Are we our parents?

[onewhocares]

Recently because of health issues, I have been spending a substantial amount of time with my mom. Bringing her to doctors appointment, hospitals, theraphy and all the far reaching tasks that one incounters when caring for an elderly parent. While I am the eldest of five children I seem to be the only one who by chance, luck, or circumstance has the time, or who takes the time to be at my mothers side. She has in fact come to stay with us for a week every three weeks.

Spending this time, in an actual role reversal...me taking care of her for the first time, has opened my eyes, posed numerous questions, and has left me thinking...oh my I am turning into my mother...eehhh gads. I started thinking, at what point do we assume the role of our parents. Have we infact become our parents. Do we lead their lives? Have we lived out our own aspirations and goals or allowed our personal dreams to fall to the wayside because we have become the "perfect" child our parents always wanted an never truely expressed our own independent desires?

We are a small family...just hubby, daughter and mother in law and I, and my mom has come to stay with us but can not seem to find her own place within our homes. She an I have diametrically opened view points on just about all subjects. While I respect her postions, there are times when the right path she embraces is not right for our particular famly.

I have tried to express to my mom that while she is an astute woman who happened to haven where she wants for nothing...she can not fathom that people are in crisis mode as this time.

So all the above has happened and several Ice Cream Danwiches later I am still in wonder. Do you have a respemblance to your family memebers

[FalconAngel]

I am more like my Grandfather. My kids have never been put down by me and I have always encouraged them to follow their dreams......even when I didn't agree with them.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

In 1989 I have to step in and take care of my Mother when it was discovered that she had advanced colon cancer. My brothers couldnt take of Mom, she would have been Mortified if one of her Son's had to lift her into a potty-chair, or change herundergarments, and to a Cherokee woman, that would have been the Ultimate in humiliation.

My older half-sister, (The Miss Perfect-not a hair out of place-religious zealot that she is) took care of Mom til I could get the 125 miles down there. She lasted about a week, thats all she could stomach. She couldnt handle having to take care of Mom's personal hygene needs, being by her side when Mom had radiation, and dealing with my little sister that has Down's Syndrom. My older half-sister is a prissy-assed wuss to begin with..there, I've said and feel Much better...lol.
I had to practically quit my job, but taking care of my Mother was more important to me then that. My then husband had to take care of the kids while I was away, work a full time job, and run a household. Something he had never done before.

I came to take care of her and my little sis so my other sister could go back to MO to be with her home and church. It "Hurt her too much to see Mom in this condition, and I was always the strong, unemotional one" anyway....*Rolling eyes*
She figured because I had worked in a VA hospital in the Amputee ward that nothing touched me...

I cooked for Mom every day and spoiled her Rotten(a termendous joy for me as I adored cooking for her Anyway) and cooked "Real food" not the box shit my sister was used to. I had to change her when accidents happened, and changed her bed everyday. I also did the things out of love for her that my Sister Wouldnt do.:rolleyes:
I bathed her, lotioned her from head to toe, shampooed her hair, and made it seem like a day at a spa for her...she Loved it. It was like raising a child all over again even tho she was 74, but I would have not missed it for the world.
It was a reversal of fortune, but it was my Mom, and that's all that mattered. :}

Sometimes we wind up taking on the role of the parents for ours, but hey, that's Family. Or at least that's how "I" was raised.
Treasure them with you've got them, Ya'll. That's all I can tell you. ;)
Cat.

[M. Wolfe]

When I was 8, my mum slipped a disk and I had to do everything, but she told me what to do, so it wasn't to hard since I didn't have to think on her behalf.

[Realist]

I moved back home to take care of my 94 year old mother, last year. She was senile and confined to a wheel chair because of crippling arthritis. Even in her state, remnants of her old self shone through. She died in her sleep in May, this year.

In her younger life, she was dogmatic about religion and morals. (as she saw them) She was very opinionated and her opinions were the only ones that mattered. Both of my parents worked hard and my sister and I were both brought up to do the same. There was always something that had to be done and work was like an end to itself. There was no time to sit and reflect, no tender moments, or a shoulder to lean on. If your ideals didn't correspond with hers, YOU were wrong! Both parents were filled with prejudices that prevented us from meeting and knowing some interesting people.

"Stand on your own two feet and figure life out for yourself" was the family motto. Neither my sister or I ever got that "Birds and Bees" speech. Nothing controversial, especially about sex, or relationships, was ever discussed in this house. Guarding your reputation, keeping away from the "Other races", "Queers", Catholics, beatnicks, and musicians was very important. "Good people" read the Bible, went to church Wednesday nights and all day Sunday, then, work, work, work.............. following her example was how we were raised.

I hope I'm not like that. I care about how others feel, I want to stop and smell the roses. I want to share warm and loving relationships and sit and listen to reflections about life and love. I want to experience life and love and although I do enjoy getting things done, THINGS take a back seat to the real wonders that life offers.

But I do see signs of my parents in me. But, when I find a trait that was in them and me, if it doesn't enhance my life, I try to get rid of it.

I'm not religious, but have a sense of spirituality. I try to accept each person on their own merits, regardless of their color, religious convictions, or background. I like to listen to what others say and not force my opinions and ideals on others. I don't avoid controversy and think you can learn from it, but I'm not one to espouse my opinion at the slightest provocation.

I used to lie, in order to fit into whatever environment I was in, or make myself fit who others thought I should be, but I don't do that anymore. I have found that I've met some of the most interesting people by being totally honest and open about myself. People will accept me for who I really am.........and if they don't, they aren't who I want to be with, anyway!

Yes, we are our parents, in many ways...we can't help but be. But if we want to become true to ourselves, we have to break the connections that aren't us, but are those gained by environment. Keep the good traits, like standing on your own two feet, being responsible for you own actions and working for what you want, then get rid of that which drags you down.

[onewhocares]

Just wanted to appologise for the grammer and spelling errors in the thread above.....must have been the late hour and shear exhaustion of the last couple of days. I know it will get better. THANK YOU ALL for your thoughtful responses. Cat you are a woman after my own heart.......Realist...wonderful response dear man ....Azarel...thank you for the honest comments. By the way..I am Belle...just plain ole....

Belle

[littlerayofsunshine]

This one is a toughie... I am the sum of my parents, and yet not much like them at all. My father was the go-to guy, the Mr. Fixit, the know it all, the disciplinarian, the sexual abuser, the dictator. My mother, absent of heart, inability to love, childlike, neglector, abuser, selfish. I was raped by my brother (He was 12-15, I was 6-9) and beaten and stabbed, and neither of my parents protected me even though they saw the bruises and the wounds and saw that he was keeping me home from school so he could have his way with me. As a child as young as 9 I became mother to my sister. My mom just sort of gave up on life, my parents separated sometime after my mother finally believed I was getting abused by my father ( I was 12). But in her screwed up world, I became the object of blame. She claimed I was flaunting the tits my body was making me grow and god knows I did something to start my own periods and blossom. My mother was always angry and jealous of me. Beating me, having me arrested, sending me away to facilities, by the time I was 15 I had been sent to 5 different facilities in 3 different states. Always to return back to mother when the facilities deemed there were no more funds and nothing left to offer. Where she would leave me without food, cept for cans of corn and green beans, sometimes I was left without power or water. when I was 16 I left home, to the first man that would have me/keep me ( which was something that my mother would do) I will skip a couple years cause it was just more abuse until I left, went to live in a homeless shelter and found my strength and heart in what was a pit of despair. I met my hubby and we went on to have more children, after the birth of my 3rd, my father passed away, my mother's steady child support meal ticket. He didn't have much life insurance, But one of the policies was sent directly to my mom on my sisters behalf because it had to be, the other I was able to get the company to put it in a trust for my sister so my mom couldn't get her hands on it, and it infuriated my mom, and my mom being the oh so gentle loving woman that she was called me late one night, goes I am done with your sister you take her or she's out on the street, me being 1200 or so miles away, flew my sister up to live with us cause I didn't want her to suffer the facilities and homelessness that I had. My sister was 15 at the time and I was 24 with 3 kids and a hubby in a two bedroom apt. But I took her and raised her and loved her as my own. I always knew she was so like my mother, petty lies, angry with me all the time. But I got her through high school, into college which she just grad with her associates and supported her till she got a job, once she got the job, she decided she didn't need me anymore and decided to argue me and left and I have only spoken to her once since it has been 10 months. I have lost my childhood family, the only family I have is the one I created. They are my prized magnum opus.

So out of all the hate, rage and abuse. I gained the ability to love unconditionally, care deeply, support till I am exhausted, I am the Go-to girl, the Mrs. Fixit, I am the safe haven, the rescuer, the mother I never had. The bitter thing is I never learned how to mother myself.

So Belle, While even though the headache is real, maybe a little headache is better with love, Than a heartache without.

[Realist]

Whoa, my parents seem like angels, compared to yours, Little Ray! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. From where I stand, though, you seem to be a wonderful, articulate lady. It is possible to rise above all that, you appear to be proof of that!

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Little Ray, I understand you completely. You notice I didnt speak of my Father...theres a reason for that. My happiest times in the world was when he was off on one of his "Traveling Trips" and was gone for months at a time, leaving Mom to cope with everything.

My Mom was hard working, trying to raise 5 kids before she even married my Father, then we girls came along and she had to endure losing one of us, my twin, when we were 5 and having a Down's Syndrom child in the onset of her menopause. She worked hard to keep us kids in food and clothing and was always happy for what ever we had, or I should say what Little we had. She was a fantastic woman, even through the abuse he put her thru. And what he put us kids through......
I was dumb founded when she cried so hard the day we buried him. I asked "Why would someone be so distraught over losing someone that abused them?" The answer? Love. Even tho that bastard put all of us through hell, she still loved him. That was her way. I still shake my head over that, but admire her even more for her commitment and dedication.

I thankfully didnt get much from my Father, outside of his selling ability and chrisima with people outside of his family. I Did get his business sense. Thank fully I didnt get his temper and hateful drinking ways....
I prefer to be like my Mother: Loving, caring, friendly, playful, and out-going. Kind and patiant.
I know you went thru hell too, but you came out of it just fine, as did I, and we both learned how to be US and how to not be like Them.
Keep up the excellent work Babygirl, and continue on being You.
Biiiggg Hugs
Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Thank you Az, but my boobs are much bigger...*Snicker*
Peck to you cheek Sugar. ;)

[littlerayofsunshine]

Cat,


Out of all of the paths laid before us, all the wrong directions we could have followed. Our hearts never lead us astray. A beautiful thing.


Thank you for sharing Cat.


Big Hugs and boobie squishes.


and to the fellas.... Thank you

[onewhocares]

This one's mostly for Cherokee Mountaincat

http://www.corrupt.org/columns/alex_birch/i_call_for_a_cooking_revolution

Muy Spectacular, eh?

Oh dear Azarel...your article is right on the money. While I am a caterer, and make money at it...NOT to pay my mortgage...I have a "real" job for that, I do it to keep my daughter in dance school and art school, I do love what I do. In the kitchen I feel a sense of exhilaration and excitement when I look into the refrigerator and cabinets and can create something which others can enjoy and delight in. I agree with the article that says a little time or tweaking can indeed change a recipe beyond belief.

While I would never place myself in the class of our dear Cat...but I am sure...she can bring home the bacon...fry it up in a pan...and I am W O M A N....hear me roar.

Cat...my boobies are bigger too!

Belle

[csrakate]

Wow Lil' Ray...I always knew you were special and a lovely person to know, but I had no idea of your troubled past. You've done a marvelous job of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and going on to live a happy and fulfilled life. You are a shining example to everyone that it can be done! I'm in awe!

Hugs!
Kate

[littlerayofsunshine]

Kate,


You just don't know how much what you said means to me. Specially coming from a woman I admire. Thank you so very much.



(((((Hugs)))))

[texasman6172003]

Well Ray, When and if the time ever comes that they come too meet you at the Pearly Gates hon,and he say's ,im sorry Ray you won't be going too the promised land,you can tell him sorry im am goin,because you have allready done your time in Purgatory here on Earth.... Ray you have my utmost respect my friend....

[quiet1fornow]

belle,

I am a product of them and I attribute characteristics to them individually and combined. I find myself emulating them at times identically, as well as sometimes with my own "twist" if you will.

I am not one to offer a non-modest or humble assessment of me to myself or anyone for that matter. However, that being said I believe myself to be a great Father. I attribute that to my Dad. I simply made a promise to do almost everything the opposite of how he parented and it worked damn well.

Conversely, I also attribute to him my work ethic and even though he broke this rule, he ingrained in me this: "the one thing that only you can tarnish is your word!" Again, I have lived and taught not by example more from the observation of results.

I am if either one of my parents my Mother! I am much more open minded and accepting. I do not have her strength of Faith. She taught us two majors rules to live by and guide us. One, the original "Golden Rule." I say original as it seems many now have modified it to be do to others before they do to you....has a different ending in most cases! :-) The second is : things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to." This is not to be taken as I have no control over my fate more the worry side of day to day stress.

As you know three + years ago a horrible trauma beset me and my family. As you also know the darkness has intensely brightened. It is my Mother and her rules that gave me strength....even though she has not been with me for over 13+ years!

I may have strayed some but all of this to say that we do not necessarily become our parents we become the "next level" of them, if you will. I think we learn from them and we modify their paths and passions for us and theirs as well. If we do well we enhance their having been here if we do not we do not tarnish their lives, only our own!

I have always taught my daughter to prize the older members of our family they are a treasure; they carry wealth we all benefit from if we look for it. My Father and I were not close. I did not become him I became what I always wished he had been to me. I did not become my Mother I did become the person she desired and I hope I have polished her image by my actions and life.

I did not get the opportunity to care much for my Mother she passed early and quickly. I did not care for my Father as we had understood from years ago we were not meant to be close we understood our love; it was present we just were not able to pass through the pain of the salt in the wound emotions we had for each other. My largest fear for my daughter is she bear the burden of caring for me at some point....for she is an only.

I watch her in amazement! She has not become me or her Mother ....she has become in her own way a magnificent individual that resembles her Mother and Father: she too has modified and added on to go to the next level....what pleasure to witness and admire!

I have probably gotten off track beyond here...what was the question?? What the hell am I writing?? Oh and my Dad judged jobs by number of cases of beer required to complete ....I just consider time needed!

:cool:

[Herbwoman39]

When my parents divorced a few years ago, I knew that eventually the care of my Mom would fall to me. Unless she re-marries. So far she's managing to care for herself, her dogs and the sheep just fine. She's disabled (motorcycle accident, cancer survivor, diabetic, etc,etc,etc) so she does everything more slowly.

The divorce was extremely hard on her and she didn't have anyone else to talk to. So I got to be the sounding board. Because she unloaded things that no daughter should ever have to hear about her father, I had to tell her that I just couldn't talk to her if she was going to talk about my Dad.

On the other hand, when she had her motorcycle accident, the doctors told her she would never walk again. She basically told them "Screw that! Watch me!" And she took her first steps for me when I was 10 years old.

My father and I have a complicated relationship. I accept him for who he is because he is, in the end, just a human being. He went through so much between the motorcycle accident and Mom's cancer. He's been there for me and supported me when I really needed support.

We don't talk often. I think he thinks that I'm still upset that he married his girlfriend without telling me beforehand. He's right. I'm not upset about the actual marriage. He deserves to be happy because goodness knows he and Mom weren't happy for a LONG time. I'm UPSET because he didn't tell me and I had to find out from my Mom, who refers to her as my Dad's "cheating girlfriend" and refuses to acknowledge their marriage...even though they were miserable from the time I was little (I'm 42 now).

What this long, rambling diatribe boils down to is that our parents are only human. They do the best they know how. Sometimes that's not really that great. Other times it's an incredible example of human fortitude.

As their children we learn from their example. And as adults we can choose what parts to emulate and what to reject because we are our own individual selves.

In short:Yes. and No. You are an individual AND a product of your parents. As are we all :-)

You're going to be just fine hon. :-)

[onewhocares]

I may have strayed some but all of this to say that we do not necessarily become our parents we become the "next level" of them, if you will. I think we learn from them and we modify their paths and passions for us and theirs as well. If we do well we enhance their having been here if we do not we do not tarnish their lives, only our own!

I watch her in amazement! She has not become me or her Mother ....she has become in her own way a magnificent individual that resembles her Mother and Father: she too has modified and added on to go to the next level....what pleasure to witness and admire!



Quiet,

Your word touch my heart and most often reflect my own thoughts and feeling in a way which I could only dream to express. Most times when I post my head is filled with so many thoughts that it is hard to express in a clear, concise and thought prevoking manner. Forgive me when that happens.

I think your reflection of your parents is most vivid. I feel that we are an emalgumation of both parents, be they positive or negative. Hopefully we present a version that they can be proud of. While I have respect and admiration for my parents, mom is under the weather at the moment and much of my time has recently been focused on her. My dad passed away five years ago suddenly, I feel my obligation is to be there for parents as they were there for us as.

Like you I think my greatest asset in life is my daughter..SHE is the amazing one...so much of her dad and I but a whole new independent and interesting person...much more than I could ever imagine. She was given good examples from her parents and grandparents and is forging her own life. Like your daughter, she is an only child and I worry that she too will face the burden of taking care of us. Nah...I want to drop dead with a martini in one hand and cause no one any concern.

Life does throw challenges in our way...and how we handle them is a reflection of the stamina and resolve we have. Little Ray is certainly testament to that. Cat and Realist reflect their mindful actions and thoughts in a wise manner also.

Belle