A problem without a solution....

[CherrySodaKiss]

I honestly can't figure this out and it's starting to take a major strain on my relationship with a friend.... I'll try to make this short...

About 8 months ago when we first became roommates we met a guy through a friend one night. We both thought he was date-able, and he ended up falling for my friend. My friend blew him off because she was involved with a guy online and also 17 at the time. The guy turns his attention to me and after much pressure from other friends and the guy I cave and accept his offer for a relationship. A month goes by, my friends online guy comes and stays a week, the guy I was dating at the time breaks up with me and then proceeds to tell me that the only reason why he dated me was to get with my friend in the end. Thus leaving me because he finally saw no chance in hell he was gonna get with her after she turned 18 that month. Memories of previous relationships flood into the picture cause great stress on me with my own emotions buckling under the pressure of never really having a steady relationship with a guy. Also after the week of the online guy was over she breaks it off with him.

Over Christmas break (we're in college) we both head home (our parents live in the same town). She blows me off much of the time we were there, hanging out with the people who I thought were my friends as well, and tries to become more friendly with a few of the guy friends.

Prior to all that back in September I had begun to find a attraction to her which only made both situations worse. I didn't want to tell her at the time in fear of what she would say and also personal pressures from my mother believing I'm a lesbian (I was in denial of liking women and my mother never thought of asking if I was Bi so I always told her no).

I became extremely frustrated over Christmas break with everything going on. From me realizing I liked her, to what had happened back in November that lead to memories of previous male relations. I thought that maybe everything would work out once we got back down to our apartment...

Everything was going fine, I still hadn't told her and it seemed like she had no desire for male relations at the time. Until she met the guy who is her boyfriend now. They begin to form a relationship and my frustration comes back head on. I began to despise the man, I hated him, I hated the fact she was around him and my mood just plummeted from there until about mid march. (there was also some other personal issues going on like memories of raped at 12 that came up around the same time and me finally being diagnosed with depression and getting on medication for that as well as seeing a therapist for it all)

In March I tell her how I felt and she seemed ecstatic about it. It turned out she liked me as well and so we had begun a side relationship in secret... (no one knows about it, not even her boyfriend). For a while there everything seemed fine between us even with some of my out bursts of frustration still lingering about.

I thought over time I would get over the whole her dating him still, but I haven't.
- I'm still jealous over the fact that she is dating a guy (when I can't for the life of me seem to hold one steady for more than a month)
- I'm not only jealous but it also for some reason hurts me in knowing she's having a sexual relation with him.
-There's also the whole age thing between them (she's 18 and he's 26) which is worrying me.
- I also feel like I'm losing her to him every time she has contact with him.
- I feel as though I'm in some competition with him
- I worry if one night she won't come home...
- It hurts to see her be so happy as she get's ready to see him or has talked to him on the phone. (It's as though my presence doesn't make her happy...)

I've talked to her about this on numerous occasions, and she doesn't want to budge. I personally want her to break up with him (not just because of my own feelings towards the situation but from a very emotional and gut feeling that he will hurt her.) We've come to the point now that both of us are fed up with the drama and want it to end. She say's it's my own problem for not liking the situation and that I need to find a way to solve the problem instead of bottling it up and pushing it aside like I've done in the past.

So this is where we are right now. We both do not want to split... we enjoy, and care for each other. She is fine with the situation (because she likes his company and she enjoys mine) and wants to continue with the relation we have and maybe grow a bit more into it as time progresses. She is however tired with the emotional drama that I seem to be adding to.

I've been beating myself silly with all this trying to figure out why it's causing me to act the way I am. I care for her a lot and I don't want to push her away with my actions... I want to stay with her and be with her but it seems as though I can't get around the whole boyfriend situation that's about.

I've even tried focusing on getting my own boyfriend (which like with past experiences is a no go) and it didn't help much...

I honestly don't know what to do.... I need to find some kind of solution for all this otherwise everything is going to fall apart.

[NEPHX]

You're jealous/envious .... plain and simple. It's what society has taught most of us. Some can overcome that for the most part but jealousy pops up in almost EVERY open relationship which is basically what you have even if its "on the side." You don't want to share her. Chances are you're not wired polyamorous or at least not yet...

As is often said, "you already know the answer." The real solution is that you want to see your roomie as a one and only and want her to want the same. You might be just a very close friend who she happens to like sex with too... you have obviously a much deeper emotional attachment that she lacks (in that respect). And there is nothing wrong with either type... part of dating is finding someone that meshes into you on as many points as possible (no one person usually hits them all but you want the major ones). Doesn't sound like she wants that now or perhaps you didn't tell her that specifically. Sounds like she likes men far too much to give that up (especially at 18).

The solution is for you to put her out of your head (as if) and move on for now... or remove yourself physically from the situation (new room mate) and then see what happens with your current room mate after that (it aint over until its over). Otherwise, you will continue to ride the drama-coaster until one or both of you breaks.

We can not change anyone but ourselves and you might not be able to change this aspect of yourself. You don't want to share. Many a couple have tried to find a lover to share and failed... it usually happens, just like a singular lover for yourself, when you're not looking.

It sounds to me that you have already decided that you can not "get" a boyfriend... and set yourself up for failure in that respect (right now).

You already KNOW the answer. Your counselor has probably echoed the same thing... as will many others in here may as well.

HOWEVER... everyone is different. It might be that you can tone down all the drama and and things will fall right into place but the chances are probably very slim. Your heart will still ache when she goes off with another guy/gal, etc. And, at some point, she want come back. That's love/life... we get our hearts broken a number of times...

One thing you don't mention is what you think the long term relationship would look like with your roomie.... something to think about.

[tarzanthejungle]

I would suggest that it's wonderful to have a positive sexual experience with your roommate, and it saddens me that you had a terrible sexual experience at a very early age. I have known several women friends who have confided in me their fear of sex with guys because of an awful experience from their childhood such as rape.

The solution is to work with the counselor to "process" the feelings you have lingering from the rape, and release the drama of the other relationships, even if it means moving out. It would be better to end your relationship with your roommate on a friendly basis rather than an unfriendly basis, and once you can rise above the pain (and drama) from the rape you will be able to experience newer, more deeply fulfilling relationships with other people, and experience self-confidence and self-worth as well.

My recipe for happiness is: forgiveness, gratitude, and faith/hope, all in equal measures on a daily basis.

I wish you well, kindred spirit.

-Woody

[GalacticiaActual]

Jealousy is a hard animal to tame...
Add a bunch of drama to the mix and it will become unmanagable...
We all learn sooner or later in life that it's impossible to change someone else, only yourself.