In this final post regarding acceptance of my sexuality, I take a look at the stages I went through to get to where I am today. [B]Stage 1: Curiosity[/B] My curiosity about the human body started around puberty, whilst most teenage boys we're interested in only one thing, I found myself interested in two. I thought it was a phase and once my hormones settled I'd be normal. It was this curiosity that led me to watch gay porn in my early twenties, however it was enjoyment and excitement that made me continue. I guess some who are curious watch gay porn and bow out, not I, I loved it. My fascination with my anus began as soon as I saw a man penetrate another on my computer monitor. I found it highly erotic and arousing to watch and I knew I wanted to experience both receiving and giving. This is still true today and it's why I believe I'm versatile. It would be a deal breaker to perform only one role. My curiosity grew and I started to notice men around me. I found myself not only drawn to cock, but also the male body, in particular toned, muscular or thin. To me, the male form is just as arousing as female, more at this stage in my life, but to a young man, this curiosity lead to fear. Fear that I was gay, fear that I would be found out. [B]Stage 2: Denial[/B] My denial was primarily caused out of fear. I was aroused by both cock and pussy but only one of those was deemed normal for men. I didn't want anyone to know. I had friends bullied at high school for being gay even though they weren't, it messed them up. Whilst my family are not religious I felt if I said "Mum, dad, I am bisexual, I love cock too" it would've been a huge disappointment to them and still would be today. Comments made over the years have illustrated this. I shudder to think what the response would've been had I been caught in bed naked with another male. I think my siblings would accept it as I think deep down they probably have their suspicions but the older generation will never. Not a chance. I went through stages of "why me?", "I'm not gay", "I don't like men", "I'm 100% straight", you name it, I went through it. I thought if I could cut these desires from my life, I would end up normal and they would be gone for good. [B]Stage 3: Suppression and Hiding[/B] I've hidden my true sexuality from people all my life and I'm very good at doing so but the wall is weakening. I am not saying I didn't have same sex thoughts and dreams over the years, I most certainly did, I never acted on them. I suppressed these and to the world, I was straight. I got so good at it I even believed it myself. From time to time I would slip up and thus begins a sub stage. [B]Stage 3a: Shame[/B] This stage can be called by many names, guilt, embarrassment, self-loathing but I refer to it as shame. Even when I didn't have control over the slip up as in a same sex dream, I still felt shame but more so when I masturbated to a same sex fantasy as I thought I had control over that when in reality, I didn't. The shame came from 1) enjoying it so much and 2) for not being straight. Shame is damaging so the quicker I could get through it the better so this lead to the next sub stage. [B]Stage 3b: Rationalisation[/B] I used every excuse I could think of to justify my same sex desires and experiences (which were all solo). I had to rationalise my actions otherwise I couldn't move passed hating myself and I hated myself a lot. The only way I could look at myself in the mirror was to promise myself (I even said it out aloud), "No more, this is the last time!" and I would then end up back in the Suppression and Hiding stage but I made promises I could not keep and it was a matter of time before I would end up back here. [B]Stage 4: Awakening[/B] What was required for me to end the Suppression and Hiding, Shame and Rationalisation phases was a catalyst. My catalyst as indicated throughout this series was a strong sexual attraction to another man and though I had experienced same sex attractions in the past, they weren't to this level. I would call these bromances, nothing more. I had never felt this level of attraction to a man before but strangely enough it wasn't confusing or shocking as deep down I knew it was possible. The attraction was so strong it cracked the cycle I was in. [B]Stage 5: Exploration[/B] This stage was rather fun and very pleasurable. Each solo expedition to the gay side had a level of shame associated with it after it was complete but I no longer tried to rationalise it and went straight to "that's enough, you've had your fun, no more". Fortunately my brain never listens to my mouth and vice versa. The one thing that helped was discovering edging. When I edge I masturbate for hours which means I'm horny for hours. The more horny I was the more boundaries I was prepared to push. I'm not going to get into detail on what I did over these months, perhaps a story for later date if people want to hear, but these expeditions and the shear pleasure and arousal I got from them were the reason why I finally accepted who I always have been. I loved it all, I wanted more. [B]Stage 6: Realisation[/B] Realisation is different from acceptance and the strange thing about this stage is the position in the order changes depending on acceptance. Once I accepted I was bisexual then the realisation stage moves up the list. The one comment I've heard/read time and time again once someone accepts their sexuality is "I've always known". For me, this is true so the realisation happened second, just after curiosity but due to the third stage, denial, which is overbearing and demanding, it doesn't get recognised to much later. Some may stop or get stuck on this stage for awhile not wanting to move on to acceptance, they realise but refuse to accept, but for me, I was quick to accept it once I made the realisation as same sex desires were not new to me. Denial had taken so much out of me over the years so I had no fight left and had to accept it, lock, cock and barrel. [B]Stage 7: Reflection[/B] With acceptance came reflection. Why didn't I see this earlier? There were many signs throughout my life, I should've seen it but I refused too accept what had literally been staring me in the face (especially after a session). I decided to write a website for my eyes only, complete with pictures, about my awakening, struggles, thoughts, explorations, realisations and desires. I also asked myself many questions, which are kept up to date regarding my sexuality, body, bisexual lifestyle, masturbation, sex and fantasies. Finally, I keep a diary of my bisexual progress on the website too. This may seem a bit weird, and some may say self-indulgent, but it has been very therapeutic and I would recommend it to anyone questioning their sexuality. It eroded any doubts and confirmed I made the right decision. Once I put everything in writing and in one place, everything finally made sense. It also serves as an outlet to express my sexuality in an otherwise straight life. I doubt I will need it once I come out but until then, I'm bisexual in my own story and that's enough, for now. [B]Stage 8: Comfort[/B] One of my other fears is that I would feel different, inferior but that couldn't be further from the truth. My homosexual side completes me and I actually needed it to feel normal. Yin and Yang. I love being bisexual and I would go as far to say I feel special, but in a good way. When I'm out walking, I walk safe in the knowledge that I'm bisexual so there's no more eyes down. I might not be out but I'm definitely proud. Sex is not just for procreation, it's also for pleasure and if men can also provide that pleasure then I count myself lucky. It's truly the best of both worlds and with comfort comes expression. [B]Stage 9: Expression[/B] I'm not quite comfortable to come out or take a chance and be found out... yet, so when I signed up to this forum I did something I never could've done on Shy Bi Guys, I responded to posts. This allowed me to express my sexuality in a non-judgmental environment with fellow bisexuals who were either going through what I had or had been through it all. I grew comfortable over the first few months to the point that when I hit my two year [URL="https://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?18896-Two-year-bi-versary"]bi-versary[/URL] I did something I had never done before, posted a picture of my hard cock for men and women to see. This was a major step forward for me and I think I had to take it. I regretted it initially but have no regrets now and I'm glad I did it. With regards to self expression, I still masturbate, as if that was ever under question, but now I do so without any guilt or shame and I love it. It's apparent that the guilt and shame of my homosexual side was really affecting my pleasure so now I experience masturbation as god intended it to be, if there was a god. Finally, my new years resolution was to write about my experiences in the hopes it helps someone accept or start their bisexual journey. I wanted a way to give back to the bisexual community and I felt there was no better way than to share what I went through and say "It's OK to be BI". I don't regret for one second starting my journey, I just wished I had done it a lot sooner. It is indeed life changing, for the good, well it has been for me. [B]Stage 10: Regret[/B] I wished I had accepted my sexuality earlier as I suffered needlessly due to the guilt and shame over the years. Finally, remember you don't have to tell any one nor do you have to partake. You can continue to live an outwardly straight life and bisexual on the inside. Bisexual, Gay or any of the sexualities are not wrong and they're definitely not unnatural. It's nature and nature doesn't make mistakes. Good luck to those who are starting their journey!
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