Bisexual virgins

[robbie09]

Hi, I am a new member who has only recently come to the realisation that I am bi-sexual. I am 40+ and have been married for more than 10 years. It has been a very difficult journey for me and I have only come to this point after months of counselling and soul searching. I now identify as being bi-sexual although I have never had sex with another man. Do you think it is possible to know that you are bi-sexual without ever having sex with a member of the same sex? Are there many other bisexual virgins out there?

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hi Robbie, and welcome. Personally, I had always known that I was Bi. Its just something one is born with, I guess..a knowledge that you are a little different than what society deems "Normal"
Meaning that you are like the rest of us, and special unto yourself. Be proud of this factor and always be who you are.
Pop into chat sometimne and say hello. :}
Everybody's Cat

[nothings5d]

I knew I was bi before I'd had any sexual experience at all, same sex or opposite, so you're definitely not alone in that.

[Realist]

Yes, as we older fellows often do, I have a story that relates directly to bisexual virgins: Not more than a year ago, a friend told me she had wanted to be with another woman since she was a little girl. Raised in a strict home and never allowed freedom to explore, she had to hide her desires. Her only contact with another girl was learning how to french kiss at church camp. (She would dream of those kisses for the rest of her life)

She married at 16, transferring her "ownership" from her family to her husband with no time to transition with. For 25 years, she'd been married to a fellow who was very religious and made it known he would never tolerate "deviates".

At a 2008 New Years party, and after a few too many mixed drinks, she was standing close to me and another friend who had recently come out as gay. He and I were discussing our trials and tribulations. I didn't realize she had over heard us and when the guy left to greet others, she moved in to talk.

She was astounded to learn that I was bisexual and it was like I'd given her a great gift, when I agreed to talk to her about her own feelings. After that, we spent many hours on the phone and meeting for coffee, so she could discuss the subject with someone who understood. I moved and haven't heard from her, but I hope she found someone to love and share her passions with. I do not know if she told her husband, or not.

So, I'd advise you to find someone you can trust to talk to. Keeping things like this inside can kill you if you let it. how do you think your wife would respond, if she learned of your bi feelings?

Most of the folks here agree that you should be honest and open with your feelings with your mate. I can attest to the fact that secrets usually, can and do, come out at the worst times.

Coming here was a good move! There are those who can give you much better advice than me. Come here and talk about your desires and ask for guidance...........I'll bet you'll hear something that will help you deal with it. Don't wait like my friend did and like I did, to do something about it.

[robbie09]

Thanks for the comments and the advice.

I have told my wife that I think I am a bit homo sexual but reassured her that I love her and am predominantly homo sexual. She seemed Ok with it allthough a bit skeptical. I deliberately did not use the word "bisexual" as I think it has different meanings to different people. Is this a bit of a cop out?

[rissababynta]

I am TOTALLY bisexual and I've never been with another woman. The way I see it is if a virgin can know that they are straight, then there is no reason hy I can't know that I'm bi.

[Lonewolf76]

Hi,
I am a bisexual virgin as well. I'm 50 and I just came out last June. I've had mutual oral with a man -but have yet to go all the way. I was in the military for 24 years. I always had the attraction to both men and women since pre-puberty. I tried to push my attraction to men down iside me to fit into the NORMAL box. It didn't work and last year I finally embraced myself for what I am - Bisexual. Now I feel a lot more free. So, I would have to agree with the others - If you find yourself attracted to both (even tho you haven't done anything) you are more than likely bi. My own opinion is that you won't TOTALLY know until you have experienced it tho - that's where I am - I'm pretty sure that I am bi - but wont know until I've fully tried it. Best of luck!

[evilpanda]

I had an incident happen today when I was talking with my good friend who hasn't quite gotten used to me being bi.

I told her I never have anal sex with men because I'm just not into butt stuff. She says that doesn't make me bi. But, I do other things with guys. Do straight guys make out with each other and swap blowjobs? I didn't think so.

It's not about what you have done, it's about what you want to do. And straight people know their orientation when they are virgins, so we can to. There's no litmus test or comprehensive checklist we have to go through, just so we can fit into the straight community's very dull and quaint little categories.

[balancingact]

Hi,
I am a bisexual virgin as well.

[snip]

My own opinion is that you won't TOTALLY know until you have experienced it tho - that's where I am - I'm pretty sure that I am bi - but wont know until I've fully tried it. Best of luck!

Lonewolf, you and EvilPanda bring up an interesting point, which is that perhaps we all define bisexuality differently. LOnewolf, you state that you won't know your bi until you've fully tried it. I completely disagree. I think that you are bisexual by being attracted to other men. By fantasizing sexually about men. I don't agree that you have to necessarily be sexually active. Thus, EvilPanda, like you, I would disagree with your friend as well.

But, perhaps we need to change the meaning of the word "bisexual." Does one have to be sexually active to identify sexually?

[Lonewolf76]

Lonewolf, you and EvilPanda bring up an interesting point, which is that perhaps we all define bisexuality differently. LOnewolf, you state that you won't know your bi until you've fully tried it. I completely disagree. I think that you are bisexual by being attracted to other men. By fantasizing sexually about men. I don't agree that you have to necessarily be sexually active. Thus, EvilPanda, like you, I would disagree with your friend as well.

But, perhaps we need to change the meaning of the word "bisexual." Does one have to be sexually active to identify sexually?

Blancingact - Thanks for the post. At the risk of sounding like a naive idiot here - I am VERY new to embracing my bisexuality and sometimes feel like a tourist in Paris - everyone around me is speaking and I don't speak a word of french! I read, and re-read your post - In retrospect I would have to agree with you 100% Whether or not I like the physical act of sex with a man only determines whether I am "sexuallly active" or not. I have always been attracted to men as well as women and actively fantasize about both. Whether I am sexually active or not - doesn't make me any less of a bisexual. Thanks for the post - you've helped clarify a little of the "french" for me. I appreciate your imput! LW

[elian]

I don't think you need to be sexually active to know who you are attracted to. Bear in mind that there can be differences in romantic attraction and physical attraction.

You may not REALLY know how you feel about it until you try it out. I still don't believe that sexual orientation is a choice - but people who identify as LGBT often do weigh the choices they have to make regarding personal feelings vs. the burden society places on folks who are "outside the norm". Thousands of gay teen suicide letters every year bear the mark of that weight.

Hopefully being that you are older - and wiser - and the fact that you've found a community like this site will stand you in better stead.

Used to know some straight guys that I was either romantically or physically attracted to (or both) - but there's no way I would've dared to approach them intimately because I didn't feel like seeing if I could get assaulted - still knew I liked guys.

New labels/identity can be both exciting and frightening - but remember that your sexuality is still only a PART of who you are as a person.

[chook]

Hi Robbie, If you ever want to have a chat, look us up mate



Cheers Chook

[balancingact]

Blancingact - Thanks for the post. At the risk of sounding like a naive idiot here - I am VERY new to embracing my bisexuality and sometimes feel like a tourist in Paris - everyone around me is speaking and I don't speak a word of french! I read, and re-read your post - In retrospect I would have to agree with you 100% Whether or not I like the physical act of sex with a man only determines whether I am "sexuallly active" or not. I have always been attracted to men as well as women and actively fantasize about both. Whether I am sexually active or not - doesn't make me any less of a bisexual. Thanks for the post - you've helped clarify a little of the "french" for me. I appreciate your imput! LW

Glad I could help. I guess I went through similar struggles. Giving myself a "label" of bisexual actually didn't happen until fairly recently in my life (say close to three years ago). What's weird is that my husband knew that I was attracted to women, and had been with women-- while he and were dating, 7 years ago. But, one day we were having a deep discussion about it (being with women in the future) and I said, "You know, I guess I'm bisexual." He laughed and asked, "Are you just now figuring this out?" I laughed too, but it was the first time I had ever really thought about a sexual orientation or distinction.

[robbie09]

The label Bisexual has helped me enourmously as I initially tried to resolve whether or not I was gay or straight. I failed to comprehend that there was this rich middle ground where you can be a bit of both.

The lable "bisexual" carries enormous baggage as it is often associated with sexual activity whereas it is really a sexual orientation ie you are what you would like to do, rather than what you have done. This is why I identify as bisexual.

[Vikkster230]

I too fit into the "later in life" bisexual virgins. I guess I am still coming to terms to it as what I what to happen. I know what I want, but I also have a husband and children to think of as well as the feelings of a potential lover(s). I've known for several years that I've been enticed and excited by women. It's been at least 4 years that I mentioned to my husband. I didn't want to be secretive because it's not that I'm lacking something with him. It's a different feeling/reason. I'm also struggling with where to find opportunities to meet women my age who aren't out for a quick no strings attached tete a tete. So until I feel 100% confidence and feel I have what I need and looking for, I stay a virgin. I was a virgin till I was 20, I still have plenty of time to find what I'm looking for. It's also nice to know I'm not the only one who is muddling around on this site...

[elian]

What was it that President Clinton said .err.. "I never inhaled" ... err.. wait..that's not it... <grins>

You know sometimes it's not easy coming to terms with the idea that you could face horrible discrimination because of your sexual preference. It's a new idea for some people to know that people can hate them just for the way they are born (and a very OLD idea for others).

I know the disgruntled point above seems to be about live and let live..makes sense - there's no reason to destroy yourself simply because you love someone. If society says that's wrong I guess that's too bad for society - there are millions of silent, mostly honorable, struggling gay people whose existence is just begging to prove society wrong.

[Kermit Jagger]

Here we go again -- debating the meaning of words that have meaning only in context. We would be much better off discussing how we feel and act! For example, I fantasize about oral sex, have had great oral experiences with men and women, and am looking to expand my sexual horizons with men and couples. I've never had anal, but would consider it. Does that make me bisexual or a bisexual virgin? Frankly, I couldn't give a damn.
Kermit

[balancingact]

Here we go again -- debating the meaning of words that have meaning only in context. We would be much better off discussing how we feel and act! For example, I fantasize about oral sex, have had great oral experiences with men and women, and am looking to expand my sexual horizons with men and couples. I've never had anal, but would consider it. Does that make me bisexual or a bisexual virgin? Frankly, I couldn't give a damn.
Kermit

Ah, Kermit, but meanings of words are important when trying to understand unfamiliar territory and sexual orientation. Perhaps it's the "virgin" in the subject line that is throwing us off.

Words and definitions are important. But, it could just be my postmodernist self coming out.

[Kermit Jagger]

Dear Balancing Act,
I'm so old that I'm a premodernist. I agree that words are important when they are used to express feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions are personal and so must be the meanings of the words we use to express them. I think it's much better for me to tell you that I love oral sex with men women, and couples and would consider anal in the right situation then for me to tell you I'm bisexual.
One more thing, why is it that everytime I get an interesting reply its from someone so far from NJ that I have no hope of ever getting to know them?
Kermit

[balancingact]

Dear Balancing Act,
I'm so old that I'm a premodernist. I agree that words are important when they are used to express feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions are personal and so must be the meanings of the words we use to express them. I think it's much better for me to tell you that I love oral sex with men women, and couples and would consider anal in the right situation then for me to tell you I'm bisexual.
One more thing, why is it that everytime I get an interesting reply its from someone so far from NJ that I have no hope of ever getting to know them?
Kermit

Yes, we can discuss how we feel and act. But from one bisexual to another, I understand that if you tell me you are bisexual, that you enjoy sexual activity with people of both genders. (Not that I want to get into the discussion of gender-- the argument has been made that there are more than two genders, esp. when we use the term transgender, but alas . . .) Even if you are not sexually active, and haven't been with a person of your own sex, the fact that you desire it, feel it, want it, I understand you to be bisexual. I guess that's what I was saying to the OP. I had crushes on other women (girls) when I was a child. I didn't understand it, didn't understand "bisexuality" as a useful term until adulthood. And it is useful. It is how I came to identify myself-- it is how I came to dispel with confusion over my sexuality. Society tried to put me into one category or another, and I went along because I didn't understand that there are more than two categories.

Perhaps too, the level of conversation depends on who we're having a conversation with. I am not going to tell my friends, or my mother, that I enjoy the touch of a woman's skin, feeling the silkiness of her breasts, and having my head between her creamy thighs. Nor am I going to tell my friends or my mother (!) how I like being on top when my husband is really hard.

Perhaps we are discussing specificity more than anything. I wonder too, if we are discussing the usefulness of labels. Labels are problematic in and of themselves; however, labels work in most circumstances.

And Kermit (I have the desire to call you Kermie, as Miss Piggy used), if I could move from the hills of Tennessee to a more culturally aware and accepting place I would. Not just yet-- I have to actually earn the Ph.D. first!

LOL on the age. And if you know what that means, my dear, you're a young buck still.

[Kermit Jagger]

Dear Balancing Act,

Bisexual and virgin are labels, and labels like bumper stickers describe stereotypes. I use stereotypes when I don't want to deal with a person as an individual. When it comes to sexuality or gender, I want to deal with the person, the full human being with a mind, a emotions, and a body. It's impossible for me to have a relationship, let alone a great sexual experience, with a stereotype or with someone else who sees me as a stereotype.

I'm flattered that you want to call my Kermie unless you're stereotyping me as a short, skinny green guy with bulging eyes and a squeeky voice. (I'll skip any bad pun about liking flies.)

Kermie

[balancingact]

Dear Balancing Act,

Bisexual and virgin are labels, and labels like bumper stickers describe stereotypes. I use stereotypes when I don't want to deal with a person as an individual. When it comes to sexuality or gender, I want to deal with the person, the full human being with a mind, a emotions, and a body. It's impossible for me to have a relationship, let alone a great sexual experience, with a stereotype or with someone else who sees me as a stereotype.

I'm flattered that you want to call my Kermie unless you're stereotyping me as a short, skinny green guy with bulging eyes and a squeeky voice. (I'll skip any bad pun about liking flies.)

Kermie

Dear Kermie,

I guess that I was using the labels because I don't see the stereotypes anymore-- there is such a range of sexuality. But, I understand what you're saying.

I do not think of you as green, with bulging eyes, squeaky voice OR eating flies. I remember Kermie being rather intelligent and able to carry on a meaningful conversation. I could easily change my moniker to Miss Piggy, but then people would assume you and I are a couple, and I don't want to be accused of alternating between fawning over you and abusing you. People also might think I resemble a pig, wearing jewelry and lipstick. I don't.

Balancing Act

[BreeIsMe]

This is so true. One's innate sexual preferences are part of ones being and not true because of experiences.

I am TOTALLY bisexual and I've never been with another woman. The way I see it is if a virgin can know that they are straight, then there is no reason hy I can't know that I'm bi.

[centralpamale]

bisexual really shouldn't be a label period- I was recently outted because i was found to have a ad on a popular site- Now my boss thinks that i have something wrong in my mind . And feels that she must fix me - she feels being bi/gay is something not right - i just think she comes from the old school of life back when people didn't really talk about liking the same sex or both sexes.. I wasn't around for "flower power , woodstock" so i wouldn't know how things were in those days-


I just think that some people should just stay out of others way- if i wanted to be "fixed" i certainly wouldn't be here and there's certainly no fix for being bi or gay. I'm still considered a virgin basically because i've only had oral with 1 guy couple times and never done anything else- So that make me 1/2 a bisexual?lol i think not . but when the time comes and i feel ready and can actually find someone who isn't stereotyping body types then maybe one day i may explore more of my bisexuality .


good day .
centralpamale

[Jezexploring]

I have recently thought more about my attraction to women. I wouldn't say I recently discovered I'm bi :P. I don't think it works that way. To me I knew at the back of my mind since I was younger that I was attracted to women but I pushed it back and never focused on it much. I personally don't like labels much although at the moment I identify myself as being bisexual, I believe that I am capable of loving anyone that I am attracted to. Love and attraction transcends gender, sex, religion, race, etc.

I come from a very strict and religious community and family. It is so hard to find anyone who understands or are even willing to listen to your thoughts and opinions on sexuality. Being in a hetero relationship with a guy while discovering and exploring all this makes it all harder. I'm not even very experienced sexually having only been with one man my whole life. Not a single experience with a woman. I still know I am attracted to women.

[jem_is_bi]

Once, when I was 5 yrs old I had oral sex with another 5 yr old boy (I was the instigator). But, I never had sex with a man until I was 58 yrs old. In, the intervening years, I have always been 100% sure that I was bisexual even though I only had sex with females. It never occurred to me that I should believe that I was straight just because I did not have sex with men.
I come from a religious family that will never understand my sexual orientation. That is one of the reasons for not having sex until I was 58. But, then, I realized that I was closer to the end of life than the beginning and horrified by the thought of never having sex with a man. Now, I will have a smile on my face at the end as I think back and leave without regrets.

[parkerbi]

i know i was bi for years. but never have sex with man.

[Tenri]

I knew I was bisexual before I had any sexual experiences with another woman, even though my boyfriend at the time was always telling me I was only bi-curious, which really quite annoyed me.

But I'm with a girl now, and I'm really happy, so you -can- know before you've tried anything sexual with the same sex, I think.

[TunaSalad]

I haven't had any sexual experience with men or women but I think I'm attracted to both... I used to be boy crazy but always found other girls attractive...now I tend to find guys physically attractive but I always want more with girls....idk I guess i'm still confused...O well time will tell

[Bi-Zarro]

OK, here's a question. How many of you went through childhood, puberty, early adulthood thinking you were straight -- honestly not having any real desire to explore same-sex sex -- and then, one day, something changed?

I ask because it seems that everyone here says that they "always knew." I can't honestly say that about myself.