All Blog Entries

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]He also pointed out that one can only be as good at this as is humanly possible and while everyone strives to be good at having sex, eh, sometimes, it just doesn't work like that all of the time. I would be sucking his dick and bothered with thinking that I wasn't doing it right and he'd somehow pick up on what I was thinking, stop me, and ask, "Are you doing the best you can?" - then, when I'd say that I was, he'd say, "Then that's all you can do, isn't it?"

He pointed out that it's always a good thing to want and be able to make sex good for the other person but to never lose sight of the fact that whether they actually liked it or not, did you enjoy having sex? That was a difficult thing to wrap my head around but I understood what he was telling me: If you're not going to do everything you can do to enjoy having sex, why bother at all? That you're either going to make the other person very happy or you aren't and, yes, either they're going to make you happy or they won't and that's just the way it goes.

Taking the good with the bad became a more common sense kind of thing for me and while I knew of a lot of men and women who'd put a lot of stress on themselves about sex being good or bad, it was a major relief for me to not think in those terms so much and it's way too easy to overly criticize yourself after the fact but the truth this kind of mentor to me taught me was that sex - any sex and with anyone - is only bad when you've convinced yourself that it was and being able to understand that not everyone I might have sex with is going to be concerned about whether or not the sex they're providing is good or bad to me... and especially men and, sadly, we're just too well known for making sex a nightmare for someone.

I saw that being bisexual was the thing that drove all of this home for me and even today, I don't think I'd know what I know about this had I not embraced bisexuality and sex as I did. I learned not to beat myself up - or whoever I was having sex with - if things weren't "all that good" because as my somewhat mentor would point out, "Did you have sex?" I give him credit - and a lot of it - because he taught me to pay more attention to what than who... and the what was having sex and that was the lesson I learned that, to this very day, makes good or "bad" sex a non-issue and understanding that when it comes to having sex, everyone has good and bad days at it... and to not let those bad days steal my joy of sex.

"There's always a next time to effect improvements," he'd said to me. "And do yourself a favor by not trying to be something you are unable to be or what someone else wants you to be since, obviously, you can only do what you're able to do and to the best of your abilities, right?" He said that it was okay for me to think that I could have been better or that whoever I had sex with could have done this or that better... but the questions he said I had to be able to answer was did I have sex and did I do the best I could to enjoy it?[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=verdana][SIZE=3]I was more mad at myself than I was at him but in any of this, you always wind up taking the good with the bad and, again, the hardest thing I had to deal with was knowing that, damn it, the sex he had with me was very damned good. It was a huge lesson in not only taking the good with the bad when it came to other guys, it was also very much about taking the good and the bad with myself and accepting some difficult truths.

And all while maintaining a healthy perspective on being able to have sex with males and females and the understanding that, sure, avoiding the bad is always a good thing but it's not always possible; I trusted my instincts without question but even they could be wrong or, yeah, sometimes, they'd be telling me not to and I'd do it anyway, something would happen to make me ask myself, "Why did I think this was a good idea?" and now finding myself thinking if whatever was going on was "bad" enough for me to make it stop or, again, just let it happen. I had reasoned that if I wasn't going to be willing to take the good with the bad, not being willing and able to accept this would make sure that I wasn't going to be having sex with anyone and, for me, not having sex was unthinkable.

Because I had learned that if you allow someone to steal your joy, that's the biggest mistake one can ever make and now it was a matter of not letting the bad moments fuck with me and destroy all of the work I'd put into myself to be and remain as well-adjusted as possible and, believe me, being able to go both ways in this requires a high degree of being well-adjusted and an understanding of what sex is really all about and that shit like our morality and other things really didn't mean a whole lot to some people... and especially to some guys whose only purpose would be to slake their lust upon me and whether it was enjoyable for me or not.

Having sex with anyone comes with what I'd come to call "occupational hazards," those things that, like it or not, are a part of having sex with someone and, importantly, learning whatever there was to be learned from both the good and the bad. It sucked to know that I could make mistakes and other errors in judgement but it was in line with something an older guy taught me as a life lesson: If you never make mistakes, you never learn how to correct them. He taught me that when it comes to sex, don't think in terms of good or bad so much because it's always good to be able to have sex in the first place since - and as he had correctly pointed out - the person you wanted to have sex with can always say no... and now it would be on me to make the best of it the moment as possible... and, sometimes, things can just go south or be deemed, after the fact, to be a mistake.

"If you don't ever make mistakes in this, you will never, ever, learn anything," he had said.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]Or winding up being angry and feeling used and dirty when the better thing to do was to just lie there and be fucked because resisting and/or fighting back could make things even worse. The "problem" I was having wasn't so much running into guys who'd make having sex with them a big "mistake;" it was being able to not let these "mistakes" put a damper on how much I loved having sex and especially in those times where I'd have a guy inside me and he's fucking me like he's lost his mind and, I would think, confusing my asshole with a girl's pussy and thinking that if he could bang the shit out of a girl's cunt, he could do the same thing fucking a guy.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]While avoiding the bad became warranted, I just never knew all of the time if having sex with a guy was going to be good or bad; there were many times when my instincts would scream at me to turn this guy down because, one, I knew he was lying to me about his intentions and, two, he just felt wrong and, even three, his reputation for making sex bad for the other person preceded him and he was very well known to be that guy to be avoided at all costs.

My sexual education wasn't all about learning how to do stuff and learning how to be good at all that I had been learning; a lot of it was also some very eye-opening shit about how guys are when they're horny and their dicks are hard and that the nicest guy could quickly turn into the guy I was now wishing I hadn't said yes to. And then taking on the task of learning from my mistakes and understanding that, sometimes, I couldn't know that it was a mistake until the moment it became one and now it became a matter of whether or not I had to actually defend my "virtue" and employ violence or, yeah, just lie there and take it.

And while that didn't happen to me as much as it did with other guys I knew of, it happened enough to change the way I looked at having sex with other guys. It happened enough that I also had to be more... detailed and introspective about having sex with a guy and not be so focused on whatever he was doing or saying that totally turned me off but being able to look at the whole thing and see if there was something - anything - I actually did enjoy having sex with him right up until he did or said something to make it not so enjoyable.

As related in other writings here, the worst thing was the day I got tricked, drugged, and used by a true predator and it was even harder for me to admit that none of what happened would have happened if I had been paying attention and as I had learned to. Not only was I not paying attention and fell into his trap, the part that was even worse was that the sex he had with me while I was drugged was... amazing. It was hard for me to admit - and after the drugs had worn off and I tried to kill him - that when he was sucking my dick, fucking me, and riding my dick like a madman - yeah, the sex was some of the best sex I'd had at that point in my life and even worse when I found that I couldn't blame him more than I had to blame myself for being stupid enough to fall into his trap in the first place. I realized, in retrospect, that I should have seen the signs and I hated myself because I hadn't paid any attention to them; I knew the juice he'd given me tasted a little funny but drank it anyway but by that time, there was nothing I could do to prevent what happened, well, until my rather high metabolism purged whatever it was he'd doped me with - and it had something in it that kept my dick hard the whole time - and I was able to turn the tables on him and beat him badly and left him for dead.[/FONT][/SIZE]

[SIZE=3][FONT=verdana]I became sexually active at a young age and in rapid succession and once I experienced sex at the hands (so to speak) of a man, my desire to have more sex was escalated. It didn't take a whole lot of brain power to (1) figure out that this sex thing was totally amazing and (2) because I could have sex with both boys and girls, well, did it get any better than that? The very simple kid logic said that if I couldn't find a girl who'd want to do the nasty, there was always a boy who'd want to.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]And it was fun. Naughty beyond belief. And it only got better once I was able to shoot the dreaded baby-making stuff and since I was the first among us to be able to do this, it made me very popular even if the girls I had been having sex with were now leery of doing it with me since, well, there's a reason why we called it the baby-making stuff but among us guys, it was just a very cool thing to be sucking on someone's dick and the next thing you knew, that warm, sticky, salty/sweet stuff would be shooting in your mouth or, with a guy on top of you and humping his dick in and out of your butt for all he was worth, feeling his prick jerking and twitching inside you and knowing that he was shooting the baby-making stuff in you. Some liked the feeling so much that when they felt the jerking and twitching, it would give them a bad case of the giggles and maybe because it felt so good and so weird that laughing was the only response.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]Just way too much fun. Once I started eating pussy, the circle was now complete and even if a girl was afraid to fuck, getting her pussy licked and sucked was in very high demand and so was I; I could do it, I loved doing it, and I could do it for a long time and the "funny" thing about this was that if a girl wanted to be eaten but didn't want to be fucked, um, after eating her silly, she'd have no qualms about me sliding my dick into her and filling her overheated pussy with cum anyway.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]But as quickly as I had discovered the joys of sex, I also discovered just as quickly that you could have sex with someone and it wasn't fun at all and it wasn't until I was well into my adult years when I'd go back into my memories and see that whenever I had sex and it wasn't fun, it was usually with another guy... and now I was getting schooled and learning why girls behaved the way they did when some horny dude was trying to fuck them.[/FONT]

[FONT=verdana]It wasn't fun to have some guy manhandling me or trying to humiliate me in some way; I found out quickly and the hard way that I hated guys who'd make having sex with them unpleasant and, even worse, insulting my intelligence by using the same kinds of lies they'd use with girls and thinking that I was stupid enough to believe that if I sucked their dick, they weren't gonna cum in my mouth. Yeah, sure they wouldn't. Or they'd think I was naïve enough to believe them when they said they weren't gonna fuck me... then try to do just that... and then get pissed off when I wouldn't allow it and I'd be pissed because I'd find myself literally fighting them to keep their dick out of my ass.[/FONT][/SIZE]

So what would a typical day be like for me given that we can't go anywhere or do anything here in Ontario?

I would start the day with a long shower and shaving my legs. I would glide over to the closet and pick out something that I could lounge in all day but still look sexy doing it like a long silk nightie. Most likely underneath would be some really sexy lingerie like matching bra and panties with a garter belt and stay-ups or maybe a bodysuit. I would proceed to my makeup vanity and apply the most smokey eyes you have ever seen and then finish off with a statement red lip.

I would then sit on the couch and read blogs and forums all day whilst chatting with other like-minded individuals about the ins and outs of sex (Pun intended) all the while slowly drinking my coffee and getting aroused. The day would drag on with me getting increasingly aroused to the point where I will need to satisfy my urges with some sex toys on the bed.

Once completed I will then lounge in my night until I fall asleep and repeat the next day.

I thought as I got older I would calm down a bit. I was not really a party animal in my younger years and that's something I don't regret at all, it's not me and never was.

But I find now as I get older I seem to want to push at some things a little harder. Years ago I would never have taken any pictures of myself in a compromising position but here we are with some rather racy photos of me sitting on the hard drive. Not really sure what drove me to do it but I can say I am enjoying taking and looking at them for sure.

A.D.D. was never a thing when I was a kid but according to my wife, I have over 10 of the 15 signs of adult A.D.D. and one of them is hyper-focusing.

FYI hyper-focusing is

[QUOTE]Hyperfocus refers to an intense fixation on an interest or activity for an extended period of time. People who experience hyperfocus often become so engrossed they block out the world around them. Children and adults with ADHD often exhibit hyperfocus when working intently on things that interest them.[/QUOTE]

So this could be the answer as to why when I get these feelings I dive right in head first without any other thoughts. I have done it with everything in my life, probably why I have over 50 lipsticks in my collection and most have not even been used yet.

Also why I spent most of my workdays for the last week thinking about nothing but cock!!

I sometimes can't help but wonder if my crossdressing is attributed to my bisexuality or vice versa. This was a question I would ask myself years ago before I truly accepted myself.

I hated the fact that sometimes when I dressed I would get these feelings and urges and act on them while dressed.

It took me a long time to get over these and come to where I am today. I am happy no matter how I am presenting and do not have any more guilt towards my fantasies.