What should I do?

[lonelygirlintx]

This is the hubby of lonelygirlintx and I need some help from you guys. I don't know how to trust my wife after what she has done in the past. She is bisexual and believes she is also poly. I, however, am completely monogamous. I have been faithful. I just wanna know how I can trust her again when she can't even commit to a simple promise. She has broken many since we've been together. She asked for help on here and ya'll gave her some good advice so that's why I am coming to ya'll. Should I trust her to be with other men and believe her when she says she won't leave me or should I leave and find someone else who is willing to be only mine? To let you know, I have no problem with her being with women, just men, and I'm not insecure, just scared she will leave me and that's the worst case scenario for me.

[shameless agitator]

Tough call man. If it was me, since you're okay with her being with other women but not men, I would tell her that was what I was willing to accept. If she's unwilling to forgo relationships with other men, then you have to ask yourself if you're willing to continue the relationship with the attending jealousy. You can't make yourself trust her. You either do or you don't. Is what you have together enough to make it worth dealing with the insecurity & fear of losing her? Only you can answer that.

Bi the way
I'm not insecure, just scared she will leave me and that's the worst case scenario for me.This is about the best definition of insecurity I've ever heard.

[arcakes]

To let you know, I have no problem with her being with women, just men,

I don't mean to make an example of your tough situation, but I've always found double standards like the quote above really confusing. If you're monogamous, you shouldn't be comfortable with your signif. other being sexually involved with anybody else, right? Some of it must spring from patriarchal fetishism (lesbian sex isn't "REAL sex")...but I wonder if anyone can explain it for me any better than that.

When I'm in relationships I don't like sharing with either sex... :)

[sammie19]

I dont often post much these days but I did find this a little sad. It just appears to me that there is no common ground between husband and wife here and something is going to give before too long. We (my partner and I) agree with arcakes about the double standard being applied but I suspect it has more to do with the husbands heterosexuality rather than any preconceived morality of the rights and wrongs his wife sleeping with a woman rather than a man. For all the writers proclamation of monogamy and fidelity, deep down, or not so deep down is a hope that he can join in. But never with a man. Its the old fashioned male stereotype of being the filling in the sandwich of two girls. If we are wrong we apologise, but it is how it appears to us.

There is the also the incredible insecurity of the husband of his wife's extramarital relationships. Can I just say sweetheart, that it is just as easy for her to run off with a woman as it is for her to go off with a man. It happens and not infrequently. It is something which happens. Two women falling in love. It happened to a friend of mine who is a member of this site, and who left her husband for another woman. That same woman now lives with someone else who herself left her husband.

What we can say with absolute certainty is that unless "hubbie" can shake off the shackles of his own insecurity, then there is no hope for the relationship. For his wife shall run off with someone and it doesnt matter much whether it is a man or a woman. It will happen. Or God forbid some other tragedy which would be even worse.

We see from the profile that both of you are only 19. Well I am not much older being just 22. But I do not have the insecurity which exists here, nor would I put my partner through the apparent fear that exists in the mind of hubbie if I were as the wife. There is much the two of you neeed to discuss and agree upon. I am sorry to say to say I am not hopeful that your marriage will last, but hope I am wrong and that between you things can be worked out. Considering the vastly differing viewpoints you have I find it difficult to see where the common ground is. Except for the sleeping with women part of it I cant see much.

Talking to older friends and family, they tell me that how we see and wish to run our lives changes as we get older. My partner tells me the same. So much changes from morals to politics and even what we like to eat. Even our sexuality and what we want from that sexuality. So its not all doom and gloom, and there is some hope. It is staying together long enough for your ideas and sexual proclivities to grow together that is going to be your problem. Incredible patience is going to be needed, because it may be that you will never grow close enough to make things work.

Love can do many astonishing things, but it cant do it all as too many people have found out and too many more have yet to do so. It doesnt overcome all. I wish it did. It is a foundation to build on and become even more closely united with our partners. But if it is built on the proverbial bed of clay, that love can soon turn to contempt and even hatred.

You may love each other with great intensity now, but we think you have to ask yourselves whether or not you have the capacity to respect how the other feels, and whether you have the compatibility to make your marriage work. In fact we think you must ask yourselves whether you are in love with each other in the first place.

We are sorry we cant be more positive, but we are trying to be constructive.
We both hope you can work things out and that your life can be happy and contented. Its going to need a lot of work. Much luv.

Sam and Meg x

[shameless agitator]

I don't mean to make an example of your tough situation, but I've always found double standards like the quote above really confusing. If you're monogamous, you shouldn't be comfortable with your signif. other being sexually involved with anybody else, right? Some of it must spring from patriarchal fetishism (lesbian sex isn't "REAL sex")...but I wonder if anyone can explain it for me any better than that.

When I'm in relationships I don't like sharing with either sex... :)I've been discussing this subject with a friend on myspace. His take & I think he's right, is that we're able to accept the idea of our partner with another woman because it's non-threatening. They obviously offer something different than we, as men do. It's an apples and oranges comparison. With another man though, it's apples and apples, so the questions arise, why aren't my apples enough? whose apples are better? etc.

[azirish]

I've been discussing this subject with a friend on myspace. His take & I think he's right, is that we're able to accept the idea of our partner with another woman because it's non-threatening. They obviously offer something different than we, as men do. It's an apples and oranges comparison. With another man though, it's apples and apples, so the questions arise, why aren't my apples enough? whose apples are better? etc.

If you're "ok" with her being with other women, why ask any questions of the people here? You have already given an "ok" for any extra-martial relations. Guy/Girl, she has by you're account already be given a free reign to do as she pleases. Just because its not a guy, she may be with...doesn't mean one day you will come home to an empty house..after she splits to be with "her".

[azirish]

To let you know, I have no problem with her being with women, just men, and I'm not insecure, just scared she will leave me and that's the worst case scenario for me.[/QUOTE]


I noticed others have mentioned it. Yes you are indeed insecure. If you weren't you wouldn't have mentioned it.

[GalacticiaActual]

I believe that if you can't work out an agreement that satisifies BOTH of you, then YOU will never be happy in the relationship.
What may seem completely normal to her may be totaly unacceptable to you, and you may have to face the reality that the relationship just might not be the right one for you. You will need to weigh how much of your happiness you're willing to sacrifice for hers. :2cents:
Good luck, these things are never easy...

[someotherguy]

You can pick from real options.

The option of trusting her and being safe is not real. She is a promise breaker. And even if she was someone else who you could deem trustworthy, there is always the chance of future betrayal.

So realistically you have two options.

1. Be alone, to avoid the chance of betrayal.

2. Be with someone, taking a risk of betrayal.


If you opt for a relationship, then you can maximize the illusion of trust by choosing someone who values keeping their word. In any case, being afraid of losing someone is the problem here. It might hurt to lose someone, but that is nothing to fear. Fear is not something you want to live by. Fear is for special occasions, not everyday life.

[Gruffy In KC]

I am probably exceptionally over simplifying a basic point here, but, if she is in a relationship (your marriage) that affords her the opportunity to keep a stable "normal" life while engaging in all the fun of her extracurricular activities, why would she leave it? My wife and I are both bi, and we are in an open relationship. She can see who she wants as long as it does not interfere with family and ME time, as I can with the same exceptions. There is a matter of trust involved. Call me an idiot, but, it works out ok for us. Perhaps you should let her have her fun.