Um, a little privacy please...

[mikey3000]

Firstly, let me say this, "AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!"

Whew! That's better. Now, does anyone else suffer from lack of privacy? Personal time? Personal space?

I'm going nuts. I have no place/time to myself at all. I'm the only guy in a housefull of women, and no one can understand that I need my space. I have someone following me every step I take. Even my wife, whom I love dearly, clings like a bounce dryer sheet. Even if I step outside for a smoke, she is right behind me. The dog (who also is a girl) sits outside the bathroom door and pines for me when I'm doing my business. I am a chaufeur to everyone. I can't even fart in peace, let alone watch porn or J/O. They all get to walk around in their underwear, or naked if they choose, and scratch what ever, where ever and when ever. Geez!!! At least when I was a kid I had my own room wher I could go and hide. Now I got nuthin'. I even thought me comming out as bi, and needing my own special guy time would help curb things a bit. NO SIRREE !! My wife has taken to the idea so much now that she wants to tag along on my escapades. :eek:

How the hech do I find some alone time??? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[fredtyg]

You have my deepest sympathies. I happen to be one of those rare people that has to have a lot of space. I can't stand being around people all the time, no matter who they are.

About the only thing I can suggest is telling the wife, and anyone else intruding on you, is the truth. Tell them you need some space and time to yourself. You can't go on living the way you are. I know I couldn't.

[still_shy]

I agree with Fred. If your wife is understanding enough to accept your bisexuality, then surely she will be receptive to your needing a little space (did that make sense?). Don't underestimate your wife, she may not realize that she, and your housemates, are smothering you. Or, on the other hand, there may be a reason she's clinging so closely to you right now. Do you think there's a chance that deep down, she might be feeling a little insecure about your sexuality and what it could mean to your marriage? As a person who needs a lot of personal space also, I would go crazy without finding a solution. People like us can't function without alone time. I really hope you can find a solution to this problem.

[tenni]

There is the issue of introvert versus extrovert as well to look at. Extroverts are recharged by being with people while introverts need to withdraw to a place of their own by themselves in order to recharge. Introverts are drained and become exhausted if they are bombarded by people at work and at home.

Do you see yourself as an introvert who needs the alone time and place? Does your wife have that need or is she invigorated by having people around her?

I don't know why but a lot of guys need their own personal space (their cave) and I can see that being stronger in a female dominated household. Uh...what about part of the garage? That often becomes a guy's cave. They never make it too pretty or comfortable but might end up with a stereo system and ratty chair out there...even a TV...but never too pretty or finished off, maybe a small space heater but not one that will make it too warm. Keep it a bit messy....never too homey comfy and inviting...keeps the women out...lol

[**Peg**]

I agree with the others Mikey....time to have a family meeting and explain that you need alone time... just that simple IMO. Seeing as how the women have you outnumbered, let THEM figure out how to give you that space :)

conversely, you could offer to do the grocery shopping (*ALONE) or clean the house (make them leave) ; or when they ask what you want for your birthday....A DAY ALONE..

seriously though, short of just out-and-out saying you need more space, I have no idea what I'd do....I live alone and have for years.

good luck !

:2cents:

[mikey3000]

Thanks all for the understanding. It's just that sometimes I get claustrophobic. Almost like I can't breathe.

It's not the bi thing cause this issue has been around for many years, all throughout my marriage. Just some times it's worse than others.

Funny thing is, sometimes I'm an introvert, and others I'm an extrovert. I'm a Gemini after all!!

But you all are right. I had it out with her (gently of course) today just to tell her how I feel about being smothered, and she said that she knows she is clingy and needs to stop it (but after 22 years together, don't know if that's possible anymore). I just have to keep fighting for my space. I just wanted to know if others feel the way I do, about having personal space.

And Tenni, I did have some in the garage once upon a time, but since her sister separated from her husband, my space got taken up by her sister's junk.

Thanks all!!! I'm not weird after all.
:cool:

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Oh I dunno..I think a simple "I love ya'll, but leave me the fuck alone for a bit" might do the trick.
I dearly love people, but once I'm out and about with them for a bit, I'm good..then all I want to do is hermit out and re-juvinate for a while. I like my space to write, work, and listen to My music. Thats why I'm single..I dont think I could handle someone being with me 24/7 again...
Cat:eek:

[tenni]

Two points Mikey
Just because you are an introvert doesn't mean that you are not outgoing and enjoy being with people. If you need to withdraw to relax and recharge then you are an introvert. From what you have posted, you need that space for yourself to recharge. You seem more of an introvert...nothing wrong with that. In fact, look into it a bit more. It is support for asking your sister-in-law to remove her things by such and such a date...say within two months.... Get that garage space back if you have no other space for your own. .:bigrin:



Thanks all for the understanding. It's just that sometimes I get claustrophobic. Almost like I can't breathe.

It's not the bi thing cause this issue has been around for many years, all throughout my marriage. Just some times it's worse than others.

Funny thing is, sometimes I'm an introvert, and others I'm an extrovert. I'm a Gemini after all!!

But you all are right. I had it out with her (gently of course) today just to tell her how I feel about being smothered, and she said that she knows she is clingy and needs to stop it (but after 22 years together, don't know if that's possible anymore). I just have to keep fighting for my space. I just wanted to know if others feel the way I do, about having personal space.

And Tenni, I did have some in the garage once upon a time, but since her sister separated from her husband, my space got taken up by her sister's junk.

Thanks all!!! I'm not weird after all.
:cool:

[happygolucky40]

Spend more time outside of the house before you go home. I know that once I step foot through the bank vault door - I'm locked in. But I agree with the other posters that it never hurts to be honest. I know that when I've had a long day and I'm just not in the mood to have small talk with the wife that I let her know that I just need my space to unwind.

[Billys_gurl]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I love my husband dearly but at times I would LOVE to kick him out for a day or two. Add to that the fact that we have 1 car so everywhere, well almost, I need to go, he takes me. I can't even close the bathroom door! If its not him, my son wants me, or 1 of 3 cats NEEDS to be in with me.

[Doggiestyle]

Well now Mikey. I guess that most guys would say that they would envy your position. But I cannot help but think that it would become un-nerving after a while... SO,,,,Two things that you need to do is #1, purchase / learn to ride a motorcycle, #2, throw your cursed cell phone away. Or at least intentionally leave it at home.

Then you will have lost your connection with home and you will have potentially have the whole world as "your space" :cool:

Works for me. Your friend, :doggie:

[Apleasureseeker]

I know this can be a rough issue, since a lot of women (and men, too, but not usually as much) see a need for privacy as rejection. Tryiung to run away won't work, since, as you've discovered, they'll follow wherever you go. Try being explicit in establishing boundaries for yourself, but suggest that they do the same thing, and after you both get the away-time, come back to gether and share just a little bit of how you used your private itme and suggest that they do, also. point out the benefits of being apart to both of you--when you ocme back together you each have new adventures to share with each other (and to keep for yourself).

I'm also wondering who all these women are. There's your wife, her sister....are there any others? If any of them are romantically linked to either of the girls, it seems to be that you are free to persue your interests, since they're celarly persuing theirs.

Whatever. Worst case scenario: locking doorknobs.

[Realist]

Ah...OK, after reading this I've learned that I'm an extroverted introvert!

Long ago, I understood that I needed time alone to read, think, explore thoughts, etc, etc. I also had two women around me...wife, her cousin.

The cousin was lonely for male companionship and would shadow me 24/7, if I'd let her.

The dog, thankfully, just wanted to hang with me. As long as I was in sight, she was OK and not intrusive at all. (She used to ride with me on my motorcycle, by-the-way!)

But I had my refuge........a room that was MINE! Everything in it was MINE! No frilly curtains, no potpourri, only a TV, book cases, photos of airplanes, hot rods, and an old Snap-On calendar with Vargus girls on it.

Everyone understood that I was not to be disturbed, when I was vegetating inside, unless the house was on fire, the neighbor's daughter was sunbathing nude, or some other severe emergency unfolded!

Once that rule was established, my life, and those who lived with me, became much more palatable. I found myself being more laid-back and relaxed, while rejuvenated by some solitude.

It worked fine for me.

[_Joe_]

Even a shrink will tell you that you NEED a place to call your own. Maybe if you renamed this "private space" to something to convey a place for you to be alone with your thoughts (Happy Place. Calming Zone. Zen-a-tonia) folks get the idea you just need to be alone.

[darkeyes]

Aaaaawwwwww,,,diddums..a' de poo wittle boys feelin hard dun by... innit a shame??? Zif girls nev need space.. me lil heart bleeds...:tong:

[allbimyself]

Aaaaawwwwww,,,diddums..a' de poo wittle boys feelin hard dun by... innit a shame??? Zif girls nev need space.. me lil heart bleeds...:tong:

Fran, you know I love ya and I know you've had your disagreements with mikey, as have I, but your remark was not called for. Apply the tagline you have at the bottom of your posts.

[_Joe_]

Nothing also gives privacy like eating lots and lots of beans. wash it down with coffee.

[darkeyes]

Fran, you know I love ya and I know you've had your disagreements with mikey, as have I, but your remark was not called for. Apply the tagline you have at the bottom of your posts.

*Rolls eyes an sighs*

E's only known me 5 years an still sumtimes 'e cant work out wen me is havin lil bitta fun...:tong:

Nev mind..u not 'lone in that Allbi me luffly so will letya off..;)

[fredtyg]

Since I posted my response yesterday, I've been trying to recall how I regained my privacy from my wife. I am heterosexually married, but very much a loner. I wouldn't use the introvert/extrovert reference. Gregarious vs. Lone Wolf is more like it to me.

My wife is VERY gregarious, so we're 180 degrees apart. She still hangs around me more than I'd like, but not like glue, and she knows I need a lot of time alone. Still, she loves and needs to be around people- as closely as possible- most of the time. I'm the opposite.

It became an unpleasant surprise to me once we were married. Not that I didn't know I was a loner. I knew quite well I preferred to be by (or should I say with) myself most of the time, but I also got lonely. I figured I'd get used to being around someone all the time, just like I thought I'd become straight and dump the homo part of me once I was married.

I didn't, of course.

The first thing I noticed was she seemed to think we should pretty much do everything together. Maybe she got the idea from her parents?

I'd go to brush my teeth in the morning and she'd take that to mean she was supposed to stand next to me and brush her teeth, too. When she first did that, I thought we had a problem. I didn't like it. I don't like people following me around. Never have, and know I never will.

She'd even come and hover around the bathroom while I'd be taking a crap. I HATED THAT! I don't like anybody hanging around when I'm taking a crap. I finally told her I didn't like it and she stopped. That was one where honesty worked well: "Don't be hanging around me when I'm taking a crap. I prefer some privacy, please!".

I also used to lift weights, by myself, of course. At the time I could only lift in the living room- small apartment. She used to sit on the couch knitting and watch me. Finally, I almost lost my temper and abruptly told her, "Stop watching me!!!". It drove me nuts having someone watch my every move. That actually hurt her feelings a bit. I explained that I don't like being stared at and she got over it.

Over the course of 25 years I finally managed to come up with some sense of privacy for myself. She's probably not as fulfilled because of it but she's still here. Yet, I still get annoyed with her being too close, at times. At this point I don't see much point in making an issue out of it. I still have enough space. Just barely.

******
As an aside, I'm not trying to take sides over one type of personality vs. another. I'll admit to being a bit proud that I'm so emotionally independent, but that has its downsides. I'm a lone wolf, to a fault. As the years go by friends tend to go by the wayside from neglect.

Since I do few things with other people, over time, they tend to naturally drift away. I realize I'm probably an extreme case, but after a while you find yourself very alone, too alone, sometimes.

The wife stayed at her parents house for a year about 3 years ago due to illness. I quickly got used to cooking for myself and all and enjoyed the solitude, to some extent. After a while it got kind of weird, though, when I realized that I'd often go up to four days at a time not talking to anyone except maybe for pleasantries with the checker at the local drugstore.

I realized that over the years I'd painted myself into a corner and had effectively become a recluse. I also realized that, if it weren't for the wife, I wouldn't have anyone to talk to at all, for the most part. If she died, every day of the rest of my life might end up like this. It's scary.

Maybe that's why I spend so much time here and write such lengthy comments?

[mikey3000]

Thanks again all. As usual, great advice. The women that I'm talking about are my wife, my daughters, and my mother (who lives with us for health reasons). Even the cat and dog are girls. No, my sister in law doesn't live with us (haleluja!)

I used to be able to fight for my privacy, and would usually get it for a while. Yeah, the wife would be a tad hurt, but then she'd go out with her girl friends, and all would be cool for a long time. But situations have changed and I can no longer "fight" for my privacy. Things have happened to cause more clinginess, and I'm just trying to cope with it. That's all. Nothing earth shattering. Of course I'll manage. But thanks again. I just have to find different ways to speak what I need without stepping on any toes.