Long Duck Dong
May 9, 2009, 9:18 AM
I have decided to respect the world and the environment.... so when I wake up tomorrow, I am going to start saving the environment and practising my respect for people and no discrimination lifestyle
When I wake up, I can going to start the day with a smile... get out of bed and stroke the cat, whom will now no longer be neutered ( animal cruelty ), kiss the wife and pay her a compliment ( non judgemental / offensive or degrading to others ) head to the bathroom with the ecofriendly light ( less impact on the environment ) turn the shower on to the optimum temperature ( saving electricity by reducing heating costs ) use the toilet with single ply, recycled paper ( less impact on the soil and no leeching chemicals ) spent 5 minutes in the shower ( optimum time for getting clean without wasting water and depending the natural resources of water and increasing waste water limits ) use only natural shampoo ( no added chemicals to stop chemical leeching ), dry myself with my $30 dollar all natural materials towel ( non of this $5 towel from Taiwan / china made with slave labour ) pat myself down with talicum powder ( can’t use chemicals like anti perspirants / deodorants ) and head to the kitchen for breakfast, natural $10 a cup coffee ( not cancer causing coffee ) two pieces of all natural $8 dollars a loaf bread ( watching cholesterol and fat levels )
Out to the car, with the artificial leather seats ( no offending cows that may be looking in the car ) and turn the key on my solar powered car ( no pollution, using fossil fuels, creating grasshouse gases ) wave and smile at the lady neighbour next door with polite remark about how she is looking well ( no saying looking gorgeous, to avoid accusations of sexual harassment / objectifying herself as a sex object )... reverse down the drive, then stop and look, left and right, left and right, left and right, left and right, left and right, ( checking for cyclists, cats, children, birds, other cars, people walking past, people intending to walk past and stopping, people intending to walk past and not sure what I am doing, people that intend to walk past, but only when I am backing out, people that are waiting for me to back out so they can say they were intending to walk past but were impended by my intention to back out )
I drive down the road at the speed of 48 kph ( legal limit is 50 kph, 48 kph is scientifically researched and verified speed for optimum energy efficiency, and speed best travelled to ensure optimum stopping time and least chance of road rage )
Arrive at the store in time to park at the perfect place for best exercise requirements for walking to and from the store... consult list for items written on recycled note paper, work out best budget for optimum spending as to remain over poverty line, confirm list is forty two items long and proceed to go shopping
as I am shopping, remember the golden rules for shopping, eat before shopping to restrict impulse buying, buy only low fat, low salt, all natural, high fibre, low calorie, heart foundation certified, low carbon footprint, low air miles, home grown, non suspect foods with clear expiration dates, that are of good pricing, within budget and non impulse buying..... head to check out, say thank you to cashier as she takes empty basket... go out to car and return home and optimum speed... walk in the door, smile... and say FUCK THIS....I changed my mind
I am going to wake up in the morning, slap her on the ass which is well padded and made for loving... tell her she is fucking gorgeous, even without her teeth in... smile at the cat as I know that they are getting knackered soon so the fucker will stop spraying on my fav shoes.. fart to my hearts content...as I go to the shower and turn it on... full blast and fucking fast.... go to the toilet and squeeze one out that will gag any earth worms and make them turn green.... using half a roll of triple ply, guaranteed to not rip and have ya finger go up ya ass, paper... get in the shower.... sing like micheal Jackson pissing on a electric fence...45 mintues later... get out... grab the * OMG so thick its like shag pile carpet, towel that took 20 workers 5 years to create it and it cost me $5...grab the deodorant and spray ¾ of a can ..... get dressed in favourite jeans, 3 day old shirt and go to the kitchen for a coffee so toxic, its labelled radio active waste... jam the toaster full of bread that resembles building blocks... drown them in butter...and gag them down....
Out to the car and rub the leather seats... gun the engine, pedal to the metal... and yell out to the neighbour about how she is one dammed fine looking lady, and reverse down the drive way... sitting on the air horns..... stop at the end of the drive way... look left and right.... give the finger to the guy over the road and then cruise down the road at 60 kph...
Find any old carpark at the shop and go in... cos I want this and that and that and that over there.... cos a man has to eat dammit!!!!.... take 3 baskets up to the counter, and tell the cashier, that I only shop there cos she has a nice smile...but the prices suck.....go out and throw the stuff in the car.... cruise to MC’s donalds for a artery clogging, belly stretchin butt inflating super mac combo and one for the wife..... cruise home... walk in the door, kiss the wife and say, I fuckin live !!!!!!!!!!!
I know how I wanna live my life.... what about you
When I wake up, I can going to start the day with a smile... get out of bed and stroke the cat, whom will now no longer be neutered ( animal cruelty ), kiss the wife and pay her a compliment ( non judgemental / offensive or degrading to others ) head to the bathroom with the ecofriendly light ( less impact on the environment ) turn the shower on to the optimum temperature ( saving electricity by reducing heating costs ) use the toilet with single ply, recycled paper ( less impact on the soil and no leeching chemicals ) spent 5 minutes in the shower ( optimum time for getting clean without wasting water and depending the natural resources of water and increasing waste water limits ) use only natural shampoo ( no added chemicals to stop chemical leeching ), dry myself with my $30 dollar all natural materials towel ( non of this $5 towel from Taiwan / china made with slave labour ) pat myself down with talicum powder ( can’t use chemicals like anti perspirants / deodorants ) and head to the kitchen for breakfast, natural $10 a cup coffee ( not cancer causing coffee ) two pieces of all natural $8 dollars a loaf bread ( watching cholesterol and fat levels )
Out to the car, with the artificial leather seats ( no offending cows that may be looking in the car ) and turn the key on my solar powered car ( no pollution, using fossil fuels, creating grasshouse gases ) wave and smile at the lady neighbour next door with polite remark about how she is looking well ( no saying looking gorgeous, to avoid accusations of sexual harassment / objectifying herself as a sex object )... reverse down the drive, then stop and look, left and right, left and right, left and right, left and right, left and right, ( checking for cyclists, cats, children, birds, other cars, people walking past, people intending to walk past and stopping, people intending to walk past and not sure what I am doing, people that intend to walk past, but only when I am backing out, people that are waiting for me to back out so they can say they were intending to walk past but were impended by my intention to back out )
I drive down the road at the speed of 48 kph ( legal limit is 50 kph, 48 kph is scientifically researched and verified speed for optimum energy efficiency, and speed best travelled to ensure optimum stopping time and least chance of road rage )
Arrive at the store in time to park at the perfect place for best exercise requirements for walking to and from the store... consult list for items written on recycled note paper, work out best budget for optimum spending as to remain over poverty line, confirm list is forty two items long and proceed to go shopping
as I am shopping, remember the golden rules for shopping, eat before shopping to restrict impulse buying, buy only low fat, low salt, all natural, high fibre, low calorie, heart foundation certified, low carbon footprint, low air miles, home grown, non suspect foods with clear expiration dates, that are of good pricing, within budget and non impulse buying..... head to check out, say thank you to cashier as she takes empty basket... go out to car and return home and optimum speed... walk in the door, smile... and say FUCK THIS....I changed my mind
I am going to wake up in the morning, slap her on the ass which is well padded and made for loving... tell her she is fucking gorgeous, even without her teeth in... smile at the cat as I know that they are getting knackered soon so the fucker will stop spraying on my fav shoes.. fart to my hearts content...as I go to the shower and turn it on... full blast and fucking fast.... go to the toilet and squeeze one out that will gag any earth worms and make them turn green.... using half a roll of triple ply, guaranteed to not rip and have ya finger go up ya ass, paper... get in the shower.... sing like micheal Jackson pissing on a electric fence...45 mintues later... get out... grab the * OMG so thick its like shag pile carpet, towel that took 20 workers 5 years to create it and it cost me $5...grab the deodorant and spray ¾ of a can ..... get dressed in favourite jeans, 3 day old shirt and go to the kitchen for a coffee so toxic, its labelled radio active waste... jam the toaster full of bread that resembles building blocks... drown them in butter...and gag them down....
Out to the car and rub the leather seats... gun the engine, pedal to the metal... and yell out to the neighbour about how she is one dammed fine looking lady, and reverse down the drive way... sitting on the air horns..... stop at the end of the drive way... look left and right.... give the finger to the guy over the road and then cruise down the road at 60 kph...
Find any old carpark at the shop and go in... cos I want this and that and that and that over there.... cos a man has to eat dammit!!!!.... take 3 baskets up to the counter, and tell the cashier, that I only shop there cos she has a nice smile...but the prices suck.....go out and throw the stuff in the car.... cruise to MC’s donalds for a artery clogging, belly stretchin butt inflating super mac combo and one for the wife..... cruise home... walk in the door, kiss the wife and say, I fuckin live !!!!!!!!!!!
I know how I wanna live my life.... what about you