Recent Blogs Posts

I had always been attracted to girls. As soon as my infant eyes could focus on anyone not my mother or sister. Okay, maybe not that long ago, but definitely by the age of four. Titties were the holy grail. I was always in search of them. Found my dad's men's magazines, and holy shit! Why is it so stiff it hurts down there? I avoided masturbation until I was nearly 13. For some reason I thought it was gay. Didn't want to do that. Until I discovered it somewhat by accident in the bathtub one night. It was off to the races. And it made time with the occasional Penthouse that much better!! My mother employed a tradesman to fix things that broke in our old house. I found where in his truck he stashed his adult mags, and they were better! Usually hardcore sex. I saw my first lesbian sex in those pages. That's my fetish. Women loving women. But one day I found a lesbian mag I had seen before, but it was accompanied by a gay mag. I had disappeared into the shed with them, but I never opened the lesbian mag that day. I peaked under the covers of gay sex, and I was enthralled! I jerked off to at least two orgasms that day. Snuck them back where I found them, and hoped I'd see them again. I did. It was in that truck every time I saw it, and it was my favorite. I didn't want a dick in my mouth. Eww! But the thought of it in someone else's mouth was appealing. But where else were they putting it?? Obviously I was even more clueless about gay sex than straight. I had no idea, nor concept of what was going on when they engaged in anal sex.

Now, if you're looking for the guy with the truck to make an appearance here, he won't. He had no idea, and even if he did I doubt he would've tried anything. He was a really nice man. But my friends my age. Different story.

Part II cumming....

A

Why are so many men finding their bisexual voice during their midlife? Is it a midlife crisis, the resurfacing of repressed thoughts and desires or a combination of factors?

I can only speak for myself but for me it was a combination of factors and I suspect for many it was or is the same. I can tell you one thing for sure, it's not a midlife crisis. That couldn't be further from the truth as that implies the bisexual voice wasn't there before. It was, it was just under a gag order to keep quiet.

Growing up, society expects us to conform to a heterosexual stereotype to fit in, to avoid ostracizing and the associated stigma that comes with being different so when most of us hit puberty we act as society expects to avoid any unpleasantry. I did, however some refuse and forge their own paths while the rest of us carry on as if everything is right as rain through our twenties and thirties.

For most, that seems fine but for some it makes them anti the very thing they are and they seem to think being anti-gay/bisexual makes them straight in the eyes of society and their lord and saviour. LOL. I had friends growing up who were vehemently opposed to gay/bisexual people only to find out years later after we lost contact that they were indeed gay and they had came out in in their late thirties or early forties. I was never anti-gay/bisexual, perhaps subconsciously I knew I was but was too afraid at the time.

My sexuality however was like a smoldering fire. The more I repressed and denied it, the more it smoldered, becoming hotter and hotter so it was always going to be a matter of time before the fire took hold and once it did, it couldn't be extinguished. Masturbation kept it in check through my teens, twenties and thirties but it was never going to be enough regardless of how much I masturbated, which was a lot. This still rings true today, it's only going to last so long before the next phase starts, physical experimentation.

This points to the fact I knew in my teens. I believe most people who discover their sexuality later in life may have known from a young age too. Controversial comment? Yes, but I do struggle to see how one day someone wakes up and suddenly decides to bisexual, the tendency or curiosity surely must have been there prior. It was for me however I made that choice like so many did before me and chose not to be bisexual. Of course this is silly, I was still bisexual so the choice I was actually making was to hide it and by all accounts I was very good at hiding it or at least scooting under the radar. Some have jokingly questioned my sexuality in the past and I always said "straight as an arrow" when in fact I knew it was "straight as an arrow that can shoot around corners". I think in one case they were testing the waters. It is something I have lived to regret. I didn't choose to be sexually attracted to men, but I did choose to lie to myself and that has caused many years of guilt. Hiding/lying about your sexuality to society has become the norm, most of us feel we have too, but you should never lie to yourself, you can't, you know the answer.

Like so many on the forums, it just so happened that I was in my forties, aka, mid life when I accepted I was bisexual but the few years prior to accepting I was already exploring my sexuality through masturbation but I rationalised that it was out of boredom in my normal masturbation routine rather acknowledge a life long pattern/desire for cock. I started to explore my backdoor with toys, read about sexuality, shave my pubic region and resumed my love affair with gay porn. I also did every sexuality test I could find. The more honest I was, the hornier and harder I got. Truth will set you free or so the saying goes, however for me this lead to some of the biggest and most pleasurable orgasms in my life. My ejaculatory load is considerably more now than when I was a teenager. "Young dumb and full of cum" was a saying I heard a lot when growing up. I'm now middle aged but still full of cum, just not as dumb though the jury still out on the last one.

Initially the guilt was very strong but it felt so good and the moment I got horny nothing could stop me from lubing up my cock-shaped toy, lifting my legs and sliding my it deep inside my ass whilst watching some gay porn. Resistance was indeed futile. I'd edge for hours all the time with it buried deep inside me. Have you ever tried to urinate with an erection and a toy in your ass?

I never married, which I don't regret, so it wasn't out of a sexless marriage that made me come to my senses. For me I think it was the smoldering fire started to burn from the years or repression, denial and guilt. It just took 20 years to get to that stage where it caught fire. I enjoyed it too much and couldn't see a life without appreciating cock. I'm older and wiser and realised being bisexual is not the end of the world, but it might have been for a 20 something version of me, who lacked the reasoning, logic and just wanted to be normal.

Normal is such a subjective thing. In our formative years, normal is what everyone else says and does, in our later years, normal is what we say and do. Normal for me is liking men and women, it has been all my life. Being bisexual is normal and the best thing that has happened to me. I could of been born straight, but I was lucky. There comes a point in life where you just say enough and for many men, it seems to be in our forties. We've already lived a lie for 20 odd years, possibly half our life, done what others have expected from us and decide it's finally time we do something for ourselves and accept our sexuality.

For those who accepted their sexuality mid life, what made you accept it?

My first blog was about the internal struggle of accepting my sexuality, this one discusses what actually happened to make me accept it.

Looking back over the years I think the number one thing that made me suppress my sexuality is family and the disappointment it would be to them should they ever find out. I never had the exposure to same sex activities in my formative years that so many seemed to have had on here, perhaps things may have been different had I but the opportunity never presented. Would I had it? I don't know, teenage and horny makes me think I might have and simply put it down to youthful experimentation.

The first exposure I had to same sex content was via gay porn. The internet had arrived and whilst initially I used straight porn to masturbate to, it was not long before I looked up gay porn via newsgroups. I downloaded pictures only, 33.6k modem and video content are a no go. I'm not sure when I started to look it up, it sort of just happened, perhaps it was curiosity or perhaps it was the emergence of my sexuality either way, it was short lived. I didn't stop watching it because I didn't like it, I stopped because I was nearly caught masturbating to it and thus begun the denial and suppression stage. I often think back and wonder if it might have been better had I been caught as it would've been out in the open. I'm not sure which would've been more embarrassing, been caught masturbating or what I was masturbating too, probably the later. I would not look at gay porn for another 20+ years.

The moment I truly realised I was bisexual would happen 20 years later when for the first time in my life I experienced the incredibly strong desire to kiss another man. I had experienced a couple of same sex attractions prior but not once did I ever feel the need to kiss them, this was a first for me. Why didn't I twig on the first two attractions? I don't think I realised I was attracted to them as there weren't any sexual overtones or they were being suppressed sub-consciously.

Needless to say I didn't kiss him but it left me confused and gave my sexuality the opening it needed. This was my catalyst. Little did I know had I, he would've reciprocated but that's a story for another day. Always leave them wanting to know more.

With my curiosity now sparked I introduced male masturbation stories in to my masturbation sessions, initially solo stories but soon after mutual. I had discovered edging by now so these lasted hours. Words gave way to visual and I would resume my love affair with gay porn but not before I bought an anal toy and opened my backdoor for exploration. I very much enjoyed all these sessions right up until the point I ejaculated, then the guilt and shame set in and I would swear that it would be the last time. It never was. Months would go passed and every day the same thing happened, ejaculate, admonish myself.

Something had to change, I googled sexuality tests and found a few and did them all. You have to answer them truthfully or it's pointless doing them. The thing with sexuality tests is, if you're taking them, you already know the answer and are really looking for confirmation like I was. The confirmation helps strangely enough. Not one test said I was heterosexual, all said I was at the very least bisexual. I didn't accept this immediately but it was not long after when one day after a particularly enjoyable session I went to have a shower to clean up and I stared in to the mirror, thoughts flooded my mind and I said what I needed to say. "I am bisexual, I like cock too".

The relief was immediate, I had said it out aloud whereas previously it had never left the confines of my mind. Saying it out aloud was me coming out to myself. I needed to come out to myself before I could accept myself and initially I would go with a Kinsey two. The thing about being in the closet is you need an outlet. Porn initially works but eventually you need more so I signed up to Shy Bi Guys and read there were many just like me (perhaps not as messed up). I never could bring myself to post. I had accepted it, but posting was like coming out.

Once Shy Bi Guys shut, I had to find another home and ended up here. I signed up as a Kinsey three, equal and I had become comfortable enough in my sexuality to actually respond to and start threads. This helped me to realise I currently wasn't a Kinsey three and I changed my Kinsey value to a four. This brought it in to line with some of the tests to indicate a slight to moderate preference for men. No one probably noticed this but sexuality is about being honest to yourself and I felt I needed to do this for me. I say currently as I believe sexuality is fluid, it can change for a number of reasons and is only a snapshot of how I feel at this point in time. I do know one thing, I'll never be, nor ever was, 100% heterosexual no matter what I had said in the past.

With acceptance comes freedom and now my orgasms from masturbation are massive and incredibly enjoyable. I wouldn't want to give these up. I love being bisexual and I wouldn't change this even if I could. I believe I was born this way and it was only a matter of time before it would emerge. It's just a pity it took so long. Family still stops me from coming out today only because I let it, it's a mental thing, however deep down, I think they probably suspect or know. All in good time, I'm just enjoying being me.

[SIZE=2]T'was a long long time ago when I first discovered masturbation and its results. I am not sure what took me from puberty to stroking for pleasure but I think the idea of having sex, whatever that was, meant I was supposed to be on top. I mean who knows, I had no experience, teacher, training, or anybody to explain what to do. Perhaps it was sex ed and the topic of self gratification and its physical process which coerced me into trying something other than looking for nudie pictures. I was so unsure about how to do anything but I was creative enough to place a chair next to the bed in such a way that I could position myself like a bridge between the bed and chair leaving space below for my cock to hang freely downwards. I had a garbage container below to catch whatever jumped out from my meager pole. I would stroke for about five minutes releasing my protein into the waiting depository. I cannot recall if the feeling was one of exuberance, exhilaration or accomplishment. I did not think even for a moment that what was left in the bank would not vanish by the next mandibular transaction, but the artistic expression of my brush did leave psychological spots henceforth for quite some time. I cannot recall whether I wiped it, washed it, or tossed it out into the trash following my experimentation of pubescent self-discovery. [/SIZE]It has been over 35 years and I still, to this day, enjoy masturbation whenever I can. Of course nearing 50, I think I still masturbate as much as when I was much younger. I do have a wife who satisfies my carnal urges at the moment, but there have been times, on occasion, when we've had sex and for some strange hormonal reason I cannot figure out, I need to masturbate. I think I am a duo kinda guy. You know.. We do, oh I need more - DUO.

I guess sex is such an important part of my life that I will take what I can when I can as long as it is consensual. A standard I have always lived by. Ask and ye shall receive whether it be by another or by mine own hand.

I salute masturbation, and speaking of saluting....you know.