Does everybody love us????

[PeterH]

Of course it's the wry joke made about us: being bi means that everybody loves you. But, might there be a grain of truth in it????

I am thinking that what makes me (and other people) bi is that we have some sexual behaviours / qualities that are normally considered to belong to the opposite sex. I like to be hit on, for example, rather than do the hitting myself. If that is true, than I, as a man, show some feminine behaviour, that should, in principle, attract straight men towards me, as well as lesbian women. My male characteristics would of course be attractive to straight women and gay men. So that should mean that everybody loves me :bounce: !!!!
Except, of course that esp guys who see themselves as totally straight (go to the gym 3 times a week so they look very masculine, do group sports after which they take showers with other guys, .... you get the idea) would find that absolutely threatening ( :eek: I'm attracted to this guy, so I must be gay, help!!!), and that might reduce the love 'a little'.
Do you feel this might be true? Or have you had experiences along these lines??

[JohnnyV]

I think if everyone loves you, it's because you're a great guy more than anything else.

Also, one problem is that modern societies have tended to define "love" much too broadly, so we're brought up to expect to find sex, love, social support, domestic foundations, friendships, conversation, and everything else, in one person and ergo, in only one gender. That's a lot to expect and I don't think it works. One of the reasons why I think a functionally bisexual society would be much healthier.

Love,
J

[PeterH]

I get your point Johnny, but I was of course referring to attraction, not the love felt between friends or family members. I agree that it is irrealistic to search for all the loves with just one person. It simply won't work. But most people feel there attraction go to one gender alone. That we are slightly different in that does not take that away.
I'd be interested in your comments on the attraction bit.
I was thinking about it, and i think I actually experienced that a straight guy felt attracted to me and was very confused about that. I think it is because my behaviour is partly feminine and he felt drawn to that.

[Chaia]

Peter, I used to think that everyone must be like me, attracted to both genders but just not admitting it. I don't think that is true anymore. I do agree that many people who call themselves either straight or gay have some degree of "bisexualness" to them. However, I do know some people who are really and truly just straight or just gay. They have only ever been sexually attracted to one gender. In order to have the Kinsey scale, you have to have the extreme ends of the scale as well. Many bisexuals feel that they are not attracted to someone because of their gender, but because of who the person is. So, by that rule of attraction, a bisexual wouldn't really be loved by everyone, just those people, male or female, who find their kind of person to be sexually attractive.
Chaia

[innaminka]

So, by that rule of attraction, a bisexual wouldn't really be loved by everyone, just those people, male or female, who find their kind of person to be sexually attractive.
Chaia

Said it in a nutshell.

Just because I'm bi doesn't mean that any of the rules have changed. Attraction per se is a one on one experience.
Mostly its a hetero situation, for a lesser number, its gay.

Attraction comes from looking, flirting, communication and visual triggers between individuals, I am not attractive to a largish number of men as they aren't to me - even more with women. As it always should be and will be.

[PeterH]

Thank you all for replying to this thread, you all give interesting viewpoints.
Unfortunately, I feel you completely miss the point I was trying to make. I think I wasn't clear enough, so I'll try to make my point more clear:
I'm not saying that everybody loves me. I was saying that there might be a tiny grain of truth in this wry expression. The tiny grain being that some otherwise straight people might feel attracted to us, being of their gender, because we are bisexual. I seem to remember that it once happened to me, that a straight man felt attracted to me.

I feel that I am bisexual because I feel and behave a bit like a woman in some ways. Because I behave like a woman in some ways, I might be attractive to some otherwise straight men. They feel attracted to my feminine behaviour.For the same reason, I might also be a bit attractive to some lesbians as well.

You might disagree with me that the reason you are bisexual, is because you incorporate some characteristics of the opposite sex in your character. You might feel that this is simply not the case. that's fine. I feel it is true for me.
I was just telling my sister about being bisexual today and when I explained it in the terms of showing some feminine behaviour she said it made absolute sense to her (she knows me quite well of course).
So it seems to work like that for me. Does it work like that for you?? And if so, have you ever noticed the side-effects I mentioned?

[ambi53mm]

I feel that I am bisexual because I feel and behave a bit like a woman in some ways. Because I behave like a woman in some ways, I might be attractive to some otherwise straight men. They feel attracted to my feminine behaviour.For the same reason, I might also be a bit attractive to some lesbians as well.



Peter,
I think I understand what you're saying but it would help me if you could clarify what you deem as feminine behavior. Behavior aside do you think your physical characteristics (body type) also play a part in determining how you percieve yourself as feminine.?

Ambi

[PeterH]

Hi Ambi, thank you for your input.
I don't think my body type affects how I see myself, though I must admit that I am slender and have a soft skin. I also have a high voice, which makes people perceive me as female on the phone at times. But neither make me feel feminine. Actually, being called miss or mrs on the phone makes me feel very uncomfortable.
I think the bits I perceive as feminine are for a part difficult to define, parts of it are unconscious as well. But to name some examples: I pay much attention to the way I dress and tend to like soft fabrics. I find relationships very important. Also some people have commented on gestures I make. I think. In feeling: I prefer to be kissed and be asked out.
Well, I think I've revealed more than enough about myself now :)!
Also, to be clear, I am not saying I feel like a woman. I'm saying that, looking at it objectively, some of the things I feel and do are seen as (stereo-)typically feminine, some more so than others.
I hope this clarifies things a bit, Nicky... I mean: Peter :bigrin:

[ddbmma]

This is a funny thread. From experience, not everyone loves bi people. It gets plainly obvious, when as a bi guy you mention being married, and watch guys scurry away. Of course that may have to do with being a 'guy' too.

"Oh wow he posts!" Well, I really did not want to, but figured I would put in my half a cent. I find that I scare gay men on the internet, hetro women flock. Sorry, nothing personal, I have a good lady and really no interest in other women, thanks.

Don't get me wrong, I'll flirt and have a good time with anyone. I'm just not too bothered over anyone. See, I figure if someone feels a need to run away from me, then it is probably in their best interests to do so anyway.

"Wow! He sounds like a psychotic axe murder." Yes, I can break axes while splitting firewood very readily. It is not something noble, for I would rather be splitting firewood than lamenting over a dead axe. But yes I can murder axes, and kill ceral, too.

I've a quite morbid sense of humor and write. Go on, ask if I'm sane, double dog dare you. I think we all need a bit of insanity to live. Look at our scary worlds out there. You have to be a nut to hold on to hope after what Socrates says of dinning on it. "Wow! He's also a bit read, astute. Maybe we should find an exit."

Which leaves me back at not everyone loves bi people. In some respects it is humorous to watch people flee after they spend a whopping three minutes getting to know me. "Wait, we have a commerical break. I'll go flag down a passing stranger and ask if they are horny."

Seriously, we fill a void but soon come to understand the void is ourselves. They pick bi people because of a rumor about us being nymphomanic or saytorious. "Let's see can I get my rocks off in three minutes? Maybe if I get hold of a bi person." So, of course they all love us is a valid point of argument if you establish that pretext.

And if you have read this far, please understand most of the above was written with tongue firmly in cheek. I am not sure who's cheek, but that is not pertaining to this post. Again, merely my half cent, hope it helps.

:upside:

[grizzle45]

I've been giving a great deal of thought the subject of bisexuality and gender oreintation. I've noticed that while I'm very butch in appearance, I'm very feminine in the way I relate to others emotionally. I crave communication, cuddling, lots of affection, and like you PeterH, I prefer to be the one asked out, flirted with, and seduced. I even prefer it when my wife is "top".
The role of gender is complex and often misunderstood, oversimplified, or just not acknowledged at all. It's most likely the case that the interaction between one's sexual orientation and gender is very intricate and unquantifiable. However, I think it's one worth looking into.
And I think there may be some merit to the idea that straight men are, perhaps unknowingly, more open or more drawn to a man with a higher feminine or androgynous gender identity. They may find themselves able to talk to the other man they way they find themselves able to talk with a woman. Of course, that's an oversimplification of the complex dynamics that comprise communication, but I think the thought has merit.
:2cents:

[Mimi]

Hi PeterH,

You always bring more topics for us to chew on, don't you? ;) Well, to answer your question from my own personal point of view, no, I don't think "everybody" finds me attractive. Though there was one time that a "straight" woman kept giving me lots and lots of compliments and then said to me, "if we were in a relationship I feel like you'd be the guy and I'd be the girl." :bigrin: Last Halloween I was dressed as Glinda the Good Witch and gay men kept saying hello flirtatiously to me (I guess thinking I was a drag-queen!! :tong: ). So I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes when I'm looking a little more tomboyish straight women will hit on me and when I'm looking ultra-femme then gay men will hit on me. I also had a tomboyish GF who always had "straight" women hitting on her. But sometimes I also think that people are drawn to and feel safe enough to open up with people who seem open-minded.

So I don't know if any of this answers your question, but perhaps you're also just an attractive man in general and people are drawn to that. ;)

[PeterH]

Hi everybody,

it seems that I was finally able to clarify what I meant.
Yes, Mimi, the kind of being hit on by straight women and gay men that you experienced is what I meant. My original question was related to the idea that we would exhibit some masculine and some feminine behaviour, which could, in principle, make us attractive to people of all 'persuasions'.

I thank people for assuming that I'm attractive :) .It was not really something that I claimed to be. To be honest, it's not something I worry about much. After all I only need one (or perhaps two) people to feel attracted to me in the end, and that's doesn't really require a great deal of attractiveness. My question was purely based on curiosity. I suppose I like to chew on things.
Peter

[grizzle45]

I don't get flirted with by either gender. I don't know why. However, when I talk to people I find they open up to me and faciliate intimacy. I've had several of my male friends say that if they were to have sex with a man it would be with me.
I think there is something to what you are suggesting, PeterH, though I'm sure it doesn't apply to all bisexuals. I think it's a myth that bisexuals are going to be more androgynous than homor and hetero sexuals. I think it would be interesting to see the numbers for a study of androgyny among biseuxals.

[bijingles]

I think there is luminous spark in all of us a “Devine light of lights” that is attractive to those who have eyes to see it. As light draws to light, I can choose to acknowledge through a flirtatious advance, comment, or gesture my awareness of that light I perceive in another, regardless of whether it is acknowledged or reciprocated.
I once felt a deep attraction for a gay male friend, not able to hold back my attraction to his personhood. I disclosed my feelings to him and his response was forthright in that he felt an attraction to me however, because of my gender, I was not what he considered sexually attractive.
I suggest that attraction has no gender boundaries. However, it appears that sexual attraction is defined by the boundaries created for our own self-satisfaction and life lessons. I cannot acknowledge what I am not aware of and I cannot experience what I do not acknowledge.
My relationships, of whatever sexual persuasion or gender, interact to compliment each other, creating a dance where one leads, one follows. In my male relationships I prefer to follow, where as in my relationships with women, I prefer to lead. It makes sense that the fem / masc. qualities within each of us would seek out the same or complimentary qualities in another. As a bisexual, I do not consciously choose my instinctive sexual orientation, and I do not think I can gender define in whom I might find an attraction, any more than I can control who is attracted to me.

Thank you for your post it has brought me reason to ponder, and I do like to ponder... :wiggle2:
Bijingles

[ambi53mm]

I think there is luminous spark in all of us a “Devine light of lights” that is attractive to those who have eyes to see it.
Bijingles

I agree that there seems to be an energy emitted whose source comes from either within or without that has a lot to do with attraction. People come and go into our lives everyday. Some we are drawn towards and others are drawn towards us, in ways that seem to extend beyond the physical. For example, looking at the bigger picture of attraction, I’m fascinated by the collection of people from all over the world drawn to this site each for their individual reasons or purposes perhaps, but in the larger sense, the level of attraction to one another that keeps us coming back openly sharing ourselves as much as we do.
I find myself drawn to this community mainly for the exchanges of thought but also the attractions of kindred spirits bonded together in the same struggle both for ourselves and for others drawn to us. I listen to the words and thoughts expressed often without reference to gender or physical attractiveness since many of us have no clue as to how we look physically and feel that energy of attraction in a gender indifferent way. That “luminous spark” in all of us has a way of cutting through all those things that in a physical based world might only be a distraction.
Peter your questions are provocative and refreshing. They have given me much to think and contemplate. The spark within me, is attracted to that spark within you without regard to gender. I would be attracted to that spark no matter your sex or sexual orientation. Sexual attractions are far more complicated and perhaps greatly over-rated LOL.These bodies we inhabit will eventually wither and die, but that spark will burn forever.

Ambi :)