But THAT is all I have been to anyone. Temporary fix, a laught o make them feel good. Never a more serious consideration, not in the category of potential significance...

Even here, no PMs, or emails, nothing besides creepy attempts at hook ups. Some claiming they want to know, then realize they would rather take control than share it. Only men who send me PMs are interested in the quick wham-bam..all the women think I am after the contents of the bra and panties, and 99% of the time are perfectly willing to verbally back you off cause you are cutting into their cybersex time in Chat.

Yeah...warm place.

There was a time when I would go into chat and simply say hello categorically down the list. The guys would respond with,"Where do you live." and the females would respond with,"Not interested in men." Except Arana and a few others, this is the standard responses I have gotten. Not a hello...how are you...do you like chess...how's the weather?

So like I said, no...no friends. Wanted to make friends but I see the error of my ways now. Got to get with program or get out.

I meant no offense Arana, especially to you. If we'd had a chance to be friends you would know the real me, any and all of you would have!
Then I'm sorry I never got to meet that Ian because he seems like a great person. And yes I do remember the early days when you said you were "upbeat". I and a couple of others would try to talk to you and Cherry in the mainroom and neither of you would say boo back to me so I guess that works both ways. Anyway, as I said, I do wish you all the luck and I hope you enjoy your son to the fullest as he's not getting any younger.

[IanBorthwick]

I and a couple of others would try to talk to you and Cherry in the mainroom and neither of you would say boo back to me so I guess that works both ways.

That would have been because of way netscape hated Drew's chat Plugins. It would let us talk for about 5 minutes then we'd get Disconnected...have to shut down the program and relog, lather rinse repeat. Sometimes the window would be up and just freeze. Trust me, we only ignored the creeps, and it took a while before the program was improved enough for me to use Safari to chat in there. It might have also been the number of IMs we got because we were a couple and had no ability to slog back through them to the main room.

Not for lack of trying, or intent to injure...Sorry Arana. :(

[jedinudist]

I hope you find the peace you seek.

[rissababynta]

There was a time when I would go into chat and simply say hello categorically down the list. The guys would respond with,"Where do you live." and the females would respond with,"Not interested in men." Except Arana and a few others, this is the standard responses I have gotten. Not a hello...how are you...do you like chess...how's the weather?




wow. that sucks that you happened to find all of the jerks. i'm sorry that these people caused you to have an unpleasant experience here. i am glad that you happened to find people who aren't like that though. atleast you know that not everyone here is a creap.

sometimes people need to just talk. forget trying to hook up. try to actually make a friend once in a while. sometimes i think these people don't know what they are missing out on, because obviously they missed out on you and you seem like a great person.

i hope that you will find peace and be happy again.

[canuckotter]

You only wanted a little attention, and you didn't even get that. I can see how that could be depressing and frustrating. I really sympathise with you... I've had some pretty lonely times before too, and it always feels like you're being ignored by the people you're interested in and the people who are interested in you are not the kind of people you want to be around. It's not a lot of fun.

But here's the thing... We're not here to serve you. I think there are a number of fantastic people on here who you'd get along with quite well if you took the time to get to know them, but it seems like you're (perhaps subconsciously?) setting yourself up for failure. You complain that you haven't made friends, but when Arana says "Hey" you say "Oh, yeah, you're not really a friend." You complain that people don't pay attention to you in chat, and then it turns out that when people did try to pay attention to you, you had computer problems.

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time finding what you're looking for, but whining isn't likely to win you any friends.

[biwords]

Hi Ian. We'd exchanged some email back around March and I'd tried to be encouraging. Reading your latest, I have to admit some sympathy for canuckotter's 'toughlove' approach. The guy you care for wants someone else? Everyone here's been through stuff like that. Many of us will go through it again. It's a near-universal human experience. You write as though there's been some concerted effort to snub you. That would surprise me. You might want to speak to someone -- a pastor, family doctor, someone like that -- to try and restore a little perspective. It can make the difference between facing each day with hope or despair. Sincere best wishes, Paul.