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When I finally uttered the words, "I am bisexual" it was a massive weight off my shoulders but little did I realise that it was only the beginning of a long journey, a journey I now realise I was always needed to take. Most bisexual people believe that sexuality is fluid, I sure do, but ask most straight people and we'd have to be joking, right? The homosexual community may somewhat subscribe to the notion that sexuality is fluid but it doesn't stop us being berated from both sides.

My obsession with cock may have started out as a curiosity or at least that is what I told myself, but I believe it was driven fundamentally by a genetic component to my makeup. I believe I was born to like it and from the moment my hormones started to patrol my body I was destined to head down this path whilst the majority of the people I know would head down another, or so I thought.

I now define myself as a bisexual gay man but it wasn't always this way. When I first accepted I was bisexual, I started out as a Kinsey one. I rationalised this as liking men but women far more. I could live with this, even though I was clearly lying to myself. I know that now but I also knew it then too. Admitting I liked men was massive but I wasn't ready to admit just how much. I had always rationalised the Kinsey scale as follows, 1-2, heterosexual who likes the same sex, 3, equal and 4-5 homosexual who likes the opposite sex so initially I saw myself as a predominantly heterosexual man who sometimes liked men.

It wasn't long before I changed it to a two and after few months it became a three. For me, each change required an adjustment period where I was adjusting to being a little more homosexual than I had previously cared to admit. It would stay at three for a year as it meant I liked men and women equally and therefore equally homosexual and heterosexual. It wasn't long before I realised that deep down I knew Kinsey three was a copout but a change to a four meant I would no longer be sitting on the fence. I would've gone from being on one side, to the middle and finally to the other side. I would be more homosexual, I would be predominantly gay, aka, a gay man who likes women. Yes, it's still bisexual and if I was to tell anyone, I simply would say bisexual, but this was all about my internal rationalisation. I had to rationalise it so I could accept it. Some may say that's a tad messed up, but living most of my life in denial meant I had internal walls that required to be broken down before I could accept I was more homosexual.

In June 2019 I made that change. It took me 25 years to admit that my homosexual side was stronger. I did feel different. Heterosexual felt like a lie, this didn't. It felt natural. Gay porn had always been more arousing to me, it wasn't a phase nor was it just out of curiosity. It was sexual and would make me hard at just the thought. I would stay a Kinsey four for 11 months until I changed it to a five last month. With the lockdown in full swing, my homosexual side ran a little rampant, especially with masturbation month. I'm pretty sure it won't get any higher but when we come out of lockdown, there's a possibility it could return to a four. Will it ever be less than a four? Will I go back to equal or jump the fence again? I don't think so, I find men more arousing, I always have, but as sexuality is fluid you never say never.

One final note. There have been posts/polls on the forum where some have indicated as they age they feel more homosexual, myself included. Is this fluidity at play or just the truth coming to the surface over time? For me, I think it may be both.

[FONT=Verdana]Human sexuality is a funny thing, not funny Ha Ha, but funny that for the most part, many struggle with it but once they accept it, often wonder where all the anxiety and stress came from. Phillip Schofield just came out gay after over 20 odd years of marriage and I can just imagine the internal struggles he went through over those years. This is controversial and may annoy some but I believe most people, if not all are innately bisexual. They have the capacity to fall in love or pleasure, for the sake of this blog and to keep things simple, men and women.[/FONT]
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[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]The same behaviour is witnessed in the animal kingdom, perhaps not the love part, who knows, so why should humans be any different? I applaud Mr Schofield for having the strength I do not. He has decided that he has to live the remainder of his years the person who he was born to be. Yes, I believe there is an element of genetic coding at play. There isn't necessarily a gay gene, but a gene that may make them more susceptible to same sex attraction and it's more dominant in some than others. When you add in opportunity or situation in to the fray, some will act upon it, even those who claim to be 100% straight.

I myself maintain I was born this way. I didn't become bisexual overnight, it was a long arduous journey over many years and can honestly say that I felt different from mid-late puberty as my hormones really kicked in. I knew I wasn't straight but there was no bisexual back then, it was straight or gay, you had to choose sides so I did and lived with it buried in my inner most soul for a quarter of a century. This journey need not have been anywhere near as long if not for social convention and religion making it so. Who any man or woman chooses to love or have sex with is no one else's business. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]Perhaps the next human evolution in 1000 years may be further down this path and genders become irrelevant, it's just sex and love, if we don't blow ourselves up first. Until then most of us will just have to continue to live in the shadows or closets, but every so often there is a little light, a glimmer of hope when someone of fame, such as Mr Schofield comes out and the world is full or praise and support, not disgust. I'm sure there's many out there who are full of disgust but the overwhelming response has been positive in the media so I hope it's actually been like that for him out of the spotlight too.[/FONT]
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I believe there are three major stages, realisation, acceptance and acknowledgement when it comes to sexuality. Realisation is not acceptance. I realised from an early age that I had same sex tendencies and like so many, didn't accept it till later on in life. Acknowledgement is the final stage, it's when an individual acknowledges it to others, aka, coming out. It's the stage I am struggling with and may never enter though I would very much like too. It's a stage you don't have too enter, it's totally optional. It's the acceptance stage that matters the most. Acceptance for me is the key to a happy life sexuality wise. I personally no longer feel any guilt associated with my desires, fantasies or dreams because it's nature and therefore natural, not to mention pleasurable. It's a part of who I am, it's a part of who I want to be. I don't want to be straight. Bisexual feels right.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana]As the Pride parade is today in New Zealand, my hope is to one day participate. I never knew why they held the parade when I was wearing my straight mask, I thought it was a bit flamboyant and look at me. It was not until I accepted my sexuality that I understood why. For me, my sense of pride came from the acceptance. I was finally at peace instead of fighting myself every step of the way. I had won the battle even though some would say I lost. I had accomplished what many cannot, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and I simply wanted to be a part of something bigger than me. This is where the forums come in. It's my parade for the moment. It's my outlet. It allows me to be me. It allows me to express myself. If we all don't use it, we risk losing it and that will be a very dark day for us all.[/FONT]

In this final post regarding acceptance of my sexuality, I take a look at the stages I went through to get to where I am today.

[B]Stage 1: Curiosity[/B]
My curiosity about the human body started around puberty, whilst most teenage boys we're interested in only one thing, I found myself interested in two. I thought it was a phase and once my hormones settled I'd be normal. It was this curiosity that led me to watch gay porn in my early twenties, however it was enjoyment and excitement that made me continue. I guess some who are curious watch gay porn and bow out, not I, I loved it.

My fascination with my anus began as soon as I saw a man penetrate another on my computer monitor. I found it highly erotic and arousing to watch and I knew I wanted to experience both receiving and giving. This is still true today and it's why I believe I'm versatile. It would be a deal breaker to perform only one role.

My curiosity grew and I started to notice men around me. I found myself not only drawn to cock, but also the male body, in particular toned, muscular or thin. To me, the male form is just as arousing as female, more at this stage in my life, but to a young man, this curiosity lead to fear. Fear that I was gay, fear that I would be found out.

[B]Stage 2: Denial[/B]
My denial was primarily caused out of fear. I was aroused by both cock and pussy but only one of those was deemed normal for men. I didn't want anyone to know. I had friends bullied at high school for being gay even though they weren't, it messed them up.

Whilst my family are not religious I felt if I said "Mum, dad, I am bisexual, I love cock too" it would've been a huge disappointment to them and still would be today. Comments made over the years have illustrated this. I shudder to think what the response would've been had I been caught in bed naked with another male. I think my siblings would accept it as I think deep down they probably have their suspicions but the older generation will never. Not a chance.

I went through stages of "why me?", "I'm not gay", "I don't like men", "I'm 100% straight", you name it, I went through it. I thought if I could cut these desires from my life, I would end up normal and they would be gone for good.

[B]Stage 3: Suppression and Hiding[/B]
I've hidden my true sexuality from people all my life and I'm very good at doing so but the wall is weakening. I am not saying I didn't have same sex thoughts and dreams over the years, I most certainly did, I never acted on them. I suppressed these and to the world, I was straight. I got so good at it I even believed it myself. From time to time I would slip up and thus begins a sub stage.

[B]Stage 3a: Shame[/B]
This stage can be called by many names, guilt, embarrassment, self-loathing but I refer to it as shame. Even when I didn't have control over the slip up as in a same sex dream, I still felt shame but more so when I masturbated to a same sex fantasy as I thought I had control over that when in reality, I didn't. The shame came from 1) enjoying it so much and 2) for not being straight. Shame is damaging so the quicker I could get through it the better so this lead to the next sub stage.

[B]Stage 3b: Rationalisation[/B]
I used every excuse I could think of to justify my same sex desires and experiences (which were all solo). I had to rationalise my actions otherwise I couldn't move passed hating myself and I hated myself a lot. The only way I could look at myself in the mirror was to promise myself (I even said it out aloud), "No more, this is the last time!" and I would then end up back in the Suppression and Hiding stage but I made promises I could not keep and it was a matter of time before I would end up back here.

[B]Stage 4: Awakening[/B]
What was required for me to end the Suppression and Hiding, Shame and Rationalisation phases was a catalyst. My catalyst as indicated throughout this series was a strong sexual attraction to another man and though I had experienced same sex attractions in the past, they weren't to this level. I would call these bromances, nothing more. I had never felt this level of attraction to a man before but strangely enough it wasn't confusing or shocking as deep down I knew it was possible. The attraction was so strong it cracked the cycle I was in.

[B]Stage 5: Exploration[/B]
This stage was rather fun and very pleasurable. Each solo expedition to the gay side had a level of shame associated with it after it was complete but I no longer tried to rationalise it and went straight to "that's enough, you've had your fun, no more". Fortunately my brain never listens to my mouth and vice versa. The one thing that helped was discovering edging. When I edge I masturbate for hours which means I'm horny for hours. The more horny I was the more boundaries I was prepared to push. I'm not going to get into detail on what I did over these months, perhaps a story for later date if people want to hear, but these expeditions and the shear pleasure and arousal I got from them were the reason why I finally accepted who I always have been. I loved it all, I wanted more.

[B]Stage 6: Realisation[/B]
Realisation is different from acceptance and the strange thing about this stage is the position in the order changes depending on acceptance. Once I accepted I was bisexual then the realisation stage moves up the list. The one comment I've heard/read time and time again once someone accepts their sexuality is "I've always known". For me, this is true so the realisation happened second, just after curiosity but due to the third stage, denial, which is overbearing and demanding, it doesn't get recognised to much later.

Some may stop or get stuck on this stage for awhile not wanting to move on to acceptance, they realise but refuse to accept, but for me, I was quick to accept it once I made the realisation as same sex desires were not new to me. Denial had taken so much out of me over the years so I had no fight left and had to accept it, lock, cock and barrel.

[B]Stage 7: Reflection[/B]
With acceptance came reflection. Why didn't I see this earlier? There were many signs throughout my life, I should've seen it but I refused too accept what had literally been staring me in the face (especially after a session).

I decided to write a website for my eyes only, complete with pictures, about my awakening, struggles, thoughts, explorations, realisations and desires. I also asked myself many questions, which are kept up to date regarding my sexuality, body, bisexual lifestyle, masturbation, sex and fantasies. Finally, I keep a diary of my bisexual progress on the website too. This may seem a bit weird, and some may say self-indulgent, but it has been very therapeutic and I would recommend it to anyone questioning their sexuality. It eroded any doubts and confirmed I made the right decision. Once I put everything in writing and in one place, everything finally made sense. It also serves as an outlet to express my sexuality in an otherwise straight life. I doubt I will need it once I come out but until then, I'm bisexual in my own story and that's enough, for now.

[B]Stage 8: Comfort[/B]
One of my other fears is that I would feel different, inferior but that couldn't be further from the truth. My homosexual side completes me and I actually needed it to feel normal. Yin and Yang. I love being bisexual and I would go as far to say I feel special, but in a good way. When I'm out walking, I walk safe in the knowledge that I'm bisexual so there's no more eyes down. I might not be out but I'm definitely proud. Sex is not just for procreation, it's also for pleasure and if men can also provide that pleasure then I count myself lucky. It's truly the best of both worlds and with comfort comes expression.

[B]Stage 9: Expression[/B]
I'm not quite comfortable to come out or take a chance and be found out... yet, so when I signed up to this forum I did something I never could've done on Shy Bi Guys, I responded to posts. This allowed me to express my sexuality in a non-judgmental environment with fellow bisexuals who were either going through what I had or had been through it all. I grew comfortable over the first few months to the point that when I hit my two year [URL="https://www.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?18896-Two-year-bi-versary"]bi-versary[/URL] I did something I had never done before, posted a picture of my hard cock for men and women to see. This was a major step forward for me and I think I had to take it. I regretted it initially but have no regrets now and I'm glad I did it.

With regards to self expression, I still masturbate, as if that was ever under question, but now I do so without any guilt or shame and I love it. It's apparent that the guilt and shame of my homosexual side was really affecting my pleasure so now I experience masturbation as god intended it to be, if there was a god.

Finally, my new years resolution was to write about my experiences in the hopes it helps someone accept or start their bisexual journey. I wanted a way to give back to the bisexual community and I felt there was no better way than to share what I went through and say "It's OK to be BI". I don't regret for one second starting my journey, I just wished I had done it a lot sooner. It is indeed life changing, for the good, well it has been for me.

[B]Stage 10: Regret[/B]
I wished I had accepted my sexuality earlier as I suffered needlessly due to the guilt and shame over the years.

Finally, remember you don't have to tell any one nor do you have to partake. You can continue to live an outwardly straight life and bisexual on the inside. Bisexual, Gay or any of the sexualities are not wrong and they're definitely not unnatural. It's nature and nature doesn't make mistakes.

Good luck to those who are starting their journey!

This is the third and second last of the series regarding my acceptance of my sexuality and elaborates on the [URL="https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4346-Accepting-I-am-Bisexual"]Accepting I am Bisexual[/URL] post.

[URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4337-The-Internal-Struggle[/URL]
[URL]https://www.bisexual.com/forum/entry.php?4346-Accepting-I-am-Bisexual[/URL]

[I]I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. Life is demanding without understanding. I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign. No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.....
[/I]
How fitting the Ace of Base song is. You definitely see the signs, whether or not you choose to acknowledge them for what they may be is a different story so in this blog I'll point out some of my more major signs that I experienced through my life that lead to this point. They won't be in much detail nor will I cover them all but there were quite a few, some insignificant at the time but when you add them all up it shows a pattern. It would be interesting to read some of the signs others experienced from those who also took a long time to accept their sexuality.

1) There was no such thing as the internet in my teenage years nor did my father have a stash of pornography for a bi-curious horny teenager to look at so the only way I could cop a look was in the changing rooms. I was curious about cock but I had to be careful not get seen so for the most part it was eyes down but plenty liked showing off what they had and they seemed to get their kicks off doing so. I really thought this was out of curiosity but it in fact it was one of the earlier signs. You definitely didn't want to be caught looking as this would be giving them an excuse to bully and in the 1980's.... you get my drift.

2) In my early twenties I started to appreciate the male form and would cop a look in admiration of any well built male walking around in a singlet or topless. I still do today and it's probably the reason why I try and keep my body toned to some extent, that and I'm vain.

3) I've always had a fascination with anal and felt my anus was a two way street. For me, there was something highly arousing seeing a man penetrate another anally in gay porn that I couldn't get enough of but I stopped when I was nearly caught masturbating to it. In absence of gay porn I went back to straight focusing now on both cock and pussy. If it didn't have cock I wasn't interested. Lesbian porn has never done anything for me, but throw conventional straight sex in and I'm interested. The fascination with anal eventually led me to buying something cock-shaped to satisfy that curiosity and from the moment it slid up past my prostate, I knew it was for me. I didn't last long.

4) Like all men, if I don't masturbate enough I will have sex dreams and these both included men and women. I used to wake up shocked and ashamed when these were male thinking it must be a mistake, however I would be rock hard and the sheets soaked from pre-cum. Sleeping lets your sub-conscious reign supreme and often shows you the truth, unfettered. Sometimes these were men I knew and it was difficult to look at them next time I saw them after what happened in the dream. Whoops.

5) I experienced a couple of same sex crushes in my mid twenties to mid thirties. Nothing major and I feel these were more of an emotional connection rather than sexual or perhaps I just didn't realise. The one that started all this and the reason why you have to read all this guff happened in my late thirties where I experienced an incredibly strong desire to kiss another man. This still remains the only time I have felt this. This attraction was definitely sexual but also went deeper and could have developed in to a romantic one over time had it been allowed to progress.

6) I got propositioned by a man I have known for some time for sex three years ago over Skype (messaging) but I turned it down even though my body was telling me different. I was rock hard and excited at the prospect but my suppression won out. I really considered it. The question how did he know when I hadn't even accepted it myself? Outwardly I act very straight so this could be a pheromone thing or him just throwing caution to the wind I suppose.

7) I wanted to know what semen tasted like so I had to try my own and I actually quite enjoyed it. I still have issues in this department and can only do it when I'm horny enough, it's a work in progress. I have tried to deposit directly in to my mouth, but I'm too old to accomplish that now.

8) When masturbating for the few years prior to 2017 before my acceptance, I often but not always used gay sex fantasies or written stories. For some strange reason I thought written stories weren't as bad as visual, well, that's how I rationalised it to myself. Once I ejaculated I was embarrassed and ashamed even though I knew I really enjoyed it. This tended to happen the longer the session went so when I discovered edging....

This entry took a while to write because I had to choose which signs I felt had the most impact. In writing and posting on the forum I have become more comfortable talking about my sexuality and the exploration I used during my journey to acceptance. Most of these details I have shared over time in various posts however some I have not shared before but due to their impact on the process I felt compelled to mention them. Everyone is different but this is what really affected me and yes, it's hard to see why I didn't accept it a lot earlier.

My first blog was about the internal struggle of accepting my sexuality, this one discusses what actually happened to make me accept it.

Looking back over the years I think the number one thing that made me suppress my sexuality is family and the disappointment it would be to them should they ever find out. I never had the exposure to same sex activities in my formative years that so many seemed to have had on here, perhaps things may have been different had I but the opportunity never presented. Would I had it? I don't know, teenage and horny makes me think I might have and simply put it down to youthful experimentation.

The first exposure I had to same sex content was via gay porn. The internet had arrived and whilst initially I used straight porn to masturbate to, it was not long before I looked up gay porn via newsgroups. I downloaded pictures only, 33.6k modem and video content are a no go. I'm not sure when I started to look it up, it sort of just happened, perhaps it was curiosity or perhaps it was the emergence of my sexuality either way, it was short lived. I didn't stop watching it because I didn't like it, I stopped because I was nearly caught masturbating to it and thus begun the denial and suppression stage. I often think back and wonder if it might have been better had I been caught as it would've been out in the open. I'm not sure which would've been more embarrassing, been caught masturbating or what I was masturbating too, probably the later. I would not look at gay porn for another 20+ years.

The moment I truly realised I was bisexual would happen 20 years later when for the first time in my life I experienced the incredibly strong desire to kiss another man. I had experienced a couple of same sex attractions prior but not once did I ever feel the need to kiss them, this was a first for me. Why didn't I twig on the first two attractions? I don't think I realised I was attracted to them as there weren't any sexual overtones or they were being suppressed sub-consciously.

Needless to say I didn't kiss him but it left me confused and gave my sexuality the opening it needed. This was my catalyst. Little did I know had I, he would've reciprocated but that's a story for another day. Always leave them wanting to know more.

With my curiosity now sparked I introduced male masturbation stories in to my masturbation sessions, initially solo stories but soon after mutual. I had discovered edging by now so these lasted hours. Words gave way to visual and I would resume my love affair with gay porn but not before I bought an anal toy and opened my backdoor for exploration. I very much enjoyed all these sessions right up until the point I ejaculated, then the guilt and shame set in and I would swear that it would be the last time. It never was. Months would go passed and every day the same thing happened, ejaculate, admonish myself.

Something had to change, I googled sexuality tests and found a few and did them all. You have to answer them truthfully or it's pointless doing them. The thing with sexuality tests is, if you're taking them, you already know the answer and are really looking for confirmation like I was. The confirmation helps strangely enough. Not one test said I was heterosexual, all said I was at the very least bisexual. I didn't accept this immediately but it was not long after when one day after a particularly enjoyable session I went to have a shower to clean up and I stared in to the mirror, thoughts flooded my mind and I said what I needed to say. "I am bisexual, I like cock too".

The relief was immediate, I had said it out aloud whereas previously it had never left the confines of my mind. Saying it out aloud was me coming out to myself. I needed to come out to myself before I could accept myself and initially I would go with a Kinsey two. The thing about being in the closet is you need an outlet. Porn initially works but eventually you need more so I signed up to Shy Bi Guys and read there were many just like me (perhaps not as messed up). I never could bring myself to post. I had accepted it, but posting was like coming out.

Once Shy Bi Guys shut, I had to find another home and ended up here. I signed up as a Kinsey three, equal and I had become comfortable enough in my sexuality to actually respond to and start threads. This helped me to realise I currently wasn't a Kinsey three and I changed my Kinsey value to a four. This brought it in to line with some of the tests to indicate a slight to moderate preference for men. No one probably noticed this but sexuality is about being honest to yourself and I felt I needed to do this for me. I say currently as I believe sexuality is fluid, it can change for a number of reasons and is only a snapshot of how I feel at this point in time. I do know one thing, I'll never be, nor ever was, 100% heterosexual no matter what I had said in the past.

With acceptance comes freedom and now my orgasms from masturbation are massive and incredibly enjoyable. I wouldn't want to give these up. I love being bisexual and I wouldn't change this even if I could. I believe I was born this way and it was only a matter of time before it would emerge. It's just a pity it took so long. Family still stops me from coming out today only because I let it, it's a mental thing, however deep down, I think they probably suspect or know. All in good time, I'm just enjoying being me.