All Blog Entries

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]"If the guy was like you, I'd probably not object a whole lot," I said honestly. "The thing is that I learned a long time ago that I can best take care of my needs both ways. Sure, I can get with guys whenever I want to; I wouldn't be here if that wasn't the case. But just being gay? I don't see the benefits of it. It's said that when you're bisexual, you have the best of both worlds and like I said, I've had a lot of experiences that speak toward that."

"But you were with a guy," he said.

"Yes... but even as much as I loved him, it never crossed my mind to leave my wife and kids for him. I wasn't - I couldn't - do that and he understood that I wasn't gonna do that," I said. "Even if I didn't have those responsbilities, to just be with a guy? Just doesn't feel right."

We did each other again but I didn't enjoy it as much as I had in the other moments because my mind was pondering his original question. Back at home, I spent some time trying to look at it from his point of view and it wasn't easy to do; unlike him, I knew what it was like to be into women and trying to create a scenario in my mind where I wasn't, well, I couldn't do it.

After that encounter, it was like I just kept running into gay men who, with or without sex, were insisting that I give up women in favor of just being with men and, frankly, I was getting tired of hearing it. I was getting tired of having sex with them and they'd decide to make their case and then get pissed because I wasn't gonna be totally gay. One guy said I wasn't shit... and I laughed at him and said, "You didn't say that when I had my dick all up in your ass..."

That made him even angrier.
[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]He laughed and said that I should seriously consider being gay and I asked him, "Based on what? I'm not trying to piss you off or put down what we've done so far, but I've felt that just being gay is too... limiting; I don't see how or why - how do they put it? - picking one side and staying on it is of any real benefit."

"I guess you have a point there," he said. "I've never been with a woman so I wouldn't know what that's like."

"I hope you don't expect me to explain it to you," I said with a laugh. "We'd be here for a few years! I get it; some gay men don't know this, don't see the sense in it given where their thoughts and feelings lie. Still, for me to give up women and just be gay just doesn't make any sense to me."

He nodded thoughtfully for a moment and we got into it again... and I got a sense that he was trying to do more than getting me off; it was like he was trying to convince me that being gay would be the best thing for me. Don't get me wrong; he was magnificent, attentive, focused. He had asked if we could fuck and I agreed and he fucked me nicely and when I fucked him, he was really responsive and all that. We lay next to each other on the bed (which was trashed) when he said, "Tell me you woulnd't want this from a guy all of the time."
[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]As the saying goes, if I had a dollar for every time I've heard this question - and in the many forms I've heard it - I'd be rich beyond the dreams of avarice. To the best of my recollection, I think the first time I heard it was, surprisingly, when I was 25 or so. A gay man had gotten my attention, we talked, agreed to get together the next day to blow each other. Nice guy, smart, good sense of humor and, importantly, he wasn't my idea of an asshole. Unlike a lot of gay men I'd run into, he wasn't put off by my being bisexual.

"Whatever works, right?" he had said.

The next day, we meet up at a hotel (a nice one), go to the room he'd gotten and after sitting and talking for a few minutes, we got naked and spent a few more minutes eyeballing each other and exchanging compliments. We got into it, plying our cock sucking skills upon each other until we both came. More compliments and conversation as we relaxed and recharged our batteries. Room service had arrived with something to eat and drink and we wolfed it down, he asked me, "Why aren't you gay?"

I blinked. I'd had people ask me why I went both ways before but I'd never had anyone ask me this question and I wasn't sure how to answer it but I stalled by answering his question with one of my own: "Should I be gay?"

He shrugged and said that I was a really nice guy and he liked how open-minded I was about things. He cited things like how mature I was and that, in his opinion, I'd make any gay man a good boyfriend. He said that he'd had sex with other bi guys and many of them were disappointed with their relationships with women but what he liked about me was I wasn't disappointed by women and their craziness.

"I don't know if this makes any sense but I've always felt that just being gay isn't the way I'm supposed to be," I was finally able to say. "I had an intense relationship with a gay man and we were very much in love with each other but even then, it never crossed my mind to just be gay. Well, that and I like women and pussy too much to just walk away from it."
[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]It didn't explain why my body was achy and especially my stomach muscles but it wasn't unknown to me that you could dream about something and, in the real world, your body could react to whatever you were dreaming about, you know, like dreaming you were in a fight and waking up feeling like you really did get punched in the face.

But this? This was impossible! This was just my very active subconscious messing with me and being an asshole by letting me be awake enough to know it was messing with me... wasn't it? I couldn't explain the taste, couldn't explain the sure feeling that I had nutted, couldn't explain the bits of evidence that said I nutted. And one morning when I stumbled into the bathroom to wash up, I couldn't figure out for the life of me where the white, crusty stuff in my moustache came from... and it wasn't dried up slobber because I really did scrape it onto a finger and tasted it.

I know what my own spunk tastes like... and now I'm freaking out because everything is pointing to me having done something I hadn't been able to do for a whole lot of years. I still haven't figured it out. Yes, I still have the dream at times and it is consistent; I'm just sitting on the side of the bed (for some reason) and each and every time, I just lean over and start blowing myself until I cum, swallow, and lie back down to go to sleep... and waking up with the unmistakeable taste of it in my mouth and, yeah, sometimes, still on my face somewhere. I can't explain it. I don't believe that my subconscious has somehow gotten me to do something that, again, I haven't been able to do for a whole lot of years but I also can't explain the evidence.

Now, I am aware that some people can have sex while they're asleep and not be aware of it, like sleepwalking, but usually, some medications are involved, like sleeping pills (the prescription kind). I know my lady does this because she takes one and I've woken up with her going to town on me in some way - then waking up later and looking at me like I did something to her until I tell her what woke me up and, nope, it really wasn't me, honey. I just know that it's unwise to wake someone up in this state and, ha, I'm no dummy - if she's having sex with me, I'm not gonna stop her!

Maybe this is what's happening to me? That one of the medications I routinely take has a side effect on me? I spent some time looking up all of my meds and, nope - none of them has such an effect listed. So what the fuck is going on? Is this some real deal shit... or just my imagination? I still don't know; I can only tell you that it feels very real whenever I have this dream and I've seen - and tasted - evidence of it... but can I believe it?

I've never believed that dreams mean anything other than my brain just processing shit in its own way while I'm asleep. But this is too vivid; it's one dream that while it's happening, I'm aware that I'm dreaming and I will mention that after one such dream, I woke up sitting on the side of the bed... and my dick was out and feeling rather nice.

Very scary shit and shit I have no logical explanation for... except that somehow and when I'm asleep, I can and have been blowing myself.
[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]For the next two years, instead of jerking myself off, I'd suck myself off instead. I proved to myself that I could do it again and do it easily now. One "bad" moment came when my wife finally caught me; she came home unexpectedly and entered the bedroom just as I was cumming in my mouth and, to make things "worse" for myself, I didn't unfold myself until I had finished swallow my own cum.

But she was cool about it, well, after she got done laughing at me. I was so embarrassed it wasn't funny and it didn't help to watch her laughing so hard she almost peed on herself. But when she stopped laughing and got serious, she said, "I'm surprised you never tried to do that before now. Was it fun?" I wound up telling her how I went about being able to do this to myself, relieved that she wasn't pissed off about it and even laughing with her when she said, "Of course, I can suck your dick better than you can!"

Then she proved she was right - but we both knew she was.

Over time, it got harder and harder to blow myself. I'd been gaining weight, not really exercising as much as I had been and, well, it just became impossible to do and believe me, I tried quite a few times. But now I gotta share something very, very strange with you about this.

I'd say that about a year or so ago, I was having dreams of sucking myself off and while this might not sound strange, what was strange was my waking up with the taste of sperm in my mouth. At first, I chalked it up to my subconscious fucking with me since, in reality, I'd long since known what my sperm tasted like and, yeah, I spent a lot of years sucking myself off so this was just that dream state reminding me, in its own way, of what I already knew and being so vivid that I just thought I was tasting my own sperm. So I waved it off... but the dream kept happening.

Different situations that were blurry - and the fact that I was aware that I was dreaming said a lot to me - but in every instance of the dream, I would be sitting on the side of the bed and I'd just lean over and give myself a blow job, licking and sucking until I came in my mouth. And in every dream, I'd get done, climb back under the covers and go to sleep. It was... disturbing and thats being nice about it. I'd wake up and feel like I had busted a nut; one morning I actually peeked in my underwear and saw some, um, crusty remains and as if I had, indeed, busted a nut. But I chalked that up to just having a wet dream... still didn't explain why I my morning mouth tasted like sperm.


[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Once my family was gone, I began my breathing and stretching ritual as well as calming my mind; I had learned that if I let my eagerness to do this invade my thoughts and that would make me tense up so it wasn't a thing of being able to relax my body - I had to relax my mind... but still be focused on being able to do it and, to be honest, I thought that those two things contradicted themselves and so much that I was going to fail again - but I was still determined.

I got on the bed and folded myself up, breathing and relaxing, my hands literally palming my own ass as my knob passed through my lips; I took a deep breath, relaxed even more, made my mind be still and "shoved" my dick into my mouth... until I felt more of my dick in my mouth than ever before; I now had enough dick in my mouth to blow myself for real. I felt myself tensing up over this exciting moment; willed myself to relax and be calm. Sweat was raining off of me, stinging my eyes but I had to ignore it to stay calm and relaxed as I used my hands on my ass to start fucking my own mouth.

And it worked. Damn it, it fucking worked. I was in a zone and unlike any zone I'd ever been in. It was exhilarating feeling my dick moving in and out of my mouth, to feel my tongue working myself over; it was really kinda stressful to be so excited about finally managing to do this while keeping both mind and body totally chilled out and only thinking about fucking my own mouth. I got lost in the feelings of something so very strange yet so very familiar. I was so zoned out, so focused that when I came, I was totally surprised - I didn't feel it coming like I normally would.

One moment, the world only consisted of my dick moving in and out of my mouth and, the next moment, I was cumming and so hard that I almost choked on my own sperm. It was crazy to feel how strongly my dick was pumping in my mouth; again, it was so very strange yet so very familiar at the same time. I managed to held myself as deep in my mouth as I could, my body shuddering and all that while sucking down my own sperm until my dick started to soften and my body finally said, "You're done - stop or you're gonna regret it!"

I unfolded myself to lie limply on the bed; my pillow arrangement was soaked with sweat as were the sheets beneath me. My whole body ached but, at the same time, felt wonderful and I realized that I was licking my lips and my tongue running around inside my mouth and tasting my own sperm. It was glorious, a hallmark moment in my life to have done what, at first, was something I thought wasn't as possible as it turned out to be.

I'd given myself a blow job! But instead of being over the moon about this accomplishment, the asshole that lives in my head said, and in a rather snarky voice, "Good - now... do it again."

Say what? But I did it! And even as this thought crossed my mind, I knew that it could have been a one of a kind fluke and the only way that I could really prove that I could do it was to do it again. And again. And again.
[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I don't think I'd ever been so focused on anything even when something in my head kept telling me to be happy with what I could do and don't push it. There was a risk I could seriously hurt myself; many years later, I wound up having to have neck surgery to repair some herniated discs in my neck and I thought that my attempts to blow myself led to having to have the surgery done. Maybe. Inconclusive.

So I kept at it, making tiny bits of progress, succeeding in filling my own mouth with my own cum but I [B]knew[/B] I could do it better, get more of myself in to give myself a "real" blow job; I felt there was something I was missing, something I wasn't doing correctly and as I went on about things as usual, I devoted a lot of brain power to figuring it out. It didn't help things to have gotten with a guy with a whopping ten inches and I think I was just coincidence that he showed me that he could suck his own dick... and way easier than I could - but that made sense since he easily had a couple of inches on me and was skinnier and more flexible. My brain "did the math" and all that and wanted to shrug the whole thing off... but that thing that was also in my head telling me that I could do it convinced me to keep trying.

And I still didn't understand why I needed to do this - I just knew I had to. As I was pondering this, it was making me tense and I said aloud to myself, "Just relax..." - and a lightbulb lit up in my head; that was the thing I was missing - I wasn't relaxing enough and not letting gravity do more of the work! So when the wife took the kids out to visit their grandmother the next day, it was time to put the theory to the test and I had the thought that if I couldn't get it done this time, I was going to finally give up and just be happy with what I could do.
[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]Over the next week, I snuck in as many chances to do this as I could and I was going about it in a sneaky way because I didn't want my wife to catch me at it and now I'm trying to explain to her what I was doing and why; it was, at the least, going to be embarrassing. I began some serious stretching exercises as well as figuring out how to breathe while folding myself into a pretzel; I also had to learn how to relax things and stay relaxed and the more I did this, the closer I got to my goal.

I'd gotten to the point where I could lick and kiss the head of my dick while jerking myself off which usually resulted in me cumming but, sometimes, getting more of it on my face than I did in my mouth. Oh... it was frustrating! After each attempt, damn - my whole body ached from the stresses I was putting on it and I wound up taking a break from it because I had managed to lightly pull a muscle in my back which should have told me to stop trying to do this...

It just made me more determined to do it. The weird thing about it was I didn't know why I felt such a great need to do this. I'd found out years ago what my sperm tasted like and I even knew what it tasted like when it oozed out of a girl's pussy - really interesting taste. Obviously, I knew what it was like to suck dick and to be sucked and I began to think that being able to suck your own dick was a "thing" because I'd heard a lot of guys wishing they could do it, which had me wondering if the guys who had much longer cocks were doing it (and lying about not ever thinking about doing it).

I got to the point where I could get my knob into my mouth and close my mouth around it... and it was a very weird sensation to be able to lick and suck on the head of my dick, using the skills I had for sucking dick while experiencing what it felt like when someone was working my dick over. The first time I came like this was amazing and so damned weird; I knew what it was like to have cum shot into my mouth, knew what it was like to shoot cum into someone's mouth - really fucking different to do both things to yourself.

But that wasn't good enough; for some reason, I felt it really wasn't giving myself a blow job since I couldn't get more than the head of my dick in my mouth. Some guys would have been happy, giddy, and satisfied with just being able to get this far - but I wasn't. The one good thing was that after each session, my body wasn't protesting as much as it had been and more so once I figured out the right positioning to make this happen.
[/SIZE][/FONT]