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[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Sacrifice. Isn’t that what motherhood is all about? Or is that what we have made ourselves believe? We sacrifice our sleep, our vanity and often our dignity. Anyone who has ever whipped out a boob in a crowded restaurant or has had to deal with a screaming tantrum in a toy store knows exactly what I mean. We mothers have convinced ourselves that to be the best for our children, we have to give up almost everything that separates us from the childless women out there.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]But to be good mothers must we sacrifice that which makes us who we are? For [/FONT][/COLOR][B]Sophie Jenkins[/B][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS], absolutely not. One recent evening, following dinner with her husband [/FONT][/COLOR][B]Steve[/B][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS] and their six-year-old daughter, Sophie planned a fun night out dancing with the girls. This isn’t unusual for most moms – we still enjoy nights out with our friends, even though they may end earlier than they did in our child-free days. But for Sophie, the concept of ‘girls night out’ takes on a whole different meaning.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]On this night, Sophie enters the club and watches the gorgeous women, eyeing their soft curves. But she won’t be viewing them with envy, comparing her own body to theirs, as so many of us tend to do. No, Sophie will be looking at them with interest. You see, Sophie is a bisexual, married mom and tonight, she wants to find a woman to dance with and maybe make out with and then see where it leads.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]You might be shocked, even horrified, to think that Sophie is cheating on her clueless husband. You might be judging this behavior as unsuitable for a mom. But Sophie is neither cheating nor doing anything wrong. She is simply living her life the way she wants to. And Steve knows all about it.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]From the minute they met, Steve knew that Sophie was the woman he was going to marry and have children with. He also knew that she was bisexual and he had no problem with it. He understood that it’s the person – not the gender – that Sophie loves, and that she loves her husband deeply. And for the first few years of their marriage, it was enough.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Then Sophie had her daughter, a traumatic birth that led to severe postpartum depression. She felt lost, unhappy and desperate to have her old life back, which had included dating women. After therapy and a lot of soul searching, Sophie realized that she had sacrificed too much. She is a married mom, yes, but she is also a bisexual woman who needs other women to feel whole.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Bisexuality is confusing for most people. Isn’t it enough to just choose one gender and stick with it? Must people be allowed to sample from every menu? Well, why not? If Sophie’s bisexuality is “an elemental capacity to develop an attraction to the same gender,” then how can one argue with an innate part of her identity? Our most important job as moms is to teach our children to be proud of who they are. Sophie is doing exactly that. Though, like most parents, she has no intention of discussing her sex life with her daughter, she is exemplifying how to live a full, content life by being honest with herself and her husband about who she is.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Where is her loving partner in all of this? Well, he also has desires, but his don’t include going to bars and picking up women. What he wants is the classic male fantasy: a threesome with his wife and another woman. But as Sophie explains, it’s not easy to find a woman who wants to be brought home to someone else’s husband. In fact, it’s so hard to find this elusive other woman that it became part of an iconic [/FONT][/COLOR][I]Sex and the City[/I][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS] episode in which Miranda answers a personals ad from a couple looking for this rare third party. According to Sophie, most potential “thirds” aren’t so sure about joining in with a married couple with kids. Even the most open-minded of people have particular views of family life, and they don’t include threesomes.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Sophie is first and foremost a mother. She takes Maddy to school and chats with the other moms about this and that. But when asked what she had done on Saturday night at her daughter’s class picnic, she neglects to mention the kissing and slow dancing with a woman at a club. Imagining the wide-eyed stares and gaping mouths on the moms’ faces (and the awe perhaps from the dads) is reason enough for Sophie to keep her true identity hidden. This causes a cognitive dissonance of sorts. Sophie is neither embarrassed nor ashamed of who she is, yet to protect her family, she cannot reveal a great part of who she is because of what other moms might think. And as educated and enlightened as we purport to be, moms are, at heart, often competitive and judgmental when it comes to what might seem like inappropriate “mom” behavior. Maybe it’s because we have our own secret proclivities.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]But Sophie is not alone. A recent [/FONT][/COLOR][I]New York Times[/I][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS] article by [/FONT][/COLOR][B]Mark Oppenheimer[/B][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS] called “[/FONT][/COLOR][URL="http://www.bidatingsite.com"]Married, With Infidelities[/URL][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]” profiles [/FONT][/COLOR][B]Dan Savage[/B][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS], America’s best known sex columnist. His column, Savage Love, often looks at monogamy and what he considers its problems. For Savage, the best relationships are had if both people involved are “good, giving and game,” whatever that might entail for the couple. For Savage personally, it includes some extramarital activity; in Sophie’s case, it’s finding women to fool around with and perhaps sharing them with her husband, as she’s done in the past.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[B]Judith Stacey[/B][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS], a New York University sociologist quoted in Oppenheimer’s article, succinctly sums up Sophie’s definition of her marriage: “Monogamy is not natural, non-monogamy is not natural. Variation is natural.” Variation is the key to Sophie’s happy marriage and her ability to be the best mother she can be.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Marriage and motherhood are never easy. In addition to balancing the demands of a husband and child, Sophie also has to find the time (and place) to fulfill a whole other need. She isn’t looking for a girlfriend per se, but she [/FONT][/COLOR][I]is[/I][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS] looking for variation in her sex life. And though Steve is never accusing in his questions, he does want to be included in every part of Sophie’s life – and so it’s a challenge for her to decide how much to share. If Sophie ultimately decides that she wants to find another man, or Steve decides he does want to see another woman, these will be other lines they’ll have to cross. Fluidity in their relationship is understood as part of human nature, and Sophie knows that they will approach it together.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Sophie and Steve love each other, their child and the variation on life they’re mapping out for themselves. With the current media explosion about [/FONT][/COLOR][URL="http://www.bidatingsite.com"][B]Arnold Schwarzenegger[/B][/URL][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS], [/FONT][/COLOR][URL="http://www.bidatingsite.com"][B]Anthony Weiner[/B][/URL][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS] and countless other celebrities and politicians literally being caught with their pants down, Sophie has figured out something most people haven’t. Honesty is truly the core of a relationship, and being who you really are, no holds barred, is the secret to happiness.[/FONT][/COLOR]

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[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Does this sound familiar? You've just realized you are attracted to women or you have known for some time now. You happen to be married to a man and he doesn't know about your interest in other women. You are at the point where you cannot ignore these feelings any longer and you realize you’re going to have to tell your husband.[/FONT][/COLOR]
[COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]
[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=#666666][FONT=Trebuchet MS]Everything that you’re feeling inside is affecting your relationship with your husband and whether you’re having an affair with a woman or not, he deserves to know what’s been going on with you. This may or may not be a relationship-changing event. Here are some things to consider before coming out to your husband as a lesbian or bisexual.

Your husband may be a great guy. You may still love him. He may be the father of your children and your partner in everything in life. Chances are he’s noticed changes in your behavior, sexually and otherwise, and how you react to him. He may be blaming himself for the distance he feels from you. When you decide the time is right to tell him, here are some tips on how best to go about it.

Timing

Coming out to your husband is not going to be easy. Make sure you plan to tell him during a period where you know he will have the time and space to process it. Don’t do it over a holiday or your anniversary. If you have children, you might want to see if you can get someone to watch them for a day. Allow for at least a few hours of uninterrupted time for the two of you to be alone together.

Reaction

There’s no way to know for sure how he will react. He may become angry. He may get sad. He may ask you to leave right away. Or he may wonder if there is anyway you can work things out with him. Be ready for any of these emotions to erupt and decide ahead of time how you will deal with each one.

What Do You Want?

Before you come out to him, you should have a good understanding of what you want out of your relationship with your husband. You may not know for sure, but one thing is certain, he’s going to ask you. You have to be ready to tell him what you are thinking and how you feel and what you see in the future for the two of you and your relationship. Do you want to leave? Do you want to try and stay, acknowledge your feelings for women and not act on them? Do you want to become non-sexual partners with him and pursue affairs with women? Do you want an open relationship where you continue to be lovers with him, but date women also? These are all options. He may or may not agree with any of them, but you can have a sense of what you desire before you come out to him.

Are You In Love with Another Woman?

ype of thing they figure out intellectually, but rather, an emotional thing that comes to a head and becomes a top priority issue once they have fallen in love with another woman. Here are some things to keep in mind if this is you: If this is your first time with a woman

The newness and intensity of a new love affair with a woman may throw you way off balance emotionally. The excitement and sexual attraction cannot compare to the everyday routine of a long-term relationship, especially if you've only had male-female relationships in the past. Try to keep this in mind as you sort out your feelings.

It is common for married women to fall in love with other married women. You may wonder, is it just this particular person or am I a lesbian or bisexual? Sometimes you just KNOW. Sometimes it takes some time and examination to figure out. If you need the time - take it. Be patient with yourself.

If you are in love with a married woman who has no desire nor intention of leaving her husband, this can cause a unique set of challenges. Some women in this situation decide not to come out to their husbands and continue to have an affair, in secret. This choice has the potential to destroy both relationships if it backfires and you are found out, so it is not recommended. Even if you are not found out, the jealousy, lies and need to constantly cover it up will slowly eat away at you. Eventually you will want to come clean.

Questioning Your Sexual Orientation?

You may not know yet if you are actually a lesbian, but you may be questioning it. It is okay to share your confusion and doubt with your husband. I have heard many stories of men who just want their wives to have a happy and fulfilling life, even if it is without them. Your husband may be the guy who stands by your side while you figure it out. He may surprise you. If you are married and can't figure out if you are lesbian, bisexual or straight, it might be a good idea to seek help from a professional therapist.


How to Come Out to Your Husband

You don’t have to have everything perfectly planned out or figured out, but these tips may help you prepare for telling your husband you are lesbian or bisexual:

1. Tell the truth. Speak for yourself using "I" statements. If you have been having problems with him, try to keep those issues separate from what is going on inside you.
2. Let him know it’s not his fault. That nothing he did caused you to be this way. You don’t have to tell him everything. You may want to spare him any details of your sexual experiences with others, but if you’ve put him at risk of any sexually transmitted diseases, you should let him know that.
3. Remember this is your first conversation about this and his initial reaction will not be his lasting one.
4. Don’t come out to him in anger.
5. Don’t expect him to be your primary support in this.
6. Be honest. Don’t give him false hope for your relationship if there is none.
7. Do seek the assistance of a relationship counselor. She can help you work it out, or break up in an amicable way.
8. Encourage him to find his own support. The Straight Spouse Network is one place he can go.

Regardless of how your session with your husband turns out, you will end the discussion feeling you have been upfront with him, have hidden nothing from him, and are ready to proceed with your life. It may not end up how you imagine, but in any case, you are who you are and your husband deserves to know. After all, it affects him as much as it affects you. You may be pleasantly surprised. Finally, he will appreciate your candor and the value you are placing on your relationship with him by "coming clean" and putting both of you in a position to make sound, caring decisions moving forward.

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