really confused, dont know what to do

[jaded-dagger]

hey, i've been thinking so much lately and im really confused. i feel as if i became bi overnight, but i also feel like ive subconciously been denying it without thinking, if that makes any sense to you

i have a bf and im pretty sure i love him so i know i dont like only girls and ive always had little crushes on guys. but ive started having little crushes on girls too. i dont know what to do. i have never had any serious romantic feeling for girls before and i havnt done anything like kiss one b4.

im scared what my bf will think if he finds out. i dont want him to freak out, but i dont wanna keep everything inside anymore. i have this friend and i can always talk to her about my problems, except i have a slight crush on her so it would be hard to talk to her about it. i have a teacher who is gay and i look up to him so i gave him a note and asked him to email me back, but he hasnt yet.

if anyone has advice, plz reply. id like to hear from people who know how i feel, cuz rite now i feel as if im alone. thank you.

[JohnnyV]

Jaded,

Obviously it's hard to advise you online, but here are a couple things that jump out at me:

1 -- When you say you have crushes, how far does this go? Is it an intense emotional bond or clearly sexual? Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the two.

2-- How long have you been with your boyfriend? If you haven't been together long enough for him to feel secure in your devotion (or if in fact you are wondering about these things as a way of asking yourself if you should leave him) then he isn't the right person to talk to, because he won't be able to respond to your questions without thinking about his own stake in them.

3-- Your teacher will be in a very difficult position if he answers your question. As someone who works in education, I can tell you that teachers are liable for countless frivolous lawsuits if they get involved in students' sexual questions in any way. So if he doesn't answer you back, he's doing what he needs to do as a professional. In this climate he isn't the right person to talk to.

4-- Can you talk to your friend about your thoughts without telling her you have a crush on her? If you have to get something off your chest, a female confidante might be the right one, but you can do it without making her feel directly threatened or on the spot. Just don't mention that you find her attractive.

5-- As lots of people say on this website, don't let labels run your life. I would say that you can't become bisexual overnight; I would also say that "becoming bisexual" is a somewhat meaningless term. You're finding females attractive and wondering if you might want to experience sex with a woman; just leave it at that and don't try to fit yourself into other people's formulae. Just be yourself.

Let us know how things turn out. And I hope it all works out for you.

Luv,
J

[jaded-dagger]

is it ok if i specify to your reply? i guess i wasnt specific enuff.

1. the crushes dont go too far, its nothing sexual but its also not an intense bond. its just like "hey she looks cute" just like i see guys who look cute too.

2. ive been with my bf for 3 months now. i know he really loves me and i love him too. i tried talking to him about it in a hypothetical way, like "i have this friend..." and he doesnt suspect me at all yet. and im definitly not gonna leave him rite now since i still love him.

3. i can see how it would be difficult talking to my teacher, but i dont really have any other adult figures to help me. im not ready to tell my parents. i've already talked to this teacher about my problems b4. ive talked to him when i had a fight with my current bf, when i broke up with my ex, this one time when there were rumors being spread around about me. hes been there for me a lot for moral support. and i know he'd be able to help since he is gay. if anything would happen that would get in the way of his career, then i guess i wouldnt talk to him about it.

4. i think i'll try talking to my friend without telling her i like her. she actually has a bf, and she helped me in a way to get together with my current bf. but i guess i can try talking to her when im ready.

5. when i started feeling all these things i didnt know anything about being "bi" because i always thought of myself as "straight". and at our school its hard to be open about these things because theres so many steryotypes. i never had the thought of having sex with a woman yet, when i started dating guys i took it slow. i dont expect myself to start having wild sex with every girl i have a crush on. i only mentioned the term "becoming bisexual" because ive never even thought of myself being bi and i didnt know how i could possibly have been bi for my whole life and not know it.

thank you J for your advice. rite now i think ill just try talking to my friend and see what she says. i'll probably wait it out a bit to sort out myself since im still kinda confused.

[nicodiparis]

I have had this problem too. Am I homo, straight or bi ? I had a few experiences with women and none with men but would like too if i could since i have a lot of morale and family pressure. I know that i'm mostly attracted to men - they are the most i lokk at on streets - but sometimes i can feel attracted to a woman not always in a sexual way. But if i know an attractive woman i feel like i want to kiss her and maybe have sex with her. I'm 65 % gay and 35 % Hetero. It's always a question of precentage. But you look to feel good the way you live, that's the best. If you really want to be with a woman, it would be a little more complicated with regard to your bf. Well, wait and see !

[OralBradley]

Only you can say whether or not you are bisexual. gay, or whatever. YOu are what your mind says that you are, and that may change from day to day and whom you are with.
Mostly what I have to say is, don't "should" all over yourself and build a montrous burden of guilt. What you are is right for you--enjoy it.

Brad

[BiBiologist]

Hi Jaded,
From the situation you describe, I'm assuming you're in your teens. There are probably a lot of hormones and things jumping around in your body right now, and I know how confusing that can be. I started having crushes on girls when I was in my teens, but there wasn't much information about sexuality out there for me to tap into in the early 70's. I thought it was just intense feelings of friendship. I didn't feel sexual about girls at that time, but was starting to feel sexually attracted to boys, so thought I'd be "OK." I just tried to be involved in school activities, and have friends, interact socially in groups, rather than feeling I had to date anybody. It's really a good idea to just experience people as friends and save the sex for when you're really sure you're with someone you love and trust. I got myself into a mess when I was 19--sex with my boyfriend was a way of "proving" to myself that I could live a hetero lifestyle. It wasn't a good reason to have sex. I didn't feel sexual toward women until I was into my 20's, and already married. Not saying that is the way you will feel, everybody's different. It's really nice if you love your boyfriend, but if you're not that sure about your feelings, best to sort that out first. Talking to a friend is OK, but might be better to talk to an adult, and you might feel more secure with someone who is "sworn to confidentiality", like a minister, doctor, nurse or counselor at a youth center. It can be really helpful to talk to a professional person, even someone you don't know, because they are usually very compassionate and you can be sure they won't freak or rat you out. I have still not had a sexual relationship with a woman, and even at 46 it is still confusing, and I still need help sorting it out and dealing with it. So don't be shy about finding someone who can help you with this!
Best of luck!
sam

[jaded-dagger]

hey guys thanx for replying. :) i talked to my teacher about it and he was very helpful and compassionate to me. i told a friend (not the one i have a crush on) that i may or may not be bisexual but im not sure. she didnt really talk to much to me about it, i guess she doesnt know enough about it to really talk with me or help me. i decided to tell the friend that i have a crush on that i may be bi. i wont tell her i love her, but she's the only person i can really talk to and, who knows? maybe talking to her about it will open something up. im not gonna label myself anything yet. thanks again for ur advice!