Open Relationships. Yay?/Nay?

[Gearbox]

I've always been monogamous. Never cheated! Because I never really wanted to, and I was only acting on my hetro side at the times.lol

But since I've been in the world of gay sex, I've been swayed to wanting an open relationship.
Not because I want both m&f at the same time or screw around like I'm single. But because I've met and chatted to some really fucked up jealous, paranoid, needy, insecure pieces of work on my travels.

They want OWNERSHIP of you! They want you to be their everything forever. They try to pin their reasons to believe in life&love etc etc on you, and if you FAIL THEM they are destroyed.

That's not love IMO! You can't own or confine somebody you love. And confining somebody from experiencing their own desires and self exploration in this very short life is not an act of love! It's pure childish spite!
It's not a 'gay thing' or even a 'male thing'! It's just that it's way more obvious with males IMO (not ALL males!).

I think the only way to protect myself from all that crap is to find somebody who wants an open relationship. I've been very impressed with those in open relationships so far. They seem to have their heads on the right way and know a little more about love than most others.

So what do you say? Open or closed? And why?

[Pasadenacpl2]

I'm horrible at monogamy. I've tried. I've failed. My wife is monogamous for feelings, but is ok with having NSA sex. I tend to have relationships but very little NSA sex, and those outside relationships are serially monogamous (one outdside relationship at a time).

We both struggle as our needs are very different. But, we are very committed to each other and that is what counts.

Pasa

[12voltman59]

Thanks for someone posting up a decent poll again!!

[lizard-lix]

I'm fine at monogamy, but it is not my first choice.

I'd prefer to swing in each other's company, which is what I am trying to get my wife to consider... and I'd prefer that to be a somewhat closed circle with one or a few couples for both the relationship and safety.

I am not looking for a completely open thing, with both of us seeing others alone. I've considered asking her for a 'hall pass' to hook up with a guy, but it just seems wrong for me.. (not saying anything about anyone else).

If it makes any sense, I'd be OK with it if we had a two couple relationship and not all of us had sex, but we all liked each other and would socialize and some of us have sex while others did something else (movie, converse, etc).

I guess I'd like my wife to know any lover I'd have and at least like them and vice versa. Pretty much the same feeling for friends in general.

[ErosUrge]

Well Gearbox, I can't agree more. All of what you say rings loud and true for me as well. It is true that when two people get involved in a serious relationship, too often one or the other or both react the way you've described wanting to possess every part of the experience with that person.
Now in defense of those who are monogamous and are truly happy that way, I say good for them and mean it sincerely. I would also say that those who are on solid ground in a monogamous relationship without casting judgment on others for their choices which differ from theirs are to be credited. I think those particular couples have found a way to relate to one another not as possessions but simply with the commitment to one another without desiring or acting on desires outside their relationship. If I could do this, I would. But I know too well that even when I am with a woman who cares deeply for me and I for her, I can't deny my desire for the same sex. Some women have approved of this, but most haven't. For the ones that did, we parted because of other reasons and it's very clear that was the case. In fact, I am still very good friends with those women. So, I would have to say that my vote would have to be with being in an open relationship.

[shroderdog]

They want OWNERSHIP of you! They want you to be their everything forever. They try to pin their reasons to believe in life&love etc etc on you, and if you FAIL THEM they are destroyed.

Unfortunately these types are not just limited to the world of monogamy either. I am married going on 15 years now that started as an open relationship and over time we have both ran into people that have put us on a pedestal and pinned hopes and dreams around the idea of love. Granted they are easier to spot as they eventually start proclaiming how they want to save us from this life and how we deserve to be with just them... then we tell them to fuck off.

But to answer your question, I would pick open relationship all the way. To me it just seems more natural. And I would not select this choice for the sex. I tend to form a close bond to people I do things with and there are activities that I love that my wife hates, and vice versa. Why stop and limit things that could grow beyond?

[tenni]

I was torn between single and open relationship but I voted open.

I think what I would really like to try is what is called a "closed loop relationship". As I understand it it does involve three people who are in a relationship but not necessarily all together at the same time all the time. My drathers would be a woman and a guy but not necessarily living all in one house. The woman could be in another loop with another woman if she wanted. Despite what I post here sometimes that might give the impression otherwise, I'm kinda a one on one guy but just not quite monogamous. I've been monogamous with women.....kinda monogamous with a guy or two (at the same time).. I agree with Shoderdog that I like it to be more than sex with both. I don't think that I will find what I'm looking for though.

Thanks Gearbox for having a thread that is not jumping up and down about monogamy. The ownership aspect can be sensitive.

[Diva667]

FYI: A closed loop arrangement is usually called "polyfidelity" an can be a triad or quad or ?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyfidelity

Polyfidelity (also sometimes called "Polyexclusivity") is a form of polyamory where all members are considered equal partners and agree to be sexually active only with other members of the group. The term originated in the Kerista Village commune in San Francisco which practiced polyfidelity from 1971–1991.[1] The community expected all of its members, within bounds of gender and sexual orientation, to be sexually active with all other members, and for exclusive relationships not to be formed. However, this aspect of polyfidelity is not always expected today

[chapear]

I would prefer a closed loop arrangement. Tried monogamy it doesn't work for me.

[Stargazer1417]

Good poll but none of the options really sum up my feelings and I'd imagine a lot of people are in the same boat.

I am in a relationship and I love it. I don't want an "open relationship" because that implies that either of us can be off sleeping with other people without any accountability to the other. I also don't want a strictly "monogomous relationship" beacause that implies that neither of us has sex with anyone not in the relationship, if that makes sense. My ideal is an otherwise monogomous relationship wherein we explore sexual options and play together... perhaps a third person in the bedroom with both of us, etc. while we are completely emotionally faithful and neither of us is pursuing options outside our activities together.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here... normal is whatever works for you. Just my preference, for what its worth.

Perhaps I'm just being to strict in my definitions. Does anybody else think there should be another option?

[tenni]

Star & Diva
Close to what I'm thinking but the wiki definition is not quite it. I'm not sure if I'd call the relationship equal but certainly it would have aspects of equality. It would be a relationship that would grow and be considerate of the other two people. If it became too controlling and vetoing like Gearbox referred to, I suspect that it might self distruct. It might be impossible. From what I've read Void, his wife & Elian have something close to what I am thinking about but I believe that distance is a challenge for them. Each closed loop may have some unique features that are decided upon for however long the loop surivives.

I think that I like the term closed loop better than poly whatever..easier to remember...

[JP1986UM]

Lizard what you want is a Closed Loop Relationship. Many gay/bi men opt for that with their wife's ok.

I am doing that sort of at the moment, except my BF is divorced.

I wish you luck finding one. They are out there. Look on Yahoo for the CLR group.

As for me, I also voted Open. I am not nor have I really ever been an endorser of monogamy. Don't believe in it as a long term ideal. I do plan on being with my wife for as along as we are alive, but I do need a man in my life to fill that void she can't provide.

[Gearbox]

God! There's so many kinds of relationships that I couldn't list all varieties of them (or know their labels.).

I've changed my needs and my limits over the years like most people. So I think being flexible would be a good way for any relationship to last (in all ways. Not just sex!).

@Stargazer1417 - I know what you mean. Even in non-monogamous relationship there should be some consideration to all involved. No good having a partner if he/she is out 7 nights a week with somebody else. You can't take the 3rd to the Ritz and your partner to McDonald's. That's just asking for trouble!
We can't avoid rules and systems! Yours seem perfectly reasonable!

@Diva667 - Now that sounds fantastic! As long as there's no outside action it would be a healthy option too. I bet it's a bugger to get every body agreeing to who can join the group though (I like young f's and mature m's).

[NakedInSeattle]

I'm assuming "open relationship" means having a serious relationship with someone but still being able to play with other people (also assuming that she can, too). Why wouldn't anyone like this kinda deal? The comfort of a relationship and the variety of other people? What's not to like?

[cliffml]

I've always been monogamous in every serious relationship i've had, whether with a woman or a man.

[innaminka]

At this stage of my life - I voted monogamous.
And i am!
Three years ago, I would certainly have voted open, because that was the way my life was - I could possibly have "open marriaged" for Australia.

Now, I have found real, honest, no frill love, I want emotionally to be mono.
It gives me such a sense of belonging: we both feel the same way.
I am basking in monogomy!!

[marks890]

My wife and I have an open marriage although I don't really don't date other women however I do encourage my wife to date other men.

[mikey3000]

I'm in a closed loop relationship and it works for me.

[nudistharry]

I chose open relationship, but in reality it depends on the people. Jealousy and security plays a big role in determining what type is best.
I could easily be in an open relationship since I am not the jealous type and am very secure in my relationship with my wife. My wife, on the other hand, is VERY jealous (even though she feels secure in our relationship) and a monogamous relationship is the only that would work for her.

[lizard-lix]

Lizard what you want is a Closed Loop Relationship. Many gay/bi men opt for that with their wife's ok.

I am doing that sort of at the moment, except my BF is divorced.

I wish you luck finding one. They are out there. Look on Yahoo for the CLR group.

As for me, I also voted Open. I am not nor have I really ever been an endorser of monogamy. Don't believe in it as a long term ideal. I do plan on being with my wife for as along as we are alive, but I do need a man in my life to fill that void she can't provide.

I'd like that, but I'd most like it if the closed loop was with another couple or a few.. If she wanted just a guy to join us, that'd be OK. But, like I said, I'd prefer not to have a BF in a situation where we played together without her, I believe that would lead to her feeling left out, which I totally don't want, and it doesn't seem like she wants me to go play alone either..

I would be OK with finding a similar couple, where I go play with the guy, while the girls go play in the garden or talk books... if they were not inclined to play with us or each other.

We compared it to other activities, I workout, shoot, fish and ride bicycles with others by myself, and that has never been an issue; but sex is different, to her for sure.. Not so much for me as I separate sex for love from sex for friendship/recreation; she doesn't. So that won't work I am afraid, at least not unless something changes...

So for the moment, we are just working on the concept of breaking monogamy in some way. Once we can work that out that, we decide on the exact details of who, how, under what circumstances, etc...

[welickit]

I guess we are a bit unusual in this regard. Both of us are bisexual and quite comfortable with it. We are not swingers and don't care for sleeping around. However, when it comes to sex with someone else, more often than not it is someone we know. I guess you could say the sex is an extension of an existing friendship. Our gay and lesbian friends see us as being normal while most of the straight friends we have had find us a bit unusual. It works for us so we have little concern for what someone else may think.

Point being: Different strokes for different folks. Those who are openly honest with each other and communicate are always by far the happiest. The cheats, liars and sneaks always come asking the same old questions trying to justify what they do. If you have a good thing you know it. If not there will always be polls and people who share an opinion of what works for them. It all seems to keep this site hopping.

[DuckiesDarling]

While I myself am mongamous, I do realize there is nothing with people who are into open relationships as long as everyone in that relationship wants it to be open. Wanting to be open when hooked with a monogamous natured person might fly for a bit, eventually it's gonna be like a pressure cooker and the lid will fly off.

So to each their own as long as all partners agree, you can't be monogamous by yourself or in an open relationship by yourself, there is someone to always be considered, they are called your partner.

[roy m cox]

open relationship and damn proud of it

[_someone_]

While I myself am mongamous, I do realize there is nothing with people who are into open relationships as long as everyone in that relationship wants it to be open. Wanting to be open when hooked with a monogamous natured person might fly for a bit, eventually it's gonna be like a pressure cooker and the lid will fly off.

So to each their own as long as all partners agree, you can't be monogamous by yourself or in an open relationship by yourself, there is someone to always be considered, they are called your partner.

Yes.

Though to answer the poll: I'd likely prefer monogamy to open relationships.

[tenni]

For me this thread is about our own wishes for a relationship. It is not about making statements about how other people decide to live. To do so is to be judgmental. I don't think that being judgmental and putting conditions on how others live should have any place on a bisexual site. The fact that most wish for an open relationship is interesting. Most of us are bisexual and the vast majority prefer an open relationship (of those that responded). It is telling that the monosexual wanted to put conditions on how others live.

[NotLostJustWandering]

"Monogamouse"? Ew. Not into bestiality.

[Annika L]

Good poll but none of the options really sum up my feelings and I'd imagine a lot of people are in the same boat.

I am in a relationship and I love it. I don't want an "open relationship" because that implies that either of us can be off sleeping with other people without any accountability to the other. I also don't want a strictly "monogomous relationship" beacause that implies that neither of us has sex with anyone not in the relationship, if that makes sense. My ideal is an otherwise monogomous relationship wherein we explore sexual options and play together... perhaps a third person in the bedroom with both of us, etc. while we are completely emotionally faithful and neither of us is pursuing options outside our activities together.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here... normal is whatever works for you. Just my preference, for what its worth.

Perhaps I'm just being to strict in my definitions. Does anybody else think there should be another option?

You've described my feelings and preference quite well here!

The unfortunate part of what you suggest is with mandating "completely emotionally faithful". My issue is that emotions simply cannot be mandated or controlled, just because the partners decide on a rule. This is possibly the biggest reason my partner and I do not yet have precisely the kind of relationship you describe. For this reason, I favor polyfidelity as Diva describes it. But I'm sure that is fraught with issues too, such as "what if there are emotions between persons A and B, and persons B and C, but not so much (or there's a falling-out) between persons A and C?" Meh, I hate life's complications.

But yes, I agree with you completely that the options in the poll are too limited.

[piercedcurious]

My wife and I tried a couple of closed poly relationships and it got to be too complicated to try and keep everyone feeling special and there be no jealousy. Our first was a really nice guy that in hindsight we should have held on to but we didn't know what we wanted. Anyway, I say if your relationships can handle it then great, if not don't cheat. We decided that our relationship couldn't handle it so we went back to just us. Take care of the people that love you and they'll take care of you.

[Darkside2009]

Curious! no one seems to have mentioned one of the primary reasons for monogamy,(at least in my view), that of raising children.

As the adult human child takes eighteen years to reach adulthood, longer than any other species of animal, it requires a lot of nurturing and a great investment of time, energy and concern.

What woman would wish to become pregnant if she thought her partner would not be around the following week, month or year to help raise the child? It makes perfect sense to seek a mate that will commit to that relationship and no other.

Could a partner fulfil their function adequately if they had to work to feed three families instead of just one? Would they have the time left, or the energy to invest in emotional bonding with their partner to keep the relationship strong, I would think not.

If one or other of the partners is not happy in the relationship it tends to impact upon the children of that relationship, it is not just the adult partners that suffer.

There are other species of animal that mate for life, that seek out the same partner year after year, ignoring other partners, often after long absences from each other. The reason being that they know they have successfully raised young with that partner before and can probably do so again.

Anyone who observes wildlife can watch them going through bonding rituals prior to breeding. These rituals obviously perform a needed function. Often one suitor is rejected in favour of another. The effect of which is to perpetuate the strongest and healthiest genes. The genes of those who fail to secure a mate will die out, yet it seems a biological imperative buried deep within us to perpetuate something of ourselves.

Therein lies the dichotomy, whilst it is often said that men are biologically profiled to have as many partners as they can, in order to further their chances of having off-spring. Women, being more intimately involved with carrying the baby during pregnancy and of feeding it and ensuring its emotional well-being have a different imperative. To ensure they find a strong and healthy partner than can provide for her and the child/children whilst she is unable.

In former times that may have meant securing the best hunter/gatherer, but in latter times the one with the greatest earning potential.

Any digression from that monogamy, either by that partner, or from outside influences trying to impinge upon it, threatened the family unit and was to be resisted.

Hence the previously stronger stigmas attached to illegitimate children,
divorce, incest and homosexual behaviour. They were all regarded as threats to family life and the family unit because they caused schisms and divided loyalties within the family.

I find it interesting to note, that most of those on this thread, expressing a preference for so-called open relationships, happen to be male. That many of the bisexuals come to this decision later in life and their wives are left with little option to accept it or divorce. Simply because through age and financial circumstance, they are no longer in a position to go it alone.

As the previous stigmas have broken down or ameliorated financial settlements have had to become more generous to compensate.

Monogamy has been around for a great length of time for the simple reason it best serves the purpose of raising ones children. In this you may also see an answer to a question raised in a previous thread as to why HIV+ and STI's infection rates are so prevalent among homosexuals, despite them composing such a small percentage of the overall population.

As homosexuals were not able to have children between themselves, one of the prime reasons for monogamous behaviour was absent. More partners meant more risk, as not everyone would avail of safe sex practices, more risk culminated in increased infection rates.

As homosexual and lesbian couples are now allowed to marry/have civil partnerships, adopt and raise children, it will be interesting to see if there will be a new-found interest in monogamous relationships. It is in Human nature to protect ones own interests, and for this reason I think monogamy will become popular again.

[Long Duck Dong]

personally for myself, I would perfer a monogamous relationship, but as stargazer and annika point out, emotions are not controlled by relationship rules..... so yeah, a open romantic relationship is something I would also consider.....

to me, monogamy is not a commitment to have sex with one person only... its a vow to be there for a partner, to love, cherish, support and assist a person in the same way we would ask them to love, cherish, support and assist us... the sex / lovemaking is a aspect of the total package......

and that is how the romantic aspect works into it... we are free to love and care about those around us, freely..... and without guilt.... cos we may be able to control our bodies but our emotions have a mind of their own