Jazminedress

Well, the fact I am asking these questions, leads me to believe, other than my normal weirdness, I am probably okay mentally, but, I do want to understand how I can be the way I am. And as I have lived through this, I know others have, and I know how freaky and scary that feeling can be

I think, for me, many of the answers came when I stepped off the cliff into the unknown and for the first time weeks ago fully immersed myself in a weekend en femme, and allowed myself to see what came naturally. Not over exaggerating my hips when I walk, or trying to talk in a falsetto, just, changing my dressing style, some nice perfume, and allowing myself to not think about the way I walk or sit

I learned, when dressed as Jazmin, I truly feel like a lady, and it is important for me to dress in a, well, "classy" way, not a street walker style. I do realize the body parts I have, and I am okay with it. But when I am dressed, I allow myself to think and act like jazmin, I dont try or hinder anything, it just comes naturally, there is a definite personality swap

As I am changing clothes either direction, with every piece I feel the changes coming over me, the thinking. As guy, I throw on jeans and a t-shirt, as a female, I dress slower and match items. It really feels like two different people.............which is why I had to worry about mental illness.

So, I started thinking about other times in my life where I am different. I thought about work, if I throw on a shirt and tie and lead a team, my manners and way of speaking and thought processes change, than when I am at home. I sit straighter to project leadership, I speak in a different manner, use different words, again, a personality swap................and well, many people do that and they are not considered mentally irregular. Seriously think about it, do you do anything different at work ?

I have acted in large plays, and remembering that, I learned how to truly immerse myself in my character, as I wanted the audience to believe I was that person and not me for two hours. I adopted the traits of the character I played, very similar to when Jazmin comes out.

But, does that mean its all an act for myself ? that I am just playing a character ? am I just escaping reality ?

Well, what about when I perform musically.......and this is where some self realization came in for me. When I do 80's rock shows, I dress in leather and spandex, I have watched videos and noticed I move different, dance on stage different, even facial expressions are different, than when I do, say an acoustic show with songs more like (knocking on heavens door, cant you see, ed sherrhan).

yes, there is some dressing the part, but, my facial expressions and movements change depending on the type of music............so, if I disassociate or have multiple personalaties, then I must have a bunch of them, but I don't think this is the case.

What about when I walk outside at night and come across people,or riding public transportation I project a different defensive stance, and all that seems normal to most people right ?

What about those with kids, when parenting, you may act different than when dealing with an issue with a spouse. Most people call this acting the part, but is it really, or is it just many parts of who you are ? There are people who were born to be a parent, and others like me that sucked at it and worked very hard to be a good parent, some, it was just inside them all along

SO, now, I am thinking, if my brain is okay, how do I explain all this. Well, has anyone else noticed that many actors / actresses are now openly coming out as bisexual ?
We are seeing more and more people coming out as transgendered ?

Yes, some of them could be just an attention thing of , well, I will seem cool if I am bi

But, what is it about that particular business, that attracts people with some of these traits, and I think there are a hell of a lot more still in secret

I think the answer, at least for me, there are many of us that know we have multiple parts to us, and the acting or stage performance allows us to let it out in a socially acceptable way. there are many of us that can release and become something or someone else, and many others who would, if they had a safe way to do it. I think many of us, while we may not know what it is, are more in tune with our inner selves, and understand there is more beneath the surface

There are others that may truly be more one dimensional, who are straight forward and happy, God bless them if they are, but I believe there are more people who dream and have that other person inside. How many of you have ever listened to music and in your head pictured yourself on stage playing guitar or singing ?

Or watched a rescue show and dreamed of being the firefighter rushing into a burning building ?

I am not talking about the flight of fantasy................but how many, day dream, a lot. how many people have scenarios that play in your head all the time where you are someone else, not a day dream lost in a video game idea, but really step outside yourself and see it, feel it, you know something deep inside is trying to rise up and come out ?

How many feel, there is really more to them, maybe you dont know what it is, or how to express it, but you know deep down, it is there ?

This was me, I felt feminine urges, I felt myself being tugged and pulled, i caught myself walking past ladies clothes stores and glancing too long. This was me for most of my life. For most of my life I fought it off, I stopped it, I didnt let it come to the surface, I was in control.

Instead, I buried myself deeply into books and allowed the inner me to become those characters,not who I truly am, but as I got older, it no longer worked.

When I finally ordered an entire outfit, I turned around all mirrors so I couldnt see, i dressed slowly, then spent ten minutes just standing there before walking to the full length door mirror. No, it wasnt a miracle moment of seeing myself as a lady, I saw myself as happy.

I felt a weight off my shoulders, I allowed this inner person to come to the surface, and I spent the weekend as her. When it was over, I changed and went back to my daily me. As time has allowed, I spend a day here and there as Jazmin, but it is not all encompassing.

I dont feel one "personality" pulling or tugging at me daily, actually the oppisite, I feel in harmony. On days I can dress, I understand the difference between when I put on a show, and when I embrace the other side of me, they are similar, but many differences.

I automatically switch to smaller steps when walking (you have to in a skirt anyways), and it feels like a part of me.

Is there some escape ? yes, Jazmin does not have to go to work or pay bills, kind of like barbie, but without the camper and a eunic like Ken to keep her company. The real escape though, is letting an inner part of me come out.

I wish I could say this has changed my life, the birds sing, the grass is greener, the oceans parted and heavens doors opened up, well, it didnt.

What it did do, is help me to realize, I am okay the way I am, I enjoy and feel good, some stress had been relieved.........I have allowed an inner part of me to be a part of my life. I am no longer one part of a whole, but, now two parts of a whole. Could there be more ?

I dont know, I dont think so, this just feels right to me, that this is the complete me. I fi i ever feel there is, I wont spend decades fighting it, I will explore it instead.

The easiest way i have heard to explain it...........and this is the big self realization (hope its not a let down)...........many women when they get divorced, and date again, I have heard them say

"I spent 20 years as a wife and a mother, and its all I was, now, I feel free "

yeah, now, I feel free, I feel me