My dad...

[M. Wolfe]

A few weeks ago I did something that I'm now thinking may have been a bad idea. I sent him an email that explained among other things that I'm bi.

Dad travelled to Aus before the end of last year. Since then we have had little contact, mainly in the form of txt and now email.

I've never really known dad or been close to him but I spent much time with him last year and the year before - I lived and worked with him.

But anyway, a lot happened at the end of last year, I de-converted from Christianity, acknowledged my bisexuality, came out to my friends & mum and generally changed.
Dad missed all of that and so since then I wanted to re-establish contact with him and work up a dialogue good enough to give me the opportunity to tell him this stuff.

Well eventually (a few weeks ago) I sent him a response email where I found myself detailing the changes. I don't know but maybe between hearing me no longer following his face and that I was bisexual now, he may of reacted badly. Suffice it to say that I've not heard back from him. Although I knew he would be able to reply immediately 2+ weeks is way too long.

I don't know what to think about the situation - my cynical brain tells me I shouldn't care he's was never a real father anyway but I still care some.


What do you think I should do, if anything?

[12voltman59]

For now---let it go and let him have his space on it--but at some point--you will need to have a heart-to-heart about this.

[M. Wolfe]

For now---let it go and let him have his space on it--but at some point--you will need to have a heart-to-heart about this.

You think I will "need" an h2h on this? Part of me thinks that the only reason I'd ever see dad again is if I actually decide to chase this Australian tail back to his country where dad is.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need to learn to proof-read better. Here is that paragraph (now uneditable) again.

Well eventually (a few weeks ago) I sent him a response email where I found myself detailing the changes. I don't know but maybe between hearing me no longer following his faith and that I was bisexual now, he may of reacted badly. Suffice it to say that I've not heard back from him. Although I knew he would be able to reply immediately 2+ weeks is way too long.



.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Honey, why should your sexuality be of any concern to hin anyway? What goes on behind closed doors shouldnt be any of anyones business but yours anyway. Dad is probably trying to ake it all in, the religion and the bi thing, and digest it all. Give him time. He'll come to his own decisions eventually. :}
Hugzz
Cat

[M. Wolfe]

Sure that'd fine but I'd like to hear from him either way.
I'd just be happy if he rung me up to inform me that I'm confused and going through a phase and to get back to youth group - That I could handle.

but thanks for the encouragement.

[_Joe_]

He may need time to deal with it, he's playing through all those years raising you maybe asking himself what he did wrong, instead of just accepting thats the way you are instantly.

[M. Wolfe]

He may need time to deal with it, he's playing through all those years raising you maybe asking himself what he did wrong, instead of just accepting thats the way you are instantly.

He didn't raise me. He was gone when I was 6 (not around much before then) and then I barely ever saw him till I was 15.

[_Joe_]

ah well. Would suck as he sees this as a way to stop feeling guilty he wasnt there and sever ties :/

[M. Wolfe]

ah well. Would suck as he sees this as a way to stop feeling guilty he wasnt there and sever ties :/

That's what concerns me.

[DiamondDog]

Honey, why should your sexuality be of any concern to hin anyway? What goes on behind closed doors shouldnt be any of anyones business but yours anyway. Dad is probably trying to ake it all in, the religion and the bi thing, and digest it all. Give him time. He'll come to his own decisions eventually. :}
Hugzz
Cat

Attitudes like this are old fashioned, pointless, and for the paranoid.

They are also the reason why some gay and straight people do not understand bisexuality, think that bisexuality is rare or does not exist, and why people feel that they should never come out to their friends or family and just wind up staying isolated and alone.

M-You should try to call or email him if you can. Or just send him an email asking how he is and wait for a reply. Do you have his postal address? You could always write him a letter. Does he have contact with your mom at all or other family members or just you?

[M. Wolfe]

M-You should try to call or email him if you can. Or just send him an email asking how he is and wait for a reply. Do you have his postal address? You could always write him a letter. Does he have contact with your mom at all or other family members or just you?

I'd don't think he'd pick up the phone if I called him - there is obviously some issue with this stuff - so I'll send him an email asking why I haven't heard from him. My instinct is to play the naive card.

[M. Wolfe]

I found the original email I sent. These are the paragraphs in question.


One last thing before I go. Of all the changes that have happened, the
most important that I should tell you about is that at the end of last
year I became atheist-agnostic. I had done some research on the
history of Christianity and at the end of it all I stepped back to
look at my faith and thought "this is just stupid." In the end I
realised that I had no real reason to believe that a God exists but I
can't know so here I am, atheist-agnostic.

This last one thing is something I've been quietly dealing with for
many years now and wasn't planning on telling you about, at least not
yet but I find myself typing it anyway. I've told my friends this, and
mum because I trust them with my issues. I came to the realisation
last year that I'm not heterosexual, but at the same time I'm not gay
(thank god), it turns out that I'm bisexual - I don't think there is
much more I can add to that at this time.



Then I sent this a few days ago.


What's happening. I haven't heard from ya in a while.

Still haven't heard back from him.

[Doggie_Wood]

M - continue sending him emails every now and then for say 3-6 months.
Although you don't think he would answer a direct phone call from you, you'll never actually know until you make that phone call.
If he doesn't answer, try again at a different time (he might not be home).
If he does answer, have a chat with him. If he hangs up, the ball is in your court on what to do next. But whatever you deside to do, think it through first and make damn sure of your desission. :2cents:

Doggie :doggie:

[artsy girl]

well i can totally understand your scenario. I also come from a background where my dad deserted me at birth.. and i didn't see him again till I actually tracked him down several years later. After quite a few years of talking and meeting several times ( he lives quite far )... and a dna test we now have a relationship.. which may not be typical to most peoples father daughter relationship.

I also come from a background of being a very devout christian and turning away from it.. so i understand some of your concerns. I think personally he's probably really struggling with the faith thing ( your dad) It's probably a lot to take in right now for him.. first of all that your not into god at all now..(especially if he is) second of all.. your bisexual... he may going through a lot of feelings right now.. disapointment..etc.

I think you worded the email just fine.. there's really nothing else you can do.. besides giving him space right now.. and also letting him know that you care about him... and your still the same person inside.

I've told several people in my life.. some friends that are close.. a few people at work.. and my own dad. Most took it very well... some had several stupide questions.. the one girl at work.. it took her a few weeks of kinda keeping her distance from me. My dad took it pretty good.. he's a very supportive person in general (considering he wasen't there all my life) I told him over the phone.. he thought i was joking at first than he had a few questions.
It doesn't really change anything for me per say.. i'm still married and have children.. but it was important for people close to me.. to know who i really am..i'm bisexual.. i like girls a lot ... i check out girls all the time.. and sometimes i may even act masculine.
it was very liberating for peole to know.. and it makes me feel comfortable about who i am..

anyways... m.wolf.. i think if you really care about the relatinship with your dad...you have to give him space and time to process everything you've given him... it is a lot of information at once.

Than slowly you can let him know.. hey i'm concerned why you haven't written back yet... i don't want this to affect our relationship.. that sort of thing.. be honest.
It is one of things that some people will not accept as well as others will.

You can also let him know... this is something i wanted you to know cause it's part of who i am now.. and i don't want to be somebody different or lie to you. I don't think you should sever the relationship yet.. give it time.
if he's a caring and accepting person.. he will come back to the relationship.

That's all my :2cents: hope any of that info helps... marriedartsygirl

[M. Wolfe]

You can also let him know... this is something i wanted you to know cause it's part of who i am now.. and i don't want to be somebody different or lie to you. I don't think you should sever the relationship yet.. give it time.
if he's a caring and accepting person.. he will come back to the relationship.

That's the point isn't it. I told my friends because I find that being bi explains why I can sometimes be the way I am, as if it's an intrinsic part of me. My friends understood me better after that as well.

One thing that I think caught dad off guard was how much more assertive I was after de-converting, I became a lot less inhibited. I thought he was a caring and accepting person but now I'm not so sure. I don't think he ever expressed his views on homosexuality so there may be a whole facet that I'm missing here.

As far as his faith goes, he wasn't particularly devout in the traditional sense - he was very anti-church in favour of the more personal faithlife but he had beliefs and he knew the bible inside and out.


The dilemma I'm having is that I'm not sure if I want to even bother with this. As I said, there is a boy I'm getting to know and if I decide to follow him to aus then that's the only way I'd probably ever see dad again.

[12voltman59]

However it goes--good luck with the situation.

[diB4u]

I actuarly agree with Doggy on this one, you can only try so much and then if the other person cant be bothered to try then its not your fault.

You said that your dad wasnt the primary care giver for you when you was a child, and maybe, just maybe your dad has his own issues connected with that as well as this new found reverlation.

Are you sure that he defo got the email?

And as another poster has mentioned before- hand write a letter.

But the syncial part in me needs to say that was it really that important to tell an absent father that your bi? You stated that he hasnt really been around, so, after a whle of trying just put it down to experience and try and move on with your life.

[vittoria]

This may not count in your case, but here's a song I recall from when I was a kid (watching reruns of the Donna Reed Show) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJxV_ObpO2k

[TaylorMade]

If it helps I've ------------->been there, done that. (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3524)

*Taylor*

[M. Wolfe]

If it helps I've ------------->been there, done that. (http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3524)

*Taylor*

Well yours went down a little differently. This may be the end of my relationship with my dad - I have no idea how he was gunna react.

[MissyMissy]

sometimes people are shocked because they see you in a ifferent way than you see yourself.
give it time.
i wait forever and a day it seems.
i hope you do well.
God loves you no matter who you are or what you do as long as you dont seriously hurt someone to cause great pain.
God was here before books.
one thing stands TRUE though..
Love One Another

even if you have hissy fits and say you hate everything at times
we all need to vent

[Papelucho]

My advice would be to just do nothing, and the right action will present itself. It might be on his end, or on yours. You can't tell what he's thinking, so it's a mistake to speculate. Just be patient.

[artsy girl]

I didn't put this through right so i'm doing it again ugh!...

Anyways m. wolf...you said you emailed him is that right?

Maybe you need to talk to him on the phone or face to face.. sounds like you guys need a heart to heart.

I was in a similar scenario about 2 years ago. I phoned my dad.. and our relatinship had been really distant at the time.. and i told him was frustrated and felt like just cutting off the relationship between him and I..

I was definitly ready to at the time.. i was really frustrated cause he had been really distant with me..
but I was totally honest and just told hime everything on my heart. We told each other some of the things we had both been feeling hurt and angry about.
A lot of it revolved around issues from the past.. we had some other issues..he didn't think i was really his biological daughter.. stuff like that.
I was definitly angry at him for a long time over this and hurt cause he wasen't around all my life. he disapeared when i was a baby.

Anyways.. after we let go and were just honest.. we really started to move on and repair the relationship.. it was really good. I also told him what i needed out of the relationshp..i needed to get to know him more.. i needed a supportive father role once in a while.. i needed someone to call dad...
It took us a while to get to the point that i could call him dad.

Anyways..the point i'm getting at is this.. maybe.. there's more on your heart you need to tell him.. besides the whole bi thing.. something tells me there's more issues there.

before you totally cut the relationship.. give him a chance.. but be blunt too.
it's your decision of course and i hope it all works out... please let me know.. how things go either way.

i know what you mean about being more assertive though.. maybe we all hit a point in our lives where we just need to be more blunt in our lives.. especially when you have messed up parents. At least for me anyways.

married artsy girl

[M. Wolfe]

Thank you artsygirl, you've given me some things to think about. I guess in the end I don't want to talk to him face to face or over the phone - he's very articulate and quick witted, manipulation is in his nature. Through email and postmail I can put all I want to say in the way I want to communicate it.

I think that dad will have a harder time with me now that I'm not at all impressionable. And yes, there is more history and past issues that I've left out like the ex-step mum and my half sister (she and I share dad as a biological father). She's 7, I'm 20, I've known her for less than a year from last year and I don't particularly want to have anything to do with her and I don't know if I should feel bad about it, I don't exactly owe her anything, we aren't really family.

There are some other things to but it's making it hard for me to know that staying in contact with dad is worth the trouble.

[artsy girl]

Trust me your only 20 right now.. but a few years down the road.. your gonna get married.. you'll probably have kids...having a dad around becomes something more important as you get older.. even though it seems like it shouldn't.

I'm 34.. and i didn't meet my dad till I was 20.. that was akward.
I know about the sibling thing too.... my dad has 4 other children .. all ranging in age.. 20... 18... 9... and 10.. I think.

It's very strang at 34 to bond with a half sibling who's 9...and it does feel a little weird sometimes.

But once I had children.. i really realized how much i needed to let go of my hurt feelings cause.. my children deserved to have a grandfather .
once my kids get much older.. i'll probably tell them the whole story.

M.wolf.. it's very undertantable at 20 that your changing who you are.. your coming into your own person as an adult.. and it may feel like you dont' need a dad right now.. especially when he wasen't around. I felt this way for a long long time..but when i thought about how many moments my dad missed out on.. it hurt a lot.
It took me a long time to get to a point where I realized you always need a dad in your life. Ironically enough... my dad is ten times more supportive now.. than my mom is. Anyways this is a lot of really personal emotional stuff on here.. so i'm glad nobody knows who i really am.

It's tough stuff.. but you'll get through it.. and if it's easier to write to your dad.. than it's probably the best way.

marriedartsygirl