Polyfidelity vs. polyamory vs. monogamy vs. ????

[moonoverwater]

Hi all. I'm a bi female who identifies as being the midpoint on the Kinsey scale (equally interested in men and women). I've only known that I was bi for a few years now, and during that time I have tried various relationship types, with mixed results.

Poly open relationship (multiple relationship partners, OK to have sex outside the relationship partners):
Did this once for a few months. I really didn't like the feeling that my partners were always 'on the make' for new partners 24/7... it felt like there was no loyalty of any kind. And the fact that so many other people were involved meant that my partners had very little time for me, which is the main reason I ended it.

Monogamy:
I've only been in one monogamous relationship since knowing that I was bi. Basically, I like monogamy, especially the closeness that comes from only having 2 people in the relationship, and the loyalty. Monogamy would be good, except for the fact that I like both genders. That relationship was with a man, and during that time I had a lot of cravings for women. That kind of led me to the idea that although I know I can be faithful to one person, maybe I can't be happy with one gender forever... maybe I need the opportunity to have both genders to be happy. Which led me to polyfidelity.

Polyfidelity (multiple relationship partners, sex is restricted to the relationship partners):
I did this once for a few months... it didn't work for various reasons, some of of the reasons being 1) it was a married couple trying to fit me into their already-existing life, and 2) I always took last place... I only got to have dates with one of them when the other of them was busy, etc. in other words, I was the low person on the totem pole... never first priority to anyone. and 3) the guy being jealous of the time i spent with his wife, although i was also with him.

Anyway... all of this has kind of left me feeling frustrated and disillusioned about dating. It would be a lot easier to just be straight or gay, but I'm not, and I'm trying to deal with that. I think ultimately a polyfidelity situation would maybe be best, with 1 man and 1 woman where sex was confined within the group, might work out best. But the idea of 'poly' turns me off in general, because most people who use the word 'poly' use it to mean poly open relationships, sleep with whoever, whenever. And poly relationships seem to be so complicated in general.

I guess I am just feeling frustrated because this doesn't make dating easy at all. What relationship types have other bi people found to work? Any thoughts or advice?

[*Lou*]

Sounds a bit like what you are searching for is a triad, with monogamy being practiced between the 3 of you...I wish you the best in your search.

[biblkman]

Try swinging, meet you a guy/girl who is into what your into and the two of you meet a couple who have the same interests, its like dating you may meet a few couples till u get the right fit. And their are couples looking for that one couple. Doing this gives you the benefit of being in a monogamous relationship with your s/o till till the two of you hook up with your couple, in which case you are temporarily not monogamous for the sake of enjoying your bisexuality, its not cheating if you and your s/o are cool with it. It sounds a bit weird but that's my take on it

[tenni]

Hi
I appreciate reading your words. I'm inclined to be poly in a slightly different way than you. I am comfortable being the "secret unknown" one to a married man who is married to a hetero woman (bi women tend to create less of a problem than hetero women unless they are monogomous thinkers). I would prefer to be the only other male partner but I'm fine with him or me being involved with a woman as well... married or otherwise. I expect the same right to be with a woman. I do not know if there is a gender difference as far as to the expectations of such a multi partner approach. I would expect some socializing with the man and if his wife wanted to meet and socialize, I'd be more than happy but if not, that would be fine as well. I would not need to be with them both sexually at the same time but open to evolving in that direction. In other words, the agreement is primarily between myself and another man. There is no primary relationship. There are relationships with women that may be outside of our relationship. I see it more as an intimate friendship. To call it a fuck buddy relationship is to put less significance than what it is. I think that my attitude is most similar to another poster..I think that he calls himself Justin Chad Taylor. Recently, he has had an issue with his separated wife becoming pregnant but he has had a long term relationship with a man as well that is much longer than a relationship with the woman.

As far as a poly relationship with two men who are gay. I am not interested at all. I will not be the "other man" for a gay man in a primary relationship with a man. I am not really interested in having a threesome with two men who are gay. I haven't tried it but might be open to three bisexual men but it may be too much for me to deal with...lol (three men who also have relationships with women)

As far as your comment about where you felt like a third wheel in a married couple situation. It may be that you were not given equal voice and wanted it. If you wanted to spend some time with only one of them, then the married couple should have acknowledged that need. Otherwise, yes I can see how you might have felt used. They sound like primary relationship minded people (really monogomous types) who simply want a "play toy" of a third person to spice up their stale monogomous relationship.

I agree with you that it is a challenge to find the fit. These wacko characters on this site that go on and on about cheating stop a real honest and open discussion for those of us with a poly attitude. They are basically monogomous and not poly because they are constantly referring to a primary relationship. They are prejudice towards poly people.

[Realist]

Polyfidelity worked best for me.

I've never been a swinger, or prone to having anonymous sex with strangers, so loving relationships have been my sole source for intimacy and sensuality.

I've actually experienced what you're searching for and my best advice is to keep looking until you find exactly what you want. It's not easy, as I've tried on other occasions that didn't work out, but (like you) I knew what I needed for me to feel whole. It didn't last forever, because we were in the Military and military folks have to move around, but I garnered enough memories to last me a life time.

Sadly, it only lasted a little less than two years, but what a magnificent relationship it was! I was in my early 20s and the husband and wife I loved were in their late 30s, early 40s. The treated me equally........respectfully, tenderly and passionately...from day one. Not once did jealousy rear it's ugly head, nor did I ever feel that I was the low person on the totem pole.

Later, I entered into another poly relationship, this time with two women, one bi and one mostly gay. That lasted for a little over 2 years. But, that's not what you were interested in. Those were my only two successful polyfidelity relationships.

If that is your desire and you give up trying to find it, you will never know the joy and pleasure it can provide. So, don't give up, when, and if it happens, you will understand why those memories are so precious to me!

Good luck!

[moonoverwater]

Hi
As far as your comment about where you felt like a third wheel in a married couple situation. It may be that you were not given equal voice and wanted it. If you wanted to spend some time with only one of them, then the married couple should have acknowledged that need. Otherwise, yes I can see how you might have felt used. They sound like primary relationship minded people (really monogomous types) who simply want a "play toy" of a third person to spice up their stale monogomous relationship.
I agree with you that it is a challenge to find the fit. These wacko characters on this site that go on and on about cheating stop a real honest and open discussion for those of us with a poly attitude. They are basically monogomous and not poly because they are constantly referring to a primary relationship. They are prejudice towards poly people.

Thanks for your comments. I think the couple I was with made a real effort to be 'equal'... in their minds they were doing equality, but based on the fact that no one was really ever going to be on my side, that they would always choose each other over me, and also the fact that I had to wait to see her until he was busy every time, that I was actively being prioritized lower (despite the fact that he lived with her and I didn't) I guess I felt like no one was making me a priority or treating me as an equal. I think it's like someone else wrote on here in a forum, a lot of married couples say equality, but although the wife may be able to say to the husband, 'can you stop having sex with the 2nd woman for a while' and possibly get agreement, it's not like the 2nd woman in the relationship can say to the husband, 'can you stop having sex with your wife for a while because it bothers me' lol. So I think that the problem centers around, equality in practical terms, as opposed to them thinking they are doing equality.

[moonoverwater]

Sounds a bit like what you are searching for is a triad, with monogamy being practiced between the 3 of you...I wish you the best in your search.

A triad might be OK, or for example, let's say that the person i was with was also bisexual, and had another partner of the gender that i'm not, and i had another partner of the gender that they're not, i think something like that could work out as long as everybody was taking care not to neglect people, etc., and sex was kept to within those people. Or 4 people.. could be OK as long as everyone got along.

[tenni]

Yes I agree with you. I think that it is because they are not really poly but primary relationship and secondary relationship in their attitude. They saw themselves as a couple and not able to see it as a triad. They made an effort to be equal but were focused on their primary relationship. They could not see or think outside the box of traditional coupledom marriage. I've read that this frequently happens when you try to be with a married couple. You were their sex toy..sorry but that is what you were. You do not accept that and it is not for you. It may be for another poly person though.


Thanks for your comments. I think the couple I was with made a real effort to be 'equal'... in their minds they were doing equality, but based on the fact that no one was really ever going to be on my side, that they would always choose each other over me, and also the fact that I had to wait to see her until he was busy every time, that I was actively being prioritized lower (despite the fact that he lived with her and I didn't) I guess I felt like no one was making me a priority or treating me as an equal. I think it's like someone else wrote on here in a forum, a lot of married couples say equality, but although the wife may be able to say to the husband, 'can you stop having sex with the 2nd woman for a while' and possibly get agreement, it's not like the 2nd woman in the relationship can say to the husband, 'can you stop having sex with your wife for a while because it bothers me' lol. So I think that the problem centers around, equality in practical terms, as opposed to them thinking they are doing equality.

[moonoverwater]

Yes I agree with you. I think that it is because they are not really poly but primary relationship and secondary relationship in their attitude. They saw themselves as a couple and not able to see it as a triad. They made an effort to be equal but were focused on their primary relationship. They could not see or think outside the box of traditional coupledom marriage. I've read that this frequently happens when you try to be with a married couple. You were their sex toy..sorry but that is what you were. You do not accept that and it is not for you. It may be for another poly person though.

I guess that's part of the thing that bothers me about the whole poly idea... if I get with another person as a couple, and am trying to do poly, then I am the couple looking for a third person... I know how it is to be that third person. So I guess I would want to avoid those same problems.