My Girlfriend

[shutdown123]

These past 24 hours has been a huge emotional roller coaster for me. My girlfriend of 7 months has told me she's bisexual. I really don't know what's going through my head.

I love this girl. I don't know if i can love anybody as much as i've loved her. We've been through so much in such a short period of time... and i'm just confused right now.

I'm here to get some perspective and hopefully gain some understanding.
I'm ok with the fact that she's bisexual. She's had small crushes on girls, thinks girls are physically more attractive than guys, actually was more attracted to girls than guys until she met me, she's never done anything with a girl and never been with one.

I guess my issue is two things. One is, i feel lacking. I feel insufficient. Due to the fact that she's more physically attracted to girls than guys. She tells me that its not something i should worry about but how can i not? I feel like i'm a disadvantage by being a guy.

two. I used to think having a threesome would be the most awesome thing. But honestly it's not. We talked about it and i can tell it turned her on. Sometimes i feel that it turns her on more than sex with guys. She was excited talking about it. call me selfish, but i realized that i don't want to share her. I love her. why would she consider being intimate with anybody else if she's in love with me. It's like me asking to bring a girl i have the hots for into our bedroom... she'd get offended to. I'm afraid even if she chooses me.... the temptation will be there for the rest of her life and she'll resent me for being the reason she wasn't able to experience it.

just a note. if ur wondering about our sex life. We have sex 3-5 times a week. I more than please her. I've given her 25+ small orgasms before and 4 "rainbows" in one session. she enjoys oral, giving and receiving. basically our sex life is very healthy just in case you think this might be the reason.

[Bluebiyou]

Sorry, guy.
It sounds like the begining of the end for you.
You sound like a monogamous fellow. You are falling-down-the-bottomless-pit in love with this girl. Sharing her with anyone obviously disturbs you... in spite of the male-ego coveted threesome.
One, you're not insufficient. You've got all you need and you don't have to prove it. You don't need to go here (dwell in this subject).
Two, your monogamous feelings are quite common and reasonable. Some folks are able to do otherwise; many (like myself) are not. I can't share my girl with someone else, and I can't screw around without betraying myself.
You'll probably try the threesome, out of fear of losing loving her, and perhaps even open that you might be okay with it (3some). Judging from your text, I'd say you won't be. Your heart will tear you apart. You're in a bad place and I'm sorry; but that's my opinion.
You might 'change' and like it, I just doubt it after reading your note.
I'm very sorry. Best wishes and good luck.

[Lorcan]

She's had small crushes on girls, thinks girls are physically more attractive than guys, actually was more attracted to girls than guys until she met me, she's never done anything with a girl and never been with one.

call me selfish, but i realized that i don't want to share her. I love her. why would she consider being intimate with anybody else if she's in love with me.

It sounds like she's in the same place i was once. Back before i'd been with a girl I found this very beautiful boy. It turned me on to what was attractive about guys. I would have kept him if I could. Our break-up had nothing to do with me being bisexual.

I know that you feel monogamous. And that won't change for some people. But for others, when the relationship matures and trust grows, some people are willing to let their bisexual partners explore. You just have to talk to her and tell her how you feel right now.

I can tell you how she feels: she feels like a virgin. Until she meet her first girl, she'll feel like a virgin. You know what it felt like to be a virgin ;)

-L

[Mrs.F]

I know that you feel monogamous. And that won't change for some people. But for others, when the relationship matures and trust grows, some people are willing to let their bisexual partners explore. You just have to talk to her and tell her how you feel right now.
L
This is so right on!

Been there and done all this, except I had been married to my husband for 10 yrs. when I found out he was bisexual and HAD been with guys before he met me. I went through EVERY EMOTION you are feeling. It took close to a yr. to get all my thoughts together and figure out how, what, why and can WE live like that and be happy. We did tons and tons of talking and I joined this site to understand and learn from others in the same situation. Now...almost 3 yrs. later our marriage and relationship are very strong. It's just going to take time and lots of communication on both your parts.

[shameless agitator]

Well, it sounds to me like you really need monogamy, so it's really all going to come down to whether she can give you that. You need to talk to her openly and honestly about the situation and assess where things are headed. If she's willing to be with you exclusively, then it's all well and good. If she can't give you what you need though, it's better to find out now and end things amicably than to let it wait until you're even more attached to her & have it turn into a big ugly fight.

[wildangel]

I was in a similar place that your girlfriend is in now. My [now] husband knew before our first date that I was bisexual and more interested in women, but that I had never been with a woman. I didn't actually change that aspect until I was married. He was okay with it, still is, and I've been with the same girl since. However, it doesn't seem like that set-up would work for you.




I can tell you how she feels: she feels like a virgin. Until she meet her first girl, she'll feel like a virgin. You know what it felt like to be a virgin ;)

-L

Lorcan's right. While some bisexuals may be okay never exploring the opposite side of their sexuality (whether it's their gay or straight side), others feel unfulfilled or chained, like I did. I was [subconsciously] very unhappy until I did 'open up'. If he asked me to now, I wouldn't even think twice about being monogamous with him. I love him and I would always choose his happiness over my own. Him being happy is what makes me happy.

Perhaps the solution to your problem is half of what most of us do. Instead of her going out and exploring her sexuality while in a relationship with you, maybe you should take an indefinite break from each other. Maybe she'll find that while she's sexually more attracted to females, she's chemically more attracted to you. On the other hand, if she doesn't isn't it better to know now than after you've made a permanent commitment to each other and you're both miserable?



**And as a side note: sometimes the fact that you're both interested primarily in females can be more helpful in bed. You're watching porn, she's not likely to care if Ron Jeremy is bigger or thicker. You're both more interested in Jenna's charms.:cool:


GOOD LUCK!

[Doggie_Wood]

Valid points one and all - and yes, I agree ..... in your situation Shutdown, communication is paramount, if the two of you are to stay together. If you are affraid of losing her and try to hang on to her to tightly, (i know from experience) you WILL lose her.

[Sapphrodite]

Shutdown: there are many excellent points here already, however as I recently posted in the other thread - as ideal as it would be for every straight significant other to be accepting of their partner's bisexual lifestyle, you have to look into your own heart and decide what's best for you first.

I definitely agree that the novelty she is experiencing about being a bi-virgin may make you feel a little inadequate, but as bisexual woman who has gone through the process, this part of her sexual rediscovery doesnt indicate any lacking in her love or attractions towards you whatsoever. It doesn't mean that she wants to sleep with the entire cheerleading squad or have wild threesomes or orgies. It's very similar to any new sexual interest, like vibrators or anal sex: until you have experienced it in some way, it seems to be at the foremost of your thoughts, though it doesnt change your feelings about other sexual activity, nor do you desire them any less.

I'm sure you remember how you felt the first time you thought about getting down with a girl - that's what she's experiencing right now. No more than you would continue to lust after every girl that walks by with a bulge in your pants like when you were a teenager, she wont be in a state of hyper-fantasy forever, and once she has a better handle on how she feels and how this is all going to play out, she'll go back to being your regular sweet girlfriend. Although she could seem anxious to have a threesome, in theory she would be able to not only have you there, but in her mind it would be indicative of your support. However if you have the opportunity to speak to her about it again in the future, feel free to ask her how she would feel if your interest was in the other women also - she may not have thought about this aspect and will likely re-evaluate the whole idea, not to mention see where you are coming from.

Try not to take her new-found enthusiasm towards other women as being the precedent for all things to come either: I was very open with my husband and I decided to remain bicelebate (not interact in a romantic way towards other women) until I was certain about both his feelings and mine. I spent about two years sharing these feelings with him and acting on my fantasies through girl-girl porn, playng with toys and talking to him about what turned me on about women. I felt as though I knew what our boundries were and that he would remain supportive whether I decided to be with another woman or not, which allowed me to pursue those feelings with his support.

Even after 11yrs, we have never had a threesome as he isnt interested, and he understands that I have had affections for other women but that could never replace my relationship with him, nor would I leave him for someone else. He also knows that with one sentence, I would never be with another woman again: in that same breath, he also knows that I would not abandon my friendships with other bi women, but remain platonic in my interaction with them.

The fact that your girlfriend hasnt gone out and done anything about it before openning the lines of communication with you is extremely promising. It means that she loves and respects you enough that (a) she wouldnt do anything to jeopardize your relationship; and (b) feels comfortable and open enough to talk to you about her deepest feelings. Take it as a indicator that she wants to stay in things with you for the long haul and is looking to you for support and guidance, and whatever acceptance you can offer.

Before you make any harsh decisions or hastily tell her all your initial reactions, take some time to look inside yourself and see if this is something you can deal with over the long term. Not everyone is emotionally hardwired to share that part of themselves and knowing what you personally can/cannot handle will help determine not only the outcome of this relationship but how you deal with it and others in the future. Regardless of how much you love her you are not obligated to support her being actively bisexual, but know that there is lot of growing you can do together long before a threesome has to be considered.

In case you havent seen it, there is another posting about S/O's being bisexual, which may offer some additional insight: http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4632


Good luck, and know that this site will always be a source of support for both bi's and their partners, so don't be afraid to contact anyone from here on a one-to-one basis, as I've yet to find anyone that hasnt found time for my questions.
~Sapphy~

[bi42guy1958]

:2cents: I understand the feelings you may have, and I think youre in a good position coming here for help. Alot of different opinions and views. I would ask you to consider this.
For many, bisexual can mean lots of things pertaining to being with both sexes. For me I choose to break the word down and define it. BI; meaning of 2, in this case both men and women. sexual; meanig of a sexual nature (not loving). In other words, sexually I love both men and women, but when it comes to having those loving feelings its only with women. I enjoy the visuals, touching, stroking, oral with both sexes. With the opposite sex there is way more involved. I care nothing about a romantic relationship with a man. As a matter of fact, after the "moment" with a guy, its "OK, dont touch me now."
So take the time to talk to her, open up of your feelings and listen to hers. It could be the same for her as it is for me. Hope this helps somewhat, and good luck!

[CMack]

My advice?

Talk talk and more talk. Be completely open and honest, or it will come back around to bite you. FACT: most straight women think women are more attractive than men. So what, then if she does. Bisexual people, especially if they are in the "wishy washy" stage of "I want this... no... I want that... no.. I want this... can be very confusing. It may even be a rollercoaster... but if you are honest about it then in can be rewarding. Think of it this way (if you can): would you rather a woman cheat on you with a woman or a man? Answer yourself honestly. Many wives cheat on their husbands. Recent polls have shown that nearly as many women cheat on their husbands as men do cheat on their wives. Cheating with the opposite sex, mind you. If she cheated with another man, you would feel that sense of competition and your ego would be eraged like a volcano on steroids. With a woman? You are more or less protected from this fact. That would be the reward. Be open and honest, but really if it has only been 7 months...

:2cents: I understand the feelings you may have, and I think youre in a good position coming here for help. Alot of different opinions and views. I would ask you to consider this.
For many, bisexual can mean lots of things pertaining to being with both sexes. For me I choose to break the word down and define it. BI; meaning of 2, in this case both men and women. sexual; meanig of a sexual nature (not loving). In other words, sexually I love both men and women, but when it comes to having those loving feelings its only with women. I enjoy the visuals, touching, stroking, oral with both sexes. With the opposite sex there is way more involved. I care nothing about a romantic relationship with a man. As a matter of fact, after the "moment" with a guy, its "OK, dont touch me now."
So take the time to talk to her, open up of your feelings and listen to hers. It could be the same for her as it is for me. Hope this helps somewhat, and good luck!

[CMack]

whoops... okay that quote wasn't supposed to get in there... must have clicked the wrong button!