View Full Version : little advice?
ris19
Jun 1, 2008, 2:38 AM
Okay so I recently discovered that I am bi. But I don't know if I should tell my girlfriend or not, or how to tell her. I know I should to be honest with her, but I tried mentioning it before but then she started saying she was confused about how I felt about her. What do I do?
FalconAngel
Jun 1, 2008, 3:06 AM
Well, if she thinks that she's confused about how you feel about her, then tell her how you feel about her. Show her how you feel about her.
Explain that the fundamental person that she fell for is still there and has not changed, just the way you feel about sex with men has come to the forefront and you need to explore it safely and preferably with her full knowledge and hopefully her blessings.
Encourage her to get on the site and to ask questions of the people here. Encourage her to ask you questions about being BI as well.
Be honest with her about it and about your feelings both about being BI as well as your feelings for her.
We are a mixed orientation couple and, like yourself, we have been where you are now.
We sat down and discussed things together and I have always been honest with her about my sexuality and my feelings about being BI and my feelings toward her.
I encouraged her to seek out Bisexual groups to help her to understand as well as to give her ideas as to what to ask me.
You should do the same.
On this site, as well as on any number of other groups, there are Bisexuals and mixed orientation couples that can help her to understand your sexuality as well as to give her ideas as to what she can ask you about it.
If she asks a tough question, be honest. Don't pad it unnecessarily, but don't be cruel about it either.
No matter what the genders or sexualities of a couple, honesty and mutual respect are what either makes it work or makes the breakup a lot easier to deal with if that is what it comes down to.
shameless agitator
Jun 1, 2008, 3:13 AM
Ouch. I think most of us have been there. I would say you do need to talk to her about it. Sounds like the cat's out of the bag now anyway. The question pretty much becomes what happens with your relationship now. That's going to depend on several factors. How strong your connection to each other is for one thing. Are you looking to explore this newfound attraction, or are you content to just acknowledge it and not do anything about it? That could obviously have a big impact on how she feels about the whole thing. She's definitely going to need some reassurance that this doesn't mean you love her any less or that you're going to leave her for another man. If you are thinking about exploring, I would suggest you may want to wait a while before bringing the idea up. Give her a chance to adjust a little at a time. Maybe introduce it just as fantasy between the 2 of you & have her do some anal play with you. Just my :2cents:
someotherguy
Jun 1, 2008, 7:57 AM
People will either accept you or not. It is much better to find ones who will than to bother with ones who won't. Life so far has not prepared either of you for bisexuality and relationships. But it has prepared you to know the difference between someone who says "I know who I am and what I want" from someone who says "I am awash in fearful confusions". The thing is, when you don't yet know yourself, nobody else can because you haven't settled in yet, and you just use people as mirrors to admire your reflection trying on the different you that day. Just start each day saying this "I am young, I have no idea what is going on, and it will be years before I do." That will keep you on the right path.
**Peg**
Jun 1, 2008, 3:29 PM
...The thing is, when you don't yet know yourself, nobody else can because you haven't settled in yet, and you just use people as mirrors to admire your reflection trying on the different you that day. ....
well said, and a deep thought. I like it. (I have a 50-yr old friend who is STILL plumbing the depths of the mirror... in vain I might add).
darkeyes
Jun 1, 2008, 3:40 PM
Okay so I recently discovered that I am bi. But I don't know if I should tell my girlfriend or not, or how to tell her. I know I should to be honest with her, but I tried mentioning it before but then she started saying she was confused about how I felt about her. What do I do?
Jus tell er str8.. tho hell me knos it aint as easy as it sounds... tell er that she is ya best m8..that yas bi..but that er friendship is wot means so much 2 ya that ya wud neva do ne thin 2 endanger that... me best m8 is bi as it happens..an she is effin gorge (big seethe of envy!!)..but wud neva eva do owt wich wud lose me er friendship.. we been through 2 much togetha 2 even think bout tryin me luk... an kno she feels zactly the same an always will! We both hav our own partners an families an they r wot we wont in our lives, togetha with our friendship wich is deep an heartfelt...
Mrs.F
Jun 1, 2008, 4:09 PM
I also feel that you should tell her the truth. She has a right to know and you have the right to be free of your secret with her. I had been married for 10 yrs. when I suddenly caught my husband hanging out on this site. I had NOT a clue at all and to say the least, it devastated me. It took me a long time to realize exactly how I felt about all it and how it changed my views of him and our marriage. But I think most my worry was how he felt about ME. I didn't understand it and I can see why she may be confused about your feelings for her right now. The only way to help her to come to terms with it and make it known your feelings for her is communicate with her at all times what your feelings for her are. Show her, tell her, be with her, be honest with her. Being all that with her is also being honest with yourself and in the long run, will hopefully bring the two of you closer. I wish you the best of the luck.
chook
Jun 2, 2008, 2:20 AM
Well after all the crap and bullshit I copped the last time I answered a post like yours riz19 All I can say to you is do what you think is right and take it from there.
Cheers Chook :bigrin:
darkeyes
Jun 2, 2008, 6:19 AM
Well after all the crap and bullshit I copped the last time I answered a post like yours riz19 All I can say to you is do what you think is right and take it from there.
Cheers Chook :bigrin:
Oi me luffly lil upside down head man...me didn giveya crap an bullshit!!! Can b arranged tho.. tee hee:bigrin:
HardRockClimb
Jun 2, 2008, 10:16 AM
Everyone's situation is different. Some people are in situations (sometimes unsafe) where they can't be so open and honest.
All I can say is --
In one situation, I chose not to tell my GF - and it was a disaster.
After that, I told every person I dated (both men and women) and it was the best thing for me to do. Those who freaked out about it, I didn't care because we hadn't invested much into the relationship. Those who thought it was cool that I'm bi - made for a great relationships (including an awesome partnership with my very supportive wife).
I guess if you tell her and she freaks -- you two aren't meant to be.
If you tell her and she's cool (or at the very least uncomfortable but willing to learn more about you instead of being judgmental) -- you may have a keeper!
The best part about all of this is you're recognizing this great part of yourself at such a young age. As someone else I think perfectly suggested, you can't have someone else love you for who you are until you know who you are. You've got lots of time to "settle into yourself." You don't have to solve every question about yourself in the next week (or decade for that matter!)
Good luck!!
Mystic
Jun 2, 2008, 5:12 PM
Honesty is the best policy. Why not introduce her to another couple that might be in the same situation, only the female is bi. Might prove to be a worth while adventure in the goodness of life.
Cherokee_Mountaincat
Jun 2, 2008, 6:18 PM
Darlin, the advice that everyone here has imparted has the turth in it. I suggest that this be Your best bet too. Like they said, be Totally honest with your lady, and Reassure her over and over if you have to, that its just sex, and something you might like to explore. It has nothing to do with your love and feelings toward her, and hell, it may be something you try a couple of times and go, "Hmmm, this isnt for me After all" One never knows, Hon.
Be honest, TALK to her, never leave her in the dark, and ask if this is something she might even wish to be a part Of. I know many women have the fantasy of having another man join in on playtime now and then, and I can tell you from personal experiance that its Very hot and arousing to watch, and aide 2 men in lusting. (Is it gettin warm in here???) lol
If she would like another woman's perspective, feel free to have her contact me. :}
Cat
Gina7777
Jun 2, 2008, 8:36 PM
Hi
I have recently been that women told by a lover that he was also craving sex with a man. I think it's perhaps that because we women often associate sex with some sort of emotional attachment it's hard to believe that it would be only sex and that he could still love me. I also felt what I think a lot of women in this situation feel, that I must have failed - not been sexy enough. I said I felt "redundant" but he said no - it was just different - another side to him. Anyway after thinking and talking about it, I decided maybe it could be fun to join him and another man, and even try a little something with a woman myself. But it's true what everyone says - you do need to tell her, and be willing to keep talking it through and reassuring her, and showing her you still fancy her like mad. (For one thing, reassuring about cleanliness and hygiene and health precautions is important.)
Good luck!
Gina
chook
Jun 2, 2008, 9:37 PM
Oi me luffly lil upside down head man...me didn giveya crap an bullshit!!! Can b arranged tho.. tee hee:bigrin:
Awwwww Fran..............we all know that ya bark is worse than ya bite :rolleyes:
cheers chook :bigrin:
darkeyes
Jun 3, 2008, 5:30 AM
Awwwww Fran..............we all know that ya bark is worse than ya bite :rolleyes:
cheers chook :bigrin:Funny that..Kate sez me bite is ratha nice 2... :tong: Me ex hubbie didn agree tho... not wiv that hang dog look on is face wen me went of at im in a paddie!!!!:bigrin:
ris19
Jun 3, 2008, 6:09 AM
Thanks all. Doesn't really matter now. But thank you. I can use the info for the future.
chook
Jun 3, 2008, 5:57 PM
Thanks all. Doesn't really matter now. But thank you. I can use the info for the future.
Well there ya fucking go.........A lot of hoo haa over nothing!!!
And as we say in OZ........Good on ya mate
Cheers Chook :banghead:
shameless agitator
Jun 3, 2008, 9:52 PM
Thanks all. Doesn't really matter now. But thank you. I can use the info for the future.Ouch! Sounds like you've had a bit of a learning experience whether you wanted it or not. If I'm interpreting this right & things didn't work out with her, I'd say you could look at this as an opportunity to start fresh. From now on you can just tell prospective partners about your orientation before you get involved & know from the gate if they're going to be okay with the whole concept.
Papelucho
Jun 3, 2008, 10:42 PM
Just start each day saying this "I am young, I have no idea what is going on, and it will be years before I do." That will keep you on the right path.
That's awesome.
Here's what my advice would have been, had it not been too late, and it goes against everything else that's been said heretofore.
You should have approached the situation like breaking up would have been no big deal to you. You knew that this was some heavy stuff, and that's hard for her to have to take, especially when you're there, probably with puppy dog eyes, looking for her approval. She doesn't want to be in that situation.
You should have said something like: "I'm bisexual so I think that we should break up."
She would have said, "What? Wait, I thought you said you're bisexual, you still like girls too don't you?"
"Yes, but I just think it's best. I don't want to put an unwanted burden on you, or make you feel uncomfortable., so I think that this may be the only option"
"But wait..."
She would have accepted your bisexuality in record time...lmao.
The key to this approach is that you truly don't want to put an unwanted burden on your partner, or make them feel uncomfortable. You put your cards on the table without making her feel guilty, depressed, or pressured.
:)